DP and my DD

[cantmakeme]

I have been with my DP for 4 years, and two years ago he moved in with me and my DD who is now 7 years old. My DD seems to really like my DP and I thought that the feeling was mutual, but since the birth of our DC (10 months) I feel that he finds her annoying and hard to deal with. Whenever I leave them alone together and deal with the baby or make dinner, my DP will come and tell me that my daughter is playing up and that he has told her off. It's just minor stuff, but I don't know why he has to come and tell me? I feel like I'm mum to them both sometimes. My DP also comments that my Dd talks too much - and that's true, she's a chatterbox, I don't know whether I am being over sensitive tbh. I just don't want for him to say it in a negative way.
The other day, when my Dd stomped off when not allowed something, DP asked me whether I think she is mentally unstable! Erm, no... just a 7 year old.
I suppose my real question is how can I help the two of them to get along and how much should I be involved if my DD answers back to my DP? I'm happy for him to just tell her off and that's the end of it, unless it's something particularly bad.

That sounds awful, notposh. I don't envy you being home alone with pnd, a new baby, and a stepchild. Glad you managed to work through it.
Is there anything that worked for you that we might use?

I found a similar situation imnotposh. My struggle is that we have DSD with us on my husband's 2.5 days off work and the rest of the week he's out from 6am til 6pm so he doesn't see ours through the week. He often then just wants to play Xbox or football with his daughter and not really bother with us too much so the balance is difficult to strike.

cant I am in the same sort of boat as you. I have 3 fiesty dd's, and my dp joined us when they were 6,5,1. They are 15,11,9 now. I think the issue is the biological bond. He is to all intents and purposes their father, but he still looks to me sort out any behaviour, which I obviously do without question. I wonder how much bio dads deal with their cheeky dd's without discussing it with their oh? Meaning cheeky dc are normal, but I think we are more sensitive to it, as the 'other parent' isn't a bio one.

We have a 5yo ds together, it brought us all together as a family, but he naturally treats him slightly differently. And I leave him to get on with parenting him. Wheras I do act as a go between with the dd's. But they are my dd's, iyswim. (Their bio dad has not seen them for 7 years now). Seeing the parenting thing from day 1 with ds has changed how dp parents the girls, he was kind of thrown in the deep end, joining a ready made, very female household. And I cut him no slack!

And to the pp who says all single mums should stay alone until their dc are adults, really? Really really? What a horrid thing to say. So I was supposed to stay on my own, while my ex went off, got married and had more dc? Please.

It's pretty bizarre to suggest it is in the child's best interest if their parent stays single (unless there's abuse from a step parent).
My DD always asks us to get married, and she adores her baby sibling. When I told her I was pregnant, she cried with happiness.

OP you mentioned earlier that your DD would voice her concerns if she felt your DH was being unkind. I think it is very dangerous to assume that. Have a read of the Stately Homes Thread - so many damaged childhoods.
It isn’t your DD’s responsibility to voice her concerns it is your job to see. If you have felt it is not right she probably has as well. Unless it is stopped it will get worse.

I've had difficulties at times between my DD and DH. Not related to a new baby, but just him finding her difficult and me being aware of the difference between how he is with her and with his own DD (my DSD, older than DD)

I have had a few conversations about it with DH. Pointing out the difference and saying how it's upset me (and DD some of times) My DH is good in that he has taken some of this away and thought about it and tried to make an extra effort with DD. Currently things are pretty good between them. A few other things I think help:

• Trying to empathize sometimes with DH when DD is being difficult, to let him see I also find her hard work at times, rather than always defending her, which is usually my first instinct.

• Seeking any opportunity to tell each of them that the other likes them/is proud of them/etc It's hard to love someone you think doesn't like you. I've also encouraged DH to give DD the odd bit of money for treats, as that makes her very happy.

• Accepting that DH won't ever love DD quite as much as I do, but that that's OK. He's kind to her and wants the best for her, and is overall a positive influence in her life. That's good enough.

candlelights this is the sort of approach we have too. The difference is there, but we all work on it, and we all try hard. I agree though about always jumping to their defence, I always do this, even when they are in the wrong I then have to explain to dp! And tell the dd in question what I did was instinct, and that dp was actually right to tell them off (slightly, for whatever minor thing they did). Tis a minefield, but we can only do our best!

Your post resonates with me.

I was in exactly the same position as you OP. I was a single mum to my then 4yo DD and then had a baby and (almost married) my DS’s dad.
He was lovely with DD up until I was around 6 months pregnant and then he changed. Everything she did was wrong, she annoyed him, she talked too much, he recoiled when she touched him or reached out for a hug.
It didn’t end well... I remember looking at my beautiful little girl’s crumpled expression one day at breakfast after he had berated her for just being her. Then I noticed that my kind, confident little girl was becoming a shell of herself - she was nervous and anxious and desperate to please.
The saddest part was the more irritated he got with her the more she wanted her to love him.
I honestly think it won’t change, sorry. Some people when they have their own child become instinctively protective of them... like the lions who want to kill off the previous offspring. You have to consider the needs of both your children... keep a careful eye on his behaviour toward her because it can quickly turn into bullying and your DD doesn’t deserve that.

Also I’m concerned that you’re referring to her as annoying or irritating at times... I found myself thinking this way when I lived with my ex because I wanted our relationship to work - I didn’t want to be a single mum of 2 kids... so I would agree with him at times and found myself thinking negatively about my own child.
I left him obviously and it’s taken nearly 3 years to raise my DD’s confidence back up.
Please take on board what I’ve said and protect your child. It may only seem like your DP is tattle-telling to you about your DD but you’d be extremely naive to think she’s not aware of what’s going on and it will be affecting her and her self-esteem

The only advice I can give is for time to work it’s magic. In time it got better, DP took more of an interest in DD and I can say that we both sing from the same hymn sheet now. He treats them both equally as do I, this is something your partner also needs to do, otherwise it will cause huge resentment between the children and the parents also.

Things need to be communicated - sitting and stewing on things is no good. Even then, it took a long time for DP to admit that his behaviour was unacceptable. I moved out with DD for a couple of weeks as I just couldn’t deal with the atmosphere and the glaringly obvious favouritism.

We’ve really turned a corner though, I wouldn’t still be with him if we hadn’t.

It totally depends on how much and how ‘fair’ this is.

The fact that he is telling you he’s told her off is positive. He’s respecting you as her number one parent, checking if it’s ok. He may not be used to disciplining her and feel awkward. And possibly stressed too with the baby. It’s all new to him.

So yeah, I do think you have to help them both. Make sure you handle your daughter as much as you can - to take the load off him. Take your daughter out when he has the baby.