12 year old step daughter hostility

[CNSemma]

My BF has 4 children. His ex wife has poisoned 3 of them against him and I have been named as the reason for the breakdown of their marriage. 2 of the children have not spoken to their dad since he separated from their mum and one of them has stopped visiting as he does not like me or my son. The reality is that they are probed for information when they return home and to come and stay with us is more hassle than it is worth. His youngest daughter who is 12 still comes to stay with us every other weekend. I have a 14 year old daughter who she adores but also a 12 year old son who she is less than fond of. Some weekends when she arrives we know it will be an “ok” weekend but other times she arrives as cold as ice and it takes her all weekend to thaw out. My BF is the most incredible dad. He is kind and patient and gives all his attention to his daughter when she is here. She is very demanding when she arrives and he waits on her hand and foot. Her hostility towards me is palpable but my BF reminds me she is just a child and confused. I know I’m the adult here but I really really struggle and it’s affecting my mental health. I completely understand my BF rationale for offering respite when she arrives and showing her kindness but I just feel hugely itimidated. Although she loves him she is hugely derogatory and full of disregard toward to him when she is here. She does everything I get path to keep us seperate during the weekend and make her “claim” on him. I rarely challenge this as I know she has need and my relationship with my BF is solid. However I struggle mentally. I’m not sure how’s much longer I can manage actually being here when she comes over. We could have such a lovely time altogether. I just feel so desperate

Where you the cause of the marriage breakdown? If not...your BF needs to explain this clearly...with evidence to his children.

You may just need to give it time with his DD. It must be terribly unsettling for her and she will be clingy and demanding of her dad's time for a while to come.

The breakdown of a marriage impacts children quite a lot and should not be underestimated.

No I wasn’t the cause but I am the scapegoat. I abosuoteky understand that children are affected. I’m not denying that. I’m just saying that I am really struggling. I’m not a robot. I have feeling too. For well over a year she has been visiting and we just never know what to expect. When she comes here she is loved and looked after. I just struggle with the hostility. I never ever “parent” her and would not feel comfortable asking anything of her in case she complained to her mum (the one time I tried to have a gently conversation with her we received a solicitors letter demanding I never try I parent her again). The truth be known I’m scared of her....

How long after the split did you move in together?

Sometimes self care is required and if it's been like this for a year and is affecting your mental health...then perhaps you and he should not live together and he can have her on his weekend without you being impacted.

You have 2 of your own kids to think about as well?

Is it your house?

It's your BFs job to let all his kids know you weren't the OW. I'd be far from impressed with that...and this could be a large cause of her attitude towards you.

It's good she likes your DD though.

Thank you for your thoughts. It’s hard to get across the essence of my feeling in words. To suggest not to live together is to pigeon hole our lives somewhat. Are we to live separately because 2 days out of 14 a child who we welcome with love is hostile? My children adore him. He is able to parent them and has enhanced all of our lives. We have values and love in abundance. It’s just very difficult when I’m held at arms length and we know part of that reason is because she has been told not to engage with me by her mother’s family. We would never actively disprespecy her mum to her. Yang would not be fair

For whatever reason he has lost contact with three children. How long ago did they split up?

I think this might just be one of those times to let go of what would be ideal and let his dd have all of him for those 4 days a month. Trying to force things isn't going to help.

It was 18 months ago and her mum also had a BF who she will happily talk to. I didn’t mention that before I moved in with my BF we were receiving death threats from his ex wife’s family so I was forced to sell my house and move out as they would be constantly outside my house. I would be happy to not be here when she comes over as it’s so distressing but my BF has requested that we carry on as normal

It's not normal behaviour for you to receive death threats like that...it's very extreme behaviour.

Was the timeline that you both got together shortly after he left his wife? Because that will raise suspicion and cause problems.

I've spoken to many OW and the game plan is to lie a bit low while he moves out and present it as a new relationship. Only you and he know if that's the case ...but a wife cab usually tell when her husband had been distant and often suspects an affair, but is gaslighted for ages.

What his DD sees, is her dad being a full time dad to your children and she has him 2 days a fortnight. It's no surprise she wants him all to herself in those 2 days.

To his other children .. it seems he's ditched them to parent your children. They must feel very abandoned.

Not quite the support I was looking for sandyY2K as I’ve stated my case and was looking for some help. I’m very aware that that must be how they feel but it’s far from the reality. We have all suffered hugely and it’s a sorry situation

State the timeline, did you know him before the split?

