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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

So ashamed but i don’t want step son here

29 replies

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 10:33

Disclaimer- I love my 2 step kids. However, this has been a hard week. DH and his ex finally got to their financial separation after 2 years of her dragging her feet. No joke, they were fighting over NOTHING. No property, no savings, no shared pensions. Zilch. In order to get it, we had to agree to pay the rest of their shared debt to which she claims was never hers. (Joint and severally liable loans) We have already paid at least £6k and the tight wad has paid nothing. You should have seen her smug ‘haha’ face in court when DH told her he would pay the final £1400 if she would just sign. She still wanted a random £3k and spousal maintenance (DH earns £26k) but the judge said no way. She has since sent gloaty texts saying ‘you rolled over re the debts finally’ ‘I will pursue u for the rest’

I just can’t face seeing DSS this weekend yapping on about mummy and how kind she is,knowing how abusive she is to us. She will send 15 texts in a row and call over and over, even if it’s midnight. Just the other week, she announced at 10.30pm that DSS had a Saturday all day rehearsal for his play on our weekend (we live 100 miles away) She ranted for 15 minutes re what we were going to do, was he going? DH said he would call the school the next day as he only had three lines. By 7.30AM, the next day, she was on the phone ranting and texting. What was happening? She needed to know NOW? It’s making me ill.

Sorry for long post but as the SM I feel I have no right of reply. Think I will go to my mum this weekend as DSS is here.

OP posts:

Spartacunt · 16/03/2018 10:38

You know this, but you are punishing your DSS and your partner if you do this. Much better to give him a great weekend for him to go back and tell his mum all about - which no doubt will fuck her right off.

Ember12 · 16/03/2018 10:40

Yes go to your mums.. its not the poor boys fault you have problems with his mother.

Original poster

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 10:42

You’re right. When we drop them home, I never offer a hug in front of her but 9/10 they both give me a hug (he has an older daughter too but we are being sacked off for her boyfriend ) DH says if looks could kill I would have died 100 deaths by now!

OP posts:

Grimmfebruary · 16/03/2018 10:42

I tend to agree more with Spartacunt - do you not think she’ll believe she’s won if your stepchildren go home and tell her you weren’t there?
Bake something, have a huge picky tea with a film as a family. Go somewhere nice on sunday and save your energy for killing her with kindness.

PaperdollCartoon · 16/03/2018 10:44

How is he your husband if they’re only just at financial separation?

pompomcat · 16/03/2018 10:46

@JustMarriedAndLovingIt that sounds really hard, the EXW sounds awful.

It is easier said than done but don't let her ruin your weekend-I dread spending time with certain people and project ahead ("Oh it'll be awful cos they'll say I'm fat/criticise me for X or Y", based on past behaviour) but it's rarely as bad as in your head ("Oh DSS will go on and on about how kind she is", when it's likely he'll be more interested in what's on TV/playing/doing activities with you and his Dad). If he does listen and then gently but firmly distract him and change the subject and enjoy your weekend.

pompomcat · 16/03/2018 10:48

If the ex kicks off then turn the ringer off on your phone and don't reply to texts (your DH could send a generic one at intervals stating that DSS is safe and well but that's it?!)

Original poster

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 10:53

@PaperdollCartoon You can sort out finances after the decree absolute. He would have done it at the time but she was dragging her heels so much that he thought best to be divorced than nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 10:57

Do any other step parents find it hard not having a right of reply. As in, she says vile things about me but I can’t say anything because I want to look like the grownup. She shows all her texts to the kids and goes on speakerphone. Plus she says mean things about me to DH (calls me a gnome and sings, ‘hi ho, hi ho’) and I can’t confront her.

OP posts:

tigerrun · 16/03/2018 11:02

Were you the OW, is that why she is behaving that way?

It isn't the child's fault but if you feel you can't be nice then being absent is better. I would say having a lovely weekend with lots of fun which the child goes bouncing back smiling about would be harder for her than you not being there though.

How old are the kids? Once they reach 18 this will be over, maybe hold onto that!?

sandgrown · 16/03/2018 11:05

Though it's really difficult try and keep a dignified silence. She sounds very jealous of you. She will eventually get fed up if she gets nowhere. My DSS was fed loads of rubbish by his mother which gave him problems with anxiety. Now as an adult he realises how bad she was and how many lies she told !

Fishface77 · 16/03/2018 11:09

I suggest if she’s harassing you by calling you till midnight and 15 times in a row you get the solicitors to write her a letter telling her to stop and if she doesn’t, go to the police for harassment advice.
Just because she’s their mum it doesn’t give her the right to behave like that.

