Time with own children?

[Givenup43]

If you are a stepfamily but living apart...

Do you just do your own thing when you and your partner have your children? Or do you spend the time togetger as one family?

We don't live together and finding it increasingly difficult to balance our time. He has his two children the same weekends I have mine and it's a nightmare. When I do see him it's on his terms and his kids schedule so wondering if it's better to just not see him at all when his kids are there?

But then every other weekend we won't see each other so is that damaging to our relationship? Or is it more damaging to be bored and on the sideline and abiding by what his kids want to...

Like to know what works for others....

You sound like you need more from a partner than he is currently able or willing to offer you. There is nothing wrong with that, but perhaps he isnt the right one for you.

OP, I have a similar situation to you although our DCs are younger. DP has 1, I have 2. We are on the same schedule with our DCs so like you, every other weekend is child free. We don't live together and at the moment I'm sure I'd ever want to. Particularly while the children are the age they are. We occasionally come together for day trips or meals etc when we have our DCs but also spend a lot of time doing our own thing. The DCs get on great and enjoy time together and because it's not all the time, or expected they look forward to it.

We've been together for 2 years and this works for us. During the week we message and speak lots and our relationship is really strong but also fresh as we aren't in each other's pockets.

So to the people who do spend lots of time apar, do you have alot of nessages and contact during that time to keep the spark alive?

No, not really. His job is full on and he rarely gets chance to use his phone (nature of the job)
We'll see each other maybe a couple of nights in the week if we're lucky (I work shifts also so it's difficult to coordinate time together)
Any rare time we get alone (when my children are with EXH) we just make the most of it. We are planning to move in together eventually; but want to be sure it's right for us and my children.

I think if you are invested in it, you can make it work, and reap the benefits later in life :)

I would spend some time with all your kids, even if it’s once a month or say Sunday lunch. Make it something nice, like a takeaway or Sunday lunch and a swim. Or ice skating. Or cycling! See what works and what doesn’t!

Having said that, my meals out with DSCs was just draining! But it’s all worth a try before you give up completely?

@magda I’m so sorry that you do not feel like you can move in with your DP. I’m not surprised though, you were making all the compromises and the kids were coming with a lot of moodiness it seems. That is so draining. Good for you for empowering yourself and not letting your life become overwhelmed with step family issues that are toxic to you and yours.

when his kids are up are spent revolving around dp & his kids watching/going to sport all weekend long. I can't get near my tv or my kitchen & have to retreat to my room to get some peace or I take my kids out if they're not with friends just to get some space.

Did this too, my DSCs never went out at all. Did not chat to me at all. So draining. I feel tonnes better that now it’s just me and my kids.