DSC's mum coming to stuff on DP's time

[sothisisnew]

Hi all,

I'm hoping this will be an uncontroversial one- please don't say mean things....

My DP and his ex have a pretty hostile relationship. They have a contact order in place and are currently going through financial arrangements. He's learning to work around it- keep contact brief & to a minimum, let the solicitors work out the legal stuff, etc. However, there is one particular spanner in the works at the moment- she likes to come to stuff during his time: birthday parties, local (to her) events she tells him the DCs are 'really looking forward to', etc.

He takes them as he doesn't want them to miss out, but when she is there at those things it stresses the children (5 and 3) out! They're always excited to see her (naturally), but they then get really clingy and then upset when the event is over and he has to effectively take them away from her. From what I've witnessed, they get confused as the pattern they're used to is 'go to daddy's, come back to mummy's' and so on- not go to daddy's, see mummy, don't go back to mummy's'. 5 mins after they've left the event the DCs are absolutely fine again, but at the time it's really horrible!

I understand that she misses them, and wants to go to stuff they will be at, but surely it's not fair on them to put the desire to see them above preventing them from feeling anxious or upset? I also suspect that part of the reason she comes to stuff is to assert control over him- if both parents are in the same room, the children tend to go to her when they want something, and I believe she wants to show him (and others) that that's the case. It must seem to onlookers that the children just want to be with their mum and what an awful person he must be to wrench them away

Most weekends, when they don't see her, the children are absolutely fine and don't generally get upset at missing her or talk about her, other than the usual 'my mummy has a jumper like that'.

My questions are: 1) do others agree that she's being unreasonable? and 2) if so, what should he do about it? It feels crap that he should have to tell her that she can't come to these things, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't listen anyway, but it's hard to stand by and watch/hear about these stressful situations created for them.

Thanks.

Part of being a parent when children are young is building networks and getting to know people. I can understand that she will want to be a part of this and I can imagine that she wants to be seen as ‘important’ by other parents, the main carer, the person they should be liaising with. I don’t think she is unreasonable to want to attend this stuff, particularly if you too are attending because she will be scared you will be viewed as mum rather than her.

However, I can see your point about stressing out the children and in my case, we always took children on our time and not o the other parent’s time. It is probably something you should have had written into the order. I would personally take a step back if you are attending so that she feels less threatened and then perhaps will feel less need to be there. This will give dad an opportunity to enjoy these events and build relationships with other parents. Is that perhaps worth a try?

Thanks for the reply. I've only ever been to one of these things, and that was only because of the timing and the other stuff we were doing that day making it inconvenient for me to not be there. Believe me, if I can possibly help it I will not go to anything she is at! She's too scary!

They already have a contact order, it seems like a mental thing to have to go to court for- but yes, it might be the case.

It's tough but if things are amicable I think you need to treat your time as your time. Thank her for telling you about local events but tell her you've already made plans for your time with the children. You don't need to tell her these plans to avoid the possibility of her turning up. The kids I'm sure will easily forget about the event so long as they are doing something else fun. As for birthday parties then I'm sure you mean other children's parties? This is a tough one as my daughter often asks me to go along or the parents of child ask me to go as well as I'm the one that has a daily relationship with these people. I hate kids parties so do my best to avoid as there is usually not enough wine . On the occasion I do go on the ex weekend I will offer to take her so we both don't have to experience the hell. Perhaps if you know she is going to be at party you could offer for her you take them and do drop off and pick up at the usual place? This should avoid what I believe you find an embarrassing public situation.

*not amicable

I think it’s nice, children still need to know they have a family and feel secure. It isn’t their fault that parents have separated.

I had an excellent time as a child as even though my parents were separated and with partners, both my parents would be supporting me at shows, events etc.

Children don’t need to feel that they have two lives.

What is the value of your partner attending parties and events where his ex has the relationship with the hosts? If there is a birthday or an event that can’t be missed on one of his contact weekends get the ex to swap the weekend, or make contact mid-week. Alternatively your partner could go to court for 50/50 parenting and share the school runs so he can build the same networks.

@Stepmumsy thanks for the suggestion of leaving her to take them- but it still leaves the end of the event separation stress for them to contend with. Also, I don't think it's great that he effectively gives up 2 hours of his time with the children because his ex decides she wants to go to something.

@Boneless that sounds lovely, but I'm assuming your parents were grown ups who could deal with eachother amicably! That is truly the dream.

@DuchyDuke I hear what you're saying, but how is he ever to build up a network with them, if she insists on turning up and parent-blocking him?

Also sorry- there will be no swapping of weekends, he had to go to court to get her to let him see them at all.

He won’t be able to build a network with these parents though as he isn’t the primary carer and isn’t friendly with those parents (I bet if she doesn’t turn up for a while they will eventually just encourage him to drop and leave). He has to go for 50/50 for that, or enrol them into a club on his time where he has the contacts.

