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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Re-thinking having a baby due to SC

47 replies

sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 11:26

Hi all,
I have always been firmly ambivalent about having children- I've never felt the urge to procreate, but assumed that it's something I'd do at some point. However, recently I've been reviewing whether it is really something I want. I'm 31.
Background: my DP has 2 DC (5 and 3), who we see EOW and once overnight each week (via court order). I have a good relationship with them and I really love spending time with them. It may not be relevant here, but DP's EW is still very cross, and she does what she can to undermine their relationship with hi, and even more so with me.

I've read a lot that introducing a new baby can bring a lot of risks and issues and I don't want to do anything to adversely affect the DC. Further, I have been given the opportunity to see parenting up close from the children being young, to see both how lovely & rewarding, and just how exhausting, stressful and downright boring it can be! I know that this might feel different with my own children, but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to do it.

It feels like the current situation is good for the children- they get our full attention they're with us, and know that they are the centre of their DF's world. It also works for us- when we're not with the children we can go to work, do grown up stuff & catch up on sleep- the latter which I'm finding is a definite plus for me: after even a weekend with the smalls I end up napping with the younger DC...

I know no one will be able to tell me what to do here, but has anyone else been through a similar thought process? Is it mad that I would make a decision about having a baby based on my DP already having children? Or is it sensible?

No general SM flaming please, I've heard it all before on here. I'm just trying to be responsible and do the right thing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2018 11:58

I think it's quite soon to be deciding either way tbh.

If you don't have DC and you split in 10 years time you may never have DC and the SC May disappear from your life. You may always be excluded from SC major life events...

ElChan03 · 18/02/2018 12:07

I worry about this too. No advice unfortunately as I am clueless when the right time would ever be.

Good luck though!

Snowydaysarehere · 18/02/2018 12:46

You shouldn't allow your life to be decided by an angry exw and 2 small people. This is a sure way to end up resenting not just the dc but your dp for having the 'baggage' that stopped you having dc.

Pogmella · 18/02/2018 12:57

How long have you been together and why is she still cross? Presumably You've been together considerably less than 3 years so it seems fast to be thinking about kids.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 13:19

Pogmella, we've been together nearly 2 years. I don't think I have to decide right now, I'm just considering my options for the future. I guess I'll just have to park the decision for now- but I like having a plan!

The ex is angry for the usual reasons. I wasn't the OW.

Random yes that's certainly a risk, but also having a child just in case I can't go to their birthdays seems a bit mad to me. It made me think about the reasons for me to have a child in general.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2018 14:07

It's more being barred from their weddings, not welcome around potential future grandchildren...

I can see the appeal of not having DC at all, certainly not the be all in life!

NorthernSpirit · 18/02/2018 14:09

I’m in my 40’s, don’t have kids of my own. Do have 2 DSC and a very bitter EW in toe. Like you, wasn’t really bothered about having kids and fell in love with a man who already had them.

You have to do what’s best for you. Don’t let an EW and DSC dictate what you should do. Your decision.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 14:26

Random that's such a depressing thought! But yes, it's a risk.

Northern if it was your decision not to have babies, did you go through much soul searching to get there? Do you think you would have had them if you had met someone without them?

Thank you for your responses.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 18/02/2018 15:08

sothis was there an OW? Doesn't seem like your partner had much time in between new baby/affair/new partner if so. You might want to see how it plays out a bit longer first...

Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 15:15

No OW. Not all people (ie men) who get divorced are massive twunts, but thanks for the warning. I'm really just talking about my own views on having babies.

OP posts:
HatsontheWardrobe · 18/02/2018 15:17

If there is hostility between your DP and his ex, you may want to consider how this could impact on any DCs you have.

I don't have DCs with my DH, but I do have a DD from my first marriage, and two SDCs from DHs first marriage, and the impact of his exW's behaviour relating to her DCs on my own DD was far greater than I anticipated.

If your SDCs mum is prone to using the DCs as a weapon - withholding contact, changing arrangements, being difficult with possessions or on special occasions, that will be incredibly difficult for your DC to understand, and in turn, create more tension as you feel defensive of your own DC who will be hurt/upset.

WildWindsBlowing · 18/02/2018 15:24

It sounds perfectly sensible for you not to have children, though you may change your mind with time.

Go by your own feelings though, rather than those you imagine your step DC might have if you were to have a baby. It could potentially even make them feel more secure.

MyLovelyHorseAndNewNameNow · 18/02/2018 15:32

I think that where a parent leaves a 1 year old and a 3 year old child, there's generally going to be hostility, because I doubt that's the deal that the resident parent thought they'd signed up for.

I think this situation will exhaust you - but some years down the line you'll be wondering what you've given up and why. Seen it loads of times on here. I expect you have, too.

