Different financial situations - DP and ExW

[Aprilshowers3]

Inspired a little by a thread yesterday.
Just to get the background - DP has 2 DCs with his ExW. He pays over the CMS recommended amount to ExW (20% of his pay) and we have the DSCs 2-3 nights a week. DSCs are both at primary school. When DP and ExW were together, they rented a house. ExW still rents. I wasn't the OW. All the adults get on, but only for the sake of the children.

DP and I have been together 3 years. We bought a house together recently as my house was not big enough for us all. When we met I had a 2 bed. I sold this and we bought our new home. DP didn't have any savings, (he was and still is paying off joint debt from when they were married), but his parents gave him a generous deposit. It wasn't as much as mine so I own and pay 60% of the mortgage and DP 40%. This works for us as DP pays maintenance and I earn more and my money is protected if we split etc.

Bills etc are split 50/50, including everything for the DC/DSC. DP and the DSC come as a package so I'm happy paying for them. I love them all.

ExW has been making comments about 'your big house' to DP and has asked him to up his maintenance by 25%. DP cannot afford to do this. If he pays more money, he would have to cut what he pays towards the mortgage/bills and I would have to make up the difference. Which I could just afford but it would be a stretch.
(FWIW it isnt a 'big house', it is a extended 4 bed semi on an estate)

DP talked to ExW and suggested that she works more hours if she needs more money. She currently works about 16 hours a week. DP said he would have DCs more to enable this. We both have flexible jobs so we can do school drop offs/pick ups.
ExW said she doesn't want to work more as she wants to be there for the DC while they are still young, DP pointed out that that was her choice but that he shouldn't have to pay more because she didn't want to work more. DP would love to work part time to spend more time with his DC but this is just not financially viable.

The DC have private music lessons (just started and initiated by ExW not DCs) and private swimming lessons (£20 a week each!) which DP suggested that they change to group lessons if ExW cannot afford it but ExW does not want to do this.

I understand it must be difficult for his ExW to see that DP has a bigger house but this is due to us having 2 full time wages coming into the home, his parents being generous and the money from my old house.

Is DP being unreasonable to not want to pay more?
He feels he pays a fair amount and also buys clothes, contributes to uniform/shoes etc for the DC. I know this should be between DP and his ExW but it would effect me if he paid more.

Just for context, DP has a battered old car and rarely buys himself anything as he can't afford it. My car is slightly newer but by no means flash.

No of course not.

She’s expecting you, an unconnected adult, to financially subsidise her. When she chooses to work pt.

The new bigger house also benefits the DC, as does your generous financial contribution to their costs.

He’s banging his head against a brick wall trying to reason with her. He shouldn’t bother. He’s paying more than he needs to, she’s spending more than she can afford and still wants more.

We’ve had the same bollocks here around how much things we have and do cost. As if DC care so they’re clearly being interrogated about it. How much was your new car, was the new sofa expensive, how come you’re taking us away again next month. So prepare for that too.

We have a few standard responses, either oh I don’t remember exactly but the new sofa is much more comfortable/the old car was dying so it’s good we got a new one, or if needed - well you know we both work hard in our jobs and save up to afford to do nice things with you.

What we’d never say is that mum got the vast majority of the equity so has nearly no mortgage, gets child support, spousal and childcare vouchers every month, chooses to work pt and support a bf who doesn’t work and when she goes on holiday it’s with him or her mates, hardly ever the DC so we think it’s even more important they get to go to, see, experience good and interesting things.

You know, because we’re the grown ups and all we can do it focus on giving them a good life irrespective of what she chooses to spend her money on. I don’t feel guilty for having a good job I work hard at and prioritising my DSC. Why would I?

Pff ExW sounds like a witch. Your DP is generous enough (2-3 nights a week is 35% of the care and he pays 20% of his wages as CM! The rate is 12% with NO shared care!) so she needs to get her head around the fact that DP's money isn't her money and she should keep her grabby mitts away from it! She can easily work more than 16hrs with 2 DC at school.

I applaud you for being comfortable with the idea of paying more in mortgage/bills to make up for the shortfall giving this woman more money would represent, because to me that would feel like putting money directly in this woman's pocket.. and sod that!

Suggest he tell her he is happy to go with cms amount or she can stfu and start providing more for the dc herself.
Wouldn't we all like to be there more for our dc?

That too. If she doesn’t like the status quo, he goes through CMS and she can see how she likes that.

And before someone typically barrels in telling you you’re just the stepmum so it’s nothing to do with you, of course it is when you’re subsiding your partner so he can pay over the odds to his ex, and that remains the case only as long as you want it to.

The ex is pissed off cos the ex PIL gave your DP money . Which they did not do while they were together.

Thanks for all the replies.
AnneLovesGilbert We've had those question from the DC already. I just tell them that we work hard for our money, which is why they need to work hard at school to get good jobs when they are older.

Twogoround I think you might be right but DPs parents didn't like ExW much. They offered DP the money as I financially contributing too. They did give DP money when he was with ExW, which paid off debt she ran up before she was with DP!

Then April you have massive MIL /DP problem.
The step kids know there grandparents hate their mum so does your DP hence why he pays more than he should .
Do not have kids with man as it get very very very bad.
No adult should show a child how much their hate parent like your In laws have done.
It is vile and cruel thing to do .
You with have major problems with In laws please be careful.

