Different financial situations - DP and ExW

[Aprilshowers3]

Inspired a little by a thread yesterday.
Just to get the background - DP has 2 DCs with his ExW. He pays over the CMS recommended amount to ExW (20% of his pay) and we have the DSCs 2-3 nights a week. DSCs are both at primary school. When DP and ExW were together, they rented a house. ExW still rents. I wasn't the OW. All the adults get on, but only for the sake of the children.

DP and I have been together 3 years. We bought a house together recently as my house was not big enough for us all. When we met I had a 2 bed. I sold this and we bought our new home. DP didn't have any savings, (he was and still is paying off joint debt from when they were married), but his parents gave him a generous deposit. It wasn't as much as mine so I own and pay 60% of the mortgage and DP 40%. This works for us as DP pays maintenance and I earn more and my money is protected if we split etc.

Bills etc are split 50/50, including everything for the DC/DSC. DP and the DSC come as a package so I'm happy paying for them. I love them all.

ExW has been making comments about 'your big house' to DP and has asked him to up his maintenance by 25%. DP cannot afford to do this. If he pays more money, he would have to cut what he pays towards the mortgage/bills and I would have to make up the difference. Which I could just afford but it would be a stretch.
(FWIW it isnt a 'big house', it is a extended 4 bed semi on an estate)

DP talked to ExW and suggested that she works more hours if she needs more money. She currently works about 16 hours a week. DP said he would have DCs more to enable this. We both have flexible jobs so we can do school drop offs/pick ups.
ExW said she doesn't want to work more as she wants to be there for the DC while they are still young, DP pointed out that that was her choice but that he shouldn't have to pay more because she didn't want to work more. DP would love to work part time to spend more time with his DC but this is just not financially viable.

The DC have private music lessons (just started and initiated by ExW not DCs) and private swimming lessons (£20 a week each!) which DP suggested that they change to group lessons if ExW cannot afford it but ExW does not want to do this.

I understand it must be difficult for his ExW to see that DP has a bigger house but this is due to us having 2 full time wages coming into the home, his parents being generous and the money from my old house.

Is DP being unreasonable to not want to pay more?
He feels he pays a fair amount and also buys clothes, contributes to uniform/shoes etc for the DC. I know this should be between DP and his ExW but it would effect me if he paid more.

Just for context, DP has a battered old car and rarely buys himself anything as he can't afford it. My car is slightly newer but by no means flash.

Thanks for all the replies. I don't feel so bad now.

OP, your post makes me I really do sympathise as my husband’s ex is very similar to this. As other posters have said she just needs to suck it up and work harder if she wants more money. My husband’s ex actually thought the CMS took into account my salary! Which basically meant that even after being abusive to me, she would have been happy to take my money had the law allowed.

Gosh she sounds awful. Your DP is absolutely right.

Posters are projecting. It really doesn't sound like the hatred is obvious. I can't see the issue with parents telling their son they hate his ex wife. Those conversations are between adults and it doesn't mean those things are passed onto the DC.

If she keeps on I'd be threatening to drop down to CMS rates.

mismatched bloody hell she's batshit. See I'm so glad the law has changed on that front. I honestly don't think I could be with DP if I had to hand over my hard earned cash to his ex.

@mismatchedstripeysocks - the audacity of these women who think they are entitled to a new partners hard earned cash?!

I bring some assets into my relationship with my OH. His solicitor actually recommended we enter into an agreement ore-marriage that our finances are viewed as separate. This is because my OH has a spousal maintenance clause in his divorce finances. When you marry your finances are viewed as joint, ours in the eyes of the law are viewed as separate. The EW is going to get quite a shock when she realises she’s not getting a penny of my hard earned cash!

We had some of this - working part time despite child being at school and wondering why she didn’t have more disposable income. Maintenance is over £1,000 a month but the demands for more still come. Her own sister has told her she needs to work out her finances ahead of the end of maintenance payments (when DSD is 18) as her family recognise she spends everything she gets (several foreign holidays a year, expensive furniture, new tech).

She moaned to DH recently about only having one income and he said “You haven’t. You’ve got £14,000 a year NET, too” (from him)!

No. But be aware that as she probably gets tax credits as a lone parent working 16 hours it probably won't improve her financial situation if she works more hours.