To expect someone to deal with this?

[MrsMaxwell]

I love my step daughters. They are 11 and 13 and they come EOW and school holidays.

Home life for them is not great and we are in a very complicated situation - my husband lives in the town they live in during the week (so sees them, picks them up from school etc) and then comes back here weekends.

DSD1 is 13 and still wets the bed. I find this hard as I hate watching her struggle, she can’t go on sleepovers/residentials, the washing is a PITA and I feel frustrated that even though OH got her an appt at the specialist at the hospital her mum didn’t take her.

We never tell her off for wetting the bed and she is quite open with us about it. I know at home she gets told off and she hides it.

She wet the bed this weekend and unbeknown to us had taken two silk cushions off the sofa and put them under her two pillows (she can and knows she can have as many pillows as she wants) and these got soaked with wee. Rather than telling us so we could wash them with the bedding she just put them back on the leather sofa and her sister sat in them and realised she was getting wet and also stank of wee, as does the sofa.

I feel so bloody disappointed with her that she did that - it’s so disgusting, and there was absolutely no need. I have had to throw the cushions out as they are feather.

I know the issue here is the bed wetting and I think my frustration is probably really about that. DH has offered to take her back to the GP this week which has been rebuffed by his ex who says she never does it at home which I find really difficult to believe.

Suggesting we move is not fair on my own kids.

Your husband lives in the same town as them in the week, so I dont think anyone has suggested moving is neccessary for you anyway, There are lots of other things you could be doing for you dsd's though.

The Fraser Guidelines are applied to any medical intervention including sexual health and counselling, you cannot be deemed Fraser Competant at aged 13, from 14 you can.
As I thought, this is incorrect. There is no age that determine at what age you can give consent, as per NHS guidelines below.

www.nhs.uk/nhsengland/aboutnhsservices/documents/consent_%20aguideforparentsdh_4117353.pdf

I think you will find that 13 is a very gray area.

As irrelevant as your banging on about this is to my OP (DSD cannot get to the GP alone anyway!)

Having run a sexual health and counselling service for 8 years I am fairly familiar with the Fraser Guidelines and the fact we don’t refer to them as the Gillick Competances any longer most of the time we do not allow anyone under the age of 14 to have counselling or sexual health services with parental consent - only in exceptional circumstances and with a second opinion would we.

But please go ahead and tell me I am wrong.

Thanks to those who actually helped

*without

GPs go by the same guidelines.

He is her a father, why can't make regular appointments with doctor/dentist and tale her himself?

You can go to any GP as a visitor and they will see you, you register a "temporary address", and they can also see who the current GP is. So, do that. Just do that one thing and take it from there.

THIS IS ONLY ONE SIDE of the story!! I bet her Mum has another perspective. Personally I think you should butt out, it's not really your business. Oh your silk cushion got ruined, deal with it. Parenting this girl is not your responsibility, it's her Mum & dads.

Going to put this out there but she has two parents who don't want to parent her and a step mum who doesn't want her full time any way. The poor child stands no chance! 3 attempts in five years to get the child to a dentist is a pretty piss poor excuse TBF.

I genuinely think dad needs to step in and gain full custody! Navy or not, the poor thing needs a more stable environment.

GPs go by the same guidelines.
No they don't. DD has been attending medical school and this comes up regularly in ethical classes. The response is very clear that it is up to the Medical Practitioner to decide whether the child is able to give consent for themselves. Your service might have decided that 14 was the age limit, but that doesn't mean that this is a legal status and a 13 yo refused to be seen without a parent and without consideration as to whether she was Gillick competent could have challenged the service.

In any case, as you say, this is irrelevant in your case if your SDS wouldn't be comfortable going on her own any way, but that is not the issue since you say she'd be happy for your DP to take her, all she needs is to ask her mother who her GP is, and I'm sorry OP but I don't believe that she is so frightened of her mum that she wouldn't even ask her that if she was as bothered with the situation as you say she is.

I also don't believe that your DP would have left it at that if he also was so bothered. All he would need to do is make a request to the local CCG, with evidence of parental responsibility, requesting the information. Alternatively, he could have just called all the local practices (can't be that many) and make an appointment. All they can say is 'sorry, I can't find her detail on our system) and he could just apologise and say he got it wrong until he got to the right surgery. He hasn't been trying very hard so far, maybe he will do so now if indeed, he thinks the issue is becoming critical.

OP I’m not sure what you are trying to ask for here. Your DSD has medical issues that are not being addressed. Listing how difficult that is for your DP, and how impossible it is to talk to her Mum, however true that may be - still leaves the fact that your DSD is not getting medical help.

You can take a child to a GP even if she is not registered. Your DP has guardianship and can take her to an appointment. Discuss her case and also flag up his concerns that her mother has not sought medical advice. It is very important that he does this. Then together with professionals they can work out the best way forward.

Same with a dentist. Plenty of private dentists have evening, early morning or Saturday appointments. He can also take her out of school - to attend - he’s a guardian, his right. The initial appointment will flag up any further work. Again, this is very important. How she gets dental work ongoing is the next issue. If the mum seriously ignores this then he can contact social services and ask for their help.

Then he can put his hand on his heart and say - my daughter - I did everything possible to ensure her medical and emotional needs were not neglected. I do not believe that this is the case now. And surely your role as his partner and SM is not to say it’s ok as he is very busy / is away.

Either you are trying to find a solution. And helping DSD.
Or you are just moaning about the situation.

Ultimately it’s not your responsibility- you sound like you are doing the best you can. But it is her parents - including her Dad. Don’t collude in letting him off the hook.

All this talk about the age the child can go to the GP alone is bloody irrelevant, the majority of young teenagers will need an interested adult to make the appointment, arrange the time and sort it with School.

It's not going to happen, the mum is crap and the dad obviously runs the Navy single handed.

Look back to the first two posts, the op is angry about her silk cushions and wants somewhere to rant. Every other post suggests no interest in any possible solutions for her DSD, literally every suggestion has been shot down in flames as impossible.

All this child can hope for is that school notice the neglect and contact social services on her behalf.

and the dad obviously runs the Navy single handed.

Yeah four months with no contact is fucking hilarious.

I came here for supper not for people to take the piss out of military families.

Unless you have lived it you have absolutely no understanding of it.

*support

And a rant - which I had.

No wonder step parents don’t post here.

Haven't read all comments but have read all of ops. Just wanted to say that my dd was a bed wetter until age 15, although from about age 12 it started to be less frequent. Before that it could be as often as twice a night. Have you tried a bed wetting alarm at all? That really seemed to help dd at age 12 even though we'd tried it at age 7, 9, 10 and it didn't really help at those ages initially,

Just really wanted to say that I understand how much of a pain it is with the sheets and washing and it feels never ending. Plus the emotional support for dd as it must be awful at that age to still be wetting. My dd now 16 hasn't wet in just over a year. It just stopped after a last attempt with the alarm and fingers crossed we're in the clear now so seems she has just grown out of it.

One piece of advice we did try also at the same time was ensure dd was drinking a lot more during the day. This helped to train her bladder to hold more apparently which in turn helped her hold more in her sleep. She was also a snorer and not sure how true this is but this also is very common in children who bedwet until quite a lot older.