It’s such an interesting question.
As step mums, particularly if we have full time step kids (as I did), it brings to sharp focus the very tough position we are in.
We are not the child’s actual mothers. However many of us are the main female parental figure, or if not main, a very significant one.
We cook, we are there when they get home from school, we care for them when they are sick, we wash their clothes, we say ‘please clean up the bath after you’ve taken one!’ Their Dads are there. But so are we. Even if we’ve taken a back seat. We share their homes at a crucial time, we help provide if we work, we fix the homes they live in, pay the bills, buy their beds and decorate their rooms.
And yet we don’t get thanked. Or often even acknowledged. We are not expected to be appreciated. We have to instead keep caring, smiling, even if the step child is rude, mean and resentful. We are not allowed to complain.
It’s weird! Can you imagine another role in life where this would be ok?
So I have always got my DS to write a card every year to his step Dad. I am really clear, it’s not at all forcing the idea that he is his father, but just to show that he is aware, he notices and appreciates him. I get him, each year, to say one thing that he appreciates - Last year it was -
Thanks (name) even though you are not my Dad for giving me lifts.
Last year I got a card from one DSD just saying she hoped I had a good day. It really meant a lot.