Struggling with DSD

[SGIB14]

I have a DS who is 3 and my partner has a 6 year old daughter. I see her every time she is with her dad and I always welcome her into my house, feed her, cuddle her, have chats about what she's been up to/ school etc. She is a handful at times, has zero manners and is never grateful for anything we do or give her but my partner tends to ignore her behaviour but will jump on my DS if he acts up( I am strict with my DS when it comes to his behaviour and manners) This has caused so many arguments I couldn't begin to tell you.
So my DS has zero relationship with his dad so he is with me 24/7 So where i go he goes and that's how it's always been so my partner understands this. However recently my partner has put a stop to any days out or treats for my son if his daughter isnt involved too. We have ended up stuck in a really crap routine. But his daughter is truely spolit by her mum goes on regular holidays/days out/ activity days etc so it's not like she's never doing anything. I just feel like my son is now missing out on opportunities because if it doesn't collide with the days his DD comes we can't do anything and then when we do something all together it's pretty much always messed up because of her behaviour.
I feel like it's going to have an affect because I've already got to put up with her behaviour and the different boundaries my partner has for the 2 of them and now it feels like life has to revolve around his DD. AIBU to be annoyed and how can I help this

Your DP sounds like an arse.

Winosaurus, I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with. I agree with your statement and that's the point, the fact that we find our own children easier and more pleasant doesn't mean they are, they are just so to us.

I also agree with your suggesting that OP is projecting and wanting her new partner to take on the role of father to her DS including at times acting like he is his only child.

I expect however that even if he was prepared to do so, he won't when he feels that OP is clearly resentful of his DD. If the message OP is passing is that his kid is a spoilt ungrateful child and that she only puts up with her because she has no choice, whilst expecting him to want to be a father to her own child, it's no surprise he is reacting back.

@Swingofthings I am disagreeing with this part of your statement
Oh dear, you've sunk into defensive mode of my kids deserves more than yours, my kid is perfect yours isn't. Good luck getting out of it.

I didn’t get that impression in her OP at all. Blending families is challenging which can make “fun” days out unpleasant at times. Her frustration comes from the fact she is being prevented or being made to feel guilty for doing anything nice with own child when her SDC isn’t around - which isn’t fair on her her DC.
I don’t think at all that she is saying her DC deserves more, but she is allowed to give him a nice life and not feel bad when SDC is with Mum doing the same

Also your life cannot and should not stop when the SDCs are in their other home. It isn’t fair on any of the DCs to do that.
I think NRP often forget their DCs’ lives don’t stop when they go home, they are not sat their waiting for the NRP - they are living a life and doing enjoyable things too.
It’s not fair on the OP’s DC if his life and any activities have to revolve around a step-sibling. Of course when SDC is there she should be included in any plans but the OP is entitled to do nice things alone with her DC also. That is why the resentment is brewing.
If her DP doesn’t want to join in any days out when his child isn’t there then that’s his choice, but OP shouldn’t be prevented from allowing her on DC’s childhood to continue when SDC isn’t able to come.

*I also agree with your suggesting that OP is projecting and wanting her new partner to take on the role of father to her DS including at times acting like he is his only child.

I expect however that even if he was prepared to do so, he won't when he feels that OP is clearly resentful of his DD. If the message OP is passing is that his kid is a spoilt ungrateful child and that she only puts up with her because she has no choice, whilst expecting him to want to be a father to her own child, it's no surprise he is reacting back.*

Also again (as always!) this is a massive projection on your part 🤦🏼‍♀️

Nowhere does the OP say she wants him to act as if he only has one child. She simply wants to carry on with her DS when SD is at mum’s - totally reasonable.

Also there is no indication that her DP is reacting back to anything? Your use of phrase is deliberately loaded and implying he is cross that she wants to do things with her own DS and she has somehow caused this. You do not know that and you’re projecting.
It is equally likely that he had absent parent guilt and doesn’t want his child to miss out on anything and so is preventing any activities when she isn’t there - which is unreasonable and unfair on OP’s DS.

My DP tried this... “we can’t do this because SDs are at Ex’s that weekend”.
“Well that’s a shame but I’m taking my DCs, you’re welcome to come or not it’s up to you”

Sometimes DP comes along, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes I don’t even ask him because I want 1:1 time with my kids. However I will never be prevented from doing things with my own DC by DP.
SDs are always welcome if they’re with us, but if they’re not then our lives don’t pause until their next visit.

