Step Mums and Bitter Ex Wives - My DP gets abused and doesn’t even see it.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It seems taboo to be at all negative about Ex Wives. It’s ok to moan about ex husbands. However some Ex Wives do not want to let go and cause real damage.

I’m in the slow separation from my DP, and recently have realised how much the control and stress from his Ex Wife has caused this split. I wish I’d seen this and acted sooner. As a Ex Wife myself I played down her behaviour, didn’t want to bitch about her, and that was a big mistake. I’m not the OW btw! I guess maybe my experience might resonate with other SMs? Over the years:

• has been really intrusive. Kept her key to our house. Used it until I got DP to tell her to stop. Phoned the landline every single weekend.
• completely ignored my presence. Either blanked me at events, or told her children not to listen to me.
• put down my parenting, encouraged her kids to complain about me. The children started coming out with things like ‘it’s very hypocritical that do such and such...’ and realising it was straight from their mother.
• constantly messaging my DP. Sometimes angry. Sometimes intimate. Asking favours, rewarding DP with baked cakes and telling he was great ‘for looking after us and looking after ‘our baby’ (now 17 years old). Only if he did what she wanted. Telling him he ‘never did anything for the kids’ in front of them if he did not do what she wanted.
• not parenting her kids but dictating what happened in our house. She would tell the kids they only had one mother and I wasn’t to interfere, then boot them out to send them to me while DP was at work.
• we had half the kids full time and all of them every weekend. So she was not the main parent, but believed that she was and got maintenance for all and DP bought her a house.

The result was my step kids have no interest in me and their half brother. DP did stand up to her more and more, which greatly helped. However the ongoing stress of her constant psychological battering - guilt tripping DP, making him feel bad for doing right by me, the competing for her to keep being number one, was too much in the end.

And I’m relieved to be away from the stress even if it means losing someone I love and depriving my son of living with his father. It’s too late for me.

Has anyone found a way to cope? Or is anyone else out there feeling desperate like I was, feeling too bad for even complaining, yet can’t see how to make it better?

Thanks elchan.

OP, sounds like you’ve had a tough time and I wish you happiness and luck for the future. You are not a ‘terrible person’ you’re simply a woman who fell in love with a weak man who was unable to set boundaries with his EW. I’ve been troubled at times as well and have read up on this to try to understand things from the EW’s perspective. This is worth a read:

www.liveabout.com/how-to-recognize-a-toxic-ex-spouse-1103291

The laughable thing is, while they are using all this energy to be bitter, angry and interfere in your lives, they aren’t moving on and rebuilding their own. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person will die.

Good luck x

Just read the article, it describes much of both EW and my Ex. Especially the points on blaming us for everything. Well his EW blames DP but more and more me - as she likes to feel she has a close relationship with DP and blaming me gets out her anger and also gives DP and DSCs doubts over my character.

It doesn’t matter what they are unhappy about, you will get the blame. If they treat their children badly and cause their children to become angry, you will be blamed. If they lose their job, have car trouble or just can’t seem to catch a break, you will be blamed. You may go months at a time without seeing them or talking to them but, you can bet that if something goes wrong, you will be blamed.

E.g. EW ignored one struggling daughter (mad that she’d moved back in with her) and didn’t even notice that she wasn’t going to Uni - when DP noticed and tried to sort it out EW went mental at DP as she said this was all his fault - as she’d chosen to live with her Mum rather than us.

If they choose to ignore the needs of their children, you can bet it will be because of something you said or did.

I think that article should be sent to all bitter Exes.

They might just change their behaviour.

@SandyY2K - god, how i’ve been tempted! Sad thing is I don’t think they really give a sh@t and they think that there behaviour is acceptable.

God, my OH has the latest vitriolic rant last night from the EW. In 5.5 years she’s not done one drop of or pick up of the children. My other half asked if she could pick them up (that would be for the first time in 6 years) in December this year. God.... it all kicked off. Personally I couldn’t be a&sed being that angry or difficult - I have better things to use my energy on.

Good luck all x

Yes good luck Sandy and Northern.

