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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Trying not to be mad at DH

41 replies

SciFiG33k · 06/04/2018 08:22

I take almost all the days off in the school holidays with DSD. DH refuses to saying he doesn't have enough annual leave. Have talked to DH about going abroad later in the year for a week. He doesn't want to go with me. Wants a week annual leave at home to get drunk with his mates. All well and good. I've said so is he also taking the week off in the school holidays with me to go away with or look after DSD. Oh no he can't do that, he doesn't have the leave available. But does have it available to have a week for himself. Can't understand how someone who choose to be a patent can put themselves before their own kid.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WhiteCat1704 · 06/04/2018 08:36

Why are you trying not to be mad at him? He is acting appallingly..

Its very nice of you to take care of SD in school holidays but you don't have to. He has to.
I would go away on holiday and leave him to it. By parenting for him you are enabling him to be lazy, irresponsible father.

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2018 08:48

He sounds a peach....

He’s not fathering his own child, you’re a glorified baby sitter and he won’t even go on holiday with you?

Why are you looking after his child in the school holidays? So you take the time off and your OH says he can’t. You need to stop that. It’s his responsibility, if he hasn’t enough holiday then he needs to arrange childcare.

He doesn’t want to go on holiday with you? Why? That would be a problem for me.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2018 08:53

Really wondering what you get out of being in a relationship with him

'Sobvious what he is getting from you, and that he feels secure enough to make no effort for you...

MarthasGinYard · 06/04/2018 08:55

Ugh

Like hell would I take days off for his parental duties.

Stop

dejectedharry · 06/04/2018 08:56

OP be mad. This is horrendous behaviour. What happens if you refuse to use your leave?

Quartz2208 · 06/04/2018 08:57

yes why are you trying not to be mad - that is appalling and really not on.

He has responsibilites he cant just take a week off and get drunk

Stop enabling him

privateporcupine · 06/04/2018 08:57

He’s a shit dad. You should tell him so, and so should his ex.

privateporcupine · 06/04/2018 08:58

And a shit partner.

Handsfull13 · 06/04/2018 08:58

Get mad, he deserves it.
It's one thing to not be able to go away with you because he's using his holiday to look after his child but to let you do it and then use his for an at home piss up.
Which I'm assuming you're still expected to sort out the house so he can keep having people over to drink with.

Stop using your annual leave for looking after your sd, maybe the odd day off to do girly stuff on your terms because you want to.
He can sort out and pay for childcare.

Go on your annual leave at the same time as his piss up but go on holiday with friends/family so you aren't home to witness his mess.

Greenhouseonthehill · 06/04/2018 09:01

He’s taking you for a fool.

Original poster

SciFiG33k · 06/04/2018 09:02

The problem is DSD is absolutely lovely and I quite happily take time off in holidays to spend time with her. Just feel so sorry for her that neither of her parents are willing to do the same.
Its just this holiday he isn't keen on. He has come on others. Just seems mean to take time off randomly during the year and then say he hasn't the annual leave for his own daughter. He has to take time off over Christmas new year for his job but never has DSD any extra days unless I'm off work even though holiday are supposed to be 50/50.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 06/04/2018 09:08

'He has come on others.'

Kind of gives me the impression you have to do all the legwork, booking etc....

privateporcupine · 06/04/2018 09:09

Stop doing the childcare. Your heart is in the right place, but you’re not doing his relationship with his dad any good. She’ll soon realise dad can’t be arsed to spend the time with her.

privateporcupine · 06/04/2018 09:10

*with his dd

WhiteCat1704 · 06/04/2018 09:16

Ehh..you sound like a lovely, engaged step mum. He sounds like a crap partner and father...why are you with him? How is SD feeling about him not having time for her? Is he so bad that sbe considers it normal?

Feel for her..but you need to think about you first..
I.e.why are you with him? What is he contributing to your life?

Lastoftheusernames · 06/04/2018 09:28

I don't understand what the point of him even having holiday contact is if he isn't there for any of it. Your poor DSD. I know you enjoy time with her but perhaps you should suggest he pays for a holiday club on the days he's working and don't always use your annual leave to look after her. He might feel differently if he has to pay for childcare.

But he sounds like a dick who doesn't put his DD or you first so I think you would be best to get rid.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 09:36

You're letting yourself be used for free childcare here. He should be the one taking annual leave. If you weren't around him and the mum would find a way round it.

I used to get annoyed my DH didn't take leave to look after our DC... if they were my step kids there's no way I would have put up with it.

It's good that you get on with her .. but don't allow yourself to be trodden all over.

Is he a good husband in all other areas?

swingofthings · 06/04/2018 09:37

Sounds like he just doesn't really enjoy his time with his daughter and clearly find drinking with mates more fun.

It won't be long until she comes up to the same conclusion and when she's old enough to stay home alone, won't bother to come any longer. Than your OH will cry that it's not his fault...

At least she's got you and she's very lucky this way.

TempusEejit · 06/04/2018 10:05

Can't understand how someone who choose to be a parent can put themselves before their own kid

I don't mean this unkindly but I can't understand how someone can choose to be with a shit parent who puts themselves before their own kid, let alone pick up their slack! What are his good qualities?

ToesInWater · 06/04/2018 10:59

I work with separated families in conflict. I just wanted to say that I think your DSD is really lucky to have such a great step mum In her life, her dad sounds like a dick tbh - if you are willing/able to be that secure person in her life when she is with her dad then you are so doing the right thing.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 06/04/2018 11:30

That’s so hard actually if you have a good bond with DSD. I’d go on holiday with her and ditch your DP!

Sorry I know breaking up is a big thing, but he sounds so selfish. At the very least please tell him so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2018 11:40

Don't do it. If you continue to compensate for his shitty behaviour he'll continue to treat you like a doormat and his daughter like an inconvenience. You're not doing anyone any favours.

Say no and tell him to sort it.

Fundays12 · 06/04/2018 11:44

Your such a lovely step mum your DSD is very lucky to have you but her father needs kicked into touch. He needs to take time off to care for her too.

Some parents unfortunately take advantage others and the more you do the more they expect and the less they do. It’s very sad and I don’t understand why they have kids but for some reason they just don’t see how hurtful it is towards the child.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 12:52

I'm not sure if you have plans to have children with him ... but he's shown you what he's like as a parent.

The sad thing is ...you can do all this for your DSD ... you could split from your DH....and you have no legal right to see DSD. if her parents don't want you to. I've seen step parents heartbroken in these situations...because they've developed such a close bond with the SC. All your kindness ends up going unappreciated.

Maybe you need to book a holiday away on your own/with friends and leave your DH and his Ex to figure it out.

I've learnt in life that if you give people an inch...they'll take a mile.

When I read this board it often seems like these men married you to help with their kids.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2018 13:27

The problem is

The problem is you have got yourself involved with a pretty poor partner, who is, surprise, surprise, a pretty poor parent. And now, as a lovely person, you are knocking yourself out to make up fo his deficiencies.

And you really can't you know. You could spend your whole life doing this, and he would s**t partner and father. I appreciate that you are a lovely person, trying to do a lovely thing.

There are lots of threads around, talking about lazy men, who don't step up to their responsibilities
Its heartbreaking....

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