Am I in the wrong?

[HG63]

I am 4 weeks post csection, with my 2nd baby. Since I had Ds2 we have ended up having DSD for the last 4 weekends in a row, when the usual arrangement is EOW. As I've had a csection I've been unable to drive and have been housebound alone Monday-Fridays with DS1 (2 years) and 4 week old DS2, DH had to go straight back to work due to being self employed. He works very early till late in the evening so spends about 2 hours with us a day before going to bed.

He decided last weekend that he was taking DSD out by herself for the whole of Sunday (when I had spent the whole Saturday in hospital due to postnatal complications) and left me at home with the boys. This has really upset me as I am stuck in all week, we aren't within walking distance to anything so I can't even go anywhere but for a walk round the estate and he decides that the only day where he could of taken me and the boys out as well to exclude us.

I may be being unfair, but I did have a huge tantrum about this (blaming hormones for that) and he basically said I was being ridiculous and to get over it. Now he has arranged for us to have DSD again this weekend, and I feel ready to explode.

What are people's opinions on this? I feel it's unfair on me but also on my 2 year old who has also been housebound the last 4 weeks, he would of enjoyed a day out at soft play or anywhere really.

No Yanbu. However your dh may also.be trying to spend quality time with.dsd so.she doesn't feel pushed out by ds2. However, he should spend time bonding with the whole family; dsd included.
Do you have close friends or family nearby who could take you out during the week?

Not sure how old your DSD is...but it would have been nice if he took DS1 out with them.

I know you might think this is an issue just relating to step children, but my Dsis said her DH tried to do this...to take their eldest DC out leaving her with the younger one and new baby. She told him to take the both of them...or leave the eldest who would be more helpful to her.

...he wanted to take the easiest DC as the younger one would be harder work.

Congratulations on your new baby boy.

That's for replying unfortunately I don't have anyone else who can take me out in the week and it is horrible having to just rely on him to get out and about. Im more upset that he can't see why I'm upset if that makes sense

DSD is 6

That's really shit. Similar happened to me when I had a c section with my second.

You need support and an extra pair of hands. Not another young child added to the mix unnecessarily and to be left high and dry with two tinies for a whole week.

It's a recipe for PND. Please take care of yourself.

Congratulations on your new baby. You are not being unreasonable in the least and your husband is being completely unreasonable.

At the very least he should have taken out the 2 year old and your dsd. If dsd was your child, there isn't a mother in the world who would have been happy for him go off with the older easier child, leaving you to mind the toddler and the newborn.

What he should have done is said to his dd "HG is just after having an operation and the baby so we are going to help her today by sticking around and minding the baby. When baby naps, I'll take you and your brother out for lunch/tea as a treat"

and he basically said I was being ridiculous and to get over it

I actually felt violent reading his response. I'd like to see him mind a toddler and a newborn after his fucking gut was cut open and stitched up again. Can you tell I've had a couple of c-sections?

Sit him down. Tell him you will not put up with him opting out of family life and using his daughter as an excuse. he is all in with her and her brothers or not. If he still tells you that you are ridiculous then tell him that you and newborn are going to your mothers/sisters/friends/hotel for the weekend and good luck to him with dsd and the 2 year old.

I'm actually quite angry on your behalf.

Why has the arrangements gone from EOW to every weekend? Is it so that DSD doesn't feel left out? It's all well and good wanting to make her fit in but like you have mentioned, what about the second youngest? All siblings may feel left out not just step siblings. When DS2 was first born what was everything like then?

I think it good that DSD is staying as it will make her feel part of the family but it is not good that he is taking her out on her own while your baby is only 2 weeks old and you have had a c-section. He should be helping you out and giving you a break at the very least and you should be spending time as a family now.

I think he is being a bit insensitive of you.

YANBU. At all.

Like others said, the least he could have done was to take DSD and DS1 out. I would be pretty pissed off with this too

Wow all of these responses are making me feel so much better, I really did think maybe I was being really unfair. I've tried to explain to him how hard it is being in 24/7 with two young demanding children, he says he goes to work all week and it's his time to relax at the weekends. I like the suggestion of saying I will go and stay at a family members, I would get more help there and it would be less stressful. I think the combination of c section, 2 young boys, DSD more than usual and trying to establish breast feeding is all getting a bit too much for me.

To reply to comment about why we have had DSD more, it is because the 2 weekends we shouldn't of had her, her mum rung on the Friday saying she was going out and alternative was for DSD to stay with her nan (mums side) which she did not want to do so DH agreed to pick her up from school on the Friday and drop her back to school on the Monday. As this has happened twice I think he should of put his foot down and said no the second weekend it happened.

Yanbu, He sounds really thoughtless.

Really insensitive of the ex to even ask at this time.

She's obviously had at least one child. She knows what it's like.

I'm very pissed off on your behalf and feeling all the injustices all over again from when almost exactly this happened to me!

You should be being cherished and looked after. Go to your family and get some proper support. Your DH can keep facilitating his ex's nights out if that's where his priorities lie.

I've tried to explain to him how hard it is being in 24/7 with two young demanding children, he says he goes to work all week and it's his time to relax at the weekends.

I'm feeling violent again now :) He knows. He knows damn well that minding a toddler and a newborn all week stuck in a house with a c-section scar while breastfeeding is a hundred times harder than whatever he does. Don't put up with it. Tell him you've been minding 2 small children non-stop all week and it is YOUR turn to relax now.

