Do you have your step child(ren) if the dad can’t?

[Sammy901]

Just wondered if other step mums had there step children if there partner was unable to on an occasion ?

They has the set up that if he can’t have his step daughter for a weekend due to whatever reason then they normally swap weekends around. The same with the ex if she wants to change then it’s normally swapped. She doesn’t like us using baby sitters that you pay and SD will not stay overnight with grandparents/friends.

Eow contact. Iv been in the picture 10 years and his daughter is just under 10. I’m not the OW but we met while they had separated but we’re both single.

There is a weekend coming up in a few months time when my partner will be away that falls on his weekend, unfortunately we cannot have her the weekend before as there are already plans in place that also can’t be changed.

He’s asked me if il have his daughter on my own (with our 2 children) for the weekend so pick up and drop back as normal. Iv done it before but to be honest I find it draining when she’s over, she constantly follows me around and I’m not exaggerating, I can go upstairs to the toilet and be gone for 2 mins and she’s walking up the stairs asking when I’m doing. She constantly asks what are we doing later about once an hour if I say I don’t know. She always wants to have company so if she’s playing on the PS4 you have to watch her play, wants to play board games. Etc. My children are not like this they can entertain themselves. Sometimes I just have housework to do and don’t want to sit down and watch her play fortnite

We also have 2 kids of our own.

Just wondered if other step mums have the step kids on there own or not?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I have done this a lot, looked after the DSCs on my own, but it got to be expected of me and it was really draining so I stopped.

So only do it if it works for you. If it doesn’t, what is the point? Not good for you, your kids, or your DSD.

[TooSassy]

I think this comes down to boundaries and how much of what you are doing you feel happy to do vs resentful of doing.

My DP helps out with my DC’s all the time. Over school holidays he will work from home on occasion when I couldn’t and they’ve been in his sole care. It works because the flip side is that I support him heaps when it comes to his DC.

The thought of my ex dictating what happens when my DC are with me or my DP telling me ‘sorry you’re not home so your DC can’t be here’ would have me telling him (firmly) to pull his head out of his ass otherwise he could find a new partner. Once we have kids and we make a commitment, we come as a package, end of.

You’ve been in his DD’s life for 10 years. She has half siblings there. Absolutely in this situation she should be welcomed. The question is whether your DH makes a habit of expecting you to do this. And/ or whether he pulls his weight in other respects so you don’t feel resentful of being left for a whole weekend with all the kids.

[Loandbeholdagain]

The following you around and wanting to be with you sounds like a child who is a bit anxious. Probably because it’s not the normal situation. Try a bit of love bombing, it works wonders.

[SandyY2K]

Ive been in the picture 10 years and his daughter is just under 10. I’m not the OW but we met while they had separated but we’re both single.


Just a general observation, not specifically only in your case but there's barely a thread where someone admits to being the OW despite the timing. Maybe coincidental ... I don't know.

You've been in the picture from pretty much her birth/before her birth...

[Sammy901]

Sandy - me and my partner got together while she was pregnant but they were not together.

They were a fling/short lived relationship, she wanted more and he didn’t, split up and then she found out she was pregnant. He said ultimately he didn’t want a child but it was up to her and she kept it, he’s paid every week since she was born and there’s a court order in place for eow due to the fact he met me while she was pregnant and she wanted him back so stopped contact constantly at the beginning due to the fact he was with someone else.

If I was the OW I would say, the only thing I was stupid of is probably getting with someone who had an ex that was pregnant at the time. I was young (18, im 28 now) and when we met that was it... we seen each other every day from day 1 of getting together.

Lowand - it could be anxiety, she is a very sensitive little girl.

Thanks for everyone replying. It’s giving me a lot to think about.

[Thebluedog]

My dh will have my dc if it’s our weekend to have the kids (my dc live with me and my ex has them eow) and I’ve made other plans. But i have to say I’d be a bit pissed off if my ex wasn’t there to look after our dc and it was his weekend, after all he only sees them for 2 nights in 14.

[Likejellytots88]

I've looked after my 2 DSS numerous times when DP has had to work that weekend. I don't see a problem. They come to see me and their little brother as much they come to see dad. But if your not comfortable with it then rearrange your plans.