Northern - It’s a bit of a shock when you think things have started to get calmer, and they kick off again. My DP did same, all drop offs, and also STILL picks up all kids every morning from EWs house!! He asked her to take over because our child needed to be in much earlier, and she screamed he never did anything for the kids, in front of the kids, and made one of them cry.

Yep, my OH gets the same. Apparently he’s a ‘shit father’ and maybe he can prioritise his children. He would live to see them more but she refuses to let him see ‘her’ children. She went into hospital for a week (didn’t tell my OH). He found out and offered to look after them. She refused and let a friend stay over. The kids were really upset, but she said it wasn’t in the court order (god I give up)! He had to take her to court to see the kids and she doesn’t ‘allow’ him one minute over what’s stated in the court order.

Same here..... you get lulled into a false sense of security that things are getting better. Then Boom..... another vitriolic rant, that’s all our fault. She couldn’t possibly take any responsibility for her own feelings, emotions or behaviour! Sad really. I’ve realised it’s like dealing with a spoilt child.

There seems to be a pattern! Dps ex exactly the same. A few months of quiet & a bit of civility. Dp thinks it's all beginning to settle & then boom - another massive rant, spate of abusive txts/phone calls, stuff said in front of the kids.
She also does the "I love you more because I don't work & I'm not in a relationship" thing.
Her latest kick off had her going on about how he's always going on holidays without the kids - all because he and I went away together with NO kids for 3 nights. She also said this in front of the kids, completely ignoring the fact that he has taken them on a long foreign holiday & at least 3 weekends away every year since their separation. I find it so weird that she actually seems to believe her own bs & expects others to also.
🙄

My soon to be ex husband had ex partner who pretended to be reasonable not loads of demands but always subtly undermining our relationship. 1st time we ever went away together with the children ( 1st holiday we took them ) she called at the airport bright and breezy but also managed to say to partner you always said children were you re priority and it seems they re not now . She did it like - not making a fuss just an observation - he then felt guilty even though it was a weekend and he had kids 50% and did all stuff re kids schools drs etc . Smiling assassin

That should be 1st time we ever went without them .

@Eddie1940 - yup have had that too. Weekends that we don't have the kids & if they mention to her we're away at a concert or overnight stay she always txts/phones to say there's something wrong with their youngest. There never is but used to leave dp feeling awful.
He's wiser to her now.

Weekends that we don't have the kids & if they mention to her we're away at a concert or overnight stay she always txts/phones to say there's something wrong with their youngest. wow so similar! Yet DP not wise.

DP took me out twice last year. Took his daughters out once a week, about 50 times! EW still told him he had no interest. The one time he took me to the cinema his youngest complained she wasn’t invited, backed up by EW.

Bananas Im so sorry, I've changed my name but remember how supportive you were to me.

DH ex is the same. I'm not to be listened to, weaponising if she doesn't get her way, tries to ask favours, a shoulder to cry in from dh but I said only talk about your son as she is not your wife I am. We are close to splitting because dh says it's sorted and it's only because she has decided not to lash out now and that's because he doesn't call her out on being two hours late or not passing on invites etc.

Thank you flying - I’m sorry your DH has to totally appease her just to stop the conflict. I think that’s what they call giving in to abuse! At least, hopefully, he is united with you and supporting your relationship.

My DP gets caught out as all his Ex does want to talk about is the kids - but it’s how upset/neglected she is ‘about the kids’ - and then how alone she is, how hard it is etc. She will call or text at midnight or 6am and then demand they talk. DP emotionally supports her in a way that is totally inappropriate. She’s basically making sure she can still control and get her needs met through DP. Draining and I’m heartily sick of it.

