So Much Harder Than I Thought!

[sauvignonblanccanvas]

Does anybody else just feel as though being a stepmum is a lot harder than you maybe thought it was going to be?

I know there's the "you knew what you were getting in to when you got with him" and at the time I did - and was more than happy to take him as a package, however knowing what I know now I look back on it realising how incredible naive I was!

I get on great with my stepdaughter - I like her and she likes me, her mother however (DH EXW) is just an absolute drama magnet. She is extremely controlling and has no hesitation about using her child as a weapon / trying to start arguments with him deliberately in front of SD / only referring to mine and DH subsequent DC as her step siblings...The list goes on and it seems like it's new drama every week. They've been to mediation, but nothing ever changes. There is no court agreed contact, they work it out between themselves and currently we have her EOW Friday - Sunday and he sees her sometimes straight from school through the week for a few hours.

I sometimes just want to remove myself from the situation to get away from it. I feel the stress of EXW toxicity almost constantly, and often think if DH and I didn't have children ourselves then we would not be together anymore. I think I'd have ran for the hills had I known this is how it would turn out to be and how much time and energy she would take up in our lives between discussing what's happening and what she's doing next (EXW not DSD)

Like I say I like my SD. I wouldn't say I love her, but I really do enjoy her company - she's a pleasant, funny and clever little girl - but the more and more drama the ex creates is starting to make me associate the bad feeling with her, and I know that's wrong but I can't help it. I know I can't (and wouldn't want to) take her out the equation so is taking myself out of it the better option and letting SD build up a relationship with her siblings purely with her dad? I worry that'll mean she'll never be part of our family unit and will wonder why I'm not there. On the other hand I don't want her picking up on my feelings towards her mum.

You see a lot on here of "if you can't put your feelings aside then step out" type thing. I just wondered if anyone has done that before and it been for the best.

In an ideal world it would be neither I nor SD that needed to be taken from the equation but EXW! I just feel like I can't cope with the drama anymore. I have 2 children of my own plus SD that I want my energy to be focused on - not her!

To sum up, I feel as though EXW is pushing and pushing and pushing to the point it's actually ruining my relationship with DSD because I just want her to be gone (EXW not DSD)

I'm looking for constructive advice on how people would handle this situation because I really do want to try and make it better for all, but I'm finding that so difficult to do. I don't need anybody telling me I'm a terrible person - I really do try my hardest, I know I'm the adult.

As background, SD is 8 and EXW left my DH because she no longer loved him. We got together 1 year after their divorce and have since had a son and a daughter of our own. I have known SD since she was 2 so from her perspective I've always been there.

Sorry for the long post!

Me. DS for instance was taking the bus home at 9 (two months before his 10th birthday). DD had tennis games that I didn't always stay to watch so she would text me to tell me it was over and could I pick her up. It's actually their dad who got them their first mobile (to DD and then DS got my ex old one).

OP, do they need to actually talk? Text/emails are a bit less antagonistic.

Do you think it will be the same in the circumstances OP describes
I don't know, it was a suggestion. What we did find, I think both myself and Ex was that it was easier to be nice and co-operative when DD asked rather than he/me!

Just loads of sympathy. I too was incredibly naive. EW seemed ok, they seemed to be amicable. No problems at all for the first year or so... except looking back she spent the first Christmas with DP. I just thought that I’d be grown up about it and support their ‘friendship’.

Speed up to 2-3 years in, and I was slowly being used as an unpaid babysitter, her intrusion was affecting any time I did get with DP (phone calls etc). It was and is like he still has another wife.

Like you if I’d known I’d have run away, fast! Awful.

I did try to make things better, and some of these things helped:

1. Standing up for me and my relationship. So protesting about phone calls late in evening while we had our only quality time. Asking DP to reduce these or ignore.
2. refusing to have the DSCs when DP was at work. Refusing to have DSCs live in the house if we were away. I still get SO much flack for this! But it was better than being totally unappreciated.
3. Getting DP to get a regular timetable well in advance for when we had kids. So much drama and also contact between DP and EW otherwise. With fair division of time.
4. Never bad mouthing the mother. Being the better person. Keeping well away if possible.

Good luck.

@swingofthings The problem is that DH works shifts and he gets them a month in advance (not ideal but he's trying to sort more advance notice through his work at the moment) So they have to discuss arrangements at LEAST once a month. I think the calendar should hopefully change some of that, but as it stands really he needs to tell her when he's available and she has to agree or disagree to that being suitable.

If it was always set days / times then it would be much more straightforward for us all.

I know this is off-topic (sorry OP!) but if my DSC had phones their mum would absolutely use them as a means to get what she wanted disguised as something they wanted.

OP I couldn’t read and run. I am a step Mum and currently pregnant with my first. My DH’s ex partner was a lot like this in the beginning and it took time, ‘management’ (she still needs to be managed), her finding her own partner and my DH to let go of his guilt for things to get better. But my God it can be so stressful so I know exactly how you feel. He still sometimes gets three page long text messages which he just ignores.

You need to know that what she eats when she’s with you and her sleeping arrangements when she’s with you are for her father to decide the mother can not dictate this (unless of course she has allergies or intolerances etc but that doesn’t appear to be the case here).

PM me OP there’s other stuff I’d want to tell you that may help but not comfortable putting it on a public forum (always got to be careful! )

The way your DPs EW manipulates is so similar to my DPs EW!

For years she contacted every day. Often at night and early morning. I think she was bored partly, her BF lives far away. She’d use the kids as an excuse to have lots of contact with DP who was very permissive with her. Scared of her anger but would never admit it (part of the problem). He still goes to her house twice a day to take the now adult kids to Uni. She will come out and talk, or ask him to pop in. Constant favours.

It always starts with the children but is really about her needs. Lately, and this is a full 10 years after their break up, she sent him a string on texts. Using phrases like
‘Well I’m very concerned about DD. You have no interest.’
‘Aren’t you going to call to ask why? Do you not have any care for your daughters wellbeing?’
‘Why am I always having to chase you? We should be meeting up regularly to discuss important issues. Just because they are over 18 doesn’t mean they don’t have problems’

DP replies... sorry what is the issue? Just text me or call? I see the girls every single day and talk to them about their lives. They say all is going well?

EW well you don’t know. You don’t ask me. I’m bringing up all the children on my own. You don’t know if you don’t talk to me.
Texting is crap. We should be talking face to face.

(DP acquiesces to all demands and takes her out for dinner and several visits)
EW. You are great so good you are looking out for our baby.
(Baby is 18 years old, no particular issues)
Next day.
EW you haven’t called yet. (Sent at 1am)...

The above is just a fraction of the texts sent over a 2-3 week period!

@Bananasinpyjamas11 You've done amazingly well to deal with it for so long. I don't think I could. I feel like I'm at the crossroads right now with where to go with the whole thing! And feeling crappy about it!

Thank you for your advice... I think I agree - it wasnt too bad to start with and I just thought it would get better in time but when I look back it's actually got 10 times worse. I feel so bad when I think I'd have walked away knowing then what I did now, and then at the same time I'm like why should I feel like that? We're happy aside from her interference. It's not an enviable situation at all!

