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Step-parenting

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Original poster

12 year old step daughter hostility

73 replies

CNSemma · 27/01/2018 21:12

My BF has 4 children. His ex wife has poisoned 3 of them against him and I have been named as the reason for the breakdown of their marriage. 2 of the children have not spoken to their dad since he separated from their mum and one of them has stopped visiting as he does not like me or my son. The reality is that they are probed for information when they return home and to come and stay with us is more hassle than it is worth. His youngest daughter who is 12 still comes to stay with us every other weekend. I have a 14 year old daughter who she adores but also a 12 year old son who she is less than fond of. Some weekends when she arrives we know it will be an “ok” weekend but other times she arrives as cold as ice and it takes her all weekend to thaw out. My BF is the most incredible dad. He is kind and patient and gives all his attention to his daughter when she is here. She is very demanding when she arrives and he waits on her hand and foot. Her hostility towards me is palpable but my BF reminds me she is just a child and confused. I know I’m the adult here but I really really struggle and it’s affecting my mental health. I completely understand my BF rationale for offering respite when she arrives and showing her kindness but I just feel hugely itimidated. Although she loves him she is hugely derogatory and full of disregard toward to him when she is here. She does everything I get path to keep us seperate during the weekend and make her “claim” on him. I rarely challenge this as I know she has need and my relationship with my BF is solid. However I struggle mentally. I’m not sure how’s much longer I can manage actually being here when she comes over. We could have such a lovely time altogether. I just feel so desperate

OP posts:

lifeandtheuniverse · 30/01/2018 23:36

There is a reason the family have gone nuts and not just the EX - something has to have gone on.

The 12 yr old does not have to respect you. I told mine that they had to be polite, obey her rules in her house ( and they were painfully polite) but respect was not a right it needed to be earned.

I do not get the number of SMs who say the SDCs must respect them - respect is not a right, you earn respect. In my case, she was such a cow, they never had to even contemplate it

Her behaviour is a reflection of how she feels to you - she wants her Dad and OW or not, you are threatening her relationship. She wants him to react to her comments - she wants attention. Dad walked away from her - he needs to prove he is still there for her.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2018 00:20

There is a reason the family have gone nuts and not just the EX - something has to have gone on.

I agree. Unless the whole lot of them are mentally unstable...the reaction in the form of death threats is not normal.

Hating would be one thing...death threats is a whole other level.

HeckyPeck · 01/02/2018 14:50

I told mine that they had to be polite, obey her rules in her house ( and they were painfully polite) but respect was not a right it needed to be earned.

I'm not sure about others, but being polite and obeying rules is what I meant by being respectful.

waterrat · 01/02/2018 19:20

Op. Imagine if you suddenly had to share your partner with another woman. This girl is seeing her dad living with other children who have replaced her!!! I remember how it felt when I was 12 and my parents had just split up - it was bad enough my dsd leaving I literally would have had a break down if he had set up a new life with new children instead of me and my sister.

She is a child. A child who has lost her father and now only sees him twice a month - she has to come to this alien setting to see him and walk into a strange and different family. Rather than waking up every morning with him in her home as she grew up with.

She is hostile - or course she is she is a kid going through a life changing traumatic break up of her family.

Please try to be the grown up and accept ahe is going to find this situation very difficult. You get to live with her dad now. She doesnt.

MachineBee · 01/02/2018 21:13

Whatever your DP says you really need to give them space to be together. Arrange a day out with your girls away from the house, but always invite your DSD too. For example ‘me and [your DDs] are going to [xx]. Do you want to come too or spend the day with your Dad?’ I can promise to begin with she’ll pick Dad every time. But if the door is always open to her she might walk through it one day. Plan at least one relaxed family meal - finger foods - round the table for all of you on the weekends she’s there.

Your own DCs will appreciate time with just you too. It will relieve the pressure on everyone.

