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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What is for the best?

33 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 23/04/2018 20:21

My partner has three children and I'm currently 31weeks pregnant. I get on with the children, there are ups and down but we generally all get on well.
The relationship with the ex wife is appalling despite them having been divorced for five years (three and a bit years before i we entered our relationship).
So to cut a long story short the communication has broken down. We have them Tuesday to Thursday every week and usually two weekends a month.
My partner tried to arrange the next four month calander (he works away some weekends) and sent this to her. She didn't respond for five weeks and during this time I have had to schedule various baby apointment including a 37week scan and antenatal classes. I agreed the dates with my partner before booking.
Yesterday she sent a calander and now the only weekend she's allowing him to have the children in the next three months is the weekend of my antenatal classes!. He is upset and saying it means he can't see his children at weekends for several months.
Am I being unreasonable by flatly insisting he attend antenatal and my late scan with me? We pre booked it and it's the only weekend anything is booked on, it's her not me that refusing acess any other weekends. I'm upset as the baby is important and my pregnancy is important to me esp as my first baby and I'm worried/have to have extra scans for medical reasons. I don't think she's being fair not allowing him more weekends because that's what she has decided - no reason has been given. I've offered to help pay for court costs if it ends up there as I think a more formal arrangement is needed, it's currently an 'agreement' not court ordered but if he refuses anything she denies access. He is terrified of instigating court proceedings in case she stops him seeing them at all.
It's causing rows as usually I'm very flexible but I can't be on this occasion and feel I need support.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 20:24

Have you no one who can watch them at your house while you have your appointments?

Snoweyvalley · 23/04/2018 20:28

YABU - a bit.

In the bigger scheme of things this will be forgotten once the baby is here.

Dh never came to any of my anti natel classes as he had to work. Could you not book an evening one?

Could you not book a late scan privately? You go to your hospital one by yourself (which I did many a time ) then book an evening one privately. You can get private ones quite cheap now .

His ex is an arse for leaving it to late but when your dc is here you will see how important it is for him to see them

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/04/2018 20:31

YABU about the antenatal. I would have someone watch his kids while you go for the scan together but he really doesn’t need to be at the antenatal, he already has three kids.

He should do all he can to negotiate with the ex of course.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 23/04/2018 20:41

He is seeing them in the week, it's one day only. I know I sound stroppy but its one day out of all the dates in the last 7 months and I did check before booking. I've changed plans at the last minute to accommodate the kids and the last minute demands in the past. I want him there just in case and he went to antenatal classes with his ex, I can't really see why everyone can't be reasonable and things moved slightly ( I know I live in a dream world !)
My mom is away and he wouldn't feel comfortable leaving his kids with his parents for that long (various reasonable reasons why). I could possibly try my sister's if they are not working that weekend but I feel that's a big ask esp as the kids don't know them that we'll really.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 23/04/2018 21:06

Well firstly, you need to get access time officially organised, because this will probably go on and on otherwise. But secondly yes, he should go with you to the scan, I understand how important it is to you, so he's going to have to stand up to his EX, and change the dates.
If she kicks off, he should tell her he's already started the court procedures concerning access, (and make sure he does) so in future she won't be able to withhold his kids from him....I really cannot understand why some women use their kids as bargaining tools!

Cabininthewoods69 · 23/04/2018 21:16

No you not being unreasonable hun. It's your first baby and even if he has had children before I understand you want to do this with him around.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2018 21:22

I don’t YABU at all. And I’m married to a man with a sometimes pretty awkward ex.

And if she’s fucking him around with dates now, plan for it to get a whole lot worse once your baby’s here.

It’s about £200 to file the papers and he can self represent at a hearing to get a proper contact arrangement.

Him feeling bent over a barrel isn’t going to make for an easy life for anyone and he’s got a way of stopping it which he should take.

laloup1 · 23/04/2018 21:45

You are perfectly reasonable in wanting his support. I am of the belief that if informal arrangements feel like a power battle rather than co-parenting then a formalised arrangement is the way to go. That’s based on really tough conditions with my partner’s ex. That way you can plan months in advance rather than the five week period you describe. Everybody loses flexibility but everyone gains predictability.

NorthernSpirit · 23/04/2018 21:46

Get a court ordered contact order and stop the EW’s silliness. It will only get worse.

moodance · 23/04/2018 21:48

Dear lord ... get a court order in place if you haven't got one already.

I don't believe you are being unreasonable.

