My DS isn't coping too well with blending

[TwoDots]

I really need some advice as to how I can help my DS (nearly 7) cope with our new family dynamic.

Some background...

It has always been just the two of us. He's never known his dad, and has gotten upset about this over the last 2-3 years. He is very emotional and sensitive by nature. He struggles to manage his emotions and has always not been the easiest to parent. I'm now in my first relationship since before he was born

I've been with my DP for nearly 2 years. He has a dd who is 5. Her mum is in a relationship with someone and living with him. She has no other siblings and has generally adapted to things quite well. I have known her since she was 4....8 months into our relationship, so well over a year now. We have an amazing little friendship going on. I think very highly of her. DP has her from Sun to weds every week

We all moved in together in November. Completely new house. Both children have their own rooms

My DS is a jeckyl and Hyde at the moment. His behaviour feels out of control when DSD is here. He's hyper, angry at the smallest of things, aggressive, nasty (particularly to Dad). I know a lot of this is jealousy. I know a lot of it is resentment due to not having a Dad