KayaG · 02/02/2018 06:07

There is no reason why OP and her children should leave their home just to suit DSD. It's giving her exactly what she wants. Her DP can take DSD out somewhere.

Yes, she's a child but she's 12 years old not 5 and knows exactly what she's doing. Children do not dictate what happens it will only get worse if she's allowed to do so.

swingofthings · 02/02/2018 08:34

Yes, she's a child but she's 12 years old not 5 and knows exactly what she's doing. Children do not dictate what happens it will only get worse if she's allowed to do so.
These words are so callous considering the situation. It's reading things like this that makes me understand why some kids can really take a dislike in their step-mum.

The most common things I've heard from kids whose parents separate when they are older are 'I hate him for breaking up our family and I want nothing to do with his new family' or 'I miss him so much, I wish we could spend more time together'.

In this instance, sounds like 3 have opted for the first, and this poor girl is holding on the second. Why should she be expected to accept with joy and excitement the new life that has been thrown at her that has bringing nothing positive compared to what she had before, just so that her SM can feel happy and contented in her own life?

That girl is not responsible for making OP happy, she is struggling enough with trying to be happy herself. The only way it can get better is if OP accepts that this girl needs more of her dad's time when she is there to adjust to going from seeing him all the time to only every other week. OP needs to recognise that making her 'claim' over him is only trying to hold on to a thread of what she had before.

MachineBee · 02/02/2018 08:53

Sometimes going out just helps takes the emotion out situations.

In the summer I spend a lot of time in the garden when my DSCs are here - it gives them some space to choose whether to hang out with their DF or do their own thing. I can enjoy my home on the days when they’re not with us.

All I ask is that aren’t rude to me in my own home. The youngest usually are.

No point worrying about territory claims.

KayaG · 02/02/2018 08:56

I don't disagree with what you say, swing. But OP and her children shouldn't have to leave their home. That's my point. The father can take DSD out for some 1 to 1 attention.

A 12 year old should not be allowed to force people out of their home.

Amatree · 02/02/2018 08:57

OP still hasn't actually clarified the timeline about split/getting together
I agree it sounds like there is a lot more to this.

MachineBee · 02/02/2018 08:58

But equally a 12 yo shouldn’t feel like she isn’t welcome at her DFs house. Balance and perspective is the thing.

Middleoftheroad · 02/02/2018 09:08

OP I think if you clarified the timeline we could understand the daughter's perspective more.

Megs4x3 · 02/02/2018 09:21

@CNSemma I think you've had some very poor advice here. Please research Parental Alienation if you haven't already. There are a couple of very good and informative and supportive groups on Facebook too. PAMPA is one of them and though it's more of an action group it has lots of useful information. Other groups offer emotional support. PM me if you'd like some more links. It's an awful situation to be in and very difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it. Both you and your DH need help and support. xx

Megs4x3 · 02/02/2018 09:35

@CNSenna I forgot that PAMPA is a closed group, requiring action to join. The support groups will help you most first. PM me if you want to chat about this more.

whitecremeegg · 02/02/2018 09:51

OP is deliberately avoiding giving dates, which means either she was the OW or her DP moved on pdq

No wonder the kids are hostile

llangennith · 02/02/2018 10:17

She may be ‘still a child’ at 12 yo but she’s quite old enough to know exactly what she’s doing and to be told to behave herself. I’m sure her DM doesn’t allow her to behave in a rude or hostile manner to her new boyfriend so why does anyone think it’s ok for her to be so unpleasant to the OP in her own home?
OP, decide if you want to put up with this situation for years to come or if you’d be happier moving out with your DC so you and they can live in a calmer environment.

swingofthings · 02/02/2018 10:19

A 12 year old should not be allowed to force people out of their home.
I don't disagree with this at all. In any case, I expect that the house doesn't feel like home to her in anyway, at least not yet and her priority is spending time with her dad.

The issue is that what she craves is probably what she took for granted before, having a cuddle on the sofa with dad, maybe him spending time with her doing homework, laughing watching a stupid comedy with popcorn, all things you would do at home.