HatsontheWardrobe · 18/02/2018 15:42

I think that where a parent leaves a 1 year old and a 3 year old child, there's generally going to be hostility, because I doubt that's the deal that the resident parent thought they'd signed up for.

lovelyhorse Is that based on info from another thread? Because I can't see where the OP has said it was her DP who "left" his exW?

(Apologies for being touchy but I'm frankly sick and tired of men being held accountable - and I say that as someone who chose to end my first marriage, and bought my ex out of the marital home, so of course everyone thinks he "left" us, which could not be further from the truth).

MyLovelyHorseAndNewNameNow · 18/02/2018 15:59

Why else would the ExW be 'still cross'? If it's what his ExW wanted, I don't get why she'd be cross at all, tbh. Surely she would be relieved, happy, moving on? Unless her partner was awful. Which OP doesn't seem to be suggesting.

I think the OP should think of herself, actually. At the moment OP is working around everybody else's needs.

And yes, I have seen it happen in my RL and feel sorry for the woman concerned.

Pogmella · 18/02/2018 16:04

Hey I only thought there was an OW because you said 'the OW' like there was one... You can focus on your own views on babies absolutely- but unless you use a sperm donor the other party's behaviour and choices can massively affect things! For instance if you imagine having your children resident with you all the time, your partner could decide if you split to go for 50:50, completely changing the type of relationship you'd have with your kids. If he's a decent guy this is less of a risk, but with his youngest so very young and you moved in together it does sound like a succession of fairly rapid life changes. Maybe consider whether you want kids on your own or with a partner?

HatsontheWardrobe · 18/02/2018 16:08

Why else would the ExW be 'still cross'? If it's what his ExW wanted, I don't get why she'd be cross at all, tbh. Surely she would be relieved, happy, moving on?

You'd think, wouldn't you? But it doesn't always work out like that.

I was pissed off with my ex when he started internet dating a few days after telling me he couldn't live without me.

Fortunately, I had an awesome counsellor who helped me rationalise things, but I've known plenty of women who've initiated a split (or given their spouse grounds for divorce) only to be cross when the exH hasn't followed their script for what life "post divorce" should look like.

In particular, I picked up that the OP says there's a court order for contact - family court is an adversarial process and can create long term animosity.

Pogmella · 18/02/2018 16:17

I guess as a mother i'd hope that my ExH (so your DP) would be thinking about this, not you. You decide what you want, leave it to him to put his kids 1st. If you think you want kids and its not right for his kids but he seems fine with it, maybe consider that you might have different parenting values already?

EllieMe · 18/02/2018 16:18

I shouldn't let a bitter ex influence your thinking at all. If you want children have them. She'll have to put up with it.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 16:22

Sorry Pogmella, I can see why you thought that. The reason I mentioned that I wasn’t but the OW is that that’s what the first qu always seems to be on these Confused

I didn’t mention the circs of their split as I don’t think it’s relevant- there was no affair, addiction, DV etc

I am definitely trying to work out if I would want a child if I weren’t with my DP or in my current situation, but that’s actually very hard to do. I certainly don’t feel a desperate need to have a child on my own. It’s just something I’ve assumed I would do, as I imagine many people do. Now I’ve seen it up close and have a real set up that I very much want to stick with and do my best for, I’m not sure I do want to have a child. If I had met someone without children I probably would have not thought about it much and assumed that I wouldn’t all be fine. At least that’s a lot simpler to start with!

OP posts:
Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 16:24

If you think you want kids and its not right for his kids but he seems fine with it, maybe consider that you might have different parenting values already?

Ok I was right to call projection! Please don’t worry worry about my relationship, this is not what my question is about.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 18/02/2018 16:29

Just wanting to add that growing up I always thought I would have children.
My 20s came and went with no desperate urge kicking in, my 30th, my nephew being born and whilst I spent loads of time with him, still no overwhelming urge.

Then a few months after I was 32 bam hit me like a brick!

Basically make a decision that feels right for right now, but don't think you can't change you mind in 6/12/18/24/48 months or more!

Some of our decisions can feel so immeniate and very absolute. Really they don't have to be

Pogmella · 18/02/2018 16:33

Yeah your relationship now... parenting changes stuff.

If you want kids is one question.

If you want kids with him is a second. And your relationship is a huge factor in that. How is that projection?

FinallyHere · 18/02/2018 16:36

I am definitely trying to work out if I would want a child

I took a firm decision to wait until i felt i really wanted children, before bring any more into the world.

Hasn't happened yet, am now 57 and entirely happy with my decision. I guess that if I had wanted them, I would have known. Hope you find what works for you.

Original poster
sothisisnew · 18/02/2018 16:40

Thanks Foody- I guess I’m looking for an immediate answer when there isn’t one, I’ll just have to wait and see.

Pogmella as you’re making assumptions about my DP. I haven’t mentioned how he feels about any of this. For the record, we have talked about all of this and we’re clear that we would do everything we could to make the DC feel secure, and make all of them feel equal. I’m just trying to work out how I feel about it, which is when I’m asking here.

OP posts: