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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To expect someone to deal with this?

92 replies

MrsMaxwell · 11/02/2018 19:34

I love my step daughters. They are 11 and 13 and they come EOW and school holidays.

Home life for them is not great and we are in a very complicated situation - my husband lives in the town they live in during the week (so sees them, picks them up from school etc) and then comes back here weekends.

DSD1 is 13 and still wets the bed. I find this hard as I hate watching her struggle, she can’t go on sleepovers/residentials, the washing is a PITA and I feel frustrated that even though OH got her an appt at the specialist at the hospital her mum didn’t take her.

We never tell her off for wetting the bed and she is quite open with us about it. I know at home she gets told off and she hides it.

She wet the bed this weekend and unbeknown to us had taken two silk cushions off the sofa and put them under her two pillows (she can and knows she can have as many pillows as she wants) and these got soaked with wee. Rather than telling us so we could wash them with the bedding she just put them back on the leather sofa and her sister sat in them and realised she was getting wet and also stank of wee, as does the sofa.

I feel so bloody disappointed with her that she did that - it’s so disgusting, and there was absolutely no need. I have had to throw the cushions out as they are feather.

I know the issue here is the bed wetting and I think my frustration is probably really about that. DH has offered to take her back to the GP this week which has been rebuffed by his ex who says she never does it at home which I find really difficult to believe.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sandgrown · 13/02/2018 07:49

My DSD was still wetting the bed when he came to live with us at age 17. At home he used to strip his bed and dry the wet sheets in the airing cupboard. His brother said the house stank of urine. His mother never followed up hospital appointments. Two visits to a specialist got it under control. Could her dad go private so he has more control over time of appointments and just help his daughter get it sorted out. It will make such a difference to DSD's confidence.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 07:58

He’s not always in the same town, he is at the moment but he is away four months a year, he is in the forces so the last few months he has been back there again and they have moved and changed GP.

He has a difficult relationship with his ex (she sits in her high horse a lot about absolutely nothing and resents DH and I have no idea why as they split up 10 yrs ago with no one else involved - she tells people he was abusive which is not true), so communication between them is terrible.

I think if I took her to the GP (our GPs and dentists are not open on a Saturday and there is no point taking her here as I have already said she needs to be referred to a specialist where she lives) WW3 would erupt and DSD probably wouldn’t be allowed to come anymore - and no we cannot afford private health care.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 08:06

OH has offered to take her this week but had a text saying “ no ex DH I am off work I will do everything I think I need to do and you don’t need to do anything”.

I am not sure what he is supposed to do with that esp when any advice or future appts will be ignored if he does take her as he will be away again soon.

OP posts:

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 13/02/2018 08:12

Not much to add but Can u not register her as a temporary patient at your surgery?

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 08:19

Yes but the issue is the referral to the specialist which needs to be made where she lives.

If an appt came through while DH is away I can’t take her and exw probably wouldn’t allow me to anyway - and why am I making a five hour round trip to take a child to an appt when she has a parent she lives with who is perfectly capable of taking her own DD to.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 08:24

I worry with DSD1 that she might have missed the boat with regards to any orthodontist treatment if it were needed. There is a two year waiting list here

OP posts:

swingofthings · 13/02/2018 09:22

OP why do you think her mother would be doing everything to hinder her opportunities to sort the issue out and if DD is so adamant to sort it out why isn't she putting more pressure on her mum?

The whole thing doesn't make much sense. Unless she has learning difficulties at 13, if she was really keen to see the GP, she would be at a minimum pestering her mum to tell her who her GP was and if her mum refused to tell her, why hasn't she asked her dad/you to find out?

It sounds like there is more to it than just a mother who is happy to ignore the problem and a teenager who is completely helpless. At 13 she could go and see her GP on her own if she really wanted to.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 11:25

Right so I have a conversation with DSD about why she isn’t “pestering” her mother more - how do we think that will go down when it gets back to her mother? Will it make her more inclined to take her? No it will not.

Her mum says she only bed wets at our house which is a load of rubbish.

No - she does not have SEN she’s just a child who has a rather over bearing mother who is “always right” apparently.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 11:26

Also at 13 you are not capable of being Fraser Competant so you cannot go to the GP alone and how would she get there? They live in a rural area.

OP posts:

laloup1 · 13/02/2018 11:49

OP if every suggestion made here is as impossible as you say then there is every reason to call social services. Threshold or not you have to try something.
Your partner could also try insisting on going along to medical appointments.
Dare I also be bold and say - there is life after the navy so maybe he needs to consider how he can be more present in his children’s lives. His career certainly seems to be getting in the way of giving this situation the full attention it needs.

ScattyCharly · 13/02/2018 11:53

There are so many barriers and excuses here. The bottom line is that your dh needs to change jobs so that he can take basic care of his dds.

Justoneme · 13/02/2018 12:00

Oh dear you are quoting wrong guidance ...
Just for your information Gillick competency relates to capacity and the Fraser guidelines refers to GP prescribing birth control.

