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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step parent

38 replies

Schmikey · 06/05/2018 07:40

Hi Guys, im new here and really need some advice! Ive been with my partner for almost 3 years. She has 5 children from a previous relationship, 2 live with her and 3 with their dad..As soon as we got together she got a job with working hours of 4pm to 10pm, 3 days a week..Im up at 5am each day and i work 6 days a week..The relationship is on rocky grounds as i told my partner its not fair that i am looking aftre the kids 3 days of the week, im on the go for 14 hours on the days she works, its tiring..I have other commitments in the week also..I have asked her multiple times to try and change her hours, but nothing happens she just finds it acceptable..All of my friends say im doing too much? I just wanted to get some feedback as im not sure what to do, thankyou

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CosmicCanary · 06/05/2018 07:54

What is it you think you should/should not be doing as part of this family?

Does the income she earns have a positive affect on the household income?

If I am honest the its not fair line does come across as whiney.

I have 4 DC and work full time, now although I have a childminder for the youngest 2 DP does care for the children when needed. He just recently had them for 2 days/nights so I could attened a work event.

swingofthings · 06/05/2018 07:56

There's no right or wrong. What did you discuss you would do when you moved in together? Was she working before or on benefits? If on benefits, it would probably mean losing out quite a bit financially with you moving in with her. Did you agree that you would support her and her children financially?

Are all her kids at school? Can she change her hours without requiring childcare? Changing hours is not always possible.

I do feel for you as indeed, you've taken on the role of father, but it really comes down to what you agreed before moving in together.

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 07:58

She earns about half of what i do, we dont actually live together either..Im not whining, im just stating facts and hoping to find some help..Taking on another persons Children is difficult, just seems that im doing more than my fair share and relied on too much when she could get hours that suited around the kids..If we wasnt together she wouldnt be able to work, thanks for the repy

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CosmicCanary · 06/05/2018 08:01

If you dont live together and you are unhappy with her relying on you for childcare then you need to tell her.

You are not an unpaid childminder. Tell her so.

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 08:02

She earns about half of what i do, we dont actually live together either..Im not whining, im just stating facts and hoping to find some help..Taking on another persons Children is difficult, just seems that im doing more than my fair share and relied on too much when she could get hours that suited around the kids..If we wasnt together she wouldnt be able to work, thanks for the reply

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Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 08:04

Cosmic Canary..I have told her im not happy, she just says what would i do if they were my kids? It would be different then..I have treated her children like my own, but i feel like im running myself into the ground..I Love her, and the kids too but it seems no matter what i say im in the wrong for telling her i feel

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CosmicCanary · 06/05/2018 08:14

Then she has little respect for you and you need to make the decision if you want to be in a relationship with a person like that.

Is she not even willing to comprimise?
To find a balance that you are both happy with?

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 08:20

Ive walked out so many times, but i love the girl so much..Ive told her so many times the issues im having but nothing has changed, with regards to these working hours, she tells me it will change in the next few months and we are still here..We had a huge row yesterday where she told me i have a problem with her kids, which i dont and the fact im using here Gas, Electric when im at her home..But, ihave to be there to look after the kids

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Smeddum · 06/05/2018 08:23

You’re unhappy with the situation. She’s happy with it and won’t change it.

You stay and put up with it.
Or you leave.

CosmicCanary · 06/05/2018 08:26

Only you can change this situation.
"But I love her" is not going to improve this is it?

You either end the relationship or live with it because she has made it clear to you she will not change her working hours.

None of us here can change her mind for you OP.

MachineBee · 06/05/2018 08:27

She is taking advantage of you and has no respect for your opinion. These would be big red flags for me.

You are trying to be reasonable and continue to ensure DCs are looked after, otherwise you’d have just said no and not come round. She’s not listening to you and hoping you’ll just back down. This is not the basis for a healthy relationship and is a terrible example to the DCs.

In your position I’d be rethinking whether I want to stay with her.

colditz · 06/05/2018 08:30

"What would you do if they were YOUR kids?"

I would reply "I would take them and leave you because you disrespect my time to the point where I feel like a single parent 3 days a week"

Don't think that standing up for yourself is goingt o wreck the relationship, just because she blows her top. Her treating you like unpaid labour is going to wreck your relationship. You don't live there - get no benefit from living there - and yet you're putting in 18 hours of childcare a week. Why? What are you getting from it?

lunar1 · 06/05/2018 08:30

She complains that you use her utilities while looking after her children!

You literally have nothing to lose by walking away. She is absolutely using you and running you into the ground.

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 08:35

Thankyou all so much for your time and giving me some answers..As we all know being in Love with someone is hard..My friends have told me the same thing, and now i will not feel bad for walking away

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colditz · 06/05/2018 08:36

Ive walked out so many times, but i love the girl so much..Ive told her so many times the issues im having but nothing has changed, with regards to these working hours, she tells me it will change in the next few months and we are still here..We had a huge row yesterday where she told me i have a problem with her kids, which i dont and the fact im using here Gas, Electric when im at her home..But, ihave to be there to look after the kids

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? I'm hearing a lot of what SHE wants and what SHE expects and what SHE thinks should happen - what do YOU want and is she ever going to bother meeting any of your needs?

Because the thing is, you say " the fact im using here Gas, Electric when im at her home..But, ihave to be there to look after the kids" but what you're missing is this - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE, THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS, AND THEY AREN'T YOUR PROBLEM AND HER TRYING TO MAKE IT SO DOESN'T MAKE IT SO

BlueUggs · 06/05/2018 08:36

Being in love with someone shouldn't be hard.

Dancingmonkey87 · 06/05/2018 08:41

I would leave you don’t even live together and you getting nothing from this relationship.

FinallyHere · 06/05/2018 08:44

Being in love with someone shouldn't be hard.

Agreed, although if you really need the opinion of strangers on a message board to decide how to live your life now i will not feel bad for walking away there may be other struggles ahead for you.

One of the payoffs that comes with the responsibility of adulthood, is exactly trusting your own judgement. Try it, you may like it.

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 08:46

Finally here....I just really needed to hear what my mind already knows..Its just good fro me to get your opinions on a tough subject.

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Cupoteap · 06/05/2018 08:59

Out of interest, does she want to live together and you don't?

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 09:06

cupoteap....she says she does

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NorthernSpirit · 06/05/2018 09:16

She’s using you as free child care and it’s unreasonable in my opinion.

You’ve been together 3 years and you don’t live together. She needs to make provision for her children not use you as as it’s free and convenient.

LiteraryDevil · 06/05/2018 09:20

How does it work out? You go to hers on those 3 days once you finish work and stay there until she gets home? Do you not stay over? If my Dp didn't get home until 10pm I wouldn't be going home afterwards. Sounds odd to me.

Original poster
Schmikey · 06/05/2018 09:30

I stay at hers, i have to get up for work at 5am

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takeittakeit · 06/05/2018 09:39

exactly as northern spirit and cosmic canary say - there are so many threads on here about the SM being unpaid childcare this is the same.

She does not respect you or your time