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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling with DSD

44 replies

SGIB14 · 13/04/2018 12:56

I have a DS who is 3 and my partner has a 6 year old daughter. I see her every time she is with her dad and I always welcome her into my house, feed her, cuddle her, have chats about what she's been up to/ school etc. She is a handful at times, has zero manners and is never grateful for anything we do or give her but my partner tends to ignore her behaviour but will jump on my DS if he acts up( I am strict with my DS when it comes to his behaviour and manners) This has caused so many arguments I couldn't begin to tell you.
So my DS has zero relationship with his dad so he is with me 24/7 So where i go he goes and that's how it's always been so my partner understands this. However recently my partner has put a stop to any days out or treats for my son if his daughter isnt involved too. We have ended up stuck in a really crap routine. But his daughter is truely spolit by her mum goes on regular holidays/days out/ activity days etc so it's not like she's never doing anything. I just feel like my son is now missing out on opportunities because if it doesn't collide with the days his DD comes we can't do anything and then when we do something all together it's pretty much always messed up because of her behaviour.
I feel like it's going to have an affect because I've already got to put up with her behaviour and the different boundaries my partner has for the 2 of them and now it feels like life has to revolve around his DD. AIBU to be annoyed and how can I help this

OP posts:
TeeBee · 13/04/2018 12:57

Just tell him no. He ain't the boss.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/04/2018 12:58

Even if it is his DS too, you don’t have to listen to him you know! Just take your son out as you want and leave your miserable DP at home.

MeridianB · 13/04/2018 13:37

She's six, so you can look forward to at least another decade of your DP's inconsistency and unfairness. He sounds like he's full of guilt and turning Disney.

I'd go on the days out/treats with your son and leave 'D'P at home. I'd also think seriously about whether 'D'P is worth it? The way he is with your son is more worrying - that would be the main deciding factor for me.

Separately, do you leave him alone with his DD on the weekends when she comes? If not, I'd give them some big chunks of 1:1 time together - for all sorts of reasons.

privateporcupine · 13/04/2018 13:37

No, that’s not on. Tell him where to go, and then do your own thing. He sounds pretty awful. Is that really the father figure you want for your son for the rest of his life??

fuzzywuzzy · 13/04/2018 13:42

How long have you been with your partner?

Have you moved in with him or him with you?

I’d LTB he’s sounds like a shit parent, a shit step parent, and a shit partner.

ElChan03 · 13/04/2018 15:08

Take your ds out without dp. I would seriously address his disciplining methods if you don't agree and have a discussion about fair for all.

lunar1 · 13/04/2018 15:09

Ask him to keep his dd at his own house more often, you don't always have to have them both at yours. I'd be putting some distance in place until he could treat both children equally.

I wouldn't let anyone tell me what I could do with my children.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/04/2018 15:11

Your dsd has 2 good lives.
Your ds is allowed 1 good life - make sure he gets 1!!

PeonyTruffle · 13/04/2018 15:41

Nope. No way.

Nip that in the bud asap. I say that as a step parent and a step daughter. Your poor son can’t have his life on hold waiting for days out with DSD (which are then ruined by bad behaviour)

missyB1 · 13/04/2018 15:49

Who made him the Lord and master?! Stop letting him dictate to you and your ds.

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 15:51

Why do you need his permission? If he doesn’t want to go leave him behind

PopcornDawn · 13/04/2018 15:52

Maybe your partner sees it from the point of view that because his daughter doesn't get to spend time alone with him, going out for the day etc because you and your ds are always there, its only fair that his dd is involved when your ds gets a treat.

PatriciaHolm · 13/04/2018 15:53

You have loads of arguments about the way he deals with your son and now he wants you to stop having fun with him.

Why don't you put your child first?

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 15:54

How on earth does he have the right to put a stop to it

It sounds like then relationship is bad for your son

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 16:03

Does you dp get alone time with his daughter?

Winosaurus · 13/04/2018 16:19

Just take your son out on your own? Why can’t you do that? If my DP said I couldn’t take my kids somewhere because it wasn’t his weekend with his DDs I would tell him to get lost!

seventh · 13/04/2018 16:48

Oh my god

Who made your partner god and why the FUCK are you putting HIM first and not your DS?

Are you mad?

stayathomegardener · 13/04/2018 16:54

I'm with seventh.

I can sort of understand you might have sleepwalked into this situation but now you can see what's happening do something.

You may have to leave to achieve happiness for your son but the consequences of not dealing with this will ruin his life.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 13/04/2018 16:56

you know what? Just fuck that shit off...now, for the sake of your child.

CheesecakeAddict · 13/04/2018 17:07

I'm going to the zoo on Saturday with DS
But I haven't got DD so no
Oh dear, what a shame. We will see you around 7 then. You can start dinner.

Prettylovely · 13/04/2018 17:14

Wow, And you put up with that? Put your kid first and tell your partner he either sorts himself out or thats it.
Personally I would just dump him.

niknac1 · 13/04/2018 17:40

Your family life cannot stop until your partners child is there, you already know this and it would be unreasonable for your partner to insist it does. If he insists it does then I would let the relationship end.

swingofthings · 13/04/2018 19:00

Oh dear, you've sunk into defensive mode of my kids deserves more than yours, my kid is perfect yours isn't. Good luck getting out of it.

When you get to the point that everything about the kids brews resentment, it never ends well. Either accept that you need to start from scratch again, agree rules, compromise and learn to be fair to both children equally, or move on.

Winosaurus · 13/04/2018 23:31

swiftofthings AGAIN I’m going to have to disagree. 🤦🏼‍♀️
Other people’s children always seem like harder work... that’s because they’re not your own and it’s ok to feel like that.

OP can you please outline what the issue really is because it’s not clear:

  1. Are you bullied into thinking it’s not acceptable to do things on your own with your own DC whenever the SDC isn’t there because DP expects you to include his child in all of your individual plans (totally unreasonable on his behalf)
  1. Has DP told/bullied you that you are not allowed to do anything with or spend money on your DC when SDC isn’t around? (again totally unreasonable on his behalf)
  1. DP has said he won’t go with you if you if you plan days out when his DC isn’t around because he feels guilty spending time/money with your DC when his is with their mum - This is not totally unreasonable but if you are to be a family and he wants to take on a fatherly role he needs to make an effort. Are you by any chance projecting a fatherly position onto him with your DC when he doesn’t really want or isn’t ready for that role? Your child’s father isn’t around and just because you’re dating DP it doesn’t mean he wants to play daddy to your child.
If this is the case I don’t necessarily think he’s doing anything wrong and on the weekends he doesn’t have DSC I would plan nice days out for just you and your DC. It’s understandable why he may not want to be involved in playing happy families with a child that isn’t his when he’s missing and wishing his actual DC is there
SandyY2K · 14/04/2018 01:13

Just take your son out as you want and leave your miserable DP at home.

^ ...^^ This

but my partner tends to ignore her behaviour but will jump on my DS if he acts up
Why are you allowing this to happen? He can't discipline his own 6 year old child...but gets on your 3 year old.

It's on you to sort this out.

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