So Much Harder Than I Thought!

[sauvignonblanccanvas]

Does anybody else just feel as though being a stepmum is a lot harder than you maybe thought it was going to be?

I know there's the "you knew what you were getting in to when you got with him" and at the time I did - and was more than happy to take him as a package, however knowing what I know now I look back on it realising how incredible naive I was!

I get on great with my stepdaughter - I like her and she likes me, her mother however (DH EXW) is just an absolute drama magnet. She is extremely controlling and has no hesitation about using her child as a weapon / trying to start arguments with him deliberately in front of SD / only referring to mine and DH subsequent DC as her step siblings...The list goes on and it seems like it's new drama every week. They've been to mediation, but nothing ever changes. There is no court agreed contact, they work it out between themselves and currently we have her EOW Friday - Sunday and he sees her sometimes straight from school through the week for a few hours.

I sometimes just want to remove myself from the situation to get away from it. I feel the stress of EXW toxicity almost constantly, and often think if DH and I didn't have children ourselves then we would not be together anymore. I think I'd have ran for the hills had I known this is how it would turn out to be and how much time and energy she would take up in our lives between discussing what's happening and what she's doing next (EXW not DSD)

Like I say I like my SD. I wouldn't say I love her, but I really do enjoy her company - she's a pleasant, funny and clever little girl - but the more and more drama the ex creates is starting to make me associate the bad feeling with her, and I know that's wrong but I can't help it. I know I can't (and wouldn't want to) take her out the equation so is taking myself out of it the better option and letting SD build up a relationship with her siblings purely with her dad? I worry that'll mean she'll never be part of our family unit and will wonder why I'm not there. On the other hand I don't want her picking up on my feelings towards her mum.

You see a lot on here of "if you can't put your feelings aside then step out" type thing. I just wondered if anyone has done that before and it been for the best.

In an ideal world it would be neither I nor SD that needed to be taken from the equation but EXW! I just feel like I can't cope with the drama anymore. I have 2 children of my own plus SD that I want my energy to be focused on - not her!

To sum up, I feel as though EXW is pushing and pushing and pushing to the point it's actually ruining my relationship with DSD because I just want her to be gone (EXW not DSD)

I'm looking for constructive advice on how people would handle this situation because I really do want to try and make it better for all, but I'm finding that so difficult to do. I don't need anybody telling me I'm a terrible person - I really do try my hardest, I know I'm the adult.

As background, SD is 8 and EXW left my DH because she no longer loved him. We got together 1 year after their divorce and have since had a son and a daughter of our own. I have known SD since she was 2 so from her perspective I've always been there.

Sorry for the long post!

Do you have to deal with EW at all ?
Ask your DH not to pass on anything she says to you.
Take a step back and refuse to be involved in EW communications.
It sounds as if your DH should be communicating with her less too.
Why is it always the EW’s who didn’t want their husbands any more who don’t seem to be able to move on.

Hi User,

I don't REALLY, but it's hard to avoid sometimes like for example if we're trying to plan family days out and arrange what's happening and we have a plan for doing one thing and then it's changed suddenly to something else and he'll be saying "EXW has said it'll have to be this now"

I don't have any direct contact with her ever - in fact I've only met her the one time when I was pregnant with my daughter and she ran over to car on a whim when he was dropping SD off one time.

But there is other times where I can see something is getting him down and he won't want to tell me because he knows I don't want involved, and it'll end up being something she's said or did. So then it'll come out anyway.

I've tried to distance myself from it as much as I practically can, but I guess that's more difficult than I thought too. I feel like it's just constantly hanging over us as a couple, and I hate it because it brings me down but seems unavoidable?

He's said to her before he'll only communicate with her about issues to do with SD and nothing else but like I say she's very controlling and she finds ways to make it about her. So he'll get the 3 page long text messages after we've dropped her off saying things like "she's been up sick all night because he let her have half a packet of crisps" or something and that she's not allowed them - so then he'll have to communicate that with me for when she's next with us and explain why and we end up discussing it anyway - it just feels neverending!