TroubledLichen · 16/03/2018 11:11

Awful as she may be, she’s his mum and if you sink to her level you’ll only lose. Don’t punish your DSS, go the other way and do something really nice together instead. Fingers crossed this won’t last, hopefully she’ll start seeing someone soon and that will take up most of her energy. Or when DSS gets older he’ll communicate directly with you to arrange contact and mum will call/text him herself rather than you to check in so there will be less need for you and your DH to speak to her.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/03/2018 11:22

My DHs ex is narcicisst psycho. When it became apparent she really is crazy I found the need not to talk about it around SD hard. Her mother was happily slagging me off and making stuff up to SD (even though she never met me) and I felt I couldn't even defend myself without pointing out what a psycho she was..DH was the one to tell me what was said as SD confided in him..

Difficult time...eventually after another psycho stunt with ex and SD involvement when SD was 15 I just lost the will to pretend her mother was normal. Told her I don't want that womens presence in my house and to have a relationship with her mother outside of us.. We don't want to know the bullshit she comes up with. Sd was old enough not to bring it to us. After some adjustment period it worked. Had to be reapeted to SD few times. She is almost 18now and has a very limited contact with her DM. Turned out her DM is as much of a psycho towards SD as towards us and when SD stopped being her tool to cause us grief she turned against her.

Original poster

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 11:53

No I wasn’t the other woman to answer that poster’s question. I know I can’t sink to her level, I am just feeling very sorry for myself and paying her debt is so annoying. We have done it to protect DH’s credit record but have also protected hers! Need to breathe and move past this as DSS is gorgeous and DH’s mini-me.

OP posts:

sothisisnew · 16/03/2018 12:03

Just a message of sympathy and solidarity, OP! She sounds dreadful. It's very hard when it feels like your DP's ex has complete carte blanche to treat you however she likes forever, while you are expected to be nothing less than respectful and considerate.

In the trickier moments, I try to concentrate on why it has to be that way: for the DC. On a pettier level, it also helps to think about how sad it is that she is obviously finding it hard to move on even now, whereas you and your DP have done so. She has control as long as you keep giving it to her- just absorb everything she does and she will lose steam eventually, especially now the finances are finally over! I'm envious!

Original poster

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 16/03/2018 12:09

I wish I had found this board earlier. Step parents seem to be universally despised on Mumsnet....apart from here I think a lot of it is definitely jealously. In the three years since we got together, she has had at least 5 boyfriends that we know of. Most have cheated and one got someone pregnant! I know she is jealous of our happiness and it enrages her even though we don’t flaunt it.

OP posts:

TwoDots · 16/03/2018 12:16

I can relate to the debt thing. We are paying my partners and his ex's joint debt alone. We are financially so much worse off than her without the debt. It pains me that our lifestyle suffers for their lavish one when together. You have my sympathy

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/03/2018 12:18

I agree with the smother the DSS with kindness because it's not their fault and if they report back it will wind her up and be your way of "replying ". She is shooting herself in the foot of she keeps involving the kids in thus type of nonsense because as they grow up they will just ignore HR silliness

LetsGoBitches · 16/03/2018 12:21

I agree with @fishface you have rights!

NorthernSpirit · 16/03/2018 12:36

Don’t give this woman any space in your head, she doesn’t deserve it. By responding to her you are fuelling her fire - do not respond to her constant messaging. Only communicate on child related matters and do so in a formal, business like way. She is looking for a rise and the contact is a control mechanism in her part.

Don’t punish the step kids by stopping contact - contact is for them, not her (and by stopping it, she knows she’s upset you and in a way has won).

My OH’s EW is bat shit crazy. I don’t communicate with her, nor do I give her any time or space in my head (she doesn’t deserve it). I’m always polite to the children about her (the same can’t be said about her and how she talks about me - and I wasn’t the OW, my OH had been divorced for 5 years when I met him and i’ve Never met her)!

But you know what? It makes me the better person and I would never stoop to her (low) level. Keep your dignity - that will piss her off even more!

(she lied throughout the divorce finances court hearing, wanted a new car, lump sum, spousal maintenance, my OH to pay her mortgage for 11 years.....). She didn’t get any of it.

NorthernSpirit · 16/03/2018 12:38

Ignore that last paragraph!

orangesandlemonssing · 16/03/2018 13:06

When the kids get older they will remember you being calm and lovely and her ranting. When it gets tough remember you're in for the long game! And the financial stuff is done now ! Celebrate that!

CurlyRover · 16/03/2018 13:12

Gosh she sounds bloody awful! I agree with PP though that you should give them an amazing weekend so they can go back and tell her. Don't hold back on hugs or showing your love towards them. It's so hard and I totally get where you're coming from. I find it so difficult seeing DSD after her Mum has gone batshit crazy but at the end of the day it's not the DSC's fault how their mum is acting.

To the poster who mentioned how is he your husband if he's only just gotten financial separation - it doesn't have to occur at divorce but if any party marries before the financial separation they waive their right to any claim over the other person. DP didn't get his financial separation until about 4 years after the divorce as at the time he was flat broke and couldn't afford it and his ex refused to sign at that point anyway.

SandyY2K · 16/03/2018 13:38

So don't the kids see how nasty she is to you, if she shows them all her messages?

Does she say anything directly to your face? Because if so I'd find that hard to ignore.

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