Broody, sad stepmum

[Saff33]

I'm sorry. I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

I've been with my DP 2 years. He is the love of my life and best friend.

He has a 7 year old son with a VERY difficult mother. She demands a huge amount of money but my DP won't go through CMS (who calculate he owes HALF of what he pays her, on top he pays half of childcare, school trips, school dinners as she will threaten to mess with contact, and he desperately wants to avoid court or conflict. She is demanding emotionally despite being remarried, and will often start text arguments when she knows we're having quality time together (for instance when we're on holiday). She's a really vile person and emotionally abused my DP for years.

Things are getting slowly better, boundaries being put in place. But the most overwhelming thing is how unbearably broody I am. We take DSS to a soft play and the sight of the children running around and their happy mummies and daddies watching them makes me cry. I My PT told me last week she is expecting and I cried all the way home. I'm even jealous of my DP. I see him and DSS and I'm so jealous that he has a child I can hardly bear it sometimes. And then I start to resent DSS because if he hadn't been born, I could be trying with my DP by now. DP is likes the idea of having more children but phrases it like, 'I think it would be lovely for DSS to have a brother or sister'. What? That should have nothing to do with it. I want to be told, 'I think it would be lovely to have family together with you, and I think you would be a wonderful mummy'.

Every day feels empty. I love my job and have a great career, my own house, a good life. But it feels pointless. Like I'm just walking along an endless, pointless road.

He knows. But he's not in a position to be able to.

Imagining your child with a sibling is often where the first seeds of having a baby decision starts so I wouldn't think badly of your partner for saying that. Obviously he needs to say that having the baby with YOU is also a major pro but he knows you're broody so that goes without saying.

Is he reluctant to have a child because of the finances that he's paying to his ex?

I'm also not sure what PT stands for?

Agree with the above poster. If it's not going to happen...end it and move on.

Yes it's partially the finances, partially what her reaction would be probably. Pt = personal trainer. I realise that would be out the window if I had kids!

That's an often heard tale. It's all the exes fault, poor man has to pay too much and she's in control of access...but he won't go to court or the CMS? Why not? He could get proper court ordered access and pay half what he is and then have a new family with you.....
but he doesn't want to, does he?. He has you convinced its all her fault but he won't do any of the things he could do to make it all better, so who is it really?

It's only a good thing that your OH wants to financially provide what he can for his child isn't it?
Many men don't contribute at all. Remember also that csa calculated maintenance is the bare minimum a nrp should pay. His decision to pay above what he has shows him to be a decent father.

He really shouldn't be in a long-term relationship until he has sorted firm boundaries with his ex. I understand if it was 3 months after they split or something but it's been 2 years, you have a bond with dss and he's paying her maintenance.
It's very unfair on you that you have to be the adult and leave. If you get pregnant your child and you will be last on the list of priorities.

Is he ready to commit to you by asking you to marry him? That would be a good start. If he is too tied up with his last wife and in reality not separate enough from her to marry you, then he’s not ready to be a father to your child. You’re best off finding out either way sooner rather than later.

It's true. It is largely DPs responsibility to set boundaries. Of course I want him to provide for his son, but his ex refuses to work and is remarried and so really only a fraction of that money is going to the day to day costs of DSS. We spend a lot of money on him when we have him at the weekends taking him out to theme parks, cinema, etc because she never does.

I know it should be a 'sort it or I leave' situation. But I love this man. I see him being the father of my children.

I have to agree with taskmaster. His ex has him over a barrel because he won't go through the proper channels to establish contact and a fair payment amount. Which has a direct impact on you and your wish to start a family.

So he IS in a position to be able to afford another child - he chooses not to. I can quite understand his desire not to rock the boat with his ex, who obviously controls the access arrangements, but it really doesn't have to be that way. That's what the courts are there for - to decide fair access and put it down in black and white.

It doesn't have to be an empty, pointless road, but you are going to have to have a serious talk with your DP and lay it on the line. If you can't both get on the same page then, sadly, I would advocate cutting loose.

It's true. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm delivering an ultimatum. I'm almost 34, I can't waste time like this. So her takes her to court, that's another.. what.. year?? of feeling this way. He is 44. Maybe he is just saying he's open to having children because I made it clear at the beginning that was my plan in life. I don't know

I think he doesn't want to and is blaming his ex and son.

@saff33 - I really feel for you and completely relate to the way you are feeling. My story is a little different. My DP has 2 DC. My DSD is 7 and my DSS is 3 and I absolutely adore them - I love the bones of all 3 of them. Rightly or wrongly, I wish they were my own. We have a difficult relationship with DP ExW which leads me to doing most of what might be considered mothering responsibilites such as buying uniform and sorting school stuff. Some days I forget they are not my own children. I have moments where I return to earth with a bang though when I remember I am not. I have had surgery on my cervix several times meaning carrying a baby to full term may cause issues and indeed I have had 2 MC. I love my DSC but I understand that they will never love me like they do my DP or their mum and that sometimes breaks my heart. I really want there to be a connection between me and them and having a child with DP would bridge that gap perfectly. I'm just too scared to try at the moment.

Never say never. Sit down and talk to your DP frankly. It sounds like the finance situation needs addressing. It's not right for her to use money as a leverage to stop you seeing DSS. Call her bluff re court - chances are she'll know she won't win and will back down.

Don't get pregnant and end up in the situation that this lady is in
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3120724-To-feel-sad-about-DP-spending-Xmas-at-his-exes
She should be enjoying her new baby but her partner hasn't established boundaries with the ex.

You don’t want a baby until he’s sorted all the shit out with his EW. She still has a control over him - using his child as a weapon with regards to finances and contact (I hate bitter EW who do this personally). It won’t take a year to sort out contact through the courts. He can represent himself - send the forms to the court and have a court date within 3 months. It will be sorted on the day. Until he sorts that out his EW will interfer in your lives (because she thinks she can, he’s still hers and she has a hold over him).

@LMW1990 that sounds so hard 2 MCs. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. It's great that you have such a close relationship with your SCs, but I understand maternal feelings towards SCs sometimes bite you. I treat my SS with respect and kindness, I hold him to the same standards as I would my own, hold him when he's crying, look after him when he's ill, play with him, tell him how much I love him.. but I never feel that 'my child' feeling and I think it protects me.

@jaimelannistersgoldenhand that is extreme!! I wouldn't tolerate that.. luckily the Ex doesn't stop me and SS being together (she kicked my DP out replacing him with another man though!!)

You've only known him 2 years, you are still in the honeymoon stage and most likely got to know the good things about each other, but there is still the negatives to come out. How long have you been living together?

It's natural to be broody, but that doesn't mean that you should act on it. I expect his perspective is that he doesn't want to repeat history. However awful his ex is, she was lovely enough to have a committed relationship with and a child before realising who she is. He is rightly cautious and wants to be sure that you are with him for him and his son, not just as the father of your future child and thinking that the last thing he wants is risking to have two children from two different women, each desperate to dry him out financially.

You are 34, time is not running out. Get to really know each other, warts and all, and give it a bit longer.

If my BF was concerned what his Ex thinks about me having a baby, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Don't waste time if you arent on the same page. If you spend 2 more years and haven't made progress, you'll feel stuck with him and become resentful.

I agree with kimmyschmitd1 . This mans commitment to you is far from clear. How about being a bit old fashioned and discussing marriage before any children? (I definitely wouldn't be having children with anyone I'm not married to - I , like most women would take far too bigger hit on income/salary etc. - )
His reaction to the idea of marriage will tell you all you need to know - guarantee your partner will say he can't marry you as his ex will get too angry and withhold contact ..

I agree with others. There are solutions to all of this. My (now) DH ex wife was a living nightmare using the dcs as Exocet missiles against him. We self represented . The application costs £212 and takes (in our area ) just under a month. As there is no DV/Alcohol/drugs issues AND contact has been ongoing, she will probably be aware that there is no hope of you not getting an order. Once you have that - then her power has gone.
Does he want this ? Really ? Peace of mind for £212 for the rest of dcs life. OR does he like to use the ex and her difficult behaviour to keep you quiet on the matter and feeling unreasonable for wishing for your own child ?
This needs a straight talk AND an ultimatum.

1. DP Grows a pair and you two get married have a baby and reduce Cm accordingly if needed.
2. You find someone else who wants a child with you.

I expect his feeling towards commitment with OP has nothing to do with whether he takes his ex to court or not. He may not find her half as difficult as OP sees her but most likely, he wisely just need more time to be sure that the relationship has the right foundation for marriage and children. As said, he's been through it once and it failed so he needs more time to be sure that things will be different to OP and her desperation for a child is not going to help that.

I personally think that you don't really know a partner until you've faced problems, arguments etc... The test of commitment is not in how well you get along and love each other when all is well but how well you can support each other and still love each other when things go wrong.

Thank you all for the level-headed advice! I was letting myself get wound up in my feelings and not looking at the bigger picture and remembering there is time.

Actually I'm sorry but I disagree - you don't have the luxury of time. You need to have the commitment conversation soon so that you can move on if needed because you don't know how long it'll be before you meet someone else that you'd want to start a family with (I'm assuming from your posts that you want a "traditional" set up of mum, dad and kids rather than going it alone as a single parent).

Seriously most of the issues around step parenting are very rarely caused by the kids themselves, it's about how strong (or not) the boundaries are around the Ex. It's not the Ex's fault as such - she'll behave as she wants to unless challenged, and why wouldn't she? She's merely carrying on the same relationship dynamic as when they were together. If your DP can't break away from that then he's not really ready for a relationship. DH and I went to counselling because his ex was dictating all sorts, it wasn't until the counsellor said "your relationship won't work whilst there are three of you in it" that DH finally "got it" and things are much better now. However I'm 43 now and have missed my chance to be a mum.

You're in for a world of heartache if you don't get this sorted.

You can't force commitment on someone. Many people don't commit because they don't know YET whether they have experienced enough together to be in a position to know if they want to commit or not.

Of course there's got to be a time limit, but I don't think being together 2 years (and still not clear how long under the same roof) when they are SCs involved and a past to still fully leave behind, is long enough to be totally certain whether having another child now is the right thing to do.

We can't predict the future but you can minimise the impact of the outcome. Her OH's priority is probably to try to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself and for that, he needs more time. This is him acting reasonable. OP doesn't have to see things from the same perspective. There is no concern over history repeating itself, there is concern over time.

I really don't get why a man who really wanted a child with his partner would decide to hold if off just because it would cause issues with their ex. Surely the desire to have a baby and share this experience with their new partner would take over any concern about their ex?