Step Mums and Bitter Ex Wives - My DP gets abused and doesn’t even see it.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It seems taboo to be at all negative about Ex Wives. It’s ok to moan about ex husbands. However some Ex Wives do not want to let go and cause real damage.

I’m in the slow separation from my DP, and recently have realised how much the control and stress from his Ex Wife has caused this split. I wish I’d seen this and acted sooner. As a Ex Wife myself I played down her behaviour, didn’t want to bitch about her, and that was a big mistake. I’m not the OW btw! I guess maybe my experience might resonate with other SMs? Over the years:

• has been really intrusive. Kept her key to our house. Used it until I got DP to tell her to stop. Phoned the landline every single weekend.
• completely ignored my presence. Either blanked me at events, or told her children not to listen to me.
• put down my parenting, encouraged her kids to complain about me. The children started coming out with things like ‘it’s very hypocritical that do such and such...’ and realising it was straight from their mother.
• constantly messaging my DP. Sometimes angry. Sometimes intimate. Asking favours, rewarding DP with baked cakes and telling he was great ‘for looking after us and looking after ‘our baby’ (now 17 years old). Only if he did what she wanted. Telling him he ‘never did anything for the kids’ in front of them if he did not do what she wanted.
• not parenting her kids but dictating what happened in our house. She would tell the kids they only had one mother and I wasn’t to interfere, then boot them out to send them to me while DP was at work.
• we had half the kids full time and all of them every weekend. So she was not the main parent, but believed that she was and got maintenance for all and DP bought her a house.

The result was my step kids have no interest in me and their half brother. DP did stand up to her more and more, which greatly helped. However the ongoing stress of her constant psychological battering - guilt tripping DP, making him feel bad for doing right by me, the competing for her to keep being number one, was too much in the end.

And I’m relieved to be away from the stress even if it means losing someone I love and depriving my son of living with his father. It’s too late for me.

Has anyone found a way to cope? Or is anyone else out there feeling desperate like I was, feeling too bad for even complaining, yet can’t see how to make it better?

@Bananasinpyjamas11 - very good, thank you! No man, all on my own in my own little house with no-one telling me what to do all day and night.

I don't miss the ex at all.

I don't have kids so it's not the same but it must be hard for you with your own dc to think of.

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through OP. This behaviour from the EX is not in anyway acceptable.

Does your husband realise whats gone in your relationship? Is there any saving it?

Until 4 years ago, I didn’t think these mentally unhinged woman actually existed. I think i’m pretty level headed and rational. But OMG......

My OH has a bat shit crazy EW. He tells me he tried to talk to her during their marriage about how unhappy he was but she refused to discuss. When 2 years later he sat her down and said he was leaving, she told him that if he dared leave her he wouldn’t see the children again. For 2 years she used their children as weapons and made it difficult for him to see thr children - she broke him.

He took her to court (after she wouldn’t let their 8 year old daughter speak to him, let alone he see her on her birthday). They now have a court ordered contact order. Now much of her control and power and her dictating with regards to the children has been taken away.

She does breach contact but my OH takes her straight back to court. The last breach (she agreed a holiday for the children with my OH, he booked and paid for it months in advance and then at 10:30pm the night before she emailed him and said he had changed his mind) - he took her to court for that, the judge warned her that her behaviour was unacceptable and if she repeated the behaviour he would take the children off her and they would live with their dad). Oh and the judge awarded costs incl the cost of the holiday to be paid by her (she wrote to him and said what a disgusting person he was taking the children’s maintenance away).

When we got engaged she wrote a vitriolic email to my OH along the lines of ‘how dare he’ and the children were devastated (which is odd because they seemed really pleased when my OH discussed it with them. These are just a few examples....

My OH said he got to the point were he felt physically sick when she texted or emailed.

He went on a course on how to deal with such people and said he learnt that you can’t control these people or their behaviours but you can control your response and feelings.

Since then he only ever communicates via email with her and he does so in a business like manner. He never emotionally responds to her and he only communicates on child matters.

As the partner of my OH I did find it difficult at first, but the way I deal with it is I don’t give her any space in my head. I actually think the woman is so emotionally damaged she has no idea how her behaviour affects those around her (including her own children). 5.5 years since their divorce she’s still so bitter and angry. I detach and let my OH deal with her.