[Sammy901]

Likejellytots88 - what plans of mine do I need to rearrange exactly ?

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

He said ultimately he didn’t want a child but it was up to her and she kept it, he’s paid every week since she was born and there’s a court order in place for eow due to the fact he met me while she was pregnant and she wanted him back so stopped contact constantly at the beginning due to the fact he was with someone else

It?

You don’t think it would be hard for any mother to have to share her child with a man who had been unable to commit to her? Even more so when he has a new partner immediately who is also a part of her baby’s life?

[Likejellytots88]

for the week before? swap weekends?

[Likejellytots88]

sorry, didn't mean to sound rude was quick typing. meant if you find it difficult alone, swapping weekends so dads there makes more sense even if if meaning rearranging plans

[StarUtopia]

So you met him whilst she was pregnant with this child? (or have I misunderstood that?)

If this is the case, you knowingly got involved with a guy with a child. Child comes with the guy. I don't understand why you wouldn't do this.

[privateporcupine]

ohreally I think it’s fairly obvious that OP wrote “it” as reference to a time when no one knew the sex of the baby. She refers to her DSD as “she” straight after.

And no one, including OP, has stated that would be easy for the ex, but is also not a reason to have stopped contact.

All of which is irrelevant. OP advised she wasn’t OW, but further comment meant she felt she had to further explain. It’s not fair that’s she’s being picked up on that.

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

Yep. As far as thier mum is concerned the weekends aren't her time with the kids so if DH is working or has plans (rare- he's not the going out type) then I have them regardless.

I don't mind, and if I had made plans he diddnt know about that clashed with his at the weekend then he would always cancel his.

Part and parcel of being a SM in my opinion. I don't have kids of 'my own' (hate that phrase)

[Sammy901]

Ohreally - read privateporcupine post a couple after yours. She’s answered all your questions perfectly. What your commenting on is not relevant at all to what I asked at the beginning of the thread.

Starutopia - the same can be said for any women who gets with a man that has a child. It’s irrelevent that we got together while she was pregnant to be honest.

Likejelly - I get you know, the weekend before cannot be rearranged. I will suggest the weekend after if I don’t have her

[lunar1]

I really think you need to think carefully about what your relationship is with this girl. If you were in a typical step mum role then fair enough, your partner would be responsible for sorting this.

But you have been around since before she was born and she has been allowed to call you mummy. How can she be seen as an extra if you have let this relationship develop? If you aren't happy with all that being her mummy involves you should find a gentle way to step back as she could be greatly hurt as she gets older.

[Likejellytots88]

Ah sorry didn't see that part, would have thought the weekend after shouldn;t be a problem, we sometimes swap weekends if there's certain things going on, most recently MIL birthday - she wanted her GC there but wasn't our weekend, explained to ex and she was happy to swap. I don't mind looking having the kids w/o DP but agree it can be overpowering sometimes, luckily my 2 SS are teenagers so I can sit them in front of the tv if i want space!

[rainbowsandfeathers]

Yes all the time we both came as a package and it's important to us that dss knows he has two homes and that sometimes work and plans means one of us isn't always here.

[Mumtomilo23]

I am probably quite unique in this but I never have my stepkids alone (talking more than few hours here) we have been together 4 years and it's not something I never did from the start and would unlikely ever do in the future. They are 2 teens and a pre teen. It's recently been mentioned that I could have them in the summer holidays for a couple of weeks extra while my partner works (I'm on maternity till sept) but we both agreed that was a no because they aren't my responsibility to care for that much. Don't get me wrong they are nice kids, and I enjoy spoiling them and we do things together and have fun etc, there is no underline issues. Just I am an only child, never wanted lots of kids myself so that boundary and expectation was always set from my side, I respect that they are there and they are paid for, treated etc etc but my role is quite separate in terms of most.

[Jaxtellerswife]

Yes I would and do. I know it's a little Disney sounding but the stepkids should feel your home is their home and that they are as welcome as the other kids whether Dad is there or not.
I admit there is some level of fakery involved but that's what you sign up to, treating as your own even if you dont feel it

[ClaryFray]

Nope I don't.

But I would.

Only DP's ex thinks I have two heads and forbids it