Step parent responsibilities ?

[meme70]

What do you think a step parents responsibilities are ?

My husband and I work from home
I do everything in the house
All
Cooking
Cleaning
Gardening
Diy
Decorating
Pay the bills
Buy all the clothes
Pay half the bills

I have at home an 18 and 13 year old home and an 11 year old step child and my husband

My husband says he can’t look after his child when she’s here as he’s too busy he said he can’t cook for her do any of her cleaning wash her clothes etc
He expects me to do it all as I have been made to for 5 years even though I’ve said she is his responsibility and he does nothing for my children so why am I expected to do everything for his child ?

I know she’s my stepdaughter but I pay 1/2 the bills and do all the housework etc

Shouldn’t a father step up and do his responsibilities ?

He used to do more for her and around the house but simply won’t anymore and if I refuse it won’t get done

But lost as to how I can get him to see he’s showing his child he’s not caring about her and what does he feel she thinks about this ?

What did you expect? You told us you’ve already spoken to him multiple times and he point blank refuses to listen.

So your choice really is to leave him or put up with his shit.

That might not sound supportive, but it’s the cold, hard truth.

At the end of the day, you can't force another adult to change. Expecting change when he has no motivation to do so is a waste of time. All of the children deserve a father/stepfather who does more. It is shocking/horrifying that he can be so cold to the rest of his family.

I won’t come in here again asking for any ideas how to get him to see the errors of his ways

There aren't ways. He doesn't want to enough. Sometimes people are a little lazy or whatever but care and want to try. Your OH doesn't care and won't do it. He's not even pretending.

So three choices.

Suck it up.
Leave.
Stay and do what you are willing to and either look after his child or watch him not do it. I suppose you could call Social Services and report him for neglect...

If you leave he will have to change or he won't be caring for his child properly. Which says it all really. With you being there he is getting away with so much. I'd be soooo tempted to make him face his responsibilities and walk out.

When my Dad married my step-mum after about a year things went a bit tits up. My dad said he wanted a divorce. My step-mum said fine, but that we would be coming to live with her. And that's exactly what we would have done. There were not other parents in the picture as our mum was dead and DSM was a far better parent than Dad.

If you split up would DSD want to stay with you perchance. If so they'd both owe you child maintenance and at 11 a court would listen to her.

Just a thought.

He’s totally taking the piss.

I live with my OH and have 2 DSC who stay EOW. My OH both work full time. We pay 59% (me), 41% (him of our earnings into a joint account (I earn slightly more than him).

My OH does most of the food shopping, we do half the cleaning each, he puts the bins out (that’s a blue job as far as i’m concerned), I do most of the washing. We do our own ironing. When the kids stay I cook on one night, he does the next night.

This week i’ve had a paddy as one of his kids pants are full of skids and i’ve said he can do the children’s washing until they can wipe their own backsides.

My OH buys stuff for the kids (clothes etc) out of his own earnings.

You don’t sound like a partnership at all. In fact you sound like a couple from my parents generation we’re the woman did it all. Those days are well over. He needs to pull his finger out.

Start by telling him what you want him to do (I do think men need organising). If he won’t contribute to the running of the house then you need to decide if you are willing to put up with that or you need to make the change.

My husband says he can’t look after his child when she’s here as he’s too busy

So where is the childminder? Oh it’s you. He’s not being very nice to you is he. Not being nice to his daughter either. You say it’s five years? I’d go to a good counselor or assertiveness coach and talk through your own feelings. It’s a long time to be downtrodden. Which you are, but take hope you do matter and you don’t have to be an unpaid childminder. Get stronger in yourself. You might see that being on your own is better than this.

AIf you split up would DSD want to stay with you perchance. If so they'd both owe you child maintenance and at 11 a court would listen to her.

Good point.

For 5 years he hasn’t taken care of her, and you’ve resented it as not your job. You want to only take care of your kids, he only cares for his when she’s there, and neither of you want to be involved or parent the other persons child as it’s not your job? So since the age of 6, you’ve not actually wanted to have anything practical to do with this child, but have been ‘forced’ to. But he’s never been ‘forced’ to do the same for your kids.........are any of you actually happy together?! I don’t see how you could be, seriously. I’m not into the LTB as it seems to be thrown around lightly, but seriously- are any of you happy?

And I know you have cared for her all this time, which is great- but at the same time, she’s been unwanted since 6 but you’ve grudgingly cared for her. Obligation care doesn’t seem to show much love for what’s supposed to be a blended family which has been going for 5 years. How about your kids? How do they interact with him, or does he ignore them too?

This is so sad, that poor little girl that nobody wants.

You say you grew up seeing daily domestic violence between your parents, but you still believe that marriage should be forever, no matter what

My husband and I work from home
It all comes down to this really. Working from home can be anything from selling on ebay for a few hours to running a business working for 50 hours. If the difference is such, then yes, it is not unreasonable that you should be picking up at least most of the house work. However, if you work the similar hours and your job brings back a needed income, then the tasks should be divided.

I’m positive if more people communicated there wouldn’t be such a high diviroce rate

That's very true, but from what you say you've spoken to him numerous times.

It sounds like he wanted a wife yo look after his DD and didn't show his true colours till you got married, as you wouldn't have married him if you saw he was such a useless parent.

The poor girl has 2 useless parents.

Your H is a waste of space and you should leave him. He's a terrible parent. In fact, he's not a parent. You seem to be focusing your resentment about this onto your SD and to have identified this as an area where you could force the issue by refusing to care for her. This really would be punishing a child for the father's awful behaviour. You might be able to force the issue in this way, but it's really unfair and probably damaging. Hey don't you get it together and deal with the real issue. Tell him to shape up or it's over, and mean it.

It sounds like you are really stuck. In summary I understand that he neglects his responsibilities to his daughter and the household and he doesn't respect you as he doesn't listen/act/care about your feelings on his neglect.
Ideas:

• Tell him to get staff to do the cooking, clearing up and cleaning
• A childminder
• Go to mediation/couples counselling to try communicating in a different way to see if that gets through to him
• Get a job where you don't work from home

You have only told us about the negatives so I hope there are some lovely positives to balance out these challenges.

What you're actually asking people is how do I change my husband from a shitty, lazy selfish , arrogant prick into a good man. Well with all due respect none of us have a magic wand to help you do that.
I would make enquiries about your legal rights regarding selling joint assets and file for a divorce. In the meantime I would tell all of the children that unless they start doing jobs around the house (age appropriate jobs) all privileges stop. No money, no lifts, no treats, no days out etc. I would continue cooking etc for your sd until you separate as she is too young to look after herself but cease doing anything for him ANYTHING.
He takes the p because he can knowing you don't mean what you say.
Make these changes and stick to it, you can't expect them to respect you when you don't demand the respect yourself.

People are trying to help you, you just don't like the answers.

The reality is that a 11 year old, if hungry (because your husband didn't cook for her), can make herself a snack if she gets hungry. Both my DC's are younger and they are more than capable of making themselves a sandwich/having a bowl of cereal. Hungry children will eat. You should have just shrugged when he said he wasn't cooking for her and said ok and let it go.

Do you have house rules and chores divvied up. Every child in your house is more than capable of doing some of those chores on your list.
Why are you doing everything for everyone? Stop. My two are 7 and 9. They clean their rooms, make their beds, get their own breakfast and snacks, and bring the washing down and put it in the machine/ basket. They've also started helping me unload and stack the dishwasher.

In your shoes, I would sit all the family down and collaboratively ask them which parts they would like to help with and take responsibility for (obviously the older ones can do more than the 11 year old). And don't make it a choice. Put the chore list somewhere visible and start there. And then when any person doesn't get it done, well then you're letting the team down. But don't step up and do it for them.

If your DH refuses to do any of it.

just stop doing it. Stop cleaning up after him as well. He doesn't look after you or your kids, so stop looking after him and his.

If he doesn't cook her tea - let him deal with it. If he doesn't wash her clothes, his issue.

Leave him to it honestly.

I think everyone in your household should be contributing towards household tasks including the children. All 3 kids are old enough to do some of the cleaning, putting clothes in the washer, washing up and putting away.

I have step children, now adults, when they were under our roof (my) rules applied (DP left me to it unless I needed backing up) . You need to set some ground rules with all the children and that includes your husband, if they don't agree you then have to decide what is best for you.