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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Son staying at home whilst at Uni - should he pay living costs?

90 replies

Candlelight1969 · 15/05/2018 21:59

I live with my DP, 2 sons and 2 SS and have done for 8 years. My eldest son and eldest SS are both away at Uni, but my youngest son (grades permitting!) plans to go to a local uni but live at home.

My DP thinks that as he is at Uni but living at home he should contribute financially to the household as the two eldest boys incur living costs at uni that he won't.

I would really value opinions on what is fair. My view is that all 3 boys have made a choice, whereas our two eldest boys are living away, therefore incur greater costs whereas my youngest son wishes to live at home and it seems harsh to expect him to pay to do so when he is a student. I would certainly expect him to contribute to helping more around the house but charging him seems wrong to me. However, my DP thinks that we are incurring costs by him staying at home and he should make a financial contribution towards them.
I would really appreciate any opinions, am I too lenient, what would most families do? Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

user1487194234 · 16/05/2018 17:52

I wouldn't charge my DC in these circumstances to live in their own home
Unless I have as very hard up

Redbus1030 · 16/05/2018 20:49

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Pancakeflipper · 16/05/2018 20:52

I wouldn't charge if the household could run without it. But I would expect them to have household tasks.

MrsJayy · 16/05/2018 20:59

I have had 2 student Dc at home they had/have student loans and ptjobs to keep them going but we never took money from them.

MyGirlDaisy · 16/05/2018 21:07

My DS commutes to uni and lives at home - his choice for various reasons. He doesn’t go into uni every day but does do course work etc at home. His basic maintenance loan covers his train fares and he has voluntary commitments that link in to his course. We don’t charge rent and all the time we can afford not to then we wouldn’t, I realise we are fortunate that we are not having to top up rent etc as we would if he was living away. He pays for his daily stuff and puts petrol in the car when he has used it. He does chores around the house - it works well for us. DS2 wants to go away to uni, I don’t know how we will find the extra money to be honest, it worries me.

HeckyPeck · 16/05/2018 21:20

Your DP wants your son to get more student debt just to give you guys money even though you don't need the money? That's really unkind and very bizarre. His DCs didn't pay you rent as they didn't live there so you can't compare the 2.

If he's at home already then presumably the costs won't go up? If you really want a compromise how about a token amount, £50pcm. You're already giving him £50pcm so the compromise is to stop giving that.

Getting a PT job could put too much pressure on him.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/05/2018 21:53

Getting a PT job could put too much pressure on him.

God...no wonder we have entitled snowflake generation. It's an adult men you are talking about. 40 years ago he would have had a family to support already and 60 years ago he would have been fighting in a war.

Mrskeats · 16/05/2018 22:28

entitled snowflake generation
I find that so offensive. My daughter has a part time job, is studying for her Master’s Degree and helps at home as well as volunteering. What the hell are you talking about whitecat?
You were sweeping chimneys at 18 I presume?

Ariela · 16/05/2018 23:48

My daughter is at Uni locally, she also has a part time job so pays her phone, fuel (she has to drive in due to work), anything she wants and contribute a nominal sum towards food/living costs.
She also has a horse she looks after and gets paid to ride and look after other people's horses too, this can be quite lucrative when they go away.
(She doesn't like wasting money on going out, drinking and all the other things students do, so this is why she has plenty of time and can exist on not a lot of money)

xoguineas · 16/05/2018 23:58

I was a full time student living at home and paid money to my parents. I wanted to do so though, I was able to help them out financially and I did. I don't think there's anything wrong with it if the money is needed.

Kismett · 17/05/2018 00:00

If he was earning, I'd suggest having him pay a percentage to you as a way to learn how to pay rent on time and manage money. This would all be set aside and saved, and given back to him when he moved out (to help with a deposit or for rent).

turnaroundbrighteyes · 17/05/2018 00:22

I would never consider charging a dc in full time education any kind of rent or board, but I would stop giving them pocket money and expect them to get a part time job to pay for all their own expenses - personal stuff like clothes, phone, etc, but not general shared stuff like food, loo roll, etc.

Can't see where your dp is coming from at all or why if you've always paid for your own kids you feel the need to compromise.

