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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unreasonably devastated

42 replies

Myallotmentisweedy · 28/02/2018 18:13

I am in a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man. We get on extremely well as friends and as lovers. There is a massive spark and we both know that this is for the long term.
But, we both have difficult histories and deep scars from previous relationships and we both have children. I have one child and he has three, all older than mine.

We spend a lot of time with each other and have talked about living together for some time now. He has said that it were just the two of us, he would do everything he could to convince me to live with him. But, it is not just the two of us, and all of our children have been through a lot of upset in their short lives. I know that mixing children from different families is likely to be a rocky road and takes a lot of effort and care, and is something that would have to be planned gradually.
I hope and dream of a life where one day we can wake up together every morning and have a happy life together.

However, he has now said that he has given the situation much thought and that no, he does not want us to live together as he does not think it would be the right thing to do for his family. If it were just me, yes, he thinks I would be a positive influence on his children, but, because I have a younger child, no, it would be too disruptive for him and his children.
I understand that he has to put his children first. I know that what he is saying is carefully considered and the sensible choice to make.

But, I feel absolutely devastated, hurt and rejected. I adore him and it is tearing me apart to think that we won't share more of our lives together than we do now. It also makes me sad that his past has left him so nervous of doing the wrong thing and his children getting hurt, that he puts his own feelings and emotions last.

I know I am being selfish and irrational, but I am just so upset. It feels like someone or something has died. I guess it has, my dream of the future is gone. I need some help to get past this. I love him, but this is so hard.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 28/02/2018 18:18

He sounds like he is being sensible, and a good dad, there are some blended family horror stories on here.

Are you devastated because you don’t really believe it’s because of the children but something to do with your relationship? because taken at face value it seems reasonable. In the future things could change too as his children get older and your relationship progresses. Not now doesn’t mean never.

PositivelyPERF · 28/02/2018 18:26

If it were just me, yes, he thinks I would be a positive influence on his children, but, because I have a younger child, no, it would be too disruptive for him and his children. That’s the bit that stands out for me. It suggests he doesn’t have an emotional attachment to your child.

If you’re only together a short while, fair enough, but if you’re talking years, then personally I’d have to walk away. Yes, you need to be considerate to the children, but when do you decide you’ve been together long enough or the children are old enough, to move in together?

PhelanThePain · 28/02/2018 18:30

So is he breaking up with you or just saying he doesn’t want to live with you?

Original poster
Myallotmentisweedy · 28/02/2018 18:40

No, not breaking up, just wanting to keep things as they are, which I know is the sensible thing to do.
He has said himself that he doesn't feel he can offer my child as much as he feels he should. I think he finds the idea of being a stepfather very daunting, but then I believe he constantly puts himself under a huge amount of pressure to be better, if not perfect. From my own experiences, I think that stepfather and father are very different roles, but then I grew up with that and he hasn't.
I absolutely know that I am being unreasonable in being so upset, but I'm really struggling to get past my hurt emotions.
I also find uncertainty difficult and the when is the right time question worries me. I'm scared of losing time with him, when we have already met later in life.
Thank you though for your responses so far, it is making me start to think that this isn't final, it's just that the time isn't right.

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 28/02/2018 18:47

OP have a good read of the step parenting board. Honestly, it’s not an easy life. I really do believe it’s probably better to stay living apart in most relationships that have children on both sides. At least until the children are grown and flown. You can have a great relationship with him as a couple without being bogged down by the mundane grunge of parenting each other’s children. I would consider this a weight lifted off you tbh. It takes the pressure off. You can both carry on parenting your respective children without any stress of trying to blend them and yet still be a couple. Best of both worlds. How old is your child?

PhelanThePain · 28/02/2018 18:49

And how old are you and how old is this relationship?

TwitterQueen1 · 28/02/2018 18:54

Sounds like he is being very sensible, realistic, considerate, and is putting his children first - as he should do.

Also sounds like you are being very romantic and idealistic and unrealistic.

Try not to be devastated. Neither of you are wrong, it's just the timing that is wrong. If he's a keeper you need to stick with him! Have some faith, some confidence and don't rush things or pressure him.

