Re-thinking having a baby due to SC

[sothisisnew]

Hi all,
I have always been firmly ambivalent about having children- I've never felt the urge to procreate, but assumed that it's something I'd do at some point. However, recently I've been reviewing whether it is really something I want. I'm 31.
Background: my DP has 2 DC (5 and 3), who we see EOW and once overnight each week (via court order). I have a good relationship with them and I really love spending time with them. It may not be relevant here, but DP's EW is still very cross, and she does what she can to undermine their relationship with hi, and even more so with me.

I've read a lot that introducing a new baby can bring a lot of risks and issues and I don't want to do anything to adversely affect the DC. Further, I have been given the opportunity to see parenting up close from the children being young, to see both how lovely & rewarding, and just how exhausting, stressful and downright boring it can be! I know that this might feel different with my own children, but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to do it.

It feels like the current situation is good for the children- they get our full attention they're with us, and know that they are the centre of their DF's world. It also works for us- when we're not with the children we can go to work, do grown up stuff & catch up on sleep- the latter which I'm finding is a definite plus for me: after even a weekend with the smalls I end up napping with the younger DC...

I know no one will be able to tell me what to do here, but has anyone else been through a similar thought process? Is it mad that I would make a decision about having a baby based on my DP already having children? Or is it sensible?

No general SM flaming please, I've heard it all before on here. I'm just trying to be responsible and do the right thing.

No not really, I didn't cover all the options as seemed like overkill.

Neither of you want kids: No problem.
You both want kids and have no concerns about his kids: No problem
You want them but he doesn't: Not something you can fix
You don't think it's right due to his kids BUT he thinks it's fine: there's the potential rub, a sign you may differ over other issues as things progress. Maybe not a deal breaker, but worth considering.

*MyLovelyHorseAndNewNameNow

Why else would the ExW be 'still cross'? If it's what his ExW wanted, I don't get why she'd be cross at all, tbh.*

My DP ex ended the relationship (loveless relationship apparently) but is incredibly angry that he has moved on and she is still single. I think she anticipated leaving him and finding the man of her dreams - she didnt and he has since met me. We have a good relationship and the kids seem to like me which she also doesn't like. People can be angry for all sorts of reasons.

OP - SC has put me off the idea of having my own kids too. I love them but I do look forwards to the weekends they are not here more than the weekends that they are...

Thanks everyone.

I guess I’m not sure how to separate me wanting a baby and me wanting a baby in the situation I’m in now. For example, I know I don’t want a baby on my own. Is it then wrong to say that I don’t think a baby would definitely be the right choice for my current relationship?

I guess if I were in a simpler relationship I would have a baby/children, but I can’t say the reason wouldn’t be that old chestnut- the fear of regretting not having them. I have more information now by being close to the DC, and more to think of other than just me.

I may be rambling now, apologies...

Flipping Foal it sounds like your set up works well! I’m glad to know it’s not just me.

Why else would the ExW be 'still cross'? If it's what his ExW wanted, I don't get why she'd be cross at all, tbh

My Dsd's mother was the one who had the affair and left for the OM who it turned out was having lots of affairs and left her pretty quickly. When I got together with DSD's father, the ex wife was extremely jealous and cross over the fact he was happy and moved on and she was still alone.
A woman I used to be friends with left her DH because he was currently unemployed and struggling to find work, then was extremely cross when he met someone new and got a well paid job. The woman who used to live next door to us left her partner because he couldnt get her pregnant and is still cross that he has met somone new who already had DC and he is being a brilliant step dad.
What is with the assumption that women can't just be nasty and that in some way it always has to be the mans fault?

I had heard of women divorcing husbands hoping they'd 'crash and burn' - and vice versa - but that means lots of 'unfinished business' unfortunately for new partners.

I think your current set up sounds pretty good - as you say, full attention for the existing children (who will never remember a time without you in their lives) and child free time when they are with their mum. You can have lovely relationships with them and not have children of your own. Sounds fine to me.

Thanks George!

I too have a dp who’s ex is now furious that he’s moved on even though their split was mutual. I think a lot of people don’t realize how final divorce is until one partner moves on & then the s**t hits the fan. My dp’s ex didn’t want him but she seemed to think he’d always be at her beck & call & ready with the chequebook & when reality didn’t live up to her fantasy she got the land of her life. Bitterness is not solely caused by OW or men ‘leaving’!
Op - I have 3 dc (so in a different situation to you) & my dp has 3 also.
My kids are my world but parenting is exhausting, as you are finding out. Co-parenting (even successfully as in my case) is hugely exhausting emotionally as you’re having to deal with someone on a regular basis whom you chose to separate from! In any other relationship you’d never have to see them again!
Dp & I would LOVE a child together but have made the very difficult but definite decision not to go down that road.

I personally couldn’t cope with the way his ex would inevitably react - she gives us no peace at all at the moment & is constantly in our business about money, the kids, our engagement, where we live etc. & she says vile things to his dc about my dc which I find hugely upsetting. It would be so much more difficult with a baby involved. It breaks my heart but it’s the right decision for us & our situation.
As others posters have pointed out if you don’t have kids you could regret it some day but if you’re feeling that having kids with this man in this situation is not for you then trust your gut.
There are so many women on here really struggling with having had a baby with their dp & then finding that bitter exes (& sometimes sdc) persist in trying to make their lives hell.