I wouldn't mind about dsd being there at all. It is his reaction to what you are doing day in day out which would piss me off. He loves you. Doesn't he want to make these few weeks easier for you? Or is it only about himself. Selfish fuck if so.

If you go to your mums, leave the toddler with him. Tell your toddler this is special lovely time for him and dad because you and baby are a bit boring at the moment.

Really insensitive of the ex to even ask at this time.

She's obviously had at least one child. She knows what it's like.

Yeah but she isn't married to the OP. She isn't in love with her. They aren't her children. And her ex - OP's current - also knows what it is like and has at least one child. I don't blame the ex- the little girl coming makes no difference, might even help in entertaining the 2 year old. As long as their father is stepping up. he isn't.

and finally ... if you have 3 children under 6, there is no "my time to relax at weekends". There is one lie-in and an hour or so off if you are lucky.

I don't mind DSD coming, I do mind enabling the exes nights out if it results in my DH having less time to help me out as he does tend to spend all the time doting on DSD which is understandable as he only usually has EOW but at this current moment none of this is helpful in any way to me and I can't help feeling resentful that this weekend she is coming again and will result in the same thing happening again.

I'm trying not to make it into a 'us and them' situation but DH says I'm acting jealous and he should be able to spend time alone with DSD, as a side note in the whole time since my first son he has never once taken her out alone without my son so not sure why it's suddenly an issue now :(

I couldnt put up with that, he sounds like he completely lacks empathy.

Aaaaaaagh! Fuming on your behalf.
I second what @SandyY2K says.
When my dd was born ds1 was already 9. Exh got very adept at taking him for great days out to give me a 'break', ie yet another day at home with ds2 who was 3 & a newborn!!! Let's just say he's an ex for a reason!
Your dp is being a d@@k (pardon my French) - anyone who tells a 4wk post op new mum that she's ridiculous & jealous needs a good kick up the arse. And in truth his ex sounds no better.
I would really consider going to a family member if you can in order to get some rest & support. Show him you mean business & leave him to it.

OP ...I agree you should go and stay with family. Leave him to it.

@Magda72 Crazy aren't they. Dsis wasn't having any of it and she had a C section too.

It's just shirking and trying to skive.

as a side note in the whole time since my first son he has never once taken her out alone without my son so not sure why it's suddenly an issue now

It's escaping from the hard work. He could easily have taken your DS1 out with him.

Can you get a cab into town during the week?

I have to say...what your DH said about being tired and needing to rest after work resonates with me.

When my DD was a baby...I asked that he let me have a lie in on one day of the weekend...he said some nonsense about needing his rest after a whole working week.

If I knew about MN back then ....I'm sure I would have been told to LTB.
With the lack of help...I actually packed up and went to stay with my folks for a month. He then complained that he was missing DD...to which I responded that I needed my rest to function properly and my DM and DF were happy to wake up in the night to feed DD unlike him.

Sorry that was longer than intended.

but DH says I'm acting jealous and he should be able to spend time alone with DSD

She is 6. What is MORE important is that YOU should be able to spend time alone with your newborn.

Tell him to fuck off and then fuck off again. Then tell him to fuck off some more.

Then tell him you are making notes and will remember how he behaved these few weeks.

Then tell him that he is acting jealous and you want time alone with your newborn.

Then tell him he is a selfish fucker some more.

Honestly, he is wanting the easier weekend. I wonder did he tell his ex he was happy to take DSD?

I would be incandescent if I were you.

I'd tell him to use some common sense and help you out more.
If he lets you works yourself up healing and managing kids without help you are going do yourself damage and end up back in hospital. How is he going to cope with three kids on his own because he caused you to get admitted.
You need to make sure he doesn't volunteer for another weekend with DSD, it's nice she's being reminded she's welcome and not being replaced but you need attention.

There's no meed need to be housebound. The six week driving rule is an urban myth. Check your insurance company's webpage for confirmation.

HTH

Unfortunately I have had several complications to the surgery so I definitely am not able to drive currently I had only expected it to be about 3 weeks and then be back on the road :(

Surely there's more to it? Mum had to go away for a very good reason rather than just going out and having fun? Surely he took his daughter for the whole day on the Sunday because it was a special occasion or because she had an event to attend?

Otherwise I would think he is trying to tell you something by his actions.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that they are having some one to one time especially given the new arrival of a sibling she doesn’t live with. By including the 2 year old the dsd not getting the quality time with her df is she. Could you all go out together on the Saturday? I think it’s unfair that your dh won’t take leave to help out surely he could have budgeted for it so enable him to do this especially after having a c section. Do you have family support op?

Well, of the three of you, your DH, his EX and yourself, you are getting the least out of this triangle....not to mention your 2 little ones! Your DH sounds like an insensitive, unsupportive, controlled (by his EX) oaf!!!
I understand that maybe his DD is feeling a little overwhelmed by now having 2 half siblings to share her daddy with, but to leave his elder DS out of all outings is just mean, especially as he took them out together before. And to be calling you jealous, is just offloading his responsibility....and maybe his guilt.
We all know divorced fathers (especially of daughters) tend to DisneyDad their first kids, but this is to the real detriment of you and your sons, and at a difficult time, which is bloody unfair! If he refuses to have a sensible and calm conversation with you about this, then you need to question his commitment to you, and when you get back behind the wheel, go out with your 2 when his DD comes for the weekend, at least for one day, but make a fuss of her when you are with her!
In the meantime, do you have relatives, friends who could pick you up for a day out?