Wonder if he's jealous and is finding it hard to support his own dc especially as your other dc has the added benefit of support from a relative? Otherwise he comes across as very mean spirited and demanding.

HeckyPeck · 17/05/2018 08:44

OP says he has ASD which is why he's staying at home. Why put extra pressure on him when it's not needed?

Uni can be a lot harder for some people with ASD so why make it harder? The partner wants to to make it "equal", but equal doesn't always mean the same. OP if your son was blind for example and needed a guide dog would your DP think it's not fair because his sons never had dogs? Or if he became a wheelchair user and you wanted a stair lift, it's not fair because his sons always had to use the stairs?

Abra1de · 17/05/2018 09:31

My son wouldn’t have had children to support at age18- 21.

WhiteCat1704 · 17/05/2018 10:15

My son wouldn’t have had children to support at age18- 21

But most likely would have been supporting himself and helping family. Leaving home at 16 was not uncommon.

Abra1de · 17/05/2018 11:20

There’s an economic argument for supporting children at university on th grounds that they will have better jobs and be more able to help ageing parents and other family members. If everyone leaves home at 16 then, barring a rare talent or bit of luck, nobody is going to be prosperous in today’s economy with few heavy industrial jobs.

WhiteCat1704 · 17/05/2018 11:56

There’s an economic argument for supporting children at university on th grounds that they will have better jobs
I agree with that in principle but only if the degree is a useful one. Medicine, engineering, sciences, teaching possibly finance and accounting maybe law. Otherwise uni is just an extension of childhood at parents expense which is why I would insist on pt job to get some actual skills/experience.

I know of young adults graduating courses like archeology and, funnily enough, business management who work in shops and hotels in roles that don't require a degree. Not uncommon.

Ariela · 17/05/2018 13:38

I would never consider charging a dc in full time education any kind of rent or board
IME and speaking to those friends with children in University, most Uni degrees are hardly even part time! Daughter has usually had sufficient spare time to work job shifts around lectures and masses of time for revision. This term she's had 2 lectures (given only because they were cancelled due to strikes last term) and a couple of other practicals, and the rest is expected to be revision time and a few exams. Nowhere near as intensive as school.

Ariela · 17/05/2018 13:42

I'd suggest to the OP that another way of solving this dilema is that you canvass opinion on local cost for a cleaner/cook/housekeeper / gardener. and 'pay' your son the going rate for chores, and allow this to be 'paid back' to you in lieu of rent. This would then free up time for both OP and partner., allowing them additional free time to enjoy other things.

Abra1de · 17/05/2018 14:29

I did English and have never in 32 years been out of work. I can’t see that my degree was not useful. I have worked in the City, management consultancies, PR consultancies and am now a full-time writer. I have also done a lot of charity work pro bono. Why was my higher education less useful than an engineer’s?

Ariela · 17/05/2018 15:07

I did English and have never in 32 years been out of work. 32 years ago, only around 5% of the population took a degree course. Therefore compared to others of your age group you are one of the better educated which in turn opened more opportunities for you.

Half of all school leavers now go on to further education.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 15:11

No way would I charge my own children rent while they were at uni. Total step father territory. If it was his son I bet he’d be happy not to take rent!

Abra1de · 17/05/2018 15:47

That’s true, Ariela, but I still dislike the denegration of humanity subjects.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 17/05/2018 15:52

My eldest DSD started college and we didn’t expect rent from her as she still lived at home. However I don’t think expecting nothing did her any favours, she expected it to be like a hotel yet was pretty resentful and ignored me. She’s now at her Mums.

I guess I’m asking, is your DS contributing in other ways to the house? Does he get on with his step Dad? My DP said he wouldn’t be happy paying for my DS to attend Uni, yet we both did that for DSD. Sometimes a rift is seen in financial terms but maybe it’s the emotional appreciation or recognition your DP is not getting?

titchy · 17/05/2018 16:18

But most likely would have been supporting himself and helping family. Leaving home at 16 was not uncommon.

And 100 years ago we sent five year olds up chimneys? What's your point? Things are supposed to be better for each subsequent generation, not worse.

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