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Original poster

Step parent responsibilities ?

46 replies

meme70 · 07/03/2018 17:50

What do you think a step parents responsibilities are ?

My husband and I work from home
I do everything in the house
All
Cooking
Cleaning
Gardening
Diy
Decorating
Pay the bills
Buy all the clothes
Pay half the bills

I have at home an 18 and 13 year old home and an 11 year old step child and my husband

My husband says he can’t look after his child when she’s here as he’s too busy he said he can’t cook for her do any of her cleaning wash her clothes etc
He expects me to do it all as I have been made to for 5 years even though I’ve said she is his responsibility and he does nothing for my children so why am I expected to do everything for his child ?

I know she’s my stepdaughter but I pay 1/2 the bills and do all the housework etc

Shouldn’t a father step up and do his responsibilities ?

He used to do more for her and around the house but simply won’t anymore and if I refuse it won’t get done

But lost as to how I can get him to see he’s showing his child he’s not caring about her and what does he feel she thinks about this ?

OP posts:
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Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 07/03/2018 17:52

I think he’s taking you for a mug.

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 17:56

So what can I do to stop it ?

I’ve told him I’m not doing all her care anymore he simply won’t so she gets no meals cooked no clothes brought and washed if I don’t ?

I’m lost as what to do ?

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 07/03/2018 18:03

How often do you have her?

Parky04 · 07/03/2018 18:05

You are all one family. You cannot separate the children between yours and his. He simply must do more for all of his children.

grumpydwarf · 07/03/2018 18:13

I'd stop cooking for him or doing his washing. If he refuses to do anything for anyone else why should you do it for him?? I wouldnt punish your step child I would simply feed and clothe myself and anyone incapable of feeding them selves I.e the 11 and 13 year old. He is more than capable of looking after himself he just doesn't. The next step is separate houses where he can fuck off too and look after himself and his child alone.
What do you get from this living situation? I can clearly see what he gets but don't see the benefit to you.

HeckyPeck · 07/03/2018 18:14

Are you saying he wouldn't feed her if you didn't? That's really awful if so!

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 18:20

I don’t feel I should be made to feel responsible for cooking for his child grumpydrawf I’ve been doing all her cooking since we married he changed after we got married 3.5 years ago he seemed to think as we married he could take the P and as we are married it’s harder for me to say no
I’m soft I rarely say no to anyone
He and her mum wouldn’t buy her clothes as they argued who should so I stepped in for 4/5 years and so that especially all her school uniform.

I am thinking separate houses will be the next logical step but we have money tied up in building a house together at present and that’s all my savings me living alone finacally isn’t easy atm and he knows this.

I don’t see how any parent thinks it’s fair another person does they’re job they refuse to do themselves ?

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 18:23

Mybiysandi
Last year 1/2 the year was all the time as her Mum had some drug and drink problems social services said they are okay now and daughter has to go back there 4 nights a week
We have her 3 days and nites a week but I’m the only one who’s provided all her clothes since 2013 as her parents argued who should clothe he and I couldn’t sit back and allow her to go without

My issue is a father who thinks he doesn’t HAVE to do care for his child and she’s wat hung him neglect her and he yesterday tells me again he will not be doing anything for her I have to.

What can I do I can’t agfirs to live separately
I can’t let the child be neglected
I just want him to see he’s not being right by any of us here in this house?

OP posts:
Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 18:26

Heckypeg

2 weeks ago it was just me him and his daughter I was out for lunch with my friend a rare I occurrence I said I will not be doing dinner tonite as I’ve eaten I said you will have to cook for yourself and your daughter

It was 7pm he didn’t and didn’t intend to make her food so I did as I didn’t want her to go without

If I try out my foot down he raises his voice or make me feel the bad one or just keeps out the way and waits for me to coook

I grew up with a violent alcoholic father who beat my mom daily and I’m not good around anger etc it makes me anxious

OP posts:
TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/03/2018 18:32

In this situation I think the right thing to do is separate. The thing I might do is do stuff for her and absolutely nothing for him. He's a total shit. A terrible parent and a bad partner.

Spottytop1 · 07/03/2018 18:37

If you can move into your own place I would.

This is not healthy for you and her parents need to step up.

We have a similar set up to you in regards to number of children.

My Dh works mostly from home, I work out of Home FT.

My DH does most of the laundry and cooking, we have a cleaner for housework.
I organise the house bills, childcare and trips/holidays etc. I provide all care/running around for my disabled DD, DH does all running around for SD.