Massive hugs. Nobody should have to put up with that sort of crap, least of all the kind of sweet and caring women that are willing to take on such baggage. For the record, the "knew what you were getting into" statement is THE biggest pile of crap. I laugh in the face of any ignorant halfwit who spouts that nonsense. And so should you.

Anyway. It's incredibly hard - impossible, I think - to emotionally separate the SC from the ExW in your mind.

From my observations, ExW drama affecting the relationship to this extent is due to a lack of boundaries - and that falls squarely on DH's lap. Don't waste your energy blaming and hating her (SO much easier said than done, I know, but she's a lost cause), instead focus on your DH and what YOU feel HE could do to lay some ground rules with this woman. Establish methods of contact that limit the scope for arguments.

Perhaps you can tell us more about the current situation (examples of ExW behaviour/typical behaviours/arguments) so we can get a better idea of where it's going wrong and how she's getting in?

My only advice is to suck it up and look for the positives. Concentrate on building a relationship with dad, do fun things together maybe 1:1 so you associate her with happier moments.
Please work on that part and try to block out the EW as when DSD is a teenager you will need to be able to hold onto a good solid relationship to get through the hard parts.

I meant dsd there. My phone likes to change it to dad.

Take heart OP. You are doing a good job!

Sorry I hadn't seen your last post as I was writing.

Some advice for ExW training (which is best undertaken as a team effort by you and DH):

First of all - text messages? Out unless emergency. Set up an email address just for ExW communication and check it once a day. She's not able to communicate like a normal person so she doesn't get to.

Never respond immediately. Non urgent matters need not be responded to any sooner than 24-48 hours. She is not that important.

Have a 'stock' of replies. 'Thanks for letting me know'. 'Ok, will do'. ExW BS does need filtering to get to the point. But once you've established the point (e.g 'blah blah blah blah blah blah Don't feed her crisps blah blah blah blah'). No emotional response, just pick the most appropriate reply from your stock, and send it on. These people feed off drama and giving them nothing makes it less rewarding.

Keep a shared (google docs) spreadsheet with relevant child information (or care instructions, haha) and promote the use of that rather than long critical emails saying where you've gone wrong.

Consider putting together a parenting plan that solidifies the contact arrangement/other arrangements. But definitely have a shared google calendar, and a limit to changes in arrangements.

I second SwitchTo- the only way you can get through it is with the complete support of your DP. It sounds like comms need specific boundaries- and he needs to get into the habit of ignoring texts! My DP's ex texts about mad stuff that is purely intended to provoke a reaction from him (the current flavour of the month is detailing how tired the DS always is after spending time with us)- and my DP simply ignores it. If nothing positive will come from a reply, it doesn't get one. My mantra on this stuff is reduce contact, reduce conflict.

Also, if contact is not currently based on a court order- get one.

I like you @SwitchTo ....

Just don't deal with exwife. Use a broken record technique and say something like I don't want to get involved. You can be sure that upsetting you is her goal in all this. That's why she's doing it. And she's loving that she has so much say in your lives. If she's determined to be difficult then no amount of you being nice is going to change anything. You plan your days out and if DSD comes then fine if her mother decides she can't do this then she doesn't come. I'd think about taking this to court if it gets any worse.

I honestly feel like I could cry at the situation sometimes.

For me I think the problem is that he's incredibly passive and she's the polar opposite. So often his boundaries get crossed and he then has to ask me for advice, and it ends up being partly my problem too because I'm then having to advise him on what to do. Which isn't a role I want - and he knows it so he won't tell me - and then he does and then it's a vicious circle.

It's hard to stay out of it entirely when I feel like we should be communicating about what's bothering each other and usually on his part it's her. And also I need to know what's happening in SD life and what's happening for plans etc.

