Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Son staying at home whilst at Uni - should he pay living costs?

90 replies

Candlelight1969 · 15/05/2018 21:59

I live with my DP, 2 sons and 2 SS and have done for 8 years. My eldest son and eldest SS are both away at Uni, but my youngest son (grades permitting!) plans to go to a local uni but live at home.

My DP thinks that as he is at Uni but living at home he should contribute financially to the household as the two eldest boys incur living costs at uni that he won't.

I would really value opinions on what is fair. My view is that all 3 boys have made a choice, whereas our two eldest boys are living away, therefore incur greater costs whereas my youngest son wishes to live at home and it seems harsh to expect him to pay to do so when he is a student. I would certainly expect him to contribute to helping more around the house but charging him seems wrong to me. However, my DP thinks that we are incurring costs by him staying at home and he should make a financial contribution towards them.
I would really appreciate any opinions, am I too lenient, what would most families do? Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lozzalou93 · 16/05/2018 07:11

I paid rent at home when I came home from uni (was also obviously paying for my uni term time address also). If he’s living at home, regardless of the reduced loan, he will have more than enough to contribute. My brother lived at home while doing his university degree and got the minimum amounts but still had plenty of money left over. It’s not like he had a place himself to pay for.

I would charge, not necessarily rent but get him to pay for all his food and make sure he does his own house work/washing etc. Student or not, part of being an adult is realising you have to budget and not have a free ride. There’s nothing wrong in getting a contribution to the food bill, he should count himself lucky.

titchy · 16/05/2018 07:54

If he’s living at home, regardless of the reduced loan, he will have more than enough to contribute.

You don't know that. It costs me £3,000 a year to travel to work. He might have similar costs. Plus course costs etc.

Your dp sounds an arse sorry. If you need a halfway house can he buy and cook his own food?

WhiteCat1704 · 16/05/2018 08:29

Hmm...its a difficult one..It really depends how he is to live with and what is he going to study.. Does he have a good relationship with your DP?

If he is studying one of the demanding courses-scientific, engineering or medicine and is a polite young men I wouldn't charge and encourage him to save. If he is studying something more light weight and not that demanding like events management, music etc. I would insist he has a job too and contribute something..

How about you charge him but put that money aside and give it back to him when he decides to move out? Thats what my mother did when I was a young adult and borrowed money off her..She made me pay it back but kept it for when I needed it later..

flumpybear · 16/05/2018 08:33

No, but I'd also expect him to have much less debt because of that - if he's still borrowing as much money to live off but just pissing it up the all then I'd be
Stepping in and asking for money

Abra1de · 16/05/2018 08:37

I wouldn’t charge.

lozzalou93 · 16/05/2018 08:40

@titchy chances are if he’s opting to live at home, then it’s a commutable distance which he would have factored in and again with course costs, some cost barely anything. It really does depend on what’s being studied and how far his uni is. Bearing in mind, a uni timetable is heavily reduced if it’s a ‘easier’ subject. He may not even need to go in everyday. Like a Pp said, If was a medicine type degree I wouldn’t. It really does depend on a lot of factors

If I was the op, I’d work out what he was getting, what is reasonable for him to live on, what was needed for course/travel then act accordingly. .... He could also get a part time job

CD890 · 16/05/2018 08:47

I wouldn't do this, unless he was earning money as well as studying. And even then it wouldn't be a lot, probably just the cost of a phone bill or something else small, but I would expect him to be helping around the house (I expect that now from my 3yo!) so maybe instead of charging him money you could have a list of weekly jobs that are his to do, i.e loading/unloading dishwasher, hanging the washing out - simple easy tasks that he can do in between studying.

hugoagogo · 16/05/2018 09:02

I would get him to pay something for his food/ washing as I do my ds in the summer when he is home from university. In practice we deduct an amount from what we normally pay him
dh lived at home whilst at university, his parents didn't get any money from him ( they did ask!) he wasted his grant and his dm cooked his tea every night and did his washing and ironing. It was a nasty shock to him when he finally did move out.

AllyMcBeagle · 16/05/2018 09:17

My DP isn't trying to force my DC to live away but I think sees it as unfair that the eldest 2 boys have increased costs

I don't think it's really comparable as the brothers are having the experience of living away from home. I expect many kids, if given the choice, would rather live independently than with their parents despite the increased costs.

Original poster

Candlelight1969 · 16/05/2018 12:02

The commute to uni would only be a few train stops into the local city and generally he's no trouble around the house, a bit untidy but OK. He's also on the ASD spectrum which I think played a part in him wishing to study locally and stay at home. He has offers to study Politics but now thinking more of Business. He get's on OK with DP but not close.