Hi @sauvignonblanccanvas - it could be me writing this. Dp & I have no kids together & I honestly don't know if this makes things better or worse!
Dp's ew very similar to your situation though the kids are all older (12, 15, & 18).
Since meeting me 3.5 years ago dp has put down boundaries with her, HOWEVER, she (while using the kids) still manages to tap in to his 'guilt' /guilt projected on to him by her, which he then gives in to.
As a result I have a superficially fine relationship with his kids but there's no depth there. They are very wary of me & like you I really have to disassociate them from her in my head. This is not helped by the fact that two of them are very like her regarding their personality traits & there's very little of dp in them, or if there is I can't see it.
It situations like this the 'dad guilt' is the key factor. In dp's case the split was mutual, at least until she realized what she was losing - money on tap & a handyman! When he met me she went berserk as she realized that she'd be losing her 'divorced husband' which is how she viewed him. Since then he's been made feel guilty for "leaving her & the kids" which he didn't do.
Dp stopped responding to her often very abusive txts & calls so then she started txting about how unhappy the boys were with me, at school etc. etc. & so that reeled him in again! And the boys ARE unhappy with me - it's very obvious at times - but the irony is that at first they were lovely to me but once dp & I got serious she started working on them; telling them he'd be leaving them for a new family!!! I think his kids just don't know what to think anymore.
Anyhow my point is that I know my situation won't change unless dp takes drastic action with her & I'm not sure he has the nerve to do that. As others have said your dp is the key to all this & if he (like so many others) can't ride out the shit storm that comes with issuing a loud & definitive "LEAVE US ALONE" then things may not get much easier.

@Magda72 I understand your pain completely. What I didn't understand before I started this, and what I'm starting to see is that he really does still have too much contact with her. And I'm wondering if he's suffering from the same guilt. I think we'll need to lay all the cards on the table and I'll have to tell him that my boundaries need to start being respected. No doubt when he tries to put boundaries in to place though it'll probably be bad me pulling the strings I guess. I don't understand why she cares - she got rid of him!

Very wise advice from @Switchto....

My OH has a bat shit crazy EW and I cope by not getting involved. Of course I support my OH but I don’t give the woman any space in my head (she’s pulled such nasty shit she doesn’t deserve it).

My OH worked into their contact order that contact is to be via email. He writes in a direct business like manner with no emotion. She usually writes some vitriolic diatribe which he never emotionally responds to. It’s court ordered that they respond with 2 days, my OH always does. She plays games and never does.

Never stoop to their level and maintain your standards and values.

What a sad situation. Very often on MN people think women/mums ate always right...must always be the mans fault.... reading this board just shows how many nasty and unreasonable women are put there ... and these men were in relationships with them at one point.

The control is just another form of abuse by these women.

The sad thing is it's men like your DH that those kind of women abuse .... because they can get away with it.

It's extremely hard to navigate and like I say it's really affecting our current relationship in a very negative way.

She has refused to communicate via email with him, only by text so not really sure where to go from here.

If he blocks her and refuses to communicate by text she will have to email

What a carry on.

Please please please tell your husband to stop feeding the dragon. The more he feeds her the hungrier she will get!

Communication should be by email only and in if there is an emergency then she can call ex mil and she will ring her son?!

This woman has no right to dictate what happens in your contact time as long as her child is not at risk.

In the meantime (until you persuade your dh to go to email only) replies to text messages should be short and business like.

He should also ignore ridiculous text messages.

If she is rude when he is picking up his child, he should only make eye contact with his daughter and say ‘I’ve missed you let’s get you back’ and completely ignore the crazy woman.

If he must respond he needs to say ‘email me’ and that’s it.

This is not ideal but neither is this ex!

We've discussed and he's not going to text her back... however knowing how difficult she is she won't email him either and it will be a stand off.

What do you think would be best way forward in that scenario? Because if it then goes over to his contact time should he just go get her as normal without communication?

If he was to go to a lawyer or mediator and say he wants minimal contact is there anyway that would be refused to him and he'd be told he has to text her?

Last time at mediation he was taking SD on holiday and he had to agree to daily updates via text and "point to point" updates - eg. this is where we are now. And also a Skype phone call.

I just think low contact is going to be the best way forward for now, bearing in mind how hostile the situation is and the impact it's having on us all.

I wonder if court would allow him that if she disagreed?

The court would definitely not allow her to dictate what the hell goes on the way she does now.

And yes the court will decide what sort of communication can take place if the parents are at war about it.