Also, were you a friend of the wife/did you know them as a couple?

8 months after there parents split up you and your dcs move in? No wonder his dcs are reacting to the situation. You have no handled this situation with the sensitivity it was required here.

They only split 18 months ago and already you and her father are expecting her to be all happy about being part of a blended family. Well, surprise surprise, she's not. Can't really blame her - she's a 12 year old girl will all the brain and hormonal changes that brings, her mum is probably less than happy about the situation and she only gets to see her dad 2 days out of 14 and even then has to share him with practical strangers (who get to live with him)

And adults wonder why the kids are unhappy.

It's a sham really that kids don't just fall into line when their parents force too much too soon, it's like they don't know they aren't supposed to have human emotions over what happens in their life.

You need to think about things from her perspective.

It sounds like you were probably her Dad's mistress (since you won't clarify why you're the scapegoat) and your two kids are living full-time with him instead of her siblings and her. That's a massive Fuck You that is obviously going to lead to her testing her Dad's love.

If Dad left her mum for you then obviously the kids won't be impressed that he's playing happy families with you and yours while his ex and the kids have had their lives screwed up for your "happiness". Why would she like you?

I understand that it's shit to have his daughter dislike you and I don't get why he's trying to force her to play Happy Families rather than hang out One on One. ?

You're dodging the timeline question and the post you feel was unsupportive is my experience.

I'm sensing you were on the scene during their marriage and he left his wife because of you. You say you were a scapegoat.... The usual narrative (from the OW) is ...he wasn't happy in the marriage ...we met...fell in love and he left her. "I didn't cause the problems"

If you were not the OW, he would be doing everything to prove otherwise and trying to sort out the relationship with his other kids.

Because your kids adore him...does not mean his DD will adore you.

That he has come to parent your DC in such a short space of time is suspect and it looks like you were after a dad for them. Of course his DD will feel upset with this. Other kids see her dad more than she does. He's lucky she's still coming over...as the others won't see him.

He's left his own kids to play dad to yours...from their perspective.

Unless her family are thugs or lunatics...them giving death threats for a new partner sounds bizarre. It doesn't add up. It just doesn't.

This living together happened too quickly it appears.

No I wasn’t the cause but I am the scapegoat.
You either or you are not. If you started seeing each other and getting close when he was still with her, than it is reasonable to assume that you were at least one main cause. In the end, you can only go by what he said to you, ie. the relationship was over, his feelings for her were gone etc... but that doesn't mean that it was the relationship was finished.

If the above is correct, than frankly, you are only experiencing the outcome of it. It has nothing to do with her poisoning their mind, they will have made it up themselves. Kids do form opinions and that can't be helped.

You wanted him, he came with baggage and that is children who have been strongly affected by what has happened. You can't erase it.

Regardless of the timeline, your partner should make it clear that he expects basic respect from DSD towards you. That might be the most you ever get or she might end up growing closer to you as time goes on.

If you weren't the OW though I think your DP should let his daughter know that. Otherwise she's carrying around all that anger for no reason.

Interesting that I was at such a low ebb on Saturday night that I turned to mumsnet. Fortunately I have the wherewithal and good support around me to affirm that all is ok. Ive been disgusted in some of the comments made and have reported to the website. It’s fely like online trolling and a hate campaign. I am NOT the other women and I’m sorry for those if you where my timeline does not appear to add up. As for the person who suggested that the death threats were nothing less than a fantasy then shame on you. We have had tje most awful hate campaign against us and friends and colleagues have all been up in arms at what they have said has been one of the worst divorce proceedings they have ever known. There are some unstable people out there and we have been at their hands. Moreover the children have been exposed to hatred and poor role models. I was desperate on Saturday and turned to this page for support. If I didn’t have the support of the Most wonderful man then this would have added to my devastation.

I don't see any unacceptable comments here?

Your posts suggest a very narrow way of looking at the world. it seems that the children don't like you because they have been "poisoned". You describe this 12 year old as a rival and talk of her trying to "claim" him.

I think you and the "most wonderful man in the world" should take a step back and look at how this fabulous stable relationship is affecting these children.

Sorry you've met with such hostility here, OP. Step mothers nearly always get a bashing on MN. There are some very bitter women around.

It's astonishing to read some posters demanding answers to questions in a blunt and hostile way. Ignore them, OP.