I think you're well shot of him, because I see this as his doing rather than the ex's. She's in the wrong but he permits it. He should've had boundaries in place and not given into 'blackmailing'.
My ex would never tolerate any of this from me, nor would I of him. We are amicable and were good friends but I needed to back off when he got with DS1's stepmum. He's 100% committed to her, so if I started texting or ringing him, he just wouldn't reply or answer. We both know which days DS1 is with me, or him so apart from school stuff, there isn't much to talk about. I have DD by another ex. He is a different story- a complete nightmare. But again, I just don't play into his hands and keep communication to the bare minimum.
I really think that some men must secretly love a bitter ex lingering in the background, as it isn't hard to just ignore.
I'm sorry you've had a crap time but it must be a huge relief to be free from all the stress and not knowing where the next intrusion was coming from.

Thanks Estellanpip. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders actually. Sad as it is, and sad for our son who needs a lot of intensive care (special needs) - the extra stress of having DP pulled back all the time by EW and his kids just makes me want to leave him to it. It really has come to that!

I just want to focus on the family that I have and be positive. I’ve just booked a holiday for me plus the two kids. Just local, simple. Without anyone else’s drama, bliss!

Good God why are women like this?! My mother was the nightmare ExWife, my poor Dad tolerated no end of her shit. As a result I’m the complete opposite with my ex. He’s been single for a few years now but I want nothing more than for him to find someone who loves him our kids as much my Step Mum loves my Dad and me! Why do people not want that?! Baffles me.

Good God why are women like this?

It's awful isn't it. Yet some people (on MN) think women are always at fault in relationship issues.

Really it's no surprise the relationship ended.I think most men move on a lot quicker, while most women are intent on being bitter and using the children as a weapon.

I guess it's because the ex wife sees the new woman having the future she had imagined was going to be hers...

In my case the exw thinks I deliberately went after dp so I could have the luxury lifestyle... As she put it 'you just want my life'... She fails to see that I am a professional equal to my dp, I don't need his money, that in fact the reason he and I are such a good match is because we are equals, in most ways... And though I am sure there were lots of faults on both sides causing her and dp to split, the fact he carried the relationship and family certainly led to him falling out of love for her... Long long before I was on the scene.

So she no doubt had a future in her head and she didn't want to split up, she does not want to look after herself, my dp was supposed to do that.... Now she sees him happy, living the life she thought she was entitled to by dint of marrying him, but with me and she can't bear it.

She refuses to move on because that would mean owning some responsibility for the marriage failure and her own behaviour... Easier to stay bitter and full of anger

@theredjellybean - so spot on & is exactly the same in my case.
My dp also says the fact he had to 'carry' his exw led to him losing respect for her; that it was heartbreaking to be away working all week & to come home to no food in the house bar rubbish for the kids & shopping bags (for her) clogging up the bedroom. It was never that he expected her to work as she wanted to be a sahm - but he did expect her not to spend everything on herself! When he suggested she get a part time job (the kids were all in school at this stage) if she felt she wanted more money for clothes etc. she told him that it was his job to provide for her!?!
She was quite happy to be divorced from him until he met, me as in her head I'm now the threat to her using dp as a cash cow. Silly woman can't seem to understand I have my own income & can provide for my children along with their father!
Honestly, your head would be melted with it all!

@theredjellybean and @Magda72 - god, same with my OH’s EW!

For 10 years (according to my OH) she was difficult in their marriage. She apparently thought it acceptable that her parents stayed with them EW, refused to go back to work (the kids were well into primary school). Yet, demanded a large house (on a private, gated development), new cars, designer clothes and handbags etc etc.....

When my OH (so he tells me) talked to her about how he was feeling and the pressure she was putting him under, he was told to not ruin her weekend. Oh.... and apparently they hadn’t had sex in over 6 years! When he did pluck up the courage to leave she bullied him and stopped him seeing his own children. He now sees her bullying ways.

But, my OH was at fault apparently and he’s ruined her life! Takes no responsibility at all for what went on. It’s sad that these women can take no responsibility for their actions and think they are the victim.

I sort of laugh as I’m the complete opposite. Have always been really independent, I don’t need a man to support me.

