Do you have your step child(ren) if the dad can’t?

[Sammy901]

Just wondered if other step mums had there step children if there partner was unable to on an occasion ?

They has the set up that if he can’t have his step daughter for a weekend due to whatever reason then they normally swap weekends around. The same with the ex if she wants to change then it’s normally swapped. She doesn’t like us using baby sitters that you pay and SD will not stay overnight with grandparents/friends.

Eow contact. Iv been in the picture 10 years and his daughter is just under 10. I’m not the OW but we met while they had separated but we’re both single.

There is a weekend coming up in a few months time when my partner will be away that falls on his weekend, unfortunately we cannot have her the weekend before as there are already plans in place that also can’t be changed.

He’s asked me if il have his daughter on my own (with our 2 children) for the weekend so pick up and drop back as normal. Iv done it before but to be honest I find it draining when she’s over, she constantly follows me around and I’m not exaggerating, I can go upstairs to the toilet and be gone for 2 mins and she’s walking up the stairs asking when I’m doing. She constantly asks what are we doing later about once an hour if I say I don’t know. She always wants to have company so if she’s playing on the PS4 you have to watch her play, wants to play board games. Etc. My children are not like this they can entertain themselves. Sometimes I just have housework to do and don’t want to sit down and watch her play fortnite

We also have 2 kids of our own.

Just wondered if other step mums have the step kids on there own or not?

[swingofthings]

Why hasn't your OH asked about swapping for the following week-end if swapping is the norm in these circumstances? If it's not possible because the ex can't, then it is your OH's responsibility to sort something out, even if it is something your ss is not happy with.

Whether you do a favour to your OH depends on the dynamism of your marriage. If you'd been together only a couple of years, I could see that you would not be prepared to do it, but 10 years together, I find it odd you wouldn't be prepared to do this for him. Does he never do anything to make your life easier? If not, then indeed, don't do it but your OH might not take it too well that you can't even spare one week-end to make his life a bit less stressful.

[TwoDots]

DP helps me out no end, so yes I'd be fully prepared to help him too. It's what you do in relationships surely?

[oreosoreosoreos]

I've been with DH for 12 years, DSS is now 14. I will fully admit that I was young and naive in the beginning, and I dove headfirst into being a SM without really thinking a lot of the practicalities through.

DH was always keen to spend as much time as possible with DSS, and I was always happy to facilitate things, so if that meant me having him for a few hours so that DH could then see him when he got home from work I was always happy to do so.

Over the years and for various reasons DSS has gradually ended up living with us (usually sees his DM once a week most weeks for a few hours). DH works long hours, so I am his main 'parent' - through the mundane everyday stuff and through the emotional ups and downs of teenage life.

I know every situation is different, but for me I couldn't imagine having a family where I didn't treat him exactly the same as my DS.

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

Why are some people talking like the OP has never looked after her DSD by herself when she clearly states in her first post "I've done it before"?

I would guess that there's a backstory here e.g OP being left to do all the wife work by her DP with their other two kids or she's not allowed to discipline her DSD properly etc. When you're under stress then little niggles that should be easily coped with under normal circumstances become greatly magnified. There is nearly always a DP problem in these cases rather than a problem with the actual step parent or step children.

[PeppersTheCat]

Nope.

[Sammy901]

Il just answer some questions quickly..

DuchyDuke - re the weekend before: because they can’t be changed, I won’t explain what they are as it doesn’t matter to be honest. It isn’t his weekend which is why it was planned for that weekend.

JK - what plans should I put in place just so she’s not bored ? It’s a normal weekend, I won’t be planning loads of activities just because she’s over, I don’t plan special activities for my kids every weekend.. sometimes it’s just life to stay at home, read a book, watch tv, play the PS4 etc. She just finds it really hard to occupy her own time and I just think she expects to ‘do stuff’ all the time, and my kids don’t on a normal weekend at home.

The point of the contact would just to keep routine as she likes her routine. For example lunch must be at 12! I don’t know how she does it but every single time she’s over and asks what’s for dinner it’s literally within 5 minutes of it being midday! It’s defo a hidden talent of hers lol and no she doesn’t look at any clocks as we have no wall clocks.

For all the posters that are saying why wouldn’t I do this occasionally, I do have her on my own if my OH needs to go out or work but there’s not been many occasions where I’m asked to have her for the whole weekend on my own mostly due to the fact the ex hates me and would rather of kept her when she’s younger but things have been slowly changing over the last couple of years and she doesn’t kick up much of a fuss anymore and let’s her come over even if it’s just me.

[Cyberworrier]

Does your partner HAVE to be away the weekend she is coming? Seems a shame for her to not see her dad. Although surely she also enjoys seeing her half siblings? Do they not play together? Or are your children older and her step siblings? Either way, if they spend EOW together shouldn’t they be used to hanging out together? Could grandparents take the children or just her out for an afternoon to do something?

[Prettylovely]

I have if hes worked the odd weekend day but otherwise no not if he literally isnt there all weekend.

[Sammy901]

oreosoreosoreos - I was also young an naive when we got together, didn’t think it all through. I wouldn’t change anything now but I suppose when your young you don’t think about what happens in 10 years time etc etc.


I think it is the little things that seem like big things sometimes, we have 2 children together and one has severe autism, so it doesn’t make life easier. She also lives an hours drive away and I would need to collect and drop back.

