Unreasonably devastated

[Myallotmentisweedy]

I am in a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man. We get on extremely well as friends and as lovers. There is a massive spark and we both know that this is for the long term.
But, we both have difficult histories and deep scars from previous relationships and we both have children. I have one child and he has three, all older than mine.

We spend a lot of time with each other and have talked about living together for some time now. He has said that it were just the two of us, he would do everything he could to convince me to live with him. But, it is not just the two of us, and all of our children have been through a lot of upset in their short lives. I know that mixing children from different families is likely to be a rocky road and takes a lot of effort and care, and is something that would have to be planned gradually.
I hope and dream of a life where one day we can wake up together every morning and have a happy life together.

However, he has now said that he has given the situation much thought and that no, he does not want us to live together as he does not think it would be the right thing to do for his family. If it were just me, yes, he thinks I would be a positive influence on his children, but, because I have a younger child, no, it would be too disruptive for him and his children.
I understand that he has to put his children first. I know that what he is saying is carefully considered and the sensible choice to make.

But, I feel absolutely devastated, hurt and rejected. I adore him and it is tearing me apart to think that we won't share more of our lives together than we do now. It also makes me sad that his past has left him so nervous of doing the wrong thing and his children getting hurt, that he puts his own feelings and emotions last.

I know I am being selfish and irrational, but I am just so upset. It feels like someone or something has died. I guess it has, my dream of the future is gone. I need some help to get past this. I love him, but this is so hard.

It does sound devastating. However I’d take a long hard look at what you both need. You say clearly you want to take the full plunge into a live in relationship. He seems content to not want that, I think this is a deal breaker.

You may even want more kids in the future. Don’t waste this with someone who does not want the same thing.

TwitterQueen1 will you stop having sex when your children reach a certain age??

If he can't except your child but thinks you would be good for his then run. It's like he is fantasizing about your child not being part of your future

id be hurt too.
He would be quite happy for you to come in and look after/help with his children, but not help you with yours or want to try and make a family of it. Do all the children get on?

Im not saying its not sensible, but it is basically saying that youre going to stay a single parent. I think you sound open and loving and I think you could do better

A slight divergence, but something else I'm trying to understand.
I have one child, so I don't have experience of it, but the concern about the disruption of adding another younger child, (mine) to the mix, (his family of three children). Is this not something that would be of concern to any 'normal' family thinking of having another child? What is the difference, is it just that the child is mine and not his?

It makes me feel as though I am of much less importance in his life than his (ex) wife was - he chose to have three children with her and may have had more had things not deteriorated, yet one child where I am involved is too much? (I know I'm being silly to an extent).
(We are past the age to be having children together, to answer a question above.)
What about families that foster and adopt - how much disruption does that cause to the existing children?
Is step parenting really so much more difficult compared to 'normal' parenting? Or is it a case that the 'it's not my child' makes it easier to say 'it is all too difficult and I want to leave' than it would if it was your biological child, where to say that would be unacceptable?

The point I've seen raised on other threads about differences in parenting technique causing problems - does that not imply that if it was a first time around relationship where the children were of both adults, that there would be problems with this and that perhaps there is a deeper seated incompatibility?

I see your point. It is much tougher blending families, than having another child in an existing one. You are right in the sense that he is not giving you a real go at a live in full relationship, one that he did give his Ex. I think some people do only want one family and the next relationship is supposed to add on, not merge and compromise and change. Which is not want you want. I didn’t either.

Is this not something that would be of concern to any 'normal' family thinking of having another child? What is the difference, is it just that the child is mine and not his?

Yes it is. I have two children and would actually love to have another baby (if I was in a relationship) but I think it would have a negative impact on my existing children so it’s something I’ve ruled out and my family is complete.

Step parenting and blending families is all the more complicated and the additional adults involved, complex living arrangements, parenting styles etc (you’re dealing with 4 parents instead of 2) leaves all the more opportunity for conflict and bad feeling. It worries me that you were planning to blend your family and yet these very obvious points had escaped you.

I mean you wouldn’t get a pet without considering the impact on your child would you? So what makes you think people have second and third children without considering the impact on their existing child? Of course there are those who done consider existing children but most normal people dont just have a child with no regard to how that will change their family.

If you were a "together" family and added another child to the mix then you'd know they'd be brought up with the same parenting values as your other kids, plus the other kids wouldn't have gone through the disruption at best, trauma at worst of growing up in a separated family. And as PP said you don't have two other parents complicating matters either by them being there or not!.

With fostering or adoption one would presume that the family in question had thought very carefully about the impact to their existing kids and not gone ahead with it if they had doubts about it - just as your own DP has decided having another child in his DC's lives is not best for them either.

I think a common theme that parents experience when their kids get older, especially when you have 2 or more, is that constant battle deciding how much attention you should give them so that they are not getting too much and becoming spoiled but getting enough to feel loved and valued.

I think this is even more of an issue amongst FT working parents, and of course parents who only see their kids every other week-ends. This is even more of an issue if indeed, children have experienced emotional difficulties and are therefore even more in need of support.