Their FMH will be sold in 2 years (court ordered). She was greedy and demanded (when their finances went to court - as she wouldn’t accept an offer) spousal maintenance of £9k a year for 11 years, £150 per month over the CSA amount, 70% of the equity in their home, my OH pay the mortgage in full for 11 years, the FMH was to be sold in 11 years, she wanted a new car and a lump sum. She told a female judge that she couldn’t be expected to work as ‘all mums who work are bad mothers’.

She got a stern talking to by the judge, got told to get a job, the equity was split 62% in her favour, she pays the mortgage as she lives there and the house is sold in 2 years. She didn’t get anything else! Karma is a wounderful thing!

I guess it's because the ex wife sees the new woman having the future she had imagined was going to be hers... gosh jellybean your DPs EW sounds very entitled and spiteful. I know it’s emotionally painful at first, if you didn’t want the split, however her ex is not her slave for life! I’m glad your DP and you have such a respectful and equal relationship.

Northern she does sound like a bully, I wonder if the judge had any effect on getting her to see that it wasn’t on! My DP bought his EW a house outright in her name, generous maintenance of over 15k every year and that’s with us having her kids 70%. DP has a good job but this isn’t within his means, she just guilt trips him and bullies him. He’s realising that now having a massive mortgage himself is crippling him. Unfortunately karma has not caught her up!

It’s as if for some women they feel their ex husband has to look after their needs forever, even when the kids are grown up!

Dp's ex phoned him last night asking for him to come check her household oil & to order her extra for the cold snap if he thinks she needs it!?!
He said no.
🙄

My partners ex has don't nothing but call me from day 1. Wanted to meet me, wanted to know when I was meeting the kids, and wanted to know when the kids was meeting mine. When I was meeting the kids they didn't turn up that weekend. And same when they was meeting my kids.

She wanted to drop the kids at mine, partner said no I said why not she needs to know where I live.
Then she was like Im not driving there there's no need for me to.

Ex knows what she's like but falls back into the trap, coz she's being nice instead of calling me or moaning at him for not doing more when it comes to the kids.

She messages me to moan and bitch I must admit I did the stupid thing and replied but with the view from my bf side.
However, I did once message her to not send threats to my house. As she said she was bring her family with her if my bf decided he wanted to try and keep her kidd.

Then I get told to f off, my partner is a nasty piece of work, he does nothing for the kids, didnt treat her right, didn't pay anything for the kids etc etc etc.

After a week of nicely nicely she kicked off saying iv slagged her off on facebook and to her kids.

I gave her daughter a summer dress for school as it was too small for mine and she told me to bother again she clothes her kids by herself and if i have an opinion with finances I need not bother. I was like wow where the hell did that come from.

She's also said to my ex if I have a problem with her to bring me to her house! (I don't have a problem with her, as such but It does piss me off when ex is upset).

He used to give extra like the kids have dress up day at school he had to buy the outfits, he used to lend her money for petrol coz she didn't have any but she managed to drive 50 mins to pick the money up.

She calls me and bf to the kids or anyone who will listen . She rings his mum saying the kids won't be going.
She's rang his mum saying they would be married now if she didn't hit it.

She's apparen't ly told his mum she still loves him to. But she has a bf herself.

She said the other day that she doesn't let the kids tell my bf what her new bf says about him. And so on and so

But now I'm at the point iv had enough. My anxiety has been through the roof this week and it's driving me crazy.

Iv told my ex he needs to sort it but he says I won't see the kids. He sticks up for me when she calls me but to be honest I think that makes her worse.

But if she says he's not having the kids friday then texts friday to say pick them up he gos to get them. He wants to see his kids and she knows it so does what she's wants to

I need to know how to block her out and fast. I told my bf that I no longer what to know what she says about me. And no longer want to know what gos on with them regrading the kids.
I was ment to be seeing the kids this weekend but iv told him I don't want to.

I know I shouldn't be I'm worried she's gonna mither the kids then dream something else up to call me about.

Magda so pleased he said No - he’s not her husband anymore! Unfortunately my DP would have gone round straight away, his EW would have said it’s for the kids well-being.

louw sounds like a nightmare. I hope you can block her out - no mention, no contact. Can your BF go to court to get a more regular schedule?