DP and my DD

[cantmakeme]

I have been with my DP for 4 years, and two years ago he moved in with me and my DD who is now 7 years old. My DD seems to really like my DP and I thought that the feeling was mutual, but since the birth of our DC (10 months) I feel that he finds her annoying and hard to deal with. Whenever I leave them alone together and deal with the baby or make dinner, my DP will come and tell me that my daughter is playing up and that he has told her off. It's just minor stuff, but I don't know why he has to come and tell me? I feel like I'm mum to them both sometimes. My DP also comments that my Dd talks too much - and that's true, she's a chatterbox, I don't know whether I am being over sensitive tbh. I just don't want for him to say it in a negative way.
The other day, when my Dd stomped off when not allowed something, DP asked me whether I think she is mentally unstable! Erm, no... just a 7 year old.
I suppose my real question is how can I help the two of them to get along and how much should I be involved if my DD answers back to my DP? I'm happy for him to just tell her off and that's the end of it, unless it's something particularly bad.

Is he still having happy moments with her, playing with her and doing the things together they did before your ds came along. Or is everything mostly negative with their interactions now?

Usually on the step parenting boards SMsget told to back off and let the father discipline his own child. I think you need to establish house rules that you all agree on and then step up as her mother and not expect him to discipline her.

Does she have her dad in her life?
Seems like your DP finds her irritating now that the two of you have a baby...that's not nice at all.

He sounds more like the mentally unstable one...not her. Bloody cheek if him.

You need to tell him what you've observed.

I have NC just to say, this was me and my SD. To this day, his family tell me how much he loved me, but it simply wasn’t true. Maybe it was true before my brother, his son, was born (I was 5 by then), but I certainly don’t recall any love and affection. He was so hard on me, so cold.

My mum died when I was 10 and one of my very first thoughts in that hospital room was “Now what? He doesn’t even like me”. I know this sounds pretty unforgivable, but when he died two years later, it didn’t take long for me to feel a sense of relief.

Not saying it’s the same, but don’t let him let your daughter feel anything close to what I felt.

Mentally unstable that’s a nasty thing to say.

Have you talked to DP about this? I think you need to have a serious chat. Tell him you’ve noticed how negative he is about DD, giving a few examples, and ask is he struggling with his role? Tell him you’re upset about it and feel he’s being too hard on her. Ask if he has any suggestions to improve things between them.

You have to sort this out OP. It’s not fair on your DD.

Thanks for your responses.

Yes, there are positive interactions between them. My DP isn't mean to her or anything, there is just a difference and not a good one. I think he finds her annoying and as I have sensed the difference, I don't know whether my daughter has as well. She hasn't said anything about it and she's quite upfront and unafraid to express herself.
Yes, her dad sees her one night in the week and one day and night each weekend.
Sorry about your experience notdaddys.
I don't know whether to talk to my DP about this. I think he is likely to deny any change except for us being more tired and stressed since having the baby.

arapaima messaged at same time. I haven't spoken to him about it. I'm just thinking of how to go about it really and talk in a way that is constructive

Does she have her dad in her life?
Seems like your DP finds her irritating now that the two of you have a baby...that's not nice at all

Well that’s exactly what has happened. It’s common.

It needs a strong word in the shell like and any ‘I’m tireds’ Or ‘you’re imagining it’s’ etc would be battered away with a ‘this IS happening and I would like it to stop because the second she notices it is the point we have problems’.

Don’t let this become a habit for him because habits are hard to break.

flippingfoal he doesn't discipline her in the sense of exacting punishment of any kind. However if I'm not there when she is rude to him, he tells her off. I'm aware that she can be quite rude sometimes.

Maybe she feels excluded now that you are a family unit with a child who is biologically both of yours and she is the odd one out, perfectly understandable.
I expect he was kinder and more patient till his own child came along and now she is and feels like an extra to him.
Its really sad when step children feel crap and excluded because parents put their own desires whether that is to have another child or another relationship before their own existing child.
Sorry op but that is the truth.

She is 7 they all get a bit more confident in speaking there mind at this age. Maybe discus with him about how to tackle her speaking her mind. Approach it as if you are planning what to do together then if he carries on being over the top then be blunt with it

Its really sad when step children feel crap and excluded because parents put their own desires whether that is to have another child or another relationship before their own existing child.
Sorry op but that is the truth

Do single parents have to stay single forever in order to prove themselves devoted to their child? I want her to be happy. I didn't know how hard blending families can be, I am just fumbling through this life like most people are.

I wouldn't tolerate this towards my child, some of his behaviour is really nasty. I would be very clear with him that it stops immediately. Your dd will be picking up on the change.

