12 year old step daughter hostility

[CNSemma]

My BF has 4 children. His ex wife has poisoned 3 of them against him and I have been named as the reason for the breakdown of their marriage. 2 of the children have not spoken to their dad since he separated from their mum and one of them has stopped visiting as he does not like me or my son. The reality is that they are probed for information when they return home and to come and stay with us is more hassle than it is worth. His youngest daughter who is 12 still comes to stay with us every other weekend. I have a 14 year old daughter who she adores but also a 12 year old son who she is less than fond of. Some weekends when she arrives we know it will be an “ok” weekend but other times she arrives as cold as ice and it takes her all weekend to thaw out. My BF is the most incredible dad. He is kind and patient and gives all his attention to his daughter when she is here. She is very demanding when she arrives and he waits on her hand and foot. Her hostility towards me is palpable but my BF reminds me she is just a child and confused. I know I’m the adult here but I really really struggle and it’s affecting my mental health. I completely understand my BF rationale for offering respite when she arrives and showing her kindness but I just feel hugely itimidated. Although she loves him she is hugely derogatory and full of disregard toward to him when she is here. She does everything I get path to keep us seperate during the weekend and make her “claim” on him. I rarely challenge this as I know she has need and my relationship with my BF is solid. However I struggle mentally. I’m not sure how’s much longer I can manage actually being here when she comes over. We could have such a lovely time altogether. I just feel so desperate

@NorthernSpirit But what would you reasonably expect of a 12 year old whose family fell apart 18 months ago and half a year later her absent Dad and his new GF expected her to play happy families with his replacement wife and kids? Yes, Dad needs to sort it out, by finally prioritising his daughter's needs and feelings over his and OP's need to re-write history. OP wants her 12 year old rival for her BF's attention to validate their relationship and play along in support of their true love story. Because there can't be any reminder of the nasty shit that went along with it, because it makes her feel bad. It's all about them feeling good about themselves and the decisions they made, and nothing about the girl. Other kids who would not play along were written off as poisoned. You either participate in their production of a happy blended family or you're written out of their story. This is so indicative of OW reasoning there is no doubt OP was the OW. The 12 year old already showed how much she cared by wanting a relationship with her Dad despite the family breakdown and siblings deciding otherwise, and in a way it is her acceptance of dad's new life, as much as she can muster right now. Sadly she's being let down by the adults in this story who need her to do more than she's capable at this point, just so they wouldn't feel bad about themselves.

I wasn't suggesting focusing in PA, just to look at it as a possibility and if appropriate, eliminate it. There are a few things the OP has mentioned that are red flags though - death threats are not normal behaviour.

Even calling her behaviour 'monsterous' is totally inappropriate. What it sounds like is that she is not accepting OP in her life and that's understandable. It isn't fair to conclude that it's her behaviour who is causing OP's MH, for all we know, it's the guilt or realising that she doesn't get to have the perfect unrealistic life she'd imagine for all we know. It sounds like her behaviour is making a statement that she is not there to play happy family but spend time with her dad and happy to be friendly with the eldest child.

If at times she is acting disrepectful (which comes with the territory at that age anyway), she needs to be reminded that it is not acceptable, but again, I wouldn't refer to this behaviour as being a 'monster'.

You know sometimes I hate mumsnet, other mums can turn on you so easily, no one can completely understand their actual life and. What it must feel like, everyone always has sympathy for the child as yes they are usually in the middle and got to accept who their parent now chooses to be with BUT what about step parents I think it’s hard for step mums and dads, we’re not robots who can shut out things and be immune to hurt, bringing up kids of all ages is hard for many reasons but it’s double hard for a step parent as they are generally hated even on mumsnet it seems 😞

I feel for you op sounds like your expected to be a robot and your not you have feelings too! I hope your ok, if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me x

Thank you to the kind souls have shown me some insight into their own lives. I’m not going to even attempt to defend myself to the lions who are happy to chew me up and spit me out. Yes we have considered parent alientation syndrome and many things fit with this description. What we are not prepared to do and have never been prepared to do is fight a dirty fight in retaliation. His daughter has never heard a nasty word about her mum from us (why would anyone do that anyway). My own husband left me with 2 small children many years ago and quickly moved on to a new relationship where my children were embraced and loved. Whilst it may not have sat so well with me the children have always been confident to go between parents and not been made to feel like a pawn in a game. We would never do this for my partners children other. We cannot control the crazy behaviour from my partners ex or her family but we can control our own. I wouldn’t have written that We had received death threats if it was untrue and sadly- YES- they are nutters that we are dealing with. They do exist and are almost impossible to manage. With hindsight we should have called the police but again for the sake of the kids we didn’t want any more upset for them.
As I said I had a low moment last weekend but actually his daughter did manage to relax on the Sunday and my partner was then able to have a good and supportive chat with her later that evening when he took her home and also during the 2 further occasions when he has seen her this week seperate to myself and my kids. His kind and gentle reassurance to her has always been unfaltering. Please don’t demand time lines from me. This wasn’t the reason I turned to mumsnet for support. I am NOT the OW. I am just me and my partner is still dad to his children. The sadness in a separation is always going to be the children. Only one parent can have them at any one time. The mum asked for the children and he conceded that she had them. He sees them whenever they ask and also every week be as per their agreement. I have also told them individually that they are always welcome. Please ladies be kind. You don’t know me and I posted here in good faith