I buy clothes etc. for all children BUT SD Mum and my DH buy the majority of clothes and other items for her.

We are a family and we all pay into family items and share family responsibilities ( even if slightly different roles).

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 18:43

I can’t afford to live alone all my saving went into building our house which is just starting now
I don’t earn enough to live alone as self employment earnings are lower than once before he does better at making money on his self employment as he has more time

I know his ex wife and ex fiancé used to kick him out regulary I can see why

Yes he is a man who doesn’t seem to put anyone first expect himself I think I will have to talk to him tonite about this and explain I can’t be expected to do everything for 5 people and no one blinks an eye and thinks they shouldn’t be helping

I’ve say with all the children and explained they should do chores but no one takes any notice of me and he’s menat to be a roll model well he is he’s showing them that one adult doesn’t have to do anything and the other has to do everything

Thankyou

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 07/03/2018 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 18:56

But that’s showing her her dad doesn’t care and that she thinks it’s okay a person can treat they’re child and partner with disrespect ?

I can’t fatham out why he won’t look after her himself but demands I do everything for her ?

He simply says he hasn’t gor time for care for her so I say make time or she comes when you have time ?

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 07/03/2018 19:02

He doesn't do it because he can't be bothered and no amount of talking to him will change that.

I'd stop doing anything for him but continue for the child...

MattBerrysHair · 07/03/2018 19:02

She will see you taking care of her and may eventually in the future be grateful that there was one adult who gave a shit. Seriously though, don't cover up his selfishness in order to protect her. She needs to see what a useless father he is. Let him reap what he sows. Stop doing anything for him and make plans to eventually leave once you feel able to. How can you possibly love and respect a man who treats his own child so badly?

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 19:08

That’s the thing I am angry toward him now and gradually day by day my respect for him has gone

His daughter isn’t the easiest child to be around I’ve done everything for her and spent Los quality time with her but he ignores me if I ask her to just wash up a few things or tidy the throws up on the sofa where she’s sat all evening
She puts across I don’t have the right to parent her. I’d ask her to put her clean clothes away she left on the floor in her bedroom she’ll immedatekybasknhwr dad what should I do with these clothes on my floor he says ahh just leave them there ! So it’s a hard way to be and I don’t feel like they have any respect for me and keep on taking she’s 12 soon and is capable of doing things like washing up making a sandwich etc making her packed lunch but she also sits back and expects me do do everything for her too and I know that’s wrong as well as she woul as she does lots at her mums house for herself she tells us.

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 07/03/2018 19:12

Then your only answer is to split up.

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 19:16

Why do people think everyone should split up
Marriage is a commitment and I’m trying to find a way to make him realise he has to step up and parent her or she will be in a life with multiple women as no one will put up with his behaviour ?

I don’t ageee with splitting up the children have been through splits with they’re parents already I don’t feel it will have any benefit on anyone’s future

I’m positive if more people communicated there wouldn’t be auch a high diviroce rate

Thankyou for all your replies I will have to sit him down and gently explain he has to do his share or we can’t work as a family then the ball is in his court if he knows I’m serious he has 2 choices do what all parents do or be a single dad again

OP posts:
TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/03/2018 19:17

I’d ask her to put her clean clothes away she left on the floor in her bedroom she’ll immedatekybasknhwr dad what should I do with these clothes on my floor he says ahh just leave them there !

Tell me you know how wrong this is! He's teaching the children to treat you as a servant.

If you can't leave, make plans to leave as soon as you can.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/03/2018 19:19

I don't intend to split up with my DH. We work through arguments and problems.

But I'm not married to a lazy, disrespectful, misogynistic wanker. That's what divorce is designed for. Not the multiple women's fault he's an arsehole.

MyBoysAndI · 07/03/2018 19:30

I'm saying split up if he doesn't change after you have spoken to him.

If you don't want to split up then you have to come to terms with doing everything and not moan about it as that is your choice then.

Original poster
meme70 · 07/03/2018 19:34

So I came on here looking for support and you all admit he’s wrong but you then tell me stop moaning and get on with it ?

Well I’m sorry to have bored you all and I won’t come in here again asking for any ideas how to get him to see the errors of his ways

Cheers

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 07/03/2018 19:40

You are looking for a magical way to stop your H being a horrible, lazy cunt. There isn't one. Stropping off when most people are trying to help you won't help.

MyBoysAndI · 07/03/2018 19:45

am thinking separate houses will be the next logical step you're the one who first said about seperate houses and then you say marriage is a commitment

Make your mind up