Good luck OP x

Typo - she changed her mind on the holiday! Not he.

Wow northern that’s shocking. I don’t know how you both coped.
My OH said he got to the point were he felt physically sick when she texted or emailed. I’m pleased your DH got out. Maybe it’s time to admit that some of our DPs were in emotionally abusive relationships. Or they become one when the bitterness kicks in.

I admire you for not giving her any space in your head. I would love to do this. Succeeded sometimes. However she’s not so crazy that DP writes her off, she can still pull his strings, and the kids strings, so it felt like my relationships were being eroded. I don’t think she’s damaged, she’s just very good at getting her own way! She has a bf but it’s long distance and that’s part of it, she doesn’t really do ‘on her own’.

My Ex DH was and is pretty bitter, so I’ve experienced this myself. However I protect my relationships from him, and now have no contact at all. It actually takes very little contact just to confirm regular access. I’d love to co parent but if it’s just a way to damage me then it’s better not to at all. And crucially, I feel no guilt to appease him. I have succeeded in getting him out of my head.

If my DP had done this too - it may have helped. However the DSDs also make him feel bad for being with me. Even though I cared for them more than their mother for years. That’s probably the nail in the coffin.

senior I’m so glad you got away really. He was not worth your time - or energy. He sounded very dysfunctional and easily led by his Exes.

winters This woman is clearly bitter and unable to move on and this is chance of the little power she has. Sounds as if she’s trying to break you up
I think she’s succeeded. Although recently I’ve been so relieved to be away from being scapegoated, from the ignoring, the bitching, that being on my own doesn’t feel so bad. Just get me out of it!

Life is too short to be so intruded upon and having to fight and defend myself constantly. I don’t even miss my DSDs anymore. I was really sad for a time. I think I felt terrible to be so rejected and the indifference was deafening. So much vitriol. For example - All my DSDs did nothing at all for their young half brothers birthday. They are all adults. Not a card or text. No popping in to say hi. However as I hadn’t held a huge party, I chose to take DS out to a child’s activity, all the DSDs and Ex bitched about how I’d excluded them, how selfish I was. DP didn’t notice not one of his daughters thought of him. And apologised that we hadn’t had a party. (DS never liked the parties). It’s so depressing...

Northern it sounds like our situations are very similar! My DP's ex has an incredible ability to revise history; even though it was a mutual decision to split, she frequently mentions how he 'abandoned' her and the DC, and uses this point to undermine him the best she can. She never accepts any responsibility for her behaviour, and I think this is because she fundamentally believes that anything she does is ultimately his fault because he left. This leaves her in the comfy position of being eternally blameless, meaning she can act however she wants and it must be in the 'best interests of the children', because he forfeit all ability to do this when he left.

I do believe that being able to survive these exes comes down to being a team and forming (and demonstrating) a completely united front. You must both see their behaviour for what it is, and respond in a way that you both believe is right. If you're not on the same page on this point, you may not come out of it alive.

@sothisisnew - totally agree with you.

I have viewed some terrible behaviour from the EW (always in the background, I never get involved). Yes, my OH left her and he feels terrible guilt over that. But you can’t ‘force’ someone to stay with you (even though she tried by using the children).

The sad thing is while they are ‘victims’ and wallow in their bitterness, they won’t move on and rebuild their lives. My OH is to blame for everything (she was mid 30’s when he left and she still talks about how he has runined her life). Takes no responsibility for her own feelings, behaviour or actions. It’s like dealing with a child who hasn’t emotionally developed.

It’s 5.5 years now since my OH got divorced, things are now better but we do regularly get a vitriolic email or rant about something. When we got engaged my DSD told me ‘mummy and I have discussed it and we agree it won’t last’. I wounder as the kids get older will they recognise this behaviour?

Good luck. They don’t make it easy for us but I do think they make us stronger.

You must both see their behaviour for what it is, and respond in a way that you both believe is right. If you're not on the same page on this point, you may not come out of it alive.

I’m sorry you’ve had this too. You are so right much of this comes down to being united with your DP. It’s still difficult, but she then does not get to divide and conquer.

