Partners over reaction to behaviour of my children

[Hayleyb33]

I need some advice please.
My partner and I have been together for just over a year and we’ve recently moved in with him (we have been friends for years and he has known my children since they were born) I have a 3 & 5 year old.
Both the kids adore him as do I. My partner doesn’t seem to realise what ‘normal’ young children’s behaviour is. For example he has picked both of them up from the childminders this week so I can work a bit later. Yesterday I walked in and the youngest told me she’d been naughty at the childminders and wouldn’t put her shoes or coat on. Spoke to my partner and he was really cross about it saying she’d kicked the childminders and was horrible to her. Spoke to childminder and she said it was just kids being kids, they’d been at the park all day, youngest was tired and grumpy. I still made little one apologise this morning and drew the childminder a picture.
Got back from work today and now the oldest has played up! He’d asked for a sandwich just before collection time so childminder had said no because your tea might be ready when you get home, he had a tantrum. Childminder mentioned it to my partner who has totally over reacted. Once again phoned childminder tonight to check she wasn’t upset with my oldest behaviour and she laughed saying he was just being now kids do, they’d been at soft play all day and were knackered. She’s said she won’t mention the kids behaviour in future to my partner. He reckons my children don’t know how to behave, making it sound like there the worst children in the world. He said they lie, he reckons my oldest is sneaky.
But to me they behave normally for their age. 3 yr old can be a madam and pushes boundary’s but surely that’s what all 3 yr olds do? 5 yr old pushes as well. I’m not a pushover, I’m not blind to their behaviour and I do discipline, naughty step, losing treats etc... And I’m consistent with it for both. But according to my partner the kids aren’t ‘getting’ it! All I can respond with is their 5 and 3, their behaviour is normal.
I’m really at my wits end with it, I feel like piggy in the middle, we’ve had another argument about it tonight.
My childminder with 30plus years experience and me there mother who has been with them every day since they were born doing it on my own for the most part, apparently don’t know what we’re on about!
I love him to bits and the kids do, he’s a good step-dad as Regards playing with them, cooking with them trying to be a family. I just so worried his attitude will have an affect on the kids overtime. I grew up with a step-dad who constantly belittled me, he’d smack us red raw for the slightest thing and we were ‘good’ children bought up in a religiously oppressed house we wouldn’t dare put a foot wrong! And my mum never stood up for us. I mention this as to this day I resent my mum for allowing it and I don’t want my kids feeling the same. Don’t get me wrong my partner would never lay a finger on my 2. But at the same time I don’t want them growing up constantly being told there ‘naughty’ and made to feel there not good enough.

Sorry I’m really rambling but desperately need some good advice. I just can’t see a way of getting through to him, he thinks he’s right, he’s stubborn and now won’t talk it though. We need to discuss it as this isn’t the first time it’s come up. I suppose if he’s adamant that my children are for some reason abnormally naughty then we’ll have to call it a day

This sounds so unfair on your children, and stressful for all of you.

Would he be open to reagin parenting books, maybe even attending a parenting course? If not, I don't see what can be done (sorry).

I can’t see how this is going to work out. 3 and 5 is still very young. I don’t think you should live with this man.

Thanks for the replies, it’s so hard we all love him they love there ‘new’ house and bedroom and they have a step sister (his daughter) who they adore. But I need to put there emotional well being first, I wasn’t sur if I’m over reacting and don’t ‘see’ the bad behaviour but I’ve spoke to other friends and they think my children behave normally

I feel for you, OP. It sounds like a difficult situation. It's definitely a good sign that you're acknowledging this as a problem instead of minimising it. Unfortunately, if your partner doesn't start to listen, you may have to end things for your kids' sake.

It's very early days. You haven't all lived together for very long. You don't say whether or not he has children, I suspect not. It will take time for him to get used to the way children behave. All in all you seem to have got off to a good start. Give it all a chance to shake down. And you're right - best if your childminder and mum don't report their behaviour to him.

Sorry, missed that he has a daughter. Bet she's not perfect!

Oh no she is pretty much perfect in his eyes 🙄 Tbf she is one of the loveliest 14 yr olds you’ll ever meet but I’m sure if I spoke to her mum she’ll of been a madam at times.
I don’t think he remembers what it’s like having young children, also him and his ex were on and off up until 6 yrs ago so he prob didn’t see the behaviour with only having her eow

What is he actually like with your children OP? You don’t really say

I was surprised when you said he has a daughter. I presumed he knew nothing about children. The examples you have given seen really innocuous. Be honest - are your children a bit of a handful in general? If not, then either living together isn't right for you, or the relationship is done for. I couldn't have someone nitpicking over my children, unless they were genuinely out of control, and then he should have an issue with you and not them.

Difficult one indeed. What he needs to realise is that even if indeed, his daughter was perfect, even at this age (my daughter was and always have been), that doesn't mean that every children and are and should be. At that age, they are learning. Some will have more difficulty learning then others. You seem to be disciplining your kids appropriately so indeed, they are in the process of learning. He says they are not getting it, of course not, it doesn't come in a few days, sometimes not even months.

What you need to be aware of is whether he feels the way he does because he is clueless and is genuinely worried about them, in which case, he needs educating on childhood development, or is he expressing frustration because being around your kids is not enjoyable to him and he is just 'accepting' them because he knows he has no choice. If it is the latter, you really need to consider this relationship as it is unlikely it will ever get better. He will always find something to think is not right about your kids. He doesn't have to love them, or even like them, but he has to respect as your children who mean the world to you, and trying to transform them in robots that he can control so his life is as undisturbed by them as possible is not an option.

You know if it's just these issues or of him not accepting their behaviour is happening all the time.

If it's just collection from childminder couldn't be he's forgotten how embarrassing it is when you collect your children and hear they've misbehaved - or witnessing them misbehave for others? Is it possible he wants to prove he's can be a good dad to them and feels a failure when he's the parent present for these tantrums?

Personally I'm a little that the child minder is totally chilled about it. However it may be normal for some children to tantrum because they don't get what they want or refuse to do something they don't want to - I wouldn't say it's normal for 3/5 yo. But certainly some behave that way.

I would think if this is the only issue you have (collection) then a star chart type reward system would work well. Encourage appropriate reactions and your partner gets to award the prize. Build the positive between them.

You don't think it's normal for a 3 year old to tantrum?!?

OP it sounds like you are in danger of replicating the situation with your stepdad. I'd be very concerned.

Did you read the thread, Eurochick?

Well, if in all other respects you're all happy together, then you need to sit him down and explain how children are! I know you say he has a daughter of his own, but how much was he actually involved in her upbringing? Make sure he understands that you appreciate everything he does for you and your DC, but as long as the childminder and you are OK with their behaviour, it's fine! Having said that, don't let them get away with murder!

I had a partner like this. In the end I had to leave. He knocked my DDs confidence so much by telling her she was naughty and bring very quick and over the top with discipline.
She wasn’t naughty, she was top of the class for every subject, kind, polite and if anything a bit quiet.
Watch this carefully

You are in danger of doing exactly what your mother did. He reckons a 5-year-old is 'sneaky'?

'I just can’t see a way of getting through to him, he thinks he’s right, he’s stubborn and now won’t talk it though. We need to discuss it as this isn’t the first time it’s come up. I suppose if he’s adamant that my children are for some reason abnormally naughty then we’ll have to call it a day'

There is nothing further to discuss. He think he's right, he won't engage, you are already flogging a dead horse.

It was way to early to move in with this man or any partner with kids so young.

You have to do the best for your kids and get them away from this man.

I had a partner like this. In the end I had to leave. He knocked my DDs confidence so much by telling her she was naughty and bring very quick and over the top with discipline.

I’ve had a similar experience. The unreasonable expectations got worse and worse as DS1 got older. If you spoke to exP, you’d think DS1 was the most awful teenager ever. But he really isn’t (he’s actually super quiet, well behaved and complaint - his tutors at college say he’s a joy to have in class, the leaders at Beavers where he’s a young leader say he’s great, and so on). The problem is ex’s completely skewed expectations and the horrible way he has treated DS1.

So do discuss it, but you will need to work out whether this is an irreconcilable difference. If so, you need to walk away for your children’s sake.

In hindsight, I should have left ex when I was pregnant.

You should never ever have to be stuck between this man and your kids. That is the big mistake.

You should all be one or not at all. There is no inbetween.

Consider being together but living apart

When my DP and his DC came into my life I didn't really have much experience with children and what behaviour is actually 'just how children are' vs what behaviour is unacceptable. If you haven't been around children since they are small, it takes a bit of learning to get to know what can be expected from them as they get older.

However, my response to not knowing is to look to my DP for guidance, and to only step in with discipline when he's not there and when I'm confident of what he would do if he were there. At worst, it sounds like he's being too harsh on your children and risking making them feel anxious or unhappy, and at best it's a difference in parenting style which can cause conflict and unhappiness down the line. If he won't even countenance discussing it, I'd say you should seriously consider what you want his role to be in their lives and yours.

However, my response to not knowing is to look to my DP for guidance

I think this is actually quite a good gauge for determining whether he’s suitable as a partner. There’s nothing wrong with being unknowledgable about what is ‘normal’ behaviour in children of particular ages. It becomes a problem when the inexperienced partner is rigid in their thinking and unwilling to learn about it.

That was the ultimate issue with my ex. He just completely refused to accept that he didn’t actually know what to expect, or that his expectations were unreasonable. And his strategy was to imply that I was a bad mother and failing DS1 for not reacting the way he thought I should.

Even now, he seems to be utterly incapable of understanding that you cannot force a 17 year old to do whatever you want. It just doesn’t work. You have to approach things differently. (We’re not talking about awful things here, either; this will be about whether DS1 hangs his coat up or something like that).

Ex seems to think that a teenager having a slight floordrobe is the worst thing that could possibly happen. I often found myself wishing I could take him on a guided tour of teenagers’ bedrooms so he could appreciate how clean DS1’s is. But it wouldn’t have made any difference because the real issue wasn’t anything DS did or did not do; it was that ex had no respect for me and was completely rigid in thinking he was completely right. He just cannot envisage that any way other than his way is not necessarily ‘wrong’.

Unimaginative I've never heard 'floordrobe' before and I love it.

Also agreed that this is about respect- his respecting you as the children's parent and as his partner.

You moved this relationship far too quickly you only been together a year! No wonder there’s problems. They sound like typical kids.

In hindsight, I should have left ex when I was pregnant

This is exactly how I feel about my ex.
We moved in together too quickly too, in hindsight it was clearly a receipt for disaster.
If it continues I would live separately and start again with him. It sounds very rushed and please don’t take this personally but the “my kids adore him” stuff is likely tripe and wishful thinking.
My DD was 3 and I thought she adored my ex but when we eventually split I saw all the damage he’d done. I also saw her adoring behaviour was actually her being desperate to please him and have him love her. I see now that he wasn’t worthy of her love.

I’d separate out any childminding and dealing with your kids from your DP. He might feel he’s in the father role already, he’s not, it takes years to get to know and understand.

However if you see it as a project, then starting off the right way might help. Keep contact minimal, but maybe take him with the kids to a soft play or organized activity with the kids. He’ll see other kids and start to learn the normal ranges. He’s missed out on learning.

I think sadly it is somewhat natural for the 'faults' of other people's children to be more annoying than (and seem worse than) the 'faults' in your own.

As an early days step-parent who had no experience with children, I thought my 4yo DSS's behaviour was pretty shoddy at times and that it was very bad that he sometimes told porkies or acted selfishly or unkindly.

However, after a few weeks or months of struggling (mostly silently) with this, it clicked that he was in fact very well behaved for a child of his age. I was judging him against adult standards because that was all I knew.

The thing that helped me realise that was mumsnet!

After that 'click' moment things were much better for me. I made sure to always take the opportunity to praise DSS's good behaviour, once I realised how good he often was for someone his age, and that meant that the fairly rare occasions he did do things I felt weren't really OK I could bring it up with DP with a clear conscience.

So in summary, I think your DP' s feelings right now may be normal... The issue is how he deals with it with the children and how he is able to move on from it and put things into perspective.