I would not be allowing daily contact on holidays either. Skype once or twice yes but that’s it.

Your dp needs to email his shifts details to her and see how she responds. He only needs to tell her the days and times he will be picking up and dropping off that month.

Whatever she says back is irrelevant.

As a result I have a superficially fine relationship with his kids but there's no depth there. They are very wary of me & like you I really have to disassociate them from her in my head.

You have articulated the effect of a very manipulative EW on the SM and DSC relationship. I feel that this is totally true for me too.

Dp stopped responding to her often very abusive txts & calls so then she started txting about how unhappy the boys were with me, at school etc. etc. & so that reeled him in again! And the boys ARE unhappy with me - it's very obvious at times - but the irony is that at first they were lovely to me but once dp & I got serious she started working on them; telling them he'd be leaving them for a new family!!! I think his kids just don't know what to think anymore.

@magda I’m so sorry too for what you are going through. I could have written the above too. It’s maddening really. It’s not as simple as leaving our DPs because they are not standing up to them either. Our whole lives have become invested and it’s not easy to start again. Very tough situation.

And the boys ARE unhappy with me - it's very obvious at times - but the irony is that at first they were lovely to me but once dp & I got serious she started working on them; telling them he'd be leaving them for a new family!!! I think his kids just don't know what to think anymore.

I had the same..or rather SD was told very similar stuff from when it became apparent me and DH were serious..It caused damage. In our case SD at almost 18 has no contact with her DM anymore. It might and probably will change but SD has 0 financial support from her mother (and the women has money) and is going to university. She knows who she can relay on.

I feel like I'm the same. I like my stepdaughter, but unfortunately associate her with the drama that comes with her mum. I try my hardest to not let it interfere but it's difficult at best.

I know her mum says negative things about her dad and my kids (so probably me as well) but all I can do is be kind and open to her when she's here, which I am. My conscience is clear. But it does sometimes feel like there's no depth there because she probably feels torn.

I like to view myself as the 'cool Aunt' figure who she can speak to about things if / when she wants, but I generally will leave her to her own devices if she's happy. I've thought about perhaps suggesting to DH some sort of play therapy for her to allow her to build up the tools to deal with the conflict she's seen / all the changes she's been through but I doubt EXW would allow it. She won't even agree to email him

I feel the same about associating the drama. I hate to admit it, I do t want to feel like it as they're just children, but it's hard not to. When you see so many ex traits in the child too. I honestly fear as DSD gets older, I will be living with another version of the ex. They're so similar!

You say in your original post that he has her EOW Friday-Sunday, but later say that they have to discuss arrangements every month depending on his shift.

If indeed contact on weekends is dependent on his shift, then he needs to be careful not to rock the boat too much as ultimately, she is doing him a favour by agreeing to this and a judge could potentially agree that a contact arrangement should be established and it's up to your OH to find childcare arrangement if he can't have her when he works.

There are some communication that are definitely not worth rising to. Usually, the more you want to respond, the more likely it is that it is best not to.

'Usually, the more you want to respond, the more likely it is that it is best not to.'

That's definitely true! It takes a lot of strength to let injustice/unfairness go in these situations,, but that's exactly what you've got to make peace with. It's for the DC, it's for the DC, it's for the DC....

@swingofthings Yes, it it's usually EOW - usually twice per month but can end up being two weekends consecutively, or the first weekend of the month, and then the last depending on shifts if you see what I mean? He always sees her one night per week too, but again that changes depending on his shifts. Its not a good arrangement for any of us to be honest, I think we would all rather have something more firm in place, but it's hard when there's shift work involved.

If it was to be court ordered and it was a strict EOW policy I guess that would work because I could look after her and wouldn't mind doing so... but would mean that she potentially wouldn't be here a weekend when he was off, or vice versa be here with me and not really see him at all which is the point really. He usually either has full weekends on or full weekends off, so it's not a case of he works one day and has the other off.

How would a court normally decide around shift work?