It feels out of control.

If I was to name examples I could be here all day but just for a few off the top of my head:

• DH couldn't take SD overnight as planned because he was going in to hospital. She demanded in front of SD to know why he was going in because that affects SD... when he said no she said she would go to a lawyer because she has a right to know in case he's going to die (yes said in front of SD) He then comes to me to ask if she can go to a lawyer if he doesn't tell her medical information

• When we were staying with DH family who stay 2 doors apart from each other SD wanted to stay in the other house with Auntie, Uncle and cousinS. When we got back and EXW found out she was fuming that he didn't sleep in the same house as her and it wasn't to happen again next time or she wasn't going.

Next time SD meekly tells DH that she really wants to stay with Auntie and Uncle and is sad that mum said before she went away that she wasn't allowed and had to remind dad.

• I'm usually the one making dinner so he needs to feed back to me what EXW has said she's allowed to eat. There's been countless times where SD has supposedly went home and been up all night sick because he gave her this or fed her that (we don't ever feed her junk I hasten to add) So she often comes with a packed lunch or isn't allowed to eat "X,Y,Z"

There are many more examples but I would literally be here forever.

I'm not saying it's all her and none us. I know that there's been issues on both sides I can recognise that. I'm navigating this situation - I've never been a SM before and SD is older than mine so I've not had to deal with her age group before - and I expect / expected there to be some teething problems along the way, but it just feels like it's harder than it's worth. The problem is that she cant relinquish any control and seems so bitter that it's always point-scoring.

I feel like I'm playing mediator in the background (it was me who actually suggested they went to mediation last time but they never got anything out of it)

I really feel like I'm failing this little girl stuck in the middle while her parents can't sort themselves out (albeit I know DH does his sometimes misguided best)

Thank you for the suggestions... this is what I really needed because I'm literally clueless on where to go.

I think you're right about text messaging although I dread to think the length her emails would be having seen the texts she can produce

I think they were both really trying to avoid court for financial purposes, but like other people have said, if it gets any worse it might be the only option.

I just want the situation to be better. I don't want to feel resentful of the drama that comes with a little girl that has nothing to do with what's happening. I love my DH but I sometimes want to bash their two heads together and tell them to think of what they're doing to their child. Its not his fault really but I feel like he is for not being firm with her on what he thinks is and is not okay (eg arguments in front of SD) I also really worry of the impact the whole thing will have on my two. It would be so easy to walk away and for me to say it's not my problem - because technically it's not. But it's my children's sister we're talking about!

@SwitchTo This is my major problem right now is the emotional connection I have. I can't separate SD and EXW right now and I'm trying so hard, I really am

You need to hang on. She's 8 and very soon, she'll be old enough to communicate directly. Your OH needs to start building up for her to take some responsibilities to inform him on things so that he doesn't rely on the ex as much.

I found communicate with my ex extremely stressful for various reasons, so the earliest I could get DD to speak directly with him the better. At first he wasn't to happy with it -because he loved any opportunity to have a go at me- but he soon realised that it did work better and by the time she had her own mobile by the time she was 9 or 10, he would contact her directly to know about what time I was dropping her off, picking her up etc...

Very soon, she'll be in a position to say herself what she wants to it and what might indeed make her ill, she'll be able to say when her parents evenings are, special events, if she's a bit poorly etc....

Communication should rely reduce significantly, but it might take a a couple more years to get there.

@sauvignonblanccanvas I completely understand. I also understand the guilt that is felt for allowing feelings for the Ex to reflect on to a child who, really, is innocent. It's not your fault, so please forgive yourself right now! You are a good and caring person who is unfortunately suffering the consequences of having a toxic person attached to your relationship. That's all.

It is a good thing, though draining, that your DH asks you for advice. It's hard right now because the problems are many, but once you can team up and present a united front to ExW, it'll pay off.

ExW should not be saying ANYTHING to your DH in front of SD except 'Hello' and force a smile (if it doesn't crack her face). They love to threaten lawyers, but usually it's just barking.

Start the conversation with DH asap about how toxic you find the ExW. He needs to be with you on this. Is he ready to make the necessary changes?

@sothisisnew a VERY good mantra! Wise words here!

Thank you all for your kind advice and words of wisdom! I appreciate it and really needed it today!

I will definitely suggest the calendar / email as possible solutions to DH. I think we definitely need less contact for less conflict.

I feel so sorry for my DH at times. He's a good man and he's a great Dad. He doesn't deserve to be belittled and treated like an idiot in front of his own child. How is SD going to grow up with a high opinion of him, or able to trust him when her mum considers him not capable of feeding her lunch or making decisions about whether she can sleep 2 doors away from him with his family? He can respond appropriately by text message to her because he has time to think about what to say back, but in person she just puts him on the spot and he panics. I think he's actually a bit scared of her! She also blows hot and cold a lot, like one minute she'll be arguing and being rude to him, and then the next time when he keeps it to 'Hiya' and doesn't talk to her she'll be like "why are you being this way? We have to communicate for SD sake" and then it makes him look like the bad guy in front of SD for ignoring her mum. Very manipulative. I can't even start to think of how an 8 year old would process their interactions. Poor kid.

@Swingofthings I actually think encouraging the child to speak directly with the parents regarding contact arrangements etc at such w young age is incredibly damaging.
My eldest SD has been forced to do this by her mother - no issues between DP and his Ex she just simply feels she no longer wants to involve him in anything.
Since SD was 10 she’s been burdened with making/confirming all arrangements and this has caused no end of stress for her as at times DM has forced her to almost act as mediator between disagreeing parents. That’s a HUGE burden for a young child, or even an adult child for that matter. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.
Also it has resulted in now 13yo SD almost having adult responsibility over her own life and arrangements which has caused no end of issues when either parent has said no. But it’s not her fault that she thinks she’s entitled to make these plans without proper permission or consulting her parents because she has been pushed into doing exactly that for years already.

OP I think the shared calendar is a great idea. Or both parents have a wall-planner and email once a month regarding arrangements.

Food-wise your DH needs to get his Ex to write a comprehensive list of what she cannot eat. Stick to it, then if she claims she’s ill (or she genuinely is ill) you’ll know it’s nothing you have fed her and DP can refer ExW back to the list she’s provided.

I know it’s hard but don’t transfer your feelings towards her Mum onto her. She is her own person and the aspects of her mother you don’t like are not her fault or under her control. Think of it like this - how would you feel if for example someone took a dislike to you because of another relative’s behaviour. Not fair is it.
Look for your DP’s likeness in her and she’ll be easier to love. I notice the way my SDs laugh is just how their dad laughs... and I love it. It brings me warmth to hear it

No no no ! Your OH is communicating far to much.
Why is he having all these conversations?
He should be waiting outside , or in the car for pick ups and drop offs.

Delete the texts, no replies. He is fuelling the drama.
I know you don’t want to be involved but him running all communications past you , and you doing a bit of husband training , will pay off. Trust me !!

@SwitchTo DH finds the whole thing as stressful as I do, and I think he has the additional guilt of knowing that as well. However, he's lost over how to fix the situation. I think he thought mediation would solve everything but it hasn't. I really have got the point where I feel like I just want to step out and leave them to it, but then I have this sense of... I don't know... responsibility? to do everything I can to make it work. Everything would just be so much easier if she would leave him be to enjoy his time with his daughter without the demands / instructions / complaints. Ive been put on anxiety medication recently and I think this whole situation has played a big part in it. I just want my family to be happy and not have a stressed out mum! I suppose if in the end I need to step out for everybody's (my own included) sake then so be it, but we'll try the calendar / email plan first and see if that takes some of the pressure off.