If indeed your OH's kids need some attention to get through issues, then he is actually being a wonderful dad because most likely, he is actually giving up something he too would love more than anything, ie. sharing his life for you, but is putting his needs asides to be the best dad he can be. This is very admirable and something that not many separated dads would do. It's hard because it's a gamble too. No matter how much you give up some of your needs for the benefits of your kids, you have no guarantee that it will pay off even less that they will be grateful for it. As a parent with a huge sense of duty though, it is not a choice though.

You are hurt and inevitably probably a bit angry which is normal, but if you can, try to see what an incredible man your partner is. If he can be so dedicated to his children, then he is likely to be as dedicated to the other people he loves. Give him time, maybe things will settle, his kids will become more independent, less needy and he will feel more confident stepping back and consider his own needs.

Do his children live with him?
We merged our family.

My daughter with then bfs 2 sons. But we only had them all once a fortnight. Then we had a baby together. (Got married)
Age range baby to 10 years.
22 years on everybody totally loves each other and see each other as 'completely' brothers/sister/ mum /dad /sons/daughter.
Did have very supportive ex h who always put daughter first.

Hi @Myallotmentisweedy - firstly I too don't think it's unreasonable for you to be feeling upset; you were discussing a way forward & now he has changed his mind.
It's admirable that he's thinking of his kids in this BUT, I don't think that's all that's going on.
Like @Cabininthewoods69 the bit about 'if it were only you' also stood out to me. It does seem like he wants a family unit that consists of him, his kids & you - minus your child. He also doesn't seem to be saying 'blending is hard & takes time but let's start working towards it', he's just saying 'no'.
My dp & I have three kids each, all between 12 & 21. They live in different towns, see little of each other & don't have a huge amount in common. Dp & I are engaged and getting married this year. Like you we are both in our 40's. We are not prepared to have our life together start in 6-8 years time when the kids are grown up, however, we are very conscious of our kids needs in all of this. We have worked together to find a solution & ours is that we will buy a large house together which will facilitate all of us. We have just recently viewed a property with a large granny flat that he & his kids could use when they are with us - that way both sets of kids will have separate living areas to chill in & dp (who is the nrp) can get 1:1 time with his kids without my guys being in their faces all the time.
My point is that while being realistic about the difficulties of blending, dp and I are on the same page as to how we would like our relationship to progress & are prepared to work together to try to achieve that. I just feel that you two seem to have different hopes for your future & are not operating off the same page.
I would also not underestimate the concern your dp may have over your ex (if he is aware of the abusive nature of the relationship). What he may actually be trying to say to you is that your child & his/her relationship with a problematic/abusive parent is not something he wants near his kids & in fairness I get this. If your dp feels that you & your dc do not have strong boundaries erected with your ex then he may be justifiably concerned that the mess of your old relationship could impact on his kids.
Just a thought.

Thank you all for taking the time to write.
It is a huge help seeing this from different perspectives.
He really is wonderful, I know that. He is also very aware of the nature of my previous relationship and has been and still is an enormous help to me in getting through the ongoing problems from it, despite my saying that I don't think it is fair for him to be involved in this.

He has not said no to living together in the future, just that the time is not right now. And he is right. I tend to think with my heart and whilst I am saying that I would love us all to live together, this is a romantic notion and when I make myself consider the practicalities, I too know that it is not the right thing to do now, much as it hurts.

Thank you all again for your help.

It takes some courage to tell the person what they don't want to hear, especially when what you tell them goes against what you wish you could do yourself. After all, he could have risked losing you. He did it because deep inside, rightly or not, he does believe it is the right thing to do.

Personally, I would much prefer to have such a strong person as my OH, even if it meant having to be patient and accepting the situation, than have a partner agreeing to all my wishes for an easier life, at the cost of the well-being of his children and his duty as a father.

Your relationship will have more chance to grow strong in the future not living together for some time than listening to your heart ignoring the issues and hoping they will resolve by themselves, when in all likelihood they won't and only make the relationship go downhill.

dont feel that you have to wait around for him OP if he cant give you what you need.

I’ve been a lone parent for 5 years now, and know that recovering from an abusive relationship takes time. In my view (not everyone will agree) when one is in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a fledgling relationship you can see their dc through the same rose-tinted glasses as you see the boyfriend. You feel that if the man is right and if you have the best intentions blending will work. In my view this is naive. There are complicated feelings involved on all sides. It sounds like your BF is a very good man to tell you about his reservations, though you should observe his developing/non developing relationship with your dc. It’s complex and difficult. For the sake of everyone it’s better to proceed with extreme caution (if at all) and look at everything realistically.

It may be that you are still healing from your abusive relationship. Your boyfriend may have reservations due to continued ‘baggage’ of abuse on your side and also you might be clinging to your boyfriend and looking for security and protection when really you need to continue to heal and stand (emotionally) on your own two feet for a bit while also.. waiting for the rose tinted specs to fade.

In short what’s needed here is time. Much much more time. If he is a keeper then there is all the time in the world.