Surely there is a way to compromise, 1/3 her and dad spending time outside of the house just the two of them, 1/3 spending time at home with just her and dad, and 1/3 accepting that she is now part of a new family dynamics.

swingofthings · 02/02/2018 10:24

Please research Parental Alienation if you haven't already
I really don't think focusing on parental alienation when the issues are much more likely related to what has happened that led the child father leaving his family for OP is only going to make things worse.

She is indeed 12, not 5 and it seems the three who have opted to have nothing to do with their dad are even older, so the likelihood that the issue is parental alienation in this instance is very unlikely. They are old enough to draw their own conclusions.

NorthernSpirit · 02/02/2018 10:25

OP - you don’t have to answer posters ‘demands’ on the timeline, nothing to do with them and it’s inconsequential. The situation is here and now.

Agree with @Megs4x4. My OH’s children were victims of this and it has been raised in court. It started off as a US thing, but is now recognised more and more in the UK.

Women who use their own children as weapons and alienate them against a parent (in my opinion) are disgusting individuals.

You are were you are and it’s about making the most of this awrful situation. First of all it’s not acceptable for a 12 year old child to behave in this way. Before the monster gets any worse your OH needs to set some boundaries and lay down what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. He needs to work with her. This can’t continue. Kids aren’t born bad, it’s learnt behaviour.

QuiteLikely5 · 02/02/2018 10:27

I would 100% expect my dp to rent air b&b eaxh weekend.

No stress. Everybody is happy!

swingofthings · 02/02/2018 11:50

Women who use their own children as weapons and alienate them against a parent (in my opinion) are disgusting individuals
Of course they are, and I've seen it happening in a shocking way, however, an ex wife expressing anger and children refusing to see their dad isn't an automatic sign of it especially when the children are at an age that it is accepted they are mentally capable of making their own mind.

I think parental alienation can often be used to shift the guilt on to the other person, much easier to convince yourself that your kids don't want anything to do with you because they were led to believe in false information rather than accepting that they are refusing to do so based on facts.

swingofthings · 02/02/2018 11:53

Before the monster gets any worse
Monster, really? From what OP has posted? If there was one person who could be suspected of being a monster (and I wouldn't even go as far as calling anyone that), I would put my finger on the father who has opted for a life with OP at the cost of his relationship with 3 of his 4 children, and as it stands, a high possibility that it becomes 4.

Ven83 · 02/02/2018 12:33

Calling a confused 12 year old hurt by her Dad's actions a monster, Jesus Christ. You should be ashamed of yourself, @NorthernSpirit

OP, she owes you nothing. Not at this age and not so soon after the breakdown of her family. Her dad should respect her feelings and arrange to spend time with her at a neutral place without you if she's troubled by being in your home and around you or your children. You should accept that she can stake full claim to him for those 2 days in 14. If you and her Dad genuinely care about her well-being, then accept that she just can't accept you at this point. But your post is all about me me me and how you're affected by this child's struggle to cope with what happened to her family.

NorthernSpirit · 02/02/2018 12:48

@Ven33. I didn’t call the child a monster. By ‘monster’ I meant the behaviour. It’s a term of reference I didn’t mean the child.

The OP describes the behaviour as hostile, cold and it’s affecting the OP’s mental health. That can’t continue. Yes, the dad needs to get to the root cause and start to sort this. It can’t continue. It’s not good for the child and it’s not good for those around her.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 02/02/2018 13:31

Totally agree @swingofthings

I'm the ex wife. All of my kids initially saw Dad but one is NC and another is considering it. The youngest gets along with his Dad but his gf is childless and has caring responsibilities at the weekend so she isn't an issue.

The reasons for NC are purely about their Dad's actions and behaviour yet I have been accused of alienation. While I accept that there are parents who use their child are a weapon, there are at least as many NRP who are wholly responsible for their kids being NC.

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