Wedding day dilemma

[Leftoutson]

NC for reasons that will become clear.

My DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 18. We have four adult children between us, I have a son, he has two sons and a daughter. The kids have always got on well and seem regard one another as siblings.

When we got married we were careful to allocate each of them a role at the wedding so nobody felt left out and to symbolise the creation of a new family. My son has always referred to the others as his brothers and sister. When my parents died, my son asked his brothers to support him by helping carry their coffins.

My younger stepson gets married on Saturday. The arrangements have been a little odd to say the least, eg no best man and no aunts and uncles have been invited, the latter has really hurt and upset them.

Last night I was told by my husband that all "blood" siblings, his and hers, had been given roles in the wedding. But not my son. Given the light in which my son views the relationship, he's going to be really hurt and I'm hurting on his behalf, it feels like a real kick in the teeth.

I guess I just wanted other people's insight on this. It's come as a bolt out of the blue and I'm genuinely shocked.

God you really need to get a grip. It’s not your day, it’s not your wedding. Your son hasn’t got a job b to do, it’s no big deal. You should be celebrating this special occasion, not complaining because a decision has been made that you don’t like.

There was a poor woman on this forum recently who wasn’t even invited to her stepdaughters wedding (after being in her life for circa 20 years). Now that’s something to winge about.

Yabu I was the only family member not given a role in the wedding for my Sil and db and we share both parents.

Didn't realise this was AIBU.

Thanks folks, that was really helpful.

You are asking for advice, though? Is he actually upset? I can imagine being mortally offended and murderous on my DS’s behalf only for him to be completely chilled.

I think it feels worse when it’s someone you love on the receiving end of injustice than when it’s yourself.

If he is upset, that’s a whole different issue.

If it's all been last minute and a bit chaotic why not just have a quick word and ask whether a role could be thought up for DS? He could great guests, hand out drinks, take informal photos, etc. It's not that hard to think up a nominal "role" if you want to.

But if DSS won't budge then I'd say nothing at all to DS who may think nothing of it. If it's all been chaotic then there may be no malice intended, just a bit of thoughtlessness.

Make sure DS is included in any photos if you can.

Sounds like there hasnt been any particular counting people out or in.
The reason for best man part sounds fair enough. The reading not being available weeks in advance is not important. And the grooms sister being ring bearer / sounds completely made up role. No aunts or uncles - that’s the couple’s choice.
I don’t think you should read too much into anything. Enjoy the wedding!

Hopefully you all went today and are having a lovely time! I wouldnt worry about your son - he can circulate freely and be seen as a polite, supportive young man.

Quick update. All became crystal clear as the weekend unfolded. It was actually MoB's wedding!

All the arrangements had been masterminded by her and it's very clear that when she says "jump", the bride's response is "how high?" I actually feel very sorry for my Dss, at some point he's going to have to put his foot down.

MoB is going to join them in the delivery room in November and is planning to look after their baby two days a week. In the course of Saturday she managed to insult or piss off every member of the groom's family.

Ah. Milzilla.

Poor DSS, and indeed DSDIL. I hope you all managed to enjoy the bride and groom’s special day nonetheless.

To be fair op you weren’t much better by getting huffy over your son not being included!

To be fair, Dancing, I wasn't "huffy". I was hurt on my son's behalf, like mums often are. To be fair, I at no time voiced what I thought. To be fair, I neither insulted nor pissed off anyone. But clearly being a polite and charming wedding guest places me in the same category in your book.

Your DSS will need to grow a set. And quick.

It's entirely up to him. His MiL, his problem. We're just pleased that we'll probably never have to see her again.

Glad to hear there were no deliberately hurtful actions from your stepson. Poor him for having Mil trouble.

Milzilla! Love it!

Ah that's a relief it's not down to the siblings!

End of the day op it was up to your dss who he had involved in his wedding he wasn’t obliged to have your ds and you threatening not to go to the wedding was an unnecessary drama.

Ffs Dancing, what is your problem? Rtft. At no point did I threaten not to go to the wedding anywhere but here. Anyway, water under the bridge. Now Dss has to do battle with the dragon - or not. His problem and I never have to see her again. Every cloud and all that.

I'm seriously considering being ill on Saturday!

Leaving this here

Dancingmonkey do try and read what the OP has written before trying to score points from someone coming here for advice.

As she clearly said, "At no point did I threaten not to go to the wedding anywhere but here. " This is meant to be a forum where women can support each other through tricky times and get help to sort through their thoughts, including having a rant.. rather than actually having a rant to the people concerned in rl.

Glad it's kinda sorted OP just delighted it wasn't a sibling issue.

Oh lord what is it about weddings that does this to people?
It's the bride and grooms day. They get to decide and it sounds like these two are simply disorganised and very little thought has gone into it. And adult woman a ring bearer? Come on. Does your son really need a false made up role? It sounds like they've deliberately kept away from this to avoid precisely these problems. (i.e. like the best man).

You've been in each others lives for 20 years. Please do not overreact regarding one day.

If it helps years ago, my DB and SIL had my nephew christened. All roles were fulfilled by my side of the family, no one from my DB's side had anything to do. I didn't bat an eyelid, my mother was furious. I asked him afterwards (out of humour more than anything else as it is amusing to watch my mum have a strop over things that aren't remotely important). He looked taken aback and asked me 'did you want a role? I didn't even think about given SIL is the one who wanted it, I couldn't care less and I thought you wouldn't either'. He was right.

They are grown children, let your son figure out what this means to him. And deal with it himself directly with the groom. Stay out of it.

All roles were fulfilled from SIL side of family even.

I've also realised that i posted without reading P2 of the thread. Doh.
MOB issues. oh dear. Again, not your business, turn up. Be nice. Enjoy the day, go home and be relieved you don't have to deal with her.

I know it has taken another twist now, but as a step child on both sides O don't feel it is up to anyone to say that they must consider step siblings as 'full' ones. They didn't ask to be in this situation and don't owe it to their parents/step parents to make out that they are family. I didn't have a wedding for this very reason. To be forced to include people that in my heart I wouldn't choose myself on a day when it is supposed to be about me just wasn't worth it. It really isn't as straightforward as "we treated them all equally".

How old is you stepson?