DSC's mum coming to stuff on DP's time

[sothisisnew]

Hi all,

I'm hoping this will be an uncontroversial one- please don't say mean things....

My DP and his ex have a pretty hostile relationship. They have a contact order in place and are currently going through financial arrangements. He's learning to work around it- keep contact brief & to a minimum, let the solicitors work out the legal stuff, etc. However, there is one particular spanner in the works at the moment- she likes to come to stuff during his time: birthday parties, local (to her) events she tells him the DCs are 'really looking forward to', etc.

He takes them as he doesn't want them to miss out, but when she is there at those things it stresses the children (5 and 3) out! They're always excited to see her (naturally), but they then get really clingy and then upset when the event is over and he has to effectively take them away from her. From what I've witnessed, they get confused as the pattern they're used to is 'go to daddy's, come back to mummy's' and so on- not go to daddy's, see mummy, don't go back to mummy's'. 5 mins after they've left the event the DCs are absolutely fine again, but at the time it's really horrible!

I understand that she misses them, and wants to go to stuff they will be at, but surely it's not fair on them to put the desire to see them above preventing them from feeling anxious or upset? I also suspect that part of the reason she comes to stuff is to assert control over him- if both parents are in the same room, the children tend to go to her when they want something, and I believe she wants to show him (and others) that that's the case. It must seem to onlookers that the children just want to be with their mum and what an awful person he must be to wrench them away

Most weekends, when they don't see her, the children are absolutely fine and don't generally get upset at missing her or talk about her, other than the usual 'my mummy has a jumper like that'.

My questions are: 1) do others agree that she's being unreasonable? and 2) if so, what should he do about it? It feels crap that he should have to tell her that she can't come to these things, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't listen anyway, but it's hard to stand by and watch/hear about these stressful situations created for them.

Thanks.

Stop letting her make it an issue....
Meet at the door of party hand over child invited.... to mum....do something with 2nd child. Collect 1st child and thank the host.... there won't be many parties on your weekend. And it means you can go to school functions.....
Never ever stake an option on the children.... or It just gives her a reason to hate you for mothering her babies.

I can understand it must be frustrating for your DP and you. But from a mums point of view at that age shes likely going to get to know other mums or stay involved with friends who will be going with similar aged children.

My oldest is nearly 6 and just getting to the age where its nice to have a break sometimes rather than feeling I'm missing out, but also things like her swimming lessons etc I still always go to even if DP is too, just because its part of being her parent and I enjoy watching her there etc.

I'd say it will ease off with time, around 6-7 they're usually going to parties alone. 3 is still very young and I wouldn't want to be missing out on my child of that age, its probably hard enough for her not having them with her all the time without missing a lot of their activities/events too.

Saying that if she is going and causing issues rather than being polite and trying to make the goodbye as easy as possible then you'd be reasonable to talk to her about keeping things in the best interests of the children.

I thought I recognized your name so I had a look at your other posts. You were the OP who started a thread to criticize their mother and call her 'shady' for having the nerve to do an Easter egg hunt with her own very young children. You haven't been with him long and have started an enormous amount of threads detailing their financial issues and private legal matters. Why are you so involved? It all sounds like a lot of hard work and stress for a relatively new relationship. I can't imagine starting so many threads about someone else's private business.

They are very young yet. How long have their parents been separated?

Just seen the other threads and
You sound possessive, jealous, controlling and somewhat immature. Poor kids. Were you the OW?

Ok, it got mean!

Thank you to those who tried to be helpful, I'll suggest to DP that he just works around it for now in the hope things will get better in future.

To those who tried to be unkind- I hope it made you feel better.

It didn't get mean. You refused to answer pertinent questions as you did on the other threads. I speak from experience of being on both sides of this and you need to butt out in the nicest possible way otherwise you'll become the all round bad guy.

I'll suggest to DP that he just works around it for now in the hope things will get better in future.
Does he really need you to suggest it because he can't work this out by himself? Oh dear, he is looking for a mum in you?

It’s a control tactic on behalf of the mother and she wants to exhurt her power. I bet she’d be the first to complain if dad turned up on ‘her’ time?

Would she kick up a stink if you started attending activities on her time?

The relationship is strained so I don’t think it’s appropriate. It’s dads time, let the kids enjoy the time with dad without interference from her.

My OH’s EW used to arrange activities on dads time as she wanted to attend. She was sternly told by a judge that contact with the dad takes priority over children’s activities, parties etc and the time is for the kids to spend with the dad, not with her.

Can you politely ask her to back down (if the relationship is bitter, I doubt it as politeness don’t usually work with these people). Other alternative is to get this etiquette written into the contact order or start playing her at her own game.

OP - just read through the posts on here. You are getting a hard time from some posters undeservingly and from some who I doubt are even stepmums. Ignore them, this is a SM forum! You don’t have to answer how long you’ve been with your OH. It bears no relevance.

I haven't gone digging or read your other threads. I think it's inappropriate behaviour from the mum. I don't think a contact order should need to specify that the mum should not turn up during contact with father. I wonder if a solicitors letter would be helpful. Maybe stating that if she continues to turn up during contact he will be forced to withdraw the children from their planned activities.

This is total bollocks. She's pissing on her patch. I'd just say no to parties for the moment on Dads contact weekends. When she's got over herself activities can resume.

Wow, some absolute treasures on this board. OP you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

1. No, your DP absolutely categorically should not miss out on parties with his DC's. Birthday parties are an important part of a childs life and his DC's fully deserve to introduce daddy to their friends.
2. His ex is being deliberately difficult and trying to make the situation difficult. its exceptionally controlling and manipulative behaviour. She may be the primary carer and these mums may be her friends, but she can absolutely absent herself from the odd party once a fortnight.

If this becomes an issue, say no to the DC's attending parties on his time from time to time (make other plans) and / or get a letter sent clearly stating that contact time is with your DP and her presence is causing emotional upset for the children as it is not providing them with routine and stability (which children this young really need).

Some posters on here really do suffer from golden uterus syndrome. You do realise that the father should have just as many rights as all of you don't you? I cannot wait until 50%/ 50% contact becomes the starting point and the norm. Makes unreasonable behaviour on either side much more likely to result in change of residency applications...which will be a welcome change in the current system.

@TooSassy - hear hear....

The Easter party was petty however I hate party’s and I was fairly happy to let ex take ds which he did and the odd occasion it landed on my day I took him. That been said you do sound jealous and threatened by her. My ex’s dw was like that to begin with, she wouldn’t talk to me even though we went to school together but would come on pick ups and drops off. She only started talking to me when I was pregnant with dd and things have been fine since.

I would take a step back and allow your dp to address issues with his ex it maybe still raw for her if it’s recent and the dc might be struggling at home hence the clingyness my ds was the same when I broke up with my ex.

As someone who has a really good co-parent relationship with ex the key reason we do is because if we don’t always agree we let it go, our dp don’t get involved and there is zero bad feeling. Often or not problems will arise when partners start getting involved.