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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you expect anything from your step children on mother’s day?

69 replies

Timetochange72 · 10/03/2018 19:58

Hi, just wonder what you feel about this, I don’t really expect anything from my dsds, they have their own Mum and I have my own dcs, but as they live with us 50% of the time and I do the washing, the running about etc etc it would be nice if I was acknowledged somehow, even just ‘happy mothers day’ in passing would be nice or is that just naive of me? I didn’t have a great mother’s day last year, my dps mum was rude to me, my dad had died a few months before so I was feeling sensitive anyway and then when dsds came back home they were really moody and stroppy 😤

OP posts:

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Oblomov18 · 11/03/2018 14:20

I've sent my step dad a birthday card. For years. Saddened to read that most people here don't even get a verbal 'thank you'.

Ikeatears · 11/03/2018 14:26

I usually get a card from dsd and some chocolates or something. I think she's bringing them in the week as she's working. More touching is the lovely message she always tags me in on Facebook. I love that she's shares with all our family and friends what a good relationship we have. She's an adult now but as a child, her mum always helped her to choose and buy a card and a small present and we would do the same for her mum. We're all very lucky.

Mywifenow · 11/03/2018 14:35

I don't get anything from 2 adult dsds who have lived with me and thier dad since they were little. They spend the day with their mum (also batshit). They see her about 3 times a year. I always feel bereft to be honest, though eldest did get in last night after midnight wished me happy mothers day with a hug and a kiss so that was nice.

Jojoanna · 11/03/2018 14:37

I never bought my step mum anything . Never occurred to me when I was young or grown up.

Original poster

Timetochange72 · 11/03/2018 14:47

I encourage my 2 to get a card for my dp but their dad gets the gifts etc. I think thank u would be nice tbh but what can u do xx

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 11/03/2018 15:11

I always got my step mum a card/pressie. My dsd and I don't really use step-mum/step-daughter so I wouldn't expect a card, but she I'm the best person ever yesterday and she's always giving me hugs 🤗

NorthernSpirit · 11/03/2018 15:27

We’ve had the kids here all weekend (the mum has gone away for the weekend with her boyfriend). 2 DSC - 9 & 12.

I’ve run around after them all weekend. Changed the bed after a bed wetting incident, washed pants full of skids (12 year olds). Not even a goodbye as they left.

Thanks don’t expect a card (they have a mum) but a thank you (from them) every now and again would be nice.

Magda72 · 11/03/2018 17:00

Honestly @NorthernSpirit - what the actual f**k!!!!
Does your dp pull them up on this?
I ask as my dp who is generally fantastic re cards, gifts (not just for me but for his kids, my kids, his sisters etc.) NEVER pulls his kids up re their thoughtlessness regarding me!
I certainly wouldn't want or expect a Mother's Day card from them, but not once in 31/2 years have I received a birthday/xmas card or a thank you for anything I have ever given or done for them.
I think that dp is sanctioning this behaviour by not pulling them up on it.

LittleMe03 · 11/03/2018 17:02

We have SS this weekend. No big issues with him, adore the boy!

Wouldn't expect to get anything from him for Mother's Day because I'm not his mother.

Asked him to phone his mum this morning to wish her a happy Mother's Day and he has a card and pressie we picked together yesterday to take home to her when he goes at 6pm

Just posted this in another thread then saw this one and the answer is relevant to both

WashingMatilda · 11/03/2018 17:20

My DP gave me a card this morning just from him to show how much he appreciates what I do for his children and a few little presents. I find if you get the appreciation from your DP and not the step children it's a lot lot easier, kids are notoriously unnapreciative, regardless of if you are their step parent or not.

Usedaname01 · 11/03/2018 17:29

I've never given my step mum anything for mother's day, she's been with my dad for 13 years. I buy her something on her birthday and Christmas, as she does for me. I get on with her well but I just don't see her as a parent and I don't mean to sound rude but mother's day feels like a day specifically for thanking my mum for bringing me up. I did see my step mum today though and I said happy mother's day to her

Usedaname01 · 11/03/2018 17:32

Of course your situation may be different and you may be a bit of parent figure to your step children

NorthernSpirit · 11/03/2018 17:48

@Magda72 - yes, my OH pulls them up on it. But it’s a bit like washing their faces or brushing their teeth - they won’t do it unless reminded or asked.