Unfortunately this is the main issue for us and we have not survived. DP took to basically hiding his communication with his Ex, literally deleting messages, not telling me when he visited her. He’d not discuss what she said and I do believe that he started taking on board her views, which were very much ‘you are not doing enough, I need you’ etc. In his mind it was ‘best’ not to stress me, but all it did was make me feel a total outsider, and start labeling me as just making a fuss and Ex was not really a problem. That it was me that had a problem and me that was jealous etc. Complete denial. The last time we spoke he said that he ‘had a duty to keep the peace with his Ex’. Which was appeasing her anger.

Very sad really.

Northern absolutely. I am a pretty rational person, so I find it very difficult to understand how she continues to behave in this way. Surely she can see that it is potentially very damaging to the DC and to herself?!

If she continues to refuse to accept the situation and make the best of it, she will never move on. She will continue to feel angry about the fact that he has, an anger that will only get more bitter as he continues to do so and she stands still.

Bananas My DP and I had a few conversations about whether he should be sharing her comms with me, especially when she would say horrible things about me. We came to the conclusion that he had to share it (though maybe not every single word she used!), or it would lead to exactly what you've described. Let's not forget t's a very hard situation for anyone where your DP's ex openly hates you and tells him so, even when there aren't any children involved!

It's a difficult line to tread, between keeping the peace and trying to cultivate a positive relationship with a co-parent for the DC and simply keeping your own relationship with them going, due to feelings of guilt or any other reason. It sounds like your DP wasn't on the right side of this line, and I'm sorry for that. It does sound like you're very much better off without it

Also Northern the children will definitely see this clearly when they're older, but they're so young now that it's cold comfort for my DP!

Well if your man is anything like my ex - he bent over backwards to accommodate his ex, and made me out to her to be the baddie.

I guess that was easier than saying No to her. & let's face it, if he'd wanted to directly say no to her demands then he would have. He just found it easier to say No via a 'scapegoat partner'.

That's also good for keeping an ex on board, which is what this type of man does. I've seen that dynamic played out a few times. She wouldn't be so privy to your relationship if he didn't want her to be.

I was glad to be rid of it all. My current relationship is far more peaceful. Don't blame women for the actions of weak, sly men who will be with you whilst painting you as a villain OP. Open your eyes and see life as it is. After all, you're going to be described as a bitter ex too aren't you.

Its all about manipulation and whoever he gets into a relationship with, his ex will be 'there' because that's what he wants. It doesn't make the man good and the woman bad. Look at the common denominator and there's your answer.

sothisis I hope that the children will have a stable view when they are older, however it can be confusing, seeing their mums actions will require them to lose some loyalty. That’s very hard.

I am so pleased that your DP was open with you. You could both a) see it for what it was (and your DP not minimize it) and b) you could understand what was going on and be part of trying to manage it.

mistress I do see what you are saying. There is an element of that with my DP, the more he hid it, the more he minimised it, the more it seemed to him I was overreacting as otherwise he’d have to face up to the fact that he was becoming her puppet. Quite emasculating.

He did show me his recent messages though. It was quite clear he was trying to keep good boundaries. However she was sending him text after text telling him he had no interest in his kids and did nothing for them. He’d reply that he’d talked to them and she’d reply that she needed to talk to him regularly in person. And that he needed to keep going to her as it was not up to her to ask... so he meets and calls and she texts how wonderful he is. That one of the kids was so depressed etc. (not).

So I would definitely say she’s manipulating this and not DP. She is needing a lot of attention from him. Using the kids if he does not respond. DP is a good man. However he’s buried his head in the sand and all I thought seeing these texts was - I want out. This dynamic will never change.

What I find hard is the patronising from MY friends! "Well you knew he had an ex wife, you knew about his baggage, shes always going to be a part of his life as they have kids together" etc etc. Ughhhh and the constant demands for money for this, that and the other.... surely that's what the child maintenance is for! Makes my blood boil! I just stay out of it now and have told him not to tell me these things... then I can turn a blind eye!

The right way is no contact, email communication if absolutely necessary. And court if contact is refused.

If th ex w spews vile things to the children then they really should be told not to tell you or discuss their mother whilst at dads house.

