My DS isn't coping too well with blending

[TwoDots]

I really need some advice as to how I can help my DS (nearly 7) cope with our new family dynamic.

Some background...

It has always been just the two of us. He's never known his dad, and has gotten upset about this over the last 2-3 years. He is very emotional and sensitive by nature. He struggles to manage his emotions and has always not been the easiest to parent. I'm now in my first relationship since before he was born

I've been with my DP for nearly 2 years. He has a dd who is 5. Her mum is in a relationship with someone and living with him. She has no other siblings and has generally adapted to things quite well. I have known her since she was 4....8 months into our relationship, so well over a year now. We have an amazing little friendship going on. I think very highly of her. DP has her from Sun to weds every week

We all moved in together in November. Completely new house. Both children have their own rooms

My DS is a jeckyl and Hyde at the moment. His behaviour feels out of control when DSD is here. He's hyper, angry at the smallest of things, aggressive, nasty (particularly to Dad). I know a lot of this is jealousy. I know a lot of it is resentment due to not having a Dad (my DS s very good at speaking to me and telling me what's going on in his head). The trouble is, we have tried to give them both plenty of one on one time, treat them as fairly as possible, be super loving etc but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm scared not only for my boy but for DSD (I don't want her to not be happy here and not want to come)

It's difficult to put it into words without waffling. I feel so stuck. If I give DS a cuddle etc when Dsd is here, Dsd comes in for a cuddle too. I honestly don't mind as I can share my affection, but I know it's adding to DS resentment. If I don't show Dsd the same love, I don't want her to feel rejected

Has anyone been through this? Any advice? DS not having a Dad is causing a lot of the issue but how do we deal with that and not upset Dsd?

Could it be that he wants more of a dad relationship with your partner, and that when your DSD comes he feels jealous/threatened and doesn’t know what to do with all the feelings?

Was it like this when you all used to stay together before you officially moved in?

To all intents and purposes isn’t your dp his dad? Are you going to marry etc?

If so have you ever considered allowing him to call him dad?

I realise this may be controversial but if yous are in it for the long haul and his bio dad isn’t around then why not?

It's tricky I think. My DD was very jealous at first if I showed any affection to DSS. They were both about 7 when we started blending families. I did confront it quite directly in the end and told her she was my very special DD and having the DSC in my life didn't mean I loved her any less.

It was a bit easier for us because we didn't have any of the DC full time - DD was a night or two at her dad's each week, and I used to make the most of those times to do stuff with the DSC. But having any time without your DS must be trickier if he doesn't see his dad.

Not sure what else to suggest, other than lots of reassurance. And finding things to do that work well with a bigger number maybe? Board games, sports, etc. Things where everyone has a clear role - so that your DS sees the benefits of the new larger family. Less structured things, like cooking or arty things I think give more opportunities for tensions. Does he see DSD as a playmate yet?

It can change in time though - DD gets on great with DSS now, and laughs about having once declared him to be her "mortal enemy"

I completely understand where he's coming from with the jealousy. I understand all of it (I think) I'm struggling as what we think will help, doesnt. My DP suggested we all have family time last night...quick board game, chat about our days. My DS lost it! Complete meltdown over it. He wanted to watch tv or play on my DP PlayStation. I'd understand if it was s whinge, but this was full scale anger. Hates us all, hates me, worst family ever.

Dsd is back with her mum tonight and when I picked DS up from school he was upset that Dsd wouldn't be at home with us tonight. He turn says he doesn't understand why she always has to go back to her mums...he wants her here etc. Total opposite to his other behaviour....we get that every week

He do wants the family dynamic but hates it when he has it

My DP is willing to be his dad but we are not rushing in as we have both children to protect. It all takes time. We talk of marriage etc. My DS begs me to let him call my DP Dad but it's too soon. Perhaps that's where a lot of the problem lies

I should mention there are times when they both get on so well. Kisses, cuddles, laying, laughing. He just flips easily unfortunately

We so want to get this right for both of them

If I give DS a cuddle etc when Dsd is here, Dsd comes in for a cuddle too. I honestly don't mind as I can share my affection, but I know it's adding to DS resentment. If I don't show Dsd the same love, I don't want her to feel rejected

This made me smile slightly. Exactly the same scenario with my two (7 and 4 - so similar ages) yesterday. Except that my two are both mine. They have the same mummy, the same daddy, we all live together and always have. It is a very normal sibling thing to do.....

Is your DP close to your DS? Could it be that he sees DSS as having "gained" you but doesn't feel that he in turn has gained a "dad" in the bargain? I wonder if lots of 1 to 1 time with your DP and reassuring him of his place in your new blended family will help.

I think there is something in your second post about ds wanting to call dp dad. If he is not allowed to do that but then not only does this girl arrive but she also has her dad in the house AND has you trying to show them equal love then it's a really unequal situation. If dsd is getting full parenting from you (for want of a better word) then ds needs the full shebang. Does dp do stuff with just ds? Even when dsd is around.

This sounds very mixed up and confusing.
Why won't you let your son call your dp dad if he wants to?
Did they have a good relationship before you moved in together?
No point saying you don't want to rush things given you have moved in together already. Your son just wants to be able to call someone dad and you shouldn't have moved in if you are not allowing that to happen.

My DP is willing to be his dad but we are not rushing in as we have both children to protect.

You can't move in together and then say we don't want to rush things. Its either/or.

There's 2 reasons

My DP isn't quite ready. He wants things to settle down a bit, is naturally a bit worried about too many changes at once for his dd

The second sounds ridiculous, but a post on here has made me cautious. There was a lady who let her ex call her child Dad but they were never married etc. Anyway the new 'Dad' distanced himself after they split and she got slated for allowing him to be called Dad when they weren't married etc. She was called irresponsible. I guess I took that on board

I'm sure it has a lot to do with it. Must be so hard hearing daddy all the time . I've asked my DP to try and spend more time with him. Tricky as he works longer hours when he doesn't have his dd
No, he never has one on one time with him when she is here. Should he? How will that impact her?

If your ds wants to call him dad and your dp is wanting to be dad what is the issue?

Sorry, I feel like I'm forgetting to answer questions

Before we moved in everything was really good. Kids got on. My DS did miss my DP on the half week he had his dd . My DS really really wanted us all to live together. He still does, but he's understandably jealous

Buggerit I don't think my DP is ready

I think I'd be tempted to see if DSD could temporarily stay even more to try and work through the whole thing and rude out his behaviour?

God we'd all love it. We've asked for a bit more contact or even switching things a little bit his ex won't allow it

@twodots
Your DP isn’t your DS’s dad. And you are right not to allow him to use that term.

It's tricky. It does sound like it's a dad thing. It's different, but my DS1 is always very keen if my sister comes across that her husband comes too - I think boys do seek out adult male figures and that must be more so if his dad has never been around.

I guess it probably stirs up all sorts of emotions in him that he doesn't understand and can't process. 7 also seems to be quite an emotional age anyway!

Could you do 1 to 1 time with DP and DS and you and DSD do something separate at the same time?

Hmm let's hope the ex wants something and you have done leverage to work out a deal. Shame she won't accommodate a temporary change

It sounds like your DP has not fully committed yet, and it holding back a bit. Maybe your DS is picking up on that, and its making him feel insecure? I'm not sure how you go about fixing that though. It may just take time for things to settle down. Have you considered counselling for your DS to help him work through how he feels with someone who is not involved?

I'm trying to help him with his emotions etc and is currently being referred to a psychologist

Poor boy. I feel terrible

I will encourage more one on one time. Thank you

You're trying to mash two only children into one family. I'm an only so I may have some insight.

You've only been living together three months tops and for some of that time your son has you both to himself, and some of the time there's a sibling.

You son now has a 'dad' like some of his friends. His new sibling is allowed to call DP dad, he isn't. That must be confusing and feel unfair at best, mean at worst to your son.

He's left his 'home' behind and has a new room that will have different ambient noises and a different view out of the window. He also has to adapt to a new garden, new street etc.

DSD is used to shuttling between houses on scheduled days so of course it's easier for her.

Each of these are big, big things for someone who is only seven. And expecting him to cope with them all in one hit is a big ask.

Of course he's angry! He doesn't yet have the abilities to discuss this rationally and respond appropriately. Give him a break and let him get his head around this with you and DP at his own pace. I say with kindness that you are asking too much too soon.

Thanks weezol

I understand completely and thanks for your insight. How do I manage these angry episodes? He's nasty with them? I've tried offering cuddles and the opportunity to talk. I don't know what to do, even with all the understanding in the world