Twogoround The inlaws no longer see ExW and the DC do not know they do not like her. They would never say anything to the DC and didnt say anything to DP until he divorced her!

And DP doesn't pay out of guilt he pays as he wants the best for his DC.

Please don't kids yourself that kids don't know the grandparent hate their mum.
What do say the kids when ask why daddy has a big house and the y don't. They will work out it how much their grandparents hate them .

I received 20% of ExH's salary for two DC via CSA and then CMS when it changed.

I presume it was net as it was a pittance compared to the actual costs of keeping the family home / roof over their heads etc. It was being given custody of the mortgage after he fucked off that really bit hard financially. Rents are high, too. Just saying.

Rents are high however she should be capable of supporting herself, if she’s not then she needs to either increase her working hours or change to a job where she can.
Expecting your Ex to pick up her tab for a lifestyle choice is not on.

Your OH answered exactly how he should have. It is indeed her choice to be financially restricted by working the few hours she can to claim maximum benefits. Doing so is a luxury, not a due. Her decision, her choice, her dealing with the consequences of them.

twogoround I think you’re projecting here. There is nothing to suggest any ‘hatred’ or that the dc see anything untoward. If the ask about the bigger house then clearly the answer is because OP is paying as well as their df.

Adults are perfectly capable of disliking someone without blasting it from the rooftops fgs. Saying the dc will know is utter rubbish and suggesting parents contributing to a house deposit makes it obvious the gps hate them is preposterous.

Honestly, serious projecting here. How do you think most of us get through the working week if we are not capable of not letting on that we don't like someone? My own ex is an absolute piece of shit (legally speaking) however my dd has no clue i dont like him and she's a teen so would have noticed by now if it were that clear.

Ok, it sounds like you are both doing all you can. As others have said check cms/a/whatever it is now for the suggested figures there and suggest that is the sum in offer if exw prefers. 20% of a full time wage plus 30% of the childcare done is generous by most standards.

Part of me says your dp should tell her 'well due to the new house I don't have as much so I was going to drop maintenance down to the CMS recommendation but if your that worried for money I will continue with what it currently is'
Would scare the shit out of her but isn't the nicest way to go about it and she would take it badly.

No, just ignore. It’s just jealousy.

Agree you should threaten to go via CMS. Just ran your figures through the calc and based on the shared care of 2-3 nights a week he'd be paying around 9%. So he's paying over double already. Just sayin'.

oops! my bad. 11.3%.

My partners ex wanted her maintenance increased every time we booked a holiday! (Once a year) some women aren't happy unless the man is in sackcloth and ashes.
No I wasn't OW and yes I receive maintenance from my ex so I do have experience of CMS/CSA

Run the numbers through CMS and then have him how her....it might help to clarify the situation for her. She is still thinking as a couple when in fact they aren't.

No of course you shouldn't do this. She has to realise a man isn't a meal ticket for life and she is now divorced and must help herself. She's just jealous because you now have a better house than she has which is a bit understandable up to a point. But that's not your problem.

If she gives you any more grief get your DP to say well I already pay over the prescribed amount and if you're not happy with that we can go to court. Don't give in.

God I was in a similar situation to you. Been with my OH 4 years. I was wasn’t the OH. He was divorced and they were still arguing about the finances when we met.

The EW didn’t get anything near what she wanted out of the divorce finances (despite my OH making some very generous offers). She wouldn’t accept, got done for perjury in court and a judge decided.

All of his money is tied up in the FMH. He pays over the CMS amount, pays extra when needed etc etc.

I bought a house for us to live in and big enough to home his 2 kids when they stay. The EW & kids don’t know it’s my money (we pay half the mortgage etc each - actually correction I pay 10% more as I earn more).

We constantly get asked by the kids. How much did the house cost, how much did your new car cost etc etc. I tell them that if you work hard at school and got to university you can get a good job and buy nice things.

The EW is always asking for more money. She works 16 hours per week over 3 days (kids are 10 & 13). Refuses to work any more and pleads poverty. She lives in a 3 bed 3 bath private gated development.

I know it’s hard being a single mum. But tough, if she wants more money im(in my case) then get off your backside and earn it. I’m certainly not subsidising her (I work circa 45 hours a week and have a 15 hour commute on top). These women need to realise the meal ticket is over (my OH tells me this was the main reason why he left).

Yanbu. Sounds like you and your dp are doing the best that you can for his children. I wish my ex and his girlfriend were a bit more like you both. Mine bangs on about how much he pays me to spend on myself

Your dp is not being unreasonable & do not pay her anymore or it will never end.
My dps ex looks for more money constantly despite receiving huge child maintenance & living mortgage free & car loan free in a house & car dp bought for her. She also received an extremely large one off cash payment from dp in their divorce.
This woman refuses point blank to work even though all kids are in secondary school.
I know this may seem unkind but she's a total sponger & honestly seems to think that his sole purpose in life is to look after her.
Say no & stick to your guns.

I’d show her the official CMS amounts based on his earnings and how much he has them overnight, then to tell her to jog on as she’s already getting over double what she should. If she wants more money she can fucking well earn it like the rest of us have to!

As for her ExPILs, what they do with their money is none of her business!