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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wedding day dilemma

48 replies

Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 15:21

NC for reasons that will become clear.

My DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 18. We have four adult children between us, I have a son, he has two sons and a daughter. The kids have always got on well and seem regard one another as siblings.

When we got married we were careful to allocate each of them a role at the wedding so nobody felt left out and to symbolise the creation of a new family. My son has always referred to the others as his brothers and sister. When my parents died, my son asked his brothers to support him by helping carry their coffins.

My younger stepson gets married on Saturday. The arrangements have been a little odd to say the least, eg no best man and no aunts and uncles have been invited, the latter has really hurt and upset them.

Last night I was told by my husband that all "blood" siblings, his and hers, had been given roles in the wedding. But not my son. Given the light in which my son views the relationship, he's going to be really hurt and I'm hurting on his behalf, it feels like a real kick in the teeth.

I guess I just wanted other people's insight on this. It's come as a bolt out of the blue and I'm genuinely shocked.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 10/05/2018 16:02

Ask him, don’t second guess. It’s his wedding and it’s upto him.

Original poster
Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 16:27

Ask him what?

OP posts:
HoneyBadger32 · 10/05/2018 16:29

If you son has been invited he presumably already knows he has no role given that the wedding is in two days...where is the dilemma?

NorthernSpirit · 10/05/2018 16:30

Ask the son why his step brother doesn’t have a role. There could be a simple explanation like there aren’t many roles available and those that are have been given to immediate family.

Weddings can be very emotive - it’s up to the son and his bride to be who gets invited and who does what. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it - your son gets the enjoy the event rather than having a job to do.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/05/2018 16:37

Could it be coming from the bride’s side? Projecting their views of family?

I would ask tbh.

Original poster
Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 17:07

Just to elucidate, the "planning" has been a complete clusterfuck, to the extent that it's become a running joke. Nobody on our side has been asked to do anything until the very last minute. DH was asked to do a reading 10 days ago and had to nag endlessly to be told what it was. Two of the "roles" are signing the register, my adult stepdaughter is the ring bearer.

My point, which I obviously didn't make very well, is that in 20 years we haven't differentiated between them and they've also treated one another very fairly. Suddenly blood has become thicker than water and, after all this time, that's pretty hurtful.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/05/2018 17:27

His wedding he can invite who he likes, not everybody wants aunts or uncles etc. It sounds casual and about the marriage not the day itself.

As for roles, those jobs would go to family over a step sibling, I didn't give mine any roles as they were only in my life due to new relationships and I never saw them as family.

I don't know any step parent that treats their own children and step children with no difference. Given how critical you are in just a couple of posts re his wedding maybe your idea of the step family relationship doesn't match their reality.

unicornpoopoop · 10/05/2018 17:35

Boxset - my children and step child are treated no differently. Most people don't even know that they're not all biologically mine and the children see themselves as siblings in every sense. I know this isn't always the case but it does happen

Original poster
Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 17:44

It's met their reality for 18 years, Boxset, not least when I've paid one of them a monthly allowance for two years so she could do her MSc, which is more than my son's had from me. Our situation has, up to now, been like unicorn's.

OP posts:
Spam88 · 10/05/2018 17:47

Oh OP I can totally understand you being upset at this :( any chance your DH could have a word?

Fishface77 · 10/05/2018 17:50

I’m a bitch and if they wanted to behave like “steps” they’d be treated like “steps”.
Unnecessary and hurtful.
I would warn son and tell him not to bother coming to wedding and would make it clear to the others why he wasn’t there and make it clear that you support him and are only there under sufferance.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 10/05/2018 17:53

That’s a bit shit isn’t it. And your H telling you that “blood siblings” had roles like the blood is the issue, not the last 18 years being treated as and feeling like siblings. I’m not surprised you’re worried about your DS’s feelings here, it’s a real kick in the teeth. Get your H to have a word - it’s not even like there is someone more suited as best man, they’re just doing without? Crappy planning at best, nasty excluding behaviour at worst.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 10/05/2018 17:55

I can see that you feel upset and hurt, but don’t throw everything out and overthink it. The sister is a ‘ring bearer’- a made up job, if ever there was one, for an adult woman! It doesn’t Sound like the blood siblings are heavily involved or participating in the wedding itself. If their relationship is otherwise fine and loving, you will do untold, long-reaching damage, by making a stink about this.

Doje · 10/05/2018 18:00

I think you and your DH need to sit your younger step son down and have a chat to him. See what he is thinking and explain how he is hurting your DS.

swingofthings · 10/05/2018 18:02

What other roles are they? Maybe there are only two, in which instance, it would make sense that they go to his closest relatives with who he would have spent more time growing up.

Is your DS really going to be devastated that he has nothing to do? It's not like he's not invited. The two roles you describe are really nothing special.

Original poster
Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 18:03

Sorry about this - I hate a drip feed! The best man thing is because the groom didn't want to offend any of about seven potential candidates so decided not to have one at all. I totally agree about the ring bearer role, that was introduced because my step daughter was upset not being asked to be a bridesmaid. The whole thing has seemed, at times, designed to upset as many people as possible.

OP posts:
Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 10/05/2018 18:08

It sounds like there are a lot of people being appeased by chucking a tantrum. Get your ds to throw a tantrum too if he really wants a role in the wedding. It doesn't sound like the couple think the actual wedding is a big deal and are probably getting pissed off with people making it into something they don't want it to be.

swingofthings · 10/05/2018 18:08

he whole thing has seemed, at times, designed to upset as many people as possible.
Do you mean as few people as possible? Sounds like they've been under such pressure from everyone they ended up focusing on trying to avoid upsetting anyone rather than doing what they wanted and in the end, still upset some people.

Allaboutalex · 10/05/2018 18:11

I think the problem is your dh saying “blood siblings”. Was that your dad’s word?

Like think of it this way; he asked the sibling he’s closest to to sign the register. Then another sibling kicked up so he had to make her ring bearer. And now his third sibling is going to kick up for being left out? So he has to make up another “role” for him.

Does your dss have form for this? Cos if he doesn’t I think it’s a little unfair. All he’s doing is asking a brother to do something for his wedding and humoring his sister cos she’s complaining.

Allaboutalex · 10/05/2018 18:12

*dss’s word- not dad

KingTot · 10/05/2018 18:15

It sounds all rather ill thought out. I wouldn't point out to your son that he doesn't have a "role" and carry on light and breezy. If he does bring it up I'd make the emphasis on what a disaster the planning was and how very casual it all is. It's not worth making a scene out of.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 10/05/2018 18:27

Yeah I guess if his ‘blood’ sister also had to have a tantrum to get a role, maybe your ds would be best staying out of it, enjoying the day and being remembered as the only one who didn’t make it awkward for them instead?!

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/05/2018 18:28

Is it coming from the stepson's mother perhaps rather than stepson himself. Maybe it is easier to keep his mother happy as she won't see your son as his brother.

Original poster
Leftoutson · 10/05/2018 18:35

All this has been relayed via my DH, who did use the term "blood siblings". There's a lot of wisdom here, thank you. I'm seriously considering being ill on Saturday!

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 10/05/2018 18:55

Is your DS actually upset, or do you just assume he will be?