Even though I feel charging him rent is wrong, there has to be a compromise (perhaps food only?) otherwise this could drive a wedge between us - I thought life got easier as you got older???

OP posts:

AllyMcBeagle · 16/05/2018 12:49

there has to be a compromise (perhaps food only?)

That seems fair.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2018 14:14

If he is studying one of the demanding courses-scientific, engineering or medicine

These are not the only demanding courses.

Making him cook his own food sends the message that he's not part of the family.

I'm not saying you should prepare his meals...but as part of life skills he could also cook a meal for all of you once a week.

Or howabout getting him to buy certain household items...so he gets used to shopping.
Things like loo rolls, detergent, milk, bread...Perhaps make it his job to get those things.

He can do it via online shopping if needs be.

I wouldn't do it...but just getting him to pay won't teach him how to shop and make comparisons on the best deals.

BlueJava · 16/05/2018 14:17

I wouldn't charge him but I would agree some help around the house. It seems crazy for DS to get further into debt when he's only paying you (provided you can afford it).

One of my friends also had this issue, she "solved" it by charging her DS £30 a week, economising so her DH didn't notice and then gave her DS a lump son back! Seemed a bit crazy but I guess DH wouldn't budge.

RafikiIsTheBest · 16/05/2018 16:12

Could a compromise be that he buy the ingredients and cooks a meal for the family once a week in term time and twice a week during holidays?
If he's buying his own toiletries, cleaning up after himself and paying for uni supplies, transport etc I think that is a fair deal.

SuburbanRhonda · 16/05/2018 16:20

What a shame he doesn’t want to live away, even if it’s just down the road. If your DP is going to be a tight arse about it, he may end up wanting to though.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/05/2018 16:49

I wouldny charge a child to live at home either. However I would feel obliged to help the others with their living costs to make it fair.

PrettyLovely · 16/05/2018 16:55

I wouldnt charge him.

bastardkitty · 16/05/2018 16:55

Is your husband normally so stingy? I would charge my own child if they we at Uni, unless there was real financial hardship. The financial benefit of studying at home is the upside of missing out on all that freedom.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 16/05/2018 16:57

Are you making the expected parental contribution to him annually?

RandomMess · 16/05/2018 17:02

How is he finding it? Are you expected to make a parental contribution or will he be able to take out a loan - makes a huge difference!!! Will he get the same financial support from family member as your eldest?

DrinkYourGreenTea · 16/05/2018 17:05

No way would I charge him rent. Only if he was working a full-time job, would I expect him to pay you a monthly sum.

Of course, he should be helping around the house. I lived at home when I went to the local uni and I would do things like: tidy the house, walk the dog, do the pots and do the washing. If he is at uni some days 9-6, he'll probably need to leave your house at 7:30 so on those days, I wouldn't expect him to do house jobs before he left but then I would expect him to help with dinner, pots and perhaps washing and cleaning in the evening.

Let him enjoy his time at uni and encourage him to get a part-time job if that's something you want him to do.

Mrschainsawuk · 16/05/2018 17:07

Going against everyone here is would charge but only around £30 week to cover food ect or he can buy his own that's what I paid

bastardkitty · 16/05/2018 17:08

Omg typo I wouldn't charge my own child unless there was financial hardship

wastingtimeontinternet · 16/05/2018 17:20

You seem to suggest his decision may be driven by other factors, but by and large people choose to live at home as a student in order to save money. Unless that’s an option that wasn’t available to the older children due to lack of space or something, it’s not fair to suggest he should have the same costs when he’s made the financially responsible decision - with attendant negative impacts on social life/ freedom etc. You wouldn’t expect someone who chose to buy a smaller cheaper house than someone else, to then have to pay the same as someone buying a larger, better house because that’s it’s ‘fair’ to have the same costs.

I think term time food/ contribution to utility bills is reasonable - assuming the others can come home in the vacations and he gets the same maintenance. Basically as a starting principle you should be paying for the same for each of them - though you might want to then adjust this to account for one being funded by a relative/ if your son having ASD will mean he’d struggle more with courseload and having a job, or any other similar considerations.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/05/2018 17:44

If he is studying business management or politics I would expect him to have a job and would expect sone contribution. Maybe not buy all own food but to give you some money towards it..i.e £ 20/30 per week or maybe 30% of his earnings.

Flip

1 2 3 4