He went to drop them off earlier and they rang me from the car to say goodbye. I don’t expect anything formal from them but I genuine unprompted thank you at times would be nice.

ElChan03 · 11/03/2018 17:53

I am actually a little in shock but I got a lovely step mum mother's day card which dsd wrote inside thank you for helping me and thank you for looking out for me and it also said I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel unwelcome.
I got emotionally as I've been having a tough time recently here but this was so lovely. She also got me a note book which she said was for my new job.
I would say it was never expected and I don't think it should be expected for any cards or presents. But it's fucking lovely when they decide they want to give a card and present. So lovely.

Magda72 · 11/03/2018 17:57

@NorthernSpirit - with your dp on board & on their case so to speak I'd reckon it will come good in the end . As in it will eventually become apparent to them as they get older that you have always been there for them & what you have done for them.
💐

Follyfoot · 11/03/2018 18:00

In the past when my DSSs lived nearby, I'd always get flowers. Now they're adults and live further away, I dont see them on the day, but both have been in touch, and one sent a message that was so lovely it made me cry. Must be the day for it ElChan!

I genuinely dont expect anything (card/message/present) so it's really touching when they do this

LBOCS2 · 11/03/2018 18:00

I don't expect it but it's lovely when it happens. It's a bit hit or miss but DSS has in the past made me a card at school, and this year gave me a bottle of Baileys and a card saying 'have an AWESOME stepmum day'. I suspect DH asked him if he wanted to get me anything but it was really nice that he chose to. He's 10 now and I've been part of his life since he was 2. He's generally quite lovely though, to be fair.

NorthernSpirit · 11/03/2018 19:12

@Magda72 - thanks for the words, appreciate that. I’ve known them for 3 years and to be fair the youngest isn’t too bad - always wants to help and has great manners. The oldest 12 is a different kettle of fish (I think she’s quite influenced by her mum and her mum and my OH had a pretty messy divorce). Everything is too much trouble for her and i’m lucky if I get a grunt. I rise above it. As you say i’m sure it will come good. My OH is a stickler for manners and does pull them up. I hope one day they won’t need reminding!

SandAndSea · 11/03/2018 19:16

No, I don't expect anything from my DSC. But I do expect something from the cat. Is that wrong?

wizzywig · 11/03/2018 19:18

Im odd then, i buy presents for those who have a caring role for my kids (they have severe sen)

BonApp · 11/03/2018 19:32

I tell my stepmum I appreciate her frequently on other days. Have never got her a mother’s day card as she’s not my mum. Yes she does a lot for us, and yes we love her but she’s not our mother. My dad tried to get us to acknowledge her on mother’s day one year but it felt strange to me, and forced as the suggestion had come from him and not us.

I love her dearly but mother’s day does not feel like the right day to appreciate her, so I make sure I do it in other ways at other times.

WopYa · 11/03/2018 19:34

As expected I got nothing from dss infact he's spent all day in his room and has only surfaced now because his dad has ordered food.

Chewbecca · 11/03/2018 19:40

Nope, I am not their mum, that's fine.

But I have been in their lives for about 18 years now and care deeply for them and can't wait for my first (S)GC this summer.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 11/03/2018 19:45

My daughter's step mum is lovely. She takes really good care of my daughter and I was hoping my ex had bought her something to be from my daughter. He didn't. I was willing to get her a gift and card from my daughter to pass on but she was very resistant and didn't want to 'as I'm her mum'.

We've talked about how much my ex's partner does for her and she see's her step mom's son as a full brother not a step brother.

I wish my ex had got her something.

user1493413286 · 11/03/2018 19:49

It’s never occurred to me that I might get something from my DSD on Mother’s day; it also never occurred to me to give my stepdad a Father’s Day card as to be blunt he’s not my dad but he didn’t bring me up so maybe it’d be different if he did.
I think if I split from my DP I’d feel a little sensitive about my DD giving someone else anything on Mother’s Day as I think it’s hard enough to accept your child having mothering from someone else

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