OP I can completely sympathise with the frustration you are feeling. However all I would advise you is that she is 12, so there's a lot more going on here than just wanting to monopolize her father. From what you've said her maternal family do not approve of your DP new family so she will have to be contending with the guilt she must feel by wanting to come to your house and spend time with her father. I can easily imagine this is something she is given grief for at home. She's also starting or going through puberty so her hormones are likely to be all over the show.
Cut her some slack and just keep trying, please keep being kind and supportive regardless of her attitude because I promise if you persevere in the long run your relationship with her may improve.
I also agree with pp saying to give her the whole time with her dad, I do think this is vital in reassuring her and her place in this new environment. Don't resent this as it's not her fault, I should imagine she's fought bloody hard with her siblings to validate having this time with him.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time with the maternal family though and I agree you should involve the police if death threats are involved.
I don't understand where all the criticism for you being the OW came from and I believe you're not. Children in split families have a lot to contend with but I don't think their every whim should be pandered to but I don't think this is the case here.
Good luck op, from my experience you should have someone to vent to about these feelings rather than bottling them up but I do think in this case it's a matter of put up and shut up until you weather the storm. Unless she is being openly rude or disrespectful to you I don't think there is anything for you to do other than ensure you all have some space. I'm afraid I think this is your DP job to reassure her until she can warm up to you.

The girl is hurt by her parents' separation and lashing out. It's good that she is still coming to see her dad. But it is her dad she is coming to see, not you or your children. I would suggest that you keep a very low profile. She doesn't want to be part of a new family (yet?). She already has a family, even if it has fractured.
It may take a long long long time for her to gradually accept the new situation but, at the moment, it is painful for her and she expresses it by being cold to you. It's not personal- you're just not her family.

Op I have similar problems with my 12 year old and 13 year old step daughters, it’s different but quite often there is hostility towards me, when actually I haven’t done anything other than care for them. I was also a child from a divorced family and step parents, no matter what my step dad did for me he was never as great in my eyes as my actual Dad even though I felt let down by him. It’s the way it is, but it shouldn’t be, everyone is always concerned about the children’s feelings yours get forgotten about, and comments like ‘give her some slack’ don’t really help, as inside you know it’s hard on the child of course, but you op have feelings too, and you need to do something for yourself to look after your own mental health too. It might be meditation, or retail therapy or having a spa day. I’ve just bought a book about not taking things personally as I’m terrible for that, I just can’t shut things off. It gets to me if someone is hostile towards me regardless of the reason. It’s bloody hard!!! So I for one hear you. Please look after yourself CNsemma xx

OP, no one is saying that you have it easy. Of course you don't, and you are entitled to your feelings of frustration. However, YOU chose that life and as such, you are now dealing with the consequences of the choices you made for yourself because you believe the outcome would be worth it.

This child had no choice but to accept a new life with an outcome that is not the one she would want. So not only she has nothing to gain from the life that has been thrown at her, but she is still a child, with less experience in resilience that would be expected from an adult.

It's possible to have sympathy for you, but a lot more for the child and when posters start referring to children, whether directly or their behaviour with such attributes as 'monster', then it's hard not to react.

You still have the option to walk away from the situation, so doesn't, or at least not without losing her dad, someone who was there for her every day before. Surely it's not that hard to feel some empathy for the child and respect that it might take her a bit longer to accept that you are not the cause of her life being thrown apart.

Urgh I hate it when people say you chose that life for you. What utter bollocks.
No one chooses for the relationship with their children’s father to break down, and I’m sure her DP didn’t either. They have every right to want happiness too after a failed relationship! No one chooses or wants drama but people fall in lov and the OP just wants advice to be able to cope.
It’s horrible being on the receiving end of hostility and in a lot of ways worse when it’s from a child you are trying to care for.
It does sound like DSD is struggling and kids of that age even in happy families can be vile at times.
I think the best advice is to try and not take it personally - she’s not really lashing out at you but at the situation she now finds herself in.
Her little emotions must be all over the place especially if Mum is encouraging her not to like you.
Be calm, kind and consistent and she’ll come around hopefully.
Kids of her age aren’t stupid, eventually she’ll see you’re not a threat and not horrible like her mother’s side is suggesting.
In the meantime your DP needs to have your back when she’s rude or hostile... that doesn’t necessarily mean discipline but maybe talking to her about why she’s doing it and acknowledging it’s hard for her.
A simple “Hey come on now, we don’t talk to anyone like that” every time she’s hostile. I wouldn’t allow my kids to speak to ANY adult in a disrespectful way.
Consistent, calm and patient.

