To expect someone to deal with this?

[MrsMaxwell]

I love my step daughters. They are 11 and 13 and they come EOW and school holidays.

Home life for them is not great and we are in a very complicated situation - my husband lives in the town they live in during the week (so sees them, picks them up from school etc) and then comes back here weekends.

DSD1 is 13 and still wets the bed. I find this hard as I hate watching her struggle, she can’t go on sleepovers/residentials, the washing is a PITA and I feel frustrated that even though OH got her an appt at the specialist at the hospital her mum didn’t take her.

We never tell her off for wetting the bed and she is quite open with us about it. I know at home she gets told off and she hides it.

She wet the bed this weekend and unbeknown to us had taken two silk cushions off the sofa and put them under her two pillows (she can and knows she can have as many pillows as she wants) and these got soaked with wee. Rather than telling us so we could wash them with the bedding she just put them back on the leather sofa and her sister sat in them and realised she was getting wet and also stank of wee, as does the sofa.

I feel so bloody disappointed with her that she did that - it’s so disgusting, and there was absolutely no need. I have had to throw the cushions out as they are feather.

I know the issue here is the bed wetting and I think my frustration is probably really about that. DH has offered to take her back to the GP this week which has been rebuffed by his ex who says she never does it at home which I find really difficult to believe.

Jesus what? in 5 years a man who is a dad has had no possible time to look after the basic health needs of his child.

I guess in answer to the original question op, I wouldn't expect anyone to deal with the situation. I would expect it to get progressively worse until she reaches adulthood. God knows what will happen then.

She has two neglectful parents who have better things to do with their time than look out for their child.

Lunar - get your facts straight before you attack someone.

If you read my OP he has tried his best and managed to get her an appt with the specialist, he wasn’t actually in the country when the appt was and his ex, the resident parent, did not take her to the appt and then moved leaving no forwarding address with the GP.

He is based all over the place and our home is 150 miles away from his children.

I have read your posts, your husband is relying on a clearly neglectful woman to raise his child. By the sounds of it she is doing a crappy job. Who else will step up for her if not her dad?

Who do you think it should be?

School may be answer as the should have up to date records of their current GP and you could request an appointment with school nurse. Secondary schools are interested in medical issues and bringing the school in may shame mum into taking her daughter to her appointments.

It maybe a way forward.

The Jesus lunar is how you attack people. You can make a point but why be so nasty about it?!

whathaveiforgottentoday

Thanks - that’s a good idea I will suggest DH gives the school a ring I guess it depends how DSD feels about someone at school knowing.

I got advice from the school nurse here about 6 years ago but now it needs to be taken further - if she needs counselling or something because it’s emotional we are happy to pay for it.

How is it nasty? If it was two together parents behaving like this to a child they would be ripped to shreds on mumsnet.

How do you think life is for this teenager? I wet the bed till 14. My mum was too busy with her new husband to care, my dad was completely absent, I saw him about every 3/4 months at this point.

Do you think lazy parents that don't see to their children's medical/dental needs make sure they shower in the morning to get rid of the smell? My dad and his wife were fab at pointing out my mums failings in raising me when I saw them, but it never bothered them enough to help me.

The only nasty thing here is the upbringing this child has been exposed to by two parents who don't give enough of a crap about their child.

I think there is an awful lot of projection in your posts lunar.

These are not your parents.

We can’t register them with a GP here as they can only be registered at one GPS and she wouldn’t be able to take them to the Drs for other things, is no good her being referred to a specialist here as we would never be able to get her to the appts.

DH did get them an appt at one 30 miles away from their home but when he got there the Dentist practice wasn’t there anymore and presumably had gone bust without informing clients/new clients.

We have tried to take them to the NHS dental bus here but so far the dates have no coincided with when they have been here. It’s not actually that easy when we are all spread out across the country and mainly see the DC on weekends, we also have no proof of address for them here as they don’t live here.

@Lunar1 - wow to your ‘advice’. The DSM & DM are I am sure trying their best. Yet the mother (the RP) doesn’t seem to give a shit, and can’t even be bothered to take the girl to the doctor or dentist. Sounds like the mothers the one who can’t be bothered to parent!

The school will have a record of her GP....he should make an appointment with the school to discuss.

The school don’t always - esp as their Mum is probably one of the ones who never returns the form.

I don’t know if she has even bothered to reregister them since they moved.

They were booted off the dentist list for missing two appts.

What about the opticians OP?

Does your dsd have her eyes checked or not too?