Anyhow..,. You don't want advice clearly! If you have managed to have a conversation with her today you should of been able to make her an appointment to see a health professional be it dental or physical health .... poor poor poor ....

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 12:12

Fraser Guidelines and Gillick Competantcy are the same thing.

Victoria Gillick objected to her name being used do they are now referred to as Fraser Guildelines after the presiding judge in the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 12:13

The Fraser Guidelines are applied to any medical intervention including sexual health and counselling, you cannot be deemed Fraser Competant at aged 13, from 14 you can.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 12:16

And no I do not want advice from Simone who hasn’t got their facts straight.

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Justoneme · 13/02/2018 13:50

Clearly you have read the case and know it's about sexual health then .... clearly you know that a child is able to the Gp without an adult and guess what ... shocking but true but us health professionals use Gillick assessment to see if the child has capacity to consent ....

I think you will find you are just making poor excuses for the children not to attend any health appointments .... poor show! But you sit there on your high horse and blame the mother ... whilst you and your DH are just as bad!

PerfectPenquins · 13/02/2018 15:19

Both parents are full of excuses it's really depressing. You're oh NEEDS to change job for his child's sake. He has long enough to look into transferring his skills to civvy life so why the hell hasn't he don't that? Selfishness most likely. He needs to work different patterns, closer to home to parent his child. All the blame is put on mum and yes shes a massive failure in parenting too but you're oh is no better and nothing has actually happened! Nothing has changed at all.

AhNowTed · 13/02/2018 15:43

I too was a bed wetter until my early teens. I hope to God she is not being told off because she has no control over it.

For what it's worth no amount of dry/wet diaries or my mother getting me out of bed made the slightest difference.

I was anxious and lived in a volatile household.

Eventually it stopped by around 14.

Invest in a decent rubber sheet and continue to support the poor girl.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 16:04

I am also a health professional and we stopped using Gillick competences about 19 years ago so I hope you aren’t still practising

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 16:04

10 sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 16:16

Anyway thank you for the posts that were helpful.

Not really sure how people think it’s helpful suggesting career changes etc when you do not have the full facts of my life, my situation, my own children’s situation, just a snippet of it from a few posts on here - not really a rounded assessment is it.

We do try our best in really hard circumstances.

OP posts:

upsideup · 13/02/2018 16:20

I used to be in a very similar situation to you OP. Dsd was only four, so much younger than yours when it started though, she was an incredibly anxious, troubled little girl, her mother is just like your dsd's mother, often neglectful but subtlely and not to the point that outsiders would ever have any concerns.
When I met him my partner only had had dsd every other weekend like yours but there are a few differences to your situation, as it was so was so obvious her mother wasnt providing her with the best care, he fought to get 50/50 to give his dd the most stable life possible, this meant completely disrupting his career and moving house but things that a good parent would never prioritise over the welfare of their child. I was only 18 and had no desire to be a mum or a step mum but that wasnt the poor childs fault, I quickly had to care for and love a child whose own mother didnt seem to, I stepped up and parented her which meant seeing her problems as mine, not just my partners and her mothers. This included taking her to the dentist and doctors even when her mother made it difficult for me to do so, it included all the things that I now do for my own DC.
I have no doubt you care about your DSD's, its comes across as if you love them and only want whats best by them but right now yours and your DH's only option is to stop making excuses, stop worrying about what there mother should be doing because she obviously isnt doing it, you need to do it for your dsd no matter how difficult it is.

Original poster

MrsMaxwell · 13/02/2018 16:49

When I met him my partner only had had dsd every other weekend like yours but there are a few differences to your situation, as it was so was so obvious her mother wasnt providing her with the best care, he fought to get 50/50 to give his dd the most stable life possible, this meant completely disrupting his career and moving house but things that a good parent would never prioritise over the welfare of their child

When you have finished patting yourself on the back there maybe take a moment to think that not everyone’s situation is the same as your own - for a start I already had 3 children when I met my husband.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 13/02/2018 17:01

My understand is that it is up to the healthcare professional to decide whether a teenager can make decision for themselves. My DD went to the GP on her own at 13 and was treated appropriately.

Anyhow, you seem to have a lot of hatred towards the mother and blaming her fully for the situation. Of course you can't ask your SD to pester her mum, the issue is why isn't she doing so if indeed, it is such an issue for her.

You clearly care for your SD and want the best for her, but you seem to make the issue more about her mother's incompetence than your SD dealing with the issue. At 13, if seeking medical attention was such a priority to her, I would think she would have asked her mum who her GP was as a minimum. If her mum refused to tell her, surely she would have informed her dad that her mum was refusing to tell her? Your OH doesn't need permission from his ex to take her to the GP.

upsideup · 13/02/2018 17:02

I wasnt patting myself on the back at all, nor was I patting my partner on the back (he is actually my ex), I dont think being a good parent needs praise.
I was trying to poltiely give you advice but why did you make this thread when you seem to already know your situation is so difficult that it is impossible for you to do anymore for your dsd?
You having children when you met your dh is also not an exuse for him to do any less for his own.

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