Since SD was 10 she’s been burdened with making/confirming all arrangements and this has caused no end of stress for her as at times DM has forced her to almost act as mediator between disagreeing parents. That’s a HUGE burden for a young child, or even an adult child for that matter. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.
What do you mean making/confirming arrangements? In my case, arrangements were in place, so it was more a case of a quick text to say she was on her way, or a text to me to say she was ready to be picked up. It was easier for her to text her dad to say that she'd been invited to a birthday party and was it ok to go if I dropped her off later. Has it was coming from her, he knew that it wasn't me making up an excuse or another (which he often accused me of before).

If there was a change in arrangement it was easier for her to come back from her dad and say that he had to go somewhere one week-end and was it ok for her to stay home. Of course, if that was an issue then, I would contact him directly rather than ask her to do it, but it almost worked out.

I do agree that when arrangements are in place, there really shouldn't need to be much contact anyway.

Sorry your SD got damaged as a result of it. My DD hasn't been and actually find it a lot easier this way and she liked being in control rather than having to wait for me or her dad to confirm what had been agreed. At 10, a kid should be able to start taking some responsibility for themselves as they will be expected to do in relation to their school life when starting secondary school.

What do you mean making/confirming arrangements?
I mean exactly that. What time is he coming to pick them up, Mum won’t be back until such and such a time, she wants us back at this time not that time.
So I’m assuming you and your Ex completely agreed on all arrangements, change of plans and times etc always?
If you didn’t, do you not think it may have put your DD in an uncomfortable position of trying relay information and appease both parents?
Happens all the time and if DP or DM disagreed then SD would be pushed in the middle making calls or texting back and forth trying to reach an agreement. IMO the parents should have just spoken directly and she shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. 10 is far too young to be making these arrangements, it’s down to the parents to do it.
Giving children phones to do it seems to make it easier for the parents, not necessarily the children.

Also IMHO a 9/10 yo old shouldn’t have a mobile phone anyway
HTH

I was the one doing all the picked up and drop off (because he couldn't be bothered), so DD would just text him to say we were on our way, or he would text her to confirm what time she was coming, same as she would text me if she was at a friend to ask if I could pick her up at x time.

Change of plans were always a question, ie 'dad, I've been invited to a party on Saturday afternoon, is it ok if mum picks up early on that day' I don't think he ever said no to such a request. I think there were times when he asked her to text me to say they were eating at X time and was it ok to pick her up afterwards.

The thing is exactly that, once such communication happened with her, it took away all ammunition for confrontation, and I don't recall any disagreements after that. If there had been, I would indeed have contacted him directly not expect DD to become a back and forth between us.

Also IMHO a 9/10 yo old shouldn’t have a mobile phone anyway
Who says, you? No issue with neither my kids having one at that age. They didn't abuse them, lose them or got them stolen. They were used for what they are intended for, communicating!

SD doesn't have a mobile phone of her own yet, but it gives me heart knowing that really the communication side of things will get less and less between them the older she gets.

To be honest I don't really know why they end up having conversation... it's never pleasant. It's like she starts it because she thrives on the drama. I suggested to him about a year ago that he should stay in the car and just ring her to say SD was on her way up (they live in a flat with buzzer controlled entry) but she's sometimes got bags and he helps her upstairs etc and it turns in to a verbal assault. He usually just says he's not getting in to it and has started walking away but then he gets accused of being rude. He can't win.

I think it's going to be up to me to give him the tools to put something in place to try make it better.

Who do they need to communicate with at 9yo? Other than their father in your situation.

Anyway I think it works in your situation Swing because you seem to be ok with whatever changes in plans your Ex or DD request.
Do you think it will be the same in the circumstances OP describes, because I highly doubt it’ll run so smoothly. It seems the ExW is spoiling for a fight a lot of the time and if she makes things awkward and it’s down to the SD to sort out then it will burden a young child.