It’s better for them.

But you don’t need to respond to requests for cash.

As long as you pay in the first place.

If the children discuss it refuse

Hand overs done by a friend/neighbour

Yes, I had to tell dss once that he was old enough to understand that the things his mother said about me were unnecessary and hurtful and that while she can say what she likes I would rather he did not repeat them to me. It was particularly galling when he told me the reactions of all her friends when she had told them all this stuff about me - in front of him.

I didn't mind her asking him for money, that was between them. Until she asked for more maintenance because the was leaving her then bf and would need more for rent (while he lived in the house she had bought with her equity from the house sale) and the time she wanted £800 for a mobile phone for him, to give him 'from her' for Christmas because she had already promised him (he'd been going on about it for ages) and she couldn't afford it, obvs ex said no, so then dss was upset as his dad wasn't letting him have the present his mum had promised.
She did this with holidays too, always promising to take him to Disneyland then saying ex had to pay for it, then telling dss that ex wouldn't pay so they couldn't go.

There is ways around it though.

You just communicate by email and don’t answer questions about money

You don’t discuss Xmas either. You just buy what you buy.

The big mistake is engaging in the first place and expecting a rational response

Don’t get me wrong there will be instances where people parent fine but there’s only one way to deal with a spiteful ex and it’s called don’t feed the dragon!

With no communication she will starve!

Yes I cut contact with me Ex and am better off for it.

My DP gets a lot of emotional blackmail if he backs off. It’s always about the kids, which he has not learnt to ignore. To him it’s the same as ignoring the kids. If he continues to ignore she says she has worries about the kids and needs to talk them through. Tbh she’s really done a number on him and he can’t see it. More fool him.

@QuiteLikeky5 - wise words and totally concour.

My OH call it ‘fueling her fire’. She wants a reaction, as she thinks she still has some hold or level or control. My OH ignores all texts (in fact a judge wrote it into their contact order that they should only communicate via email). She still sends vitriolic texts but my OH ignored. Hardly any need to communicate with her - if there is he does it very business like in an email. Absolutely no emotion. Ignores all personal digs and only responds on child matters. It seems to of worked as it does look like she’s running out of steam!

Good luck all, it is tough. But the way I see it is that we’re the bigger people.

And you know the other thing that really bugs me? - & yes I'll probably get flayed alive for this!
It drives me insane the way there's an expectation that the non resident kids (all our dps kids) are to be treated with kid gloves because life is so hard for them being nr kids! Everyone seems to forget that they are resident kids in another house & that they often have stepdads & siblings & a full family life!
Drives me bloody nuts!
I'm not saying they don't need one on one time with their dads but this attitude that they are somehow more special than any of the other kids involved is just crazy!

Magda- I hear you on that! My SS is important and yes, it must be difficult to not have your dad with you, and living with someone else. But my DD's also have their own shit going on, also have to deal with a blended family and don't get the same allowances. In fact some of the things I've seen written about resident children on here are shocking. All the children should be treated fairly.

Also hear you on the NR kid bit. In fact the less my step kids visited, the more DP fawned over them. Children aren’t stupid, they picked up on this and played on it. I had to have their favourite food, meals, the younger resident kids had second place. Still do.

Just wanted to thank everyone who posted here with all your experiences, thoughts and views. It massively helps! Really really does. I feel like I’m not a terrible person, that the interference is real, and the level of stress is too much.

I don’t talk much about how much EW has been part of our break up, as it can just come across as EW bashing. The mental cost to me of keeping all the fustration inside is pretty high, I think I’ve developed huge anxiety. I have to cope with my relationship breaking up too mainly because the outside stressors from EW and DSCs - rather than DP being terrible (though obviously flawed) and that can be hard to stomach.

However I’m determined to move forward positively and find peace. Getting it ‘out there’ on these boards helps. And acknowledging that it’s been traumatic, so I can take care of myself more in future.

Thanks!

Very much hope all of your futures are positive too.

Good luck with moving forward and I hope it brings you the happiness you and your dc deserve. I think you've done a brilliant job holding it together for as long as you have. I really don't understand how these women can justify being so vitriolic and vicious towards people who are trying their best to keep everyone happy.