Thanks Magda- it sounds like you’re doing your best in a difficult situation. I hope things get better for you- and that goes for everyone who has posed in similar situations

I have been in a similar dynamic. I would and did make my decision based on me and my partner. I didn't rely/project on the type of relationship I would have with SC- especially with volatile ex.. it may all change as they Grow. What happens if god forbid they turn against their father when older and spend less and less time with you both? To sacrifice having children so as not to rock the boat seems like a act potentially no one will ever thank you for.
Personally I also know that having a child 3/4 nights a fortnight when they also have a very active present mother is nothing like having your own Children.
I made my decision independently.. and I really suggest you do the same

I never wanted to have DC and then ended up marrying DH who has a DD. She is now 7 and we have her 5/14. DSD and I love each other very much and she treats me just like her other 3parents. All my family sees how great I am with her us and it gives them hope that I'll have one of my own now. However for me it just confirms I don't want my own DC. I love that I get the nicest parts about being a parent and can leave the really crap stuff to DH. I still get to be me 9/14. I can work all the hours I want, gym, see friends, family etc without having to worry about childcare or feeling I'm neglecting her because she is happily with her mum. I also know if I did have a DC DSD would be very jealous and be very unsettled by it. Poor thing still struggles with her mum having a baby.

I think SC can give you a great eye opener into what parenting is actually about. It also give you insight into what your DH is like as a dad and if your parenting styles match. The Your still young enough OP to wait a few years and see how your family dynamic would or wouldn't work with DC of your own and decide if being a stepmum is enough.

Thank you

Apologies if you’ve already said but how old are you?
You sound very sensible and I agree you’ve had a pretty good insight into what having kids are like. Except that when they are your own you find this love which is completely guttural. I would worry if you and your do split up you would have no automatic right to these step kids that you’d come to love and could lose out. If you and your do stay together you may love them like you would have done your own - time would tell.
I think if you are young enough wait a while. Although be careful he doesn’t get to an age where his are so old he doesn’t want to go back to the baby stage.
I would worry a bit about a man who splits up with an ex with a 1 year or younger. Just because the first few years are shit and you’d want your partner to be in it for the tough times as well as the good.
Does he want more kids?!

Oh sorry see you’ve said you are 31. It’s likely you’ve got time to wait then.

I would say also that you’re seeing the harder bits of parenting without the fuzzy feelings that come when it’s your own kids. About s million times in ds’s first year I said something like ‘god it’s a good job he’s so cute and I love him so much because otherwise he’d be left out for the wolves.’

Not meaning that to say your step kids aren’t lovely, I’m sure they are, but you’re seeing the hard stuff without the biological surges of love. Other people’s kids can be difficult, even kids you love and are building a relationship with.

I think you have time. Consider how you’d feel if dp left you and you were unable to have them. But don’t make a call just yet - youve time

I'm in a similar position, older stepkids though and get on ok with their mum.

I always assumed the urge to have children would hit me as I got older, but I turn 37 and it still hasn't.

Like having the kids around, like doing things with them and we take them on holiday with us, etc. But experiencing how difficult it can be at times too, makes me appreciate the time we get alone.

I do sometimes think one of my own would be nice, but I'm not sure I want it enough to give up my free time completely, and having been around people with a visible maternal urge, it makes me realise I don't have that urge yet.

I always knew I wanted children but I was never in right circumstances till I met Dh but I was then in my 40’s so too late . He had 2 dsd so I thought it would be lovely having them in my life . The children came to live with us full time not long after we got married . It was really tough - as the children got older I struggled with lack of influence and my Dh had very clear ideas about their upbringing. We argued a lot about different expectations and in the end I always felt the outsider . The dsd s idealise their mum who they saw twice last year while I was doing all the heavy lifting of parenting and working full time . Outcome is me and Dh have now seperated and after 10 years it’s unlikely I ll see dsd s again .

Regardless if DSC, cross EW and so on don't have a baby unless you really want one. They are hard work!

Maybe seeing the SC up close has given you the insight to the real
World of parenting which is fine and I think you’re right to not want to TTC immediately. Whether or not you decide to in a year or two or even more I can’t say. And I don’t think you need to either.
The only choice you need to consider is “would it be right to have a child soon?” And I think you’re deciding the answer is No.
Enjoy your SC and your new relationship and see what the future holds. You sound like a nice person so I wish you all well, don’t doubt yourself.

Thanks everyone

@sothisisnew
I totally understand how you feel. However, I already have children.

My ex has a partner and eventhou it was hard knowing another woman would be a mother figure in their life was hard but I got over it as all I wanted was she treat them nice.

My partners ex does nothing but call me or say things to my partner her and her kids etc. Like I'm an issue.

My partner and I have spoken about having a child but I have just seen my kids and how they was with their dad and new partner having a baby. And thats with me being happy for them all. It still affected the kids. So if my partners ex is still like she is now I know it will be hard for us all.

And I do worry about his kids and how they would feel through it all. Eventhou they like me or are good at pretending haha.

But my partner always says we can't let her dictate our future which is true. But I can only just put up with her dramas now never mind with hormone changes to.

I had a baby with my DP a few years ago. I also already had DS from a previous relationship. I was uncertain at first, in fact I did not want to be with DP for a long time and he had to pursue me! I very much wanted another child, my DS was dying for a sibling and I was wanting to create a family relationship. I felt my DP, with 3 teenage daughters and a needy EW was not in the same place. Although he was ultra keen to have a baby and me move in. And on hindsight I was right. He has too many demands on him that are not lessening even now the DSDs are young adults.

I think you are asking the wrong question. Your DSDs will follow their parents lead. The question is, are you, your DP and his EW going to be able to help create a space for you and the baby in the existing, separated family? Will your DP be able to form a strong team with you, only you, and resist any conflict thrown up by his EW? Are the children fairly well parented, including discipline or are they indulged?

You and DP are key. If you are strong enough to take any undermining attempts from his EW or through over indulged children, then go for it! In my experience my DSDs loved having a baby around. They will be happy if they have stability and a Dad who rebuffs conflict.