PhelanThePain · 28/02/2018 18:57

Agree with that, if he’s a keeper he will still be a keeper in years to come. Far better to take your time over such a big decision than rush it and ruin things and upset children. You have the rest of your life to wake up next to him. Your children are only young and at home for a short while.

Original poster
Myallotmentisweedy · 28/02/2018 18:57

Thanks PTP. You are making me feel much better, I really needed to hear this instead of wallowing in pity.
We are in our early 40s and have been together getting on for 2 years.
I think that it is far too early to consider mixing everyone together, but it still burst my bubble. Also, he has been single a lot longer than I have. He has had time to settle into single parenting, whereas I met him quite soon after getting out of a hideous and abusive relationship. They say you meet people when you are least expecting to, but I was set on actively avoiding men for at least ten years. I hadn't banked on meeting him though!
I think part of my problem is being a bit scared and daunted still of being on my own with my child, even though it is a million times better than being with his father. I feel quite vulnerable and wobbly still.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 28/02/2018 19:01

How old are the children?

Can you try to see this as an opportunity? You can find your independence, establish yourself as a lone parent to your D.C., safe in the security of a long term relationship. You can have the best of both worlds!

FlippingFoal · 28/02/2018 19:03

It sounds like he is happy to have children in his life part time but doesn't want the commitment of yours 24/7...

Original poster
Myallotmentisweedy · 28/02/2018 19:06

Thank you TQ1.
I feel like I have had a massive hug and a G & T in a hot bath, when in reality I have just been out in the freezing cold.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 28/02/2018 19:06

If he's anxious about this - perhaps time will make it easier for him?

PhelanThePain · 28/02/2018 19:10

I’ve been a single parent for almost 13 years now and honestly I have no interest at all in having someone else come in and try and parent my children. I certainly have no notion of trying to parent or even worse live with someone else’s children. Can you honestly say you really wanted to parent someone else’s 3 children? Or were you just happy to accept them as the cost of living with him? Because really (and this might offend some step parents) I don’t think anyone should be moving in with any children unless they really want to be a parent under difficult circumstances. And if we’re being very honest, I don’t think many people genuinely want that. They just accept it as the price of living with the person they are going out with. Far too often on MN I read threads and think those two people had no need at all to be moving in together.

TwitterQueen1 · 28/02/2018 19:28

PTP speaks the truth.

Also, something I've never got my head around, how do you have sex with someone when your DCs are in the next door bedrooms?

QuiteLikely5 · 28/02/2018 19:33

Ptp is talking absolute sense

Don’t move in together - once your kids are late teens then yes but now nope!

myidentitymycrisis · 28/02/2018 19:41

OP you say he is used to being a Lone Parent, does he have his children full time.?

FlippingFoal · 28/02/2018 22:08

Also, something I've never got my head around, how do you have sex with someone when your DCs are in the next door bedrooms?

How do people with one child ever have a second? You do know childbirth doesn't stop someone wanting to have sex?

TwitterQueen1 · 28/02/2018 22:16

Flipping Gosh, really! I had no idea.... how ever did I manage to have 3? Grin. My point being, if you have children from marriage #1, the likelihood is that they will be of an embarrassing age 2nd time around and will know that new relationships mean sex... And instead of it being a normal thing, don't you end up willing kids to go to bed so that you can go too?

FlippingFoal · 01/03/2018 09:40

It's not even something that has entered my head and i think you are slightly weird for even thinking it. Did you stop having sex when your children were older?

SandyY2K · 01/03/2018 13:41

I think one key factor for men having a relationship with a woman with kids, is that they'll more than likely be spending a lot of time with the child if they live together.

Unlike if a woman lives with a man with kids. She msy only see the stepkids 4 times a month.

It's a much bigger undertaking for a man. If the man has his own kids, it can cause him to feel guilty about spending more time with a child/children who aren't his.

Added to that...his children can also get jealous about another child seeing their dad more than them.

These are points to be seriously considered.

swingofthings · 01/03/2018 18:42

I absolutely know that I am being unreasonable in being so upset
It would be unreasonable to be angry at him for his decision, but upset? Of course you have a right to be upset. You're disappointed, it's totally understandable.

Don't give up, show you are understanding. It might be that once the pressure if off his shoulders and he doesn't feel so much that he owes you to plan a move together, he gradually starts to see the positive aspects of it. It wouldn't be surprising at all that it is him who in a few months suggest it and you might even find that once you've given up on the idea and get used to your relationship as it is, you start to like it best as it is.

TooSassy · 02/03/2018 10:05

OP, a few things?

Firstly, are you getting counselling? It is completely understandable to feel so wobbly, but I'm interested as to what dynamic this has then caused between the two of you.

Secondly, I 110% agree with swingofthings I don't think it is unreasonable to be upset. You had been discussing an option, gotten your hopes up high and are now disappointed. So cut yourself some slack.

I also think he has done the right thing to call out his concerns and say its perhaps not for the best for the kids. Not enough people put the children first IMO when making these decisions and sometimes forcing two families together is not always the best thing to do for the children.

My advice again seconds what swing says. Accept his decision and show your understanding of it. Recalibrate your expectations and work on the basis that you won't all live together. Make more decisions that are focussed on you and your DC. What you will find is that thinking differently will result in you acting differently. And acting differently will result in you seeing the positives of it being just you and your DC alone (there is a lot to be said for living with just your own children). Then wait and see how your other half feels. It's amazing what happens when you accept a decision and give both of you space without pressure.

Good luck x

Original poster
Myallotmentisweedy · 02/03/2018 10:29

Thank you all for your messages.
I'm trying to think about things more positively.
It doesn't help that I'm still having big problems with my child's father. He sends very nasty and abusive messages and emails that make be feel very vulnerable , but that's a whole other matter. It does leave me feeling in desperate need of the security of a family home, with someone physically there for me to help me through the tough parts. I don't think it is fair to burden my boyfriend with all the trauma surrounding my ex though.
It's tough!

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 02/03/2018 16:33

You’re not unreasonable to be upset. After all, when we enter into a relationship with someone and that relationship becomes more serious it stands to reason that we start to think of the future which will become part of us. Living together building a life together and moving forward into the future. It stands to reason that if one or other partner says that they don’t believe that that is the best way forward then the other partner is naturally going to be upset.

However, no relationship where there are children involved is plain sailing. And it is even more the case that when you are trying to blend families with there being children on both sides then you need to consider multiple other relationships as well as your own, yours, yours with your biological children, yours with his biological children, the children’s relationships with each other, his relationships with both your and his children, and that’s before you bring families into the mix as well...

You only need one of these relationships to not work for the whole house of cards to be on dodgy ground.

I am personally of the view that all to many adults rush into cohabiting relationships before the children have actively had the chance to get used to the situation, and the situation is rarely plain sailing.

I also agree that for men things are a lot more permanent in that they are expected to parent children on an almost full-time basis whereas for most women they maybe have the children every few weeks or every other weekend at most. And, and I realise this is potentially not a popular view, in my experience women find it much harder to be step parents than men do, but men are more likely to tolerate bad stepmothers than women are to tolerate bad stepfathers.

Can i ask, how old are you and the children concerned?

FWIW when I got together with my partner we wanted to move in together badly. But circumstances meant that that didn’t happen. I was really upset at first. I wondered whether we would ever actually live together and thought that perhaps we wouldn’t and then wondered if the relationship could last the distance.

Fast forward several years and circumstances beyond our control mean that actually we won’t be able to live together any time before my DC leave school (he doesn’t have children.) What this has meant however is that I have plenty of time to have a relationship with my DC when DP isn’t here, DC still have a good relationship with DP and tbh he has stepped up when it’s really mattered, and there are times when the DC and DP aren’t in the same space so it means that they don’t feel pushed out by me having moved another man into their space.

My ex’s partner on the other hand fell pregnant very early into their relationship, moved in with her DC and made it very clear that her children come first above everyone and everything else. XH isn’t allowed to have a relationship with our DC apart from her, and she insists that the DC should all get on and love each other which frankly they don’t.

The upshot is that DC haven’t stayed at their dad’s for nearly two years now, have no relationship with their half sibling, and see their dad maybe every few months. If she hadn’t moved in I am certain things would have been vastly different.