RoseBud89 · 23/04/2018 22:01

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Regardless of how many children he has, this is your first together which is just as important.

Hope you manage to get something sorted xx

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 23/04/2018 22:11

I agree ref the court order as yes we loose flexabity but it means that the children (all of them) get stability long term and set days which will save a lot of tears and stress. I genuinely want what's best for them as they are only little and aside from the scan issues, will be devastated not to see their dad at weekends for that long a period of time. Also I'd want them to get quality time with their half brother too over as he will be here (hopefully safely and all well) soon.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 23/04/2018 22:39

YANBU to feel really annoyed by this and I understand that ideally you would like your partner to go with you to the scan and classes. You need to get a stable arrangement sorted so that there is no question of being manipulated. Unfortunately i think that the children need to come as they and your OH will miss out on family life otherwise. I would try to get a babysitter if possible so that he can attend the scan with you but go to the class(s) on my own.

StarsAndStripes111 · 24/04/2018 00:00

I do not think you are being unreasonable. You got in to this together as a couple and it's understandable that you would want him to be there too. This is your first childbirth experience and you deserve to have your partner by your side.

I'm in the same situation (sort of - exwife problems galore) and it's so hard to navigate when unusual working patterns are involved because it's hard to set in stone when exactly you're available. But I'm starting to realise that an official court order, while inflexible, is still a better option presumably than all the back and forthing and control that comes with an informal "agreement" Frankly it can't get worse!

swingofthings · 24/04/2018 06:21

Why does your OH have to send a schedule? Does this mean that contact is not regular and has to be based around your OH works if he goes away? Did she know that the one week-end that he should have them is the week-end of your scan, or is it just a coincidence?

If his schedule meant weekends she had plans already and it is just 'bad luck' that the week-end that was ok is the one of your scan, then I don't see how she is at fault.

If she's done it spitefully, that's another matter.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 24/04/2018 06:39

Swing of things - normally she sends it but this time asked him to. We sent it with eight weekends he was not working and also suggested a few alternatives if these did not work. No idea why none of those eight weekends were doable for her. She dosnt work weekends. My partner works 11 weekends in a year so not many and he knows these six months in advance.
She is currently blocking his emails and messages ref the calander and won't explain why the lack of weekend contact. Beyond 'i get first choice when I see them'

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 24/04/2018 08:18

Get a court ordered contact order and stop the silliness. My OH had a similar scenario - would propose the contact schedule for 6 months in advance and the mother wouldn’t respond. On pushing he was told ‘no’ she had plans. He has let the courts decide and it takes her power and pettiness away.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 24/04/2018 18:56

Definitely get a court order over future arrangements. They sound very odd by the way. Tuesday to Thursday every week and weekends?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 24/04/2018 19:28

The arrangements are strange..largly i think to reduce her childcare bills before and after school. The weekends are important as it's only way we get any time with them as the school is 17 miles away so by the time we have them home and changed/homeworked/ fed it's bedtime.
He pays full child support despite the odd custody arrangements to. But it isn't really about the money, it's about acess at weekends as none or just one in four months isn't fair.

OP posts:
Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 24/04/2018 19:42

Yanbu in my opinion. My husband's ew did this sort of thing when we had our 2 children . Withheld the children for some time around the birth of our Ds purely out of spite. Almost knowing that it would cast a huge shadow on the whole event for dh and stop dsc from bonding with the baby , and feeling like part of the family.
I would say to your Dh that you are not willing to compromise on him missing the scan or the antenal classes .

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 24/04/2018 21:22

It does sound like these arrangements are all about her. Yanbu

Ive two friends this has happened to. One tore up the contact schedule. My DPs EW went mad about the proposed contact we had, not because she didn’t agree with the arrangements, but because it was putting her out of control.

All were when we as SMs were pregnant, it seems to send some EWs into overdrive.

Redbus1030 · 25/04/2018 14:46

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

mastershelp · 26/04/2018 09:50

And if she’s fucking him around with dates now, plan for it to get a whole lot worse once your baby’s here

This was my first thought. I'm all for families drawing up their own agreements but it clearly isn't working. Get a court agreement made ASAP.

On a side note how did you get an NHS scan at the weekend?

DuchyDuke · 26/04/2018 11:46

Can you take the kids with you? Make it a family event? Many of my friends have with their stepkids - and most classes allow kids to come.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 26/04/2018 13:59

Sorry posts unclear scan is at school pick up time on week day and antenatal next day.

OP posts: