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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Comparisons to previous relationship and child!

29 replies

Tango500 · 21/04/2018 18:40

I have been with my partner for a few years now. I'm in my thirties and we regularly have his 5yo DD at weekends. I'm desperate to have my own child with him but I find him constantly comparing to the previous relationship which broke down ( notnin a bad way but worried that history will repeat itself) For example he works late in the summer months and says that I shouldn't expect him to be home by 6pm in the evenings to help with a baby (it's usually more like 8/9ish) I've said I can't see why there would be any issue with this since he needs to go out and earn! But that's how it was previously apparently. Can any parents tell me why I'd need him to be home early on the summer months?! I'm sure I can cope till 8pm! Anyone with experience of this or advice? I can understand he's worried but he cant keep comparing out relationships! Smile

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/04/2018 18:46

You can't cope with one baby till 8pm every day? You're really not in a position to conceive a child.

Original poster
Tango500 · 21/04/2018 19:34

Lol exactly! I'm glad I'm not the only one who was surprised by comment! I thought I was missing something!

OP posts:
Candlelights · 21/04/2018 19:37

I guess he's anxious. He's aware of he reasons why his previous relationship broke down and wants things to be different with you. That's not a bad thing. And whilst I think you should be able up manage with a baby on your own until 8pm, some people would find that a challenge

Original poster
Tango500 · 21/04/2018 19:39

I think possibly I've not explained myself properly.. I mean I'm the previous relationship he was expected to be home by 6pm.. I'm not bothered if i have to wait till 8/9 or whenever! Single parents manage, I'm sure I would too!

OP posts:
Candlelights · 21/04/2018 20:16

So his ex wanted him home by 6pm to help with the baby? And he's checking that you think you'd be ok til later, because he can't really get home that early in the summer? That sounds very sensible of him to me. He doesn't want to end up in a relationship where his partner has expectations he can't meet, so is taking things through before you have a baby this time round. Learning from what went wrong previously

Original poster
Tango500 · 21/04/2018 20:45

That's a good way of seeing it actually! Smile but do you think I'm being unrealistic thinking it won't matter? I know it's tough bringing up a baby.. it won't be easy I know. I'm just trying to be positive about it but I don't want to give myself false hope either if you see what I mean Hmm

OP posts:
MimpiDreams · 21/04/2018 20:54

You're not being unrealistic. Lots of people have partners who work long hours. It's what they do when they're home that counts. My DH is out of the house from 5.30 to 8.00 on weekdays. He made up for it by doing all the majority of parenting at the weekends so I got a rest and he got to bond.

Veterinari · 21/04/2018 21:09

It really depends on expectations - is he telling you that he’s not able to contribute to childrearing on summer evenings, or is he telling you that he doesn’t want to contribute to child rearing full stop?

Would he make up for it in the mornings or weekends? Or would you essentially be a single parent? Would you really love and respect a man who is supposed to be your partner if he didn’t actually pull his weight with DC?

Original poster
Tango500 · 21/04/2018 21:31

Oh no, I have no doubts he won't pull his weight when he's around. He absolutely dotes on his DD now and is a fantastic dad to her when she's around Smile

OP posts:
caseymoo · 21/04/2018 22:10

I had my rose tinted glasses on when I was thinking of starting a family, and thought yep it'll be great I'll cope fine and I'll love being at home all the time.
Now it's here and happening I can see his partners point of view in a way (depending on circumstances obv) because it is so lonely! Yes I cope fine and get on with the parenting lark and enjoy it, but it is very isolating if you don't have a tight net of support around you like friends and family that you can rely on for company.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm sure you'll be a great mum and if you want it then obviously go for it! Just stating that could be a downside to it

caseymoo · 21/04/2018 22:11

Sorry - EX partner!

Candlelights · 21/04/2018 22:52

My DH raised similar issues with prior to us moving in together - well on his internet dating profile tbh! Just making it clear up front that he had a demanding job and wanted a partner who was ok about that.

lunar1 · 21/04/2018 23:08

The problem is, when you have a baby you know what you are getting into, just like you do when you become a step parent. But it's all in theory. In theory we all have perfect babies and step children and everything is like the Walton's. Until it's not, and yours is the baby that screams from the minute they wake and for every hour day and night.

I would talk a little more with him about contingency's for if you have a high needs baby, or if you were to get PND. Is there any flexibility in his job for an odd evening if you really needed it. Or do you have other support?

I worry for you that he would turn his warnings around on you if things don't all go smoothly. You need to know it will be ok to ask for help if you need it, not for him to throw back in your face 'i told you so' or 'you knew what you were getting into.'

swingofthings · 22/04/2018 07:42

The coming home late is probably one thing that was an issue but there are probably more that make him anxious and this time hewill also have his first child to still give as much attention.

He isn't ready yet and need mire time to feel thingswill be ok.

FredaNerkk · 22/04/2018 08:46

I've been a single parent to small babies. In my experience the time between 4-9pm is one of the hardest . Early morning (1am to 6am) is another hard period. Especially if there is more than one child (e.g. a sibling in due course). And if there is no other adult you can ask to come around.
Since you know upfront that you are going to shoulder nearly all of the caring load for the new baby, and you are keen nevertheless you are likely to be fine. And even if it is harder than you expect you will find ways to adjust things (e.g. bath time in morning; keeping your energy up by eating regularly (not waiting until 9pm); not having visitors in the evening).

I hope for your sake you have help some evenings from another adult when/if the baby has colic, reflux, ear infections, teething, chicken pox etc; and when/if you are ill.
And have a think about what you would do if your baby is born in summer, and you needed a caesarean and were then recovering from surgery for 3-6 weeks.
It's definitely do-able, - and I would say go for it. Just be prepared for the fact that you WILL get worn down. Some of the time you will feel great and so much love and fulfilment. But other times will be a real grind.
But in my view, being a mum makes all the difficulties worthwhile.

thethoughtfox · 22/04/2018 08:56

Perhaps his previous partner was anxious and needed extra support, or the baby was high need to mum had depression or health issues pp. You might too.Don't be too dismissive of other women's experiences especially if you only hear about 3rd hand.

MollyDaydream · 22/04/2018 09:02

Of course you will survive til 8pm, but I bet once you have spent the day on your own with a newborn you will be wishing he was home by 6 too!

user1493413286 · 22/04/2018 09:06

You can survive but having been in that position I definitely wished DH could come home earlier and probably nagged him about it. Also the days at home with a baby don’t feel as long in the summer, it’s the winter I found harder
My DH was worried about having a baby as his relationship broke down after having DSD but I just had to reassure him that we’re a very different couple. It helped me be aware and survive the pressure having a baby puts on a relationship

Original poster
Tango500 · 22/04/2018 09:14

Thank you all, some really useful comments and some encouraging ones too. Wintertime won't be an issue since DP works mostly outdoors so should be home much earlier. I don't want to pressure him too much if he's not ready yet obviously, but maybe just discuss his worries for now. I know it could be difficult if the little one got ill. I'm not too worried when it would first be born because I've said from the start if need a bit of extra help at first getting in the swing of things. My parents don't live far away and I have other friends and family who are nearby and supportive. Smile

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/04/2018 10:01

Does he really want another child or is he using his summer work as an excuse?

It's also not just about coming home later...when he did get home he could have been too tired or said he was too tired to do any parenting...meaning his Ex was parenting alone the whole day.

People naturally tell stories from their own perspective on away that puts them in a positive light and the other party in a negative or unreasonable light.

I'd also add that many dads are good/better when the kids are older and more independent like a 5 yo, but are useless with babies when it's much harder work.

If he is too scared of history repeating itself, don't waste endless years trying to persuade him ... decide what's best for you...which might be moving on in order to have a baby in another relationship.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 22/04/2018 10:13

What does his "fantastic" parenting of his 5yo DD look like and are you expected to do any of it? Fantastic parenting to some people just means playing/interacting with their DC but ask them to change a nappy or dress them appropriately for the weather or prep a packed lunch for school and they're clueless.

Original poster
Tango500 · 22/04/2018 11:08

I see Sad. I mean he does talk about 'when we have our own kids' quite often and there's often referrals to it like keeping decent clothes and toys that have been outgrown for the future.. he's always been there to clean up dirty nappies, been there to comfort her when she's ill with current DD so I'm hopeful. Maybe I'm just fooling myself Hmm

OP posts:
MeMyShelfandIkea · 22/04/2018 11:27

Not the same situation I know but my ExH was there for me when I was ill or needed something specific but day-to-day he wasn't really around i.e. he was good at the occasional gestures but not at the everyday stuff. So like I said, is your DP the default person who shops and cooks for his DD when she's with you? Does he do the actual grunt work of parenting, knows in his own right (i.e not via the mum) what's going on with his daughter at school etc? That's just what makes a good parent let alone a fantastic one!

swingofthings · 22/04/2018 11:28

The main issue about him coming back at 8pm might not be as much you being on your own until then but also the fact that he is doing long day that leaves him shattered, he might be in a position to offer the level of support you'll expect from him after this time.

Original poster
Tango500 · 22/04/2018 11:35

I suppose I'm basing the term 'fantastic' on the fact that some of my friends are single mums who's father of their child won't have anything to do with them Hmm he'd have his DD much more often if is ex let him. We'll say for now that he is a very good parent in the respect of being a father when he's allowed to be and he does take the lead on things when he's allowed to. Although I must say, we do have our differences on clothing choices. His is very much about ' keeping warm' where as I'm about keeping warm but also have things that match to a certain degree also! Grin

OP posts:
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