I wonder if counselling would help this unhappy girl. Her mother's family sound barking mad - do contact the police about them.

I think many people underestimate the power an exw wields.
My ex left me for ow who is now my kids sm. Ex lied to me about this but eventually slipped up in his recounting of his timeline & it was also confirmed by mutual friends who thought I knew as he apparently told his now dp & others in their social circle that our relationship was over - needless to say this was news to me, his wife, who received the most lovely & loving thank you card from him for his birthday present 6 weeks before he left & while he was in the throes of his affair!
To this day ex has never told our kids the truth about his leaving.
My point is that neither have I as the damage this would do to my kids would be irreparable. I could have made his life & that of his dp a total misery, I could have turned his kids against him & her but I didn't. 1. It's not in my nature & 2. Why would I do that to my kids?
On the flipside my dps ex told their kids his dad left them for me! Totally untrue - dp & I both well divorced when we met. This woman's behavior is truly irrational as she is locked into her own misery & she is making everyone's life hell. Dp spoke to kids & set them straight but they can't relax around me as they've told dp if they mention me she goes off & starts ranting about him. She uses her power as their dm as a weapon against their dad is it's just wrong.
I am the last person to condone an affair - physical or emotional - but what the op may or may not have done is irrelevant here - she and her dp are an established couple & are living together. In my experience children are very forgiving of their parents imperfections & (generally speaking) if encouraged they can negotiate a 'new' relationship with a parent whom they feel has let them down, as the bottom line is most kids love their parents.
If this man's kids are estranged from him you can be certain the situation is not being helped by his ex.
My attitude to my ex was no matter how much I hated him at the time (& I really did) & no matter how much I thought he didn't deserve his kids (& I really did), I had to remember his kids deserved to have a relationship with their dad & that it was not my place to attempt to destroy that.
People need space & time to recover when they've been the victims of an affair but the world keeps spinning & life goes on so you have to get over it & stop ruining everything with your bitterness.
I'm really shocked at how horrible some people are being to the op & in fact some of the comments are downright abusive.

I feel for you, OP, I really do.

I have been through very similar to what you so sadly describe.

As a once wife, who's husband (and I use that word loosely) had affairs just because he could (he was in the RN at the time) to being in the same situation as you are now, with my now husband.

We have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 21, but his daughter, who is now 28, has had no contact with her dad since she was 17. She is the same age as my own daughter.

Her mother had an affair, left her dad for the affair, got pregnant with him and married all within 18 months.

We got together just before she found out she was pregnant, BUT, lo and behold, I suddenly became the OW! Blamed for everything, even though I was a stranger to her. His daughter, obviously, was told I was to blame for everything, and consequently there was no recovery.

On the other hand, my ex has now been married another 4 times, our children went to 2 of those weddings. I left them to make their own minds up....and they did. Now they are both adults, married with children, they have no contact with him at all.

So both my 'husbands' are losers with their children, one because of a circumstance that he had no control over, and the other because he just didn't give a shit.

But my husband today, is a winner - grandad to my daughter's beautiful children and he adores his step-daughter, as she does him.

His daughter is also now a mother herself, and he lives in hope that one day she will contact him - he has NEVER changed his mobile phone number for that reason.

I wish you the very best in sorting out your situation, I really do.

She is only 12 years old, she only sees her Dad 4 days a month. She shouldn't need to stake a claim to him, she should be his focus.

I'm sorry you are struggling mentally with it, your partner is very selfish. He knows you are struggling but wants you to stay there when she is there. He is putting his needs before your mental health. Put you first and go stay with your Mum or a friend or something the times she is there and you're struggling.

My parents caused so many problems by bad mouthing their respective new partners. I remember at 7yo feeling so torn and disloyal if I let myself enjoy family time with DM and her lovely, kind BF. My DF was heartbreakingly cruel if it somehow slipped out that we'd had fun together. Over 30 yrs later and I still don't really talk to one set of parents about nice times spent together with the other.
It sounds like you and your DH are handling the situation as well as you can for DSD, but I don't know if you'll ever be able to build a good relationship if there is so much negativity coming from her DM and extended family. Her loyalty lies with her DM. You can let her see that you're not a monster as you are doing, with your considerate behaviour when she's visiting, but even so she may not be able to allow herself to build a relationship with you out of loyalty to her DM. I hate it when parents use their DC like this.