Also again (as always!) this is a massive projection on your part
Projection on my part when nothing in the OP applies to my circumstances!

In just 3 short paragraph, OP has stated that her SD is ungrateful - who expects a 6yo to be grateful-, that she is 'truly' spoilt -because her mum gets to treat her-, and she has to put up with her behaviour.

That's pretty damning and I certainly would be horrified if my OH had posted this about my kids at that age.

I got from the post that what OP wants is to go on days out just the three of them without her SD, not that she can't go out on her own with her DS. Maybe there is also a financial issue that means that if they go out one week-end just the three of us, they wouldn't be able to afford to do something similar again with the four of them.

You always bash the SMs on this board, and project! You do because you’ve never been a SM and you imply every time the issues that occur within blended families are always due to the SMs behaviour. It seems it can never be the parent not disciplining or disney dad/absent parent guilt.

If it’s finances it’s still unfair that OP’s DS us never allowed to have a fun weekend unless SD is available to come. That is not fair or equal treatment of the children.

By spoilt I took it to mean she gets spoilt by her mum - which she may well do, that’s her mother’s prerogative. But I can see why the OP could feel resentment towards the situation if she’s aware SD is allowed to do nice things with mum (without dad there) yet she is being prevented from doing the same with her own child in order to present some faux show of equality between the kids.

I also think that if you choose to live together as a family then all parties need to make an effort with each other’s children, both together and individually. If her DP is completely against doing anything with his partner and stepson then that is not ok either.
In blended families the parents need to do things with each other’s children in order to bond. I would suggest the OP should do this with her SD too and she may reap the benefits from it, but as so often the time the SCs are with the NRP is limited then it isn’t always possible.

How has this even become routine? . I'd have ripped into him the first time he suggested it and Male it quite clear that this was never going to happen. Dump this petulant bully - he is bullying your ds with his one sided "discipline" btw.

Shoes on, get your hand bag and take DS out NOW! Soft play or anything. Just to make the point. Go!

Totally agree with everything winosaurus said.

Ugh. What do you find attractive about this man child?

Frankly, I would be putting my 3 year old toddler first and walking the hell away from anyone who dared suggest I cannot take my child on outings because his child wasn't with me.

Sounds like you aren't cut out for step parenting either.

you imply every time the issues that occur within blended families are always due to the SMs behaviour
Except that it's not what I was implying here! My first post was aimed at OP AND her partner. YOU was you in the plural form. Both are guilty of acting defensively in the interest of their own children.

It's not even about right or wrong most of the time, it's about adapting. When in such a short post, you get so much hostility towards a 6 year old, it does bring the question as to whether there is a way forward when it is inevitable that parents will always defend their kids' interests first.

Just to add, I interpreted that OP was not happy that her partner wasn't willing to accompany her and her child on outings, not that he had an issue with her taking her son out on her own. If that is what OP means, then of course it is controlling behaviour on his part. If however the issue is that he doesn't want to go out without his child, then that is indeed his choice, even if OP doesn't like it.

I dont' think at 3 you should be being strict and DP should not be laying down the law . Wait until DS can talk properly then you have discussions about behaviour and instill kindly rewards for good behaviour.
I think expecting a six year old to be grateful is a bit harsh, she's possibly too young to appreciate that, especially if she is spoiled at DMs.

I think NRP often forget their DCs’ lives don’t stop when they go home, they are not sat their waiting for the NRP - they are living a life and doing enjoyable things too.
This!

DH have booked to take our 3yr old to Disneyland Paris.

DSC aren’t coming for a whole list of reasons but mainly because their DM won’t let them come with us. She has another child with her DP and she doesn’t want him to left out.

She would happily take DSC and her DS away without a second thought to how my DS would feel and not bat an eyelid over him feeling left out (he worships the ground his siblings walk on but she doesn’t recognise him as her children’s brother, just her ex partners child so his feelings are irrelevant to her)

So we either go without them or my DS misses out on things.

It’s so tricky

(Disclaimer, they are all older and have been to Disney many times when they were younger)

*DH and I have booked

Wish you could edit posts!

Stand up to him and take your Son where ever you want. If it was me and he was putting a stop to it I would leave. Your DSD has a Mum who does things with her.

Just tell him no. If he doesn't like it he can bugger off. Your DS should not be losing out because he's a selfish prick.

I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to stay in this relationship in your place.