I think it would depend on the event in question. I am seperated (amicably which I'm sure makes a difference) but say for example the school fete fell on dads day I would to DC to ask their dad to take them if they wanted to, and would not attend. If there was a school play or an attend the school type event if we could both make it then whatever day it fell on would be irrelevant. If it was a child's party of whom we both knew and were close to then I would still attend on DFs day.

My thinking is that the separation stress will be greatly diminished if handover takes place at the usual handover place. This should help normalise it as opposed to them leaving their mum in a strange place. To be fair you don't see the kids much at parties anyway as they are away having fun so it's their time. I understand it's so tough especially when it's not amicable but the only people that matter here are the children and not who's allocated time slot it is. I hope you find a resolution/ compromise that suits the kids.

This would really bother me! I’m guessing he only sees them every other weekend? She needs to step back and let him have that time. He needs to be able to parent them himself and not be undermined by her being there for them to run to. It’s not fair.

@AppleFlapjack good point about school plays- of course, both of them will go to things. IMO the test should be 'will it improve things for the children if you are there?' At a nativity- yes, they will want both their parents there. For a friend's birthday party- they do only need one responsible adult there, so just one (whoever has them that weekend) seems obvious to me. If this means their mum will miss out on an incredible afternoon of chocolate fingers and small talk, I'd say they should take that on the chin- but I appreciate other people will feel differently.

If they're still sorting out finances I guess they've not long split up and that you're new on the scene? In which case keep your beak out! How do you know what goes on at these events, are you there? If so then that would be rather innapropriate and if you're not there then you have to rely on what your DP is saying, can you rely on him to be 100% truthful? For all you know he could have arranged with his ex for them both to take the children to places but he's describing it to you as her gatecrashing his time with them?

Why are you so concerned anyway, they're his kids not yours, have you met them and spent time with them? Surely you're not entwined enough in thier lives yet to be emotionally attached to them?

@Stepmumsy sorry I might not have explained myself well- was your suggestion to let their mum take them to these things? If so, that would either mean swapping weekend (not possible) or dropping them off at hers for her to take them (say, on a Saturday afternoon) and then pick them up again- that still leaves them having to leave mummy, which is the core issue as far as I can see. After a few hours with just her, I imagine they then expect to stay there and sleep at mummy's- when they don't, they get anxious that they ultimately won't ever come back to mummy's. That's my cod child psychology observation, anyway!

@KnittinKitten thank you!That's right, EOW and one night midweek.

If there has been a childs party than falls on exes day it normally depends on whos it is, when it is a school party where I haven't met the parents or such than he would take them, if it is a friend of mine or someone I see a lot of then I would take them, either we'd swap days if possible or he would drop them to me at the party and I drop them home. But like I say I know that is largely because we are amicable and I would do similar if his family are having a get together on "my" time.

Do they get upset when he collects them for his normal days or only at the end of events If they don't go home with her?

'Why are you so concerned anyway, they're his kids not yours'

That should be the slogan of the Stepparenting forum! Thanks for your concern @pinkyredrose you seem nice.

@Stepmumsy Half the time he picks them up from from their gran (who my DP actually has a decent relationship with now), and they're always fine then. They do sometimes get a bit upset when the handover is with their mum- but again within a few mins they've forgotten all about it. Similarly, sometimes they get upset about going back to mummy's.

And I guess this is my rationale for suggesting the drop off and picks up at the usual location (grans or hers) if she is unavoidably going to be at a party and let her take them. They are likely to find that scenario less stressful and it can all be explained to them in advance. You/ partner will find it less stressful as you won't have the embarrassment of thinking people are judging you. She won't get the control you believe this situation gives her.

@Stepmumsy ok, I get what you're saying. It still feels unfair that he should have to do that, that he's effectively working around whatever she wants to do.

I don't mind that it's an embarrassing situation, I won't even be there most of the time- I simply mentioned that point as an explanation as to why she does it.

Seriously though OP, how long have you and your DP been together?

Totally agree it feels unfair and it must feel like a really shitty situation but you have to find a way of minimising the impact on the kids anxiety. Ideally both parents should be working together to do this but perhaps the other parent can't see it or is refusing to do anything. Therefore the parent that can recognise it must do something about it and hold your head high that you have the kids best interest at heart. Hopefully in time things settle down and they can work together to parent the kids.

Whatever her reason for going, if she's been invited and is going to go regardless of what you say or do then you can't stop her.

@Stepmumsy 'the parent that can recognise it must do something about it'- really wise words, thanks.

OP did you post in Step Parenting because you thought you'd get a more sympathetic response? Your NOT thier Step Mother. Your thier fathers girlfriend, there's a huge difference!