Yeah we take them both here every two years, much easier as open on the weekends!

While the advice of @Lunar1 - could of been fluffed up so neither parent would look crap .... let's look at the clear and hard facts. The child is 13 she has been wetting the bed for years, the children might or might not be registered with a Gp, and other health services. Actually writing this down has made me realise this is an actual safeguarding issue. The children are being, emotional and physically neglected. Look up section 2 children's act categories of abuse and neglect... phone the school or local social services ... and report this as a concern!

Do you realise how difficult neglect is to prove?

You have just provided Years .... think that's a good starting point!

In OP's defence, it really isn't as easy as some people think to take neglect to court or SS. I'm working with social workers and health visitors on concerns with my ex partners care, and whilst they all agree there is a problem (drugs, ea, and so on) they have advised that the court and SS threshold is so high it's unlikely to go anywhere. They are apologetic about it, but it doesn't change it and my children suffer in the meantime going to my ex's house alternate weekends.

So yes whilst her DP could well have tried harder, it's not easy to have residence swapped over. And the fact the courts haven't doesn't mean OP and her DP are neglecting the kids too.

I actually am very familiar with all the processes and laws and I know it would be borderline and it was when we reported it last year and the year before.

Unless they go and see it, me saying that is what has happened or is happening does not make it true does it?

Unless there are grave concerns a SW is unlikely to do an initial unannounced visit meaning the situation can look a lot better than it actually is.

Also my DH could not have done more - I work with kids whose NRP live much closer that DH who only see their kids in school holidays.

I think this would meet the criteria, if the child health needs have been neglected,... which you have mentioned in one way or another they have. Appointments being missed ,... no follow through. Alarm bells would start to ring for any decent health professional what works in safeguarding. Make the phone call . . If it doesn’t meet the threshold (which I would be surprised about) at least you have tried ...

I do think her Dad needs to take her to the dentist

• you don’t just ‘give up’. Even private, a check up. Or just book it for him on a Saturday but insist he takes her.
• go and see any GP about bed wetting. Any one. You could also get info from the NHS website to give to her mum. Even if she’s not doing it at her mums, it’s still an issue for her mum.

It’s good to check with Mum first, but no response, just get her Dad too.

I’d be banning using any cushions and getting a protector for the bed and pillows too. Don’t make a fuss, just do it. Low key.

It does sound like both her parents aren’t really on the case though.

Does she really not know where her GP surgery is, or could it be that she actually doesn't want to go to her GP? Her behaviour is that akin to a kin highly embarrassed whose strategy is to try to ignore there is an issue and hoping it will just go away on its own, which of course doesn't because the most anxious she is, the worse it will get.

Does your DP able to talk to her in a way she would feel comfortable talking to her about it? I was close to my dad, loved him dearly, but there's no way I would have talked to him about such intimate issues at that age. Would she find it easier to talk to you about it?

If not, I agree that school should be alerted and maybe their counsellor or similar could try to speak to her. Either way, it sounds like the priority is to deal with the emotional aspect of the problem, either because that alone might sort it out, or because that might be necessary before she feels comfortable enough to consider approaching medical staff. In her shoes, at 13, I would have been scared to go to the GP because I would have been petrified that I might have to take my knickers down, or that he might say I need some tests that would involve shoving something some tube up etc... I was very uncomfortable in my body at the time and that would have been my fears.

Give her Mum advice from the NHS? How do you think that would go down?! Not well!! She is a lady who does not like to be told anything.

We are a bit past that really as DSD knows not to have certain drinks etc and not have drinks after a certain time and we of course have protectors on the sheets, have visitors all the websites, bought an alarm (which her Mum threw away) and she has had pills for two years.

The latest protector has fallen apart and I have bought a new one, which now she is 13 I didn’t expect to be doing really and I have also taken advice from the Enuresis nurse.

All of these things we have put in place are fairly useless when the person she lives with refuses to do anything about it.

She isn’t scared of going to the GP, she was totally up for it and was pleased when they referred her to the specialist.

You say your DH lives in the same town as them and picks them up from School sometimes and had them every other weekend and school holidays.

He needs to use some of this time with them to get them appropriate medical care (dentists and GP). These poor kids need better parents than this.

You say you love your step daughters and are involved in their life. Why haven't you taken them to appointments?

The bed wetting is a big problem, the poor girl needs help.

I'm probably staying the obvious here, but she should not have any liquids a couple of hours before bed and be reminded to empty her bladder before going to sleep. I'm sure you've tried that though, please get her to a doctor.