Partners over reaction to behaviour of my children

[Hayleyb33]

I need some advice please.
My partner and I have been together for just over a year and we’ve recently moved in with him (we have been friends for years and he has known my children since they were born) I have a 3 & 5 year old.
Both the kids adore him as do I. My partner doesn’t seem to realise what ‘normal’ young children’s behaviour is. For example he has picked both of them up from the childminders this week so I can work a bit later. Yesterday I walked in and the youngest told me she’d been naughty at the childminders and wouldn’t put her shoes or coat on. Spoke to my partner and he was really cross about it saying she’d kicked the childminders and was horrible to her. Spoke to childminder and she said it was just kids being kids, they’d been at the park all day, youngest was tired and grumpy. I still made little one apologise this morning and drew the childminder a picture.
Got back from work today and now the oldest has played up! He’d asked for a sandwich just before collection time so childminder had said no because your tea might be ready when you get home, he had a tantrum. Childminder mentioned it to my partner who has totally over reacted. Once again phoned childminder tonight to check she wasn’t upset with my oldest behaviour and she laughed saying he was just being now kids do, they’d been at soft play all day and were knackered. She’s said she won’t mention the kids behaviour in future to my partner. He reckons my children don’t know how to behave, making it sound like there the worst children in the world. He said they lie, he reckons my oldest is sneaky.
But to me they behave normally for their age. 3 yr old can be a madam and pushes boundary’s but surely that’s what all 3 yr olds do? 5 yr old pushes as well. I’m not a pushover, I’m not blind to their behaviour and I do discipline, naughty step, losing treats etc... And I’m consistent with it for both. But according to my partner the kids aren’t ‘getting’ it! All I can respond with is their 5 and 3, their behaviour is normal.
I’m really at my wits end with it, I feel like piggy in the middle, we’ve had another argument about it tonight.
My childminder with 30plus years experience and me there mother who has been with them every day since they were born doing it on my own for the most part, apparently don’t know what we’re on about!
I love him to bits and the kids do, he’s a good step-dad as Regards playing with them, cooking with them trying to be a family. I just so worried his attitude will have an affect on the kids overtime. I grew up with a step-dad who constantly belittled me, he’d smack us red raw for the slightest thing and we were ‘good’ children bought up in a religiously oppressed house we wouldn’t dare put a foot wrong! And my mum never stood up for us. I mention this as to this day I resent my mum for allowing it and I don’t want my kids feeling the same. Don’t get me wrong my partner would never lay a finger on my 2. But at the same time I don’t want them growing up constantly being told there ‘naughty’ and made to feel there not good enough.

Sorry I’m really rambling but desperately need some good advice. I just can’t see a way of getting through to him, he thinks he’s right, he’s stubborn and now won’t talk it though. We need to discuss it as this isn’t the first time it’s come up. I suppose if he’s adamant that my children are for some reason abnormally naughty then we’ll have to call it a day

We haven’t had much chance to have a proper chat today as his daughters stopping with us now. But we’ve texted a few times and I made it clear that we don’t have a future if he continues to over react to what is normal child like behaviour.
He’s given me a massive hug, apologised and said he’ll try harder. I was quite taken a back as he can be quite stubborn and rarely apologises so I know he means it.
On the whole he is very good with the kids, they do adore and look up to him. He works hard (as do I) for us as a family and is all round a good egg.. I think maybe he’s forgotten what young children are like, and he only has 1 child so that’s completely different to raising 2 !
This is something that I will stay on top off and keep an eye on.
People may comment they think we’ve moved in to soon but back to my original post we have known each other for a long time as friends, he’s known both my children since they were born and I’ve known his daughter since she was 7. I don’t really want judging on that as it was my decision and I do put my children first. Thank you for everyone’s good advice seems to be something to work on as a family.

Good luck, OP!
It is a massive step that you’ve even acknowledged that it’s an issue and raised it with him, so well done.

Knowing someone in a friend capacity and in a relationship is entirely different. You have moved fast and this is why you have the problems you have.

I think it's just hard the whole step thing. And the playing field can never really be level.

We have 2 kids each. Mine are 100% with us, no father involved any more. His are with us 50%. Mother is a PIA à fair amount of the time.

His kids are much easier and quieter than mine who are not naughty but full of attitude and feminists of the future. Mine are academically able his are very dyslexic. One of mine is v sporty, but all are proving good at various sports. His have had a late start as never been given opportunities before. So while we try and have a level field the players are not the same.

His stock answer is no (with the view it's easier to try for yes but not to disappoint), mine is yes if we can but probably not today.

I think all you can do is ask that he wouldn't treat your kids differently to his. That discipline falls to you if you are there. Family meetings are massively helpful as soon as age allows. But everyone is equal in these meetings and no punishment for what is said.

Being a step parent is mostly a bit thankless to be honest. You have all the responsibility and shit work but no rights to discipline. If you have a good partner you have the right to an opinion.

I'm the parent that they all come to with issues and problems. Then I talk to their Dad/DP and we work from there. His eldest DD is now 12 and he's had an easy ride up to now IMO.

I don't feel the love for his kids that I feel for mine and vise versa. But we are a unit all 6 of us and they all know we all have their backs. I think that is the really important value for us. They protect each other at school etc.

One thing that strikes me: both incidents involve a third party: the childminder.
Is it possible that as he doesn’t know her as well as you do, he misinterpreted a good humoured rolly eyed report from her as a report of serious behaviour issues?
Or
Does he have particular sensitivity around embarrassment or being ‘shown up’? My Mum was lovely: tolerant and kind. But she always cringed if we were rude in front of anyone else and we would get the ‘I am so ashamed of you’ hissed whisper. But it was about her insecurity as a parent more than our behaviour.

TBH I don't know why the childminder mentioned minor tantrums. I hope she has taken on board not to make a big deal of childish behaviour in future.

To be honest I don't think other people should be modify their behaviour so as not to set him off. He needs to learn to deal with it.

As others have said being a step parent is hard. Being a parent is hard, but loving your children makes it easier, you don't get that being a step parent.

My dh and I moved in together 8 years ago, with my 8 year old and 12 year old and his 8 year old. Even though he was a parent to a same age child, he struggled.

His DS had some learning difficulties, was emotionally withdrawn, eager to please and had never had a temper tantrum or said no to anything. He thought that was normal and it was my kids that were unruly, naughty and ill disciplined. It was very hard at first, but we managed. He was horrified when my DS was a teenager and behaving in a fairly foul and normal way, now his DS is 15 and has come out of his shell and being quite foul he accepts that my DS was not that bad after all.

He has a good relationship with my kids and overall is a good stepfather.

Living together as a blended family has its challenges, you just need to find the right way for your family. Just remind him that their behaviour is normal. I think the idea of putting him in a situation where he sees lots of similar age kids together he will see how others behave and what is expected, is a good idea.