I think it’s because there set up that they agreed together years ago used to be they would swap weekends if one of them couldn’t do it which is fine. Whatever works but like iv said the SM has always hated me but slowly letting me pick her up if needed etc yet just a month ago my step daughter was over and had a horrendous tooth ache etc so a few days later after she went home for the very first time I sent her a what’s app from me and her sister saying hope her tooth feels better and within 2 minutes her mum blocked my number from her phone.

So it kinda feels like if I’m not even good enough to send a message to her which I wouldn’t do all the time, only ever now and again if I knew she had a school trip or wasn’t well or if I seen something she liked for her bday I’d ask if she wanted it etc

I just kind of feel why should I look after her when that’s not the agreement, they normally swap.

I didn’t even think of the weekend after what a idiot I am.

[Sammy901]

Step daughter is 10. Our kids are 7 and 5.

Youngest is disabled and is non verbal etc and he doesn’t ‘play’.. unless you count throwing the contents of his toy box down the stairs

[Sammy901]

Grandparents wouldn’t have all 3 kids unless an emergency.

[Sammy901]

swingofthings - I don’t really ever ask him to do me any favours in a sense. I don’t count looking after his own kids so I can go out on a evening a favour so anything to do with our kids is not counted as helping me out which he agreed with and I suppose theres nothing else to ask him to help me out with.

[Sammy901]

I also know the whole following me around thing is because she wants my attention and wants to be around me.

She actually prefers me to her dad. Would pick me a 100 x over for anything. Always sticks up for me if my OH is giving me a gentle ribbing and winding me up. She would share with me but not with her dad etc. She just prefers me and prefers women in general and also calls me mummy, has done for approx 4-5 years. She knows she doesn’t have to call me mum, iv always said she can call me whatever she wants but she wants to call me mum and we just said it’s up to you but if you ever want to go back to my name you can and I won’t be upset etc

[Prettylovely]

After your update I most definately would not, Let him sort out swapping the weekend after.

[juneau]

Access visits are for her to spend time with her dad. As he's not going to be there, then no, I would not have her to stay. Your plate sounds quite full enough with your own two DC and it's up to your DP and his ex to manage the logistics of their DC - not you. If she can't visit her dad then she should stay with her mum. End of story. I wouldn't get involved, if it were me.

[lunar1]

Completely changed my mind, if you can let her call you Mum you can have her for the weekend!

[bitzy12]

Tbh I do all the time. I even offer to have them. Dss shouldn't be coming on Saturday but ex has asked if we can have him. Dh is working so ive said he can be dropped off with me. It's fine.

We don't really have a social life but on occasions if dh is going out, I'll have dsc's. It really doesn't bother me.

But I don't work due to my son bro autistic, I'm his career so for that I only bring in a small income. He works all the hours he can and provides for my dcs (not biologically his) so in my view, fairs fair. I'd see it as abut shit that he goes out and provides for us yet I do nothing for his dcs.

This is just how we work though, I know a lot of people differ. Id never say I'd have his dcs for a full weekend on my own, I don't mind the odd day/night though.

[bitzy12]

Reading your post op, I'm sorry but I do disagree with you. You've been in her life since she was born, she looks at you as a mother. I'd never let my step children call me mum but then go in a huff that I'm expected to look after her one weekend. She shouldn't be calling you mum if you can't give being a mum back to her. That's very unfair.

Also, it's been 10 years, in the first couple of years I can see why it could be a problem, you are adjusting to a blended family and working out what actually works for you and what doesn't. Clearly this little girl is very very close to you so I just don't understand why stricter barriers haven't been put up if you aren't prepared to look after her one weekend.

[FlippingFoal]

You can 'help' but I don't see why you should be the one doing the pick up or drop off. If it is a favour to the mum (which it is as it isn't your DPs weekend and he is away so can't swap) then surely it is for her to be going out of her way to make things easy for you. If you do agree to have her please don't agree to ferry her about - the mum can do that...

[NerdyBird]

I have my DSDs on my own a lot, but they live with us so it's different. I'd be unlikely to have them on my own for a weekend because DH would prob try and sort some help or try and arrange a playdate or something.
If you do do it, explain it's just going to be a normal weekend at home nothing special. You may have to be firm about her amusing herself for a short time.

[Prettylovely]

My last message clashed with your last update, I agree with lunar1, I have alot of sympathy for sm's not being excepted by the Mum (been there myself) but I also think in this case the fact you let her call you Mum I can see how that ruffles the Mums feathers.

[feelinggoodinspring]

I've always looked after my sd when her dad is at work or out for other reasons when it's his days. But I've always made it clear that I'm unhappy if contact is changed/extra days are arranged without discussing it with me first IF I am the one who will be looking after her. I could have plans of my own/ could be unwell/ could just simply want a day to myself etc...

But normal contact days, of course I will have her when he's not here.

[timeisnotaline]

You have been in the picture ten years, which also means she is over ten. I’d be surprised at not doing this happily as a one off at this point, especially given she is also staying with her half siblings. She has a step family not just a separated dad.

[Winosaurus]

I don’t have SCs for more than an hour or two on my own. They’re DP’s children abc they come to see him, not me.
However you are the mother of your SD’s siblings so it is a different situation. She is coming to see them just as much as her dad and I think you should facilitate that whenever possible. It’s extremely important for your children to have a good relationship with their sister too

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

I would. She loves you and sees you as a mum. You have been her step mum for virtually all of her life - I think you have to treat her as 'yours' in these circumstances. I know it's hard with your youngest but your family has 3 children, not two and I don't think it is fair to say no if she wants to come.