Not forever, just until your children are older and settled into their own lives, late teenage early twenties, but of course that means sacrificing your own self and we have to all have the best of everything nowadays.
Op, the only way forward is explicitly tell your dp to shape up, do not allow your child to feel second best in her own home and if he can't at least outwardly treat her kindly and the same as his own then he'll have to leave.
Don't then have another by a third.

If your DD is rude to him why don't you want him to tell you about it? How is he supposed to tell you a out your daughters bad behaviour in a positive way? And really maybe he finds her annoying becayse she actually is annoying? He doesn't have the same love for her that you do that allows you to ignore her imperfections..

I second a poster that said you have to try sorting her behaviour out and step up as her mother. You.are her parent and he is not and the responsibility is mainly on you. Maybe you sbould spend more 1to1 with her?

I also think you should talk to him and explain your fears and worries...It's possible he is not aware how he is coming accross and needs to be told to work on it.
Don't even consider breaking your seconds DCs family at this stage. You both need to work on it. New baby changes everything in blended families..you, him.and your DD will adjust if you put effort in and give it time.

I've found myself sometimes having less patience towards my DSD since the birth of my own children; I think its normal to change a bit, though it doesn't excuse it in any way of course.

What I find is that since having my own children I notice behaviour in DSD that I wouldn't want my children to repeat, whereas before I probably didn't notice as much as it's always been my husband's role. However when you have your own children you become far more aware of people around you having an influence on your child.

whitecat I do not doubt the irritating qualities in my daughter During a day with any child, there may be a dozen annoying little interactions in which they talk too much, answer back, don't listen. Sometimes a quick "don't do that" is fine - every single tiny incident does not need to be reported back and addressed with punishment. And I do not need to constantly be told that she talks too much. When she is doing that, I tend to give her a couple of tasks (fun ones) to distract her.
If she has done something very rude or dangerous, I'm all ears (and action).
My DD isn't going to be able to just quit being annoying - she's a child and they are all pretty annoying

If he doesn't treat her with fondness and kindness, she would have a happier life if he didn't live in her home.

Thanks unihorn yes, I think he has said something like that before. I guess it can be difficult enough parenting with the other natural parent when there are differences in opinion about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. It adds a whole new dimension when the "new" parent is also involved in the upbringing.

Also, I need to be clear that he isn't horrible to her. Far from it. He spends time talking to her and sharing a couple of common interests. It's just a shift to seeming more annoyed with her than he used to. I will look at my part in this and ensure I am being consistent.

^This

My DP isn't mean to her or anything
Yes, he is. And the mentally unstable comment is ridiculous. He is unkind and over-critical. I would have one conversation with him about it and be looking for an immediate shift, then I would move on if it wasn't forthcoming. He sounds like a bully.

If it were me I would be coming down on this behaviour very quickly and decisively.
If it doesn’t stop now it really will be impossible as she gets older open teen and teen. It may rip your family apart.
Be strong now with him about this, explain there will be no future together if he can’t care and be kind to your dd. Do you think he cares about her? Genuinely cares?

I find my 7 YO DSD immensely annoying at times. She never shuts up, she’s noisy, she’s messy, a fussy eater and terrible for answering back but it’s her age and part and parcel of growing up! And my own 4 YO DD is just as headache inducingly annoying if not more so! I admit that, doesn’t mean that I hate them!

I don’t think that your OH is being particularly nasty about your DD. Apart from the ‘mentally unstable’ comment, was he joking when he said it or being serious?

It’s all a learning curve for him, just wait until the DS you have together grows up and displays similar behaviour he may be more sympathetic then.

user yes, he cares about her and her wellbeing. Perhaps I am just hurt seeing the difference between his love for his biological child and her. I know it's natural but it does hurt.

notposh He wasn't joking, but he does have an interest in MH disorders and often suggests to me that various people might have autism or anxiety etc. He wasn't joking, and said it in a musing kind of way rather than angrily. Still pissed me off!

I have told him before that our younger dc is going to do plenty of these annoying things too, and he says he feels this way about rudeness from any child to an adult.

I grew up with answering back not tolerated at all, and although I am assertive now I spent years afraid to stand up for myself. I don't mind my children speaking up for themselves but not with rudeness.

@cantmakeme I must admit, after DD was born every little thing DSD did annoyed me. I gritted my teeth and got on with it but we were pretty much resident parents at that point. DP is self employed and didn’t get any paternity leave so it was a real baptism of fire. I battled PND and to make matters worse, DP, consumed by guilt at the fact we’d had another child lavished so much attention on to DSD and barely acknowledged DD or myself for months. It was really tough and caused a lot of resentment. It was awful and probably one of the toughest times of my life.

Luckily, we worked through it as best we could after my fantastic HV actually sat DP down and told him that do me to get better he had to adjust his attitude and be more supportive.

Not saying that your set up is the same as ours but I can see all sides.