Good luck

Really lovely advice there @winosaurus

Yes agree that’s lovely advice. I care enormously for the little girl and I hate that there is little me or my partner can do. I had a wobble last weekend but am back focused again. Not looking for sympathy but sometimes life happens. Was awaiting assessment for a breast lump last weekend which thankfully was diagnosed as a cyst on Tuesday. I’m just a human with limits. My partner has read the comments on here and whilst he is able to filter out some of he nasty remarks we have both further taken on board her requirement for some protected time with her dad at weekends. It’s all a learning curve for us all.

Urgh I hate it when people say you chose that life for you. What utter bollocks
Yes, the truth is not easy to be heard but it doesn't take away the fact of it.

They have every right to want happiness too after a failed relationship!
Nobody in this world is entitled to happiness at the detriment of someone else. They might make that choice but it isn't a right. The ultimate goal is to try to ensure that everyone is happy enough under the circumstances.

Using the same argument, would you say the same if OP had posted that her OH's ex had decided to move to Australia taking his DD because she has a right to happiness and it's too bad if his DD only got to see him once a year? Of course not.

There is a difference between feeling no sympathy for the situation and feeling more sympathy for the other people affected. Yes, it sounds like it's not all easy breezy for OP, but I expect it's a lot worse for the child. The point is that that's how it is and you have to learn to leave with it rather than expecting everyone else to change the way they feel just to make one person happy.

Ha. Just read message from BrandNewHouse. I have to smile at the diversity and double standards of many posts. Why on earth would I walk away????? It’s not my partner who has issued death threats or harm. I love him to bits. Why would we have stuck together through this in the first place if we weren’t committed to one another. Believe me no one would want to voluntarily be involved in any of this. I’m sorry but saying to walk away from relationship is ridiculous. We’ve already been damned by many on here for causing hurt to his little girl and my partner allegedly “walking away” (this is not what happened). Why would we continue the viscous circle. Come on ladies. Please think before you type

It sounds like she is seeing how far she can push him before he leaves her life to. He no longer sees her 3 older siblings (and presumably is not that bothered with). She wants her Dad. Her "Incredible" dad to whom she is the only one who he sees

And you gloss over the relationship between her and your son - why is that.

At the end of the day the bad behaviour has been from the adults not from the children (teenagers they may be but they are still children)

Posters could probably be more helpful if you did actually give more detail of what actually happened. You put down the fact that three of his four children don't want to see him down to parental alienation. How did that come about? Did they ever see him after the separation? How long? You say the third one stopped coming because they didn't like you nor your son, so that's not parental alienation or are you saying that is too?

You say you were named as the reason for the breakup, what has your OH done to try to prove to his eldest kids that this wasn't the case, if indeed, that's the reason they are refusing to see him. Has he given up on trying to rebuild his relationship with them?

Swift it is not at the detriment of somebody else. The OP wants to and is trying to make her DSD happy and resolve the situation.
There has to be compromise also.
It appears the mother is willing to make her own DD by deliberate actions aiming to cause conflict, not the OP

Own DD unhappy I meant

I think the timeline is important for these two reasons; you said they divorced 18 months ago so either:

A) You got together with him very soon after the divorce which may make the children suspicious of your role in the break up (even if their wasn't any).

B) You got together long after the divorce (say a year) which means you are moved in with their father with your kids having not known him for a long time.

If we knew how long it was after the divorce you got together it would give an insight into how the children feel - either suspicious of your role or that you're very, very new.

There is a reason the family have gone nuts and not just the EX - something has to have gone on Some people just are nuts. A friend of mine thought she had a perfect SIL, her DD was heavily pregnant with her 2nd child when he announced he was leaving her and she found out he had moved in with another woman who was also pregnant with his baby. The OWs family drove his wife out of her house with threats of violence. She was too scared to stay there. She had done nothing wrong, just a young woman trying to cope with a sad toddler missing her dad and the imminent arrival of baby no 2. It was totally mad.

The OP wants to and is trying to make her DSD happy and resolve the situation
How can she when most likely, all what would make her DSD is to have what she used to have, that is her dad every day.

Unfortunately, when those who leave get together with someone else very quickly afterwards, it gives the message that they didn't just leave the household because they were not happy there any longer, but because only someone else can make them happy. At least that's how a 12 yo will see it.

That's why many parents who separate wait until they form new relationships so that their kids have time to adjust to the separation and not seeing their father every day any longer before also having to share them with another family.

OP and her OH have made the decision to get together quickly after the separation and before the kids had time to adjust to the first stage. You can't take that away and expect them to do so just because it would make your own life so much better.

It appears the mother is willing to make her own DD by deliberate actions aiming to cause conflict, not the OP
If that was the case, the daughter would do like the others have and not want anything to do with OP. Many posters seems to have forgotten that child 3 was having contact but stop because they don't like OP and her son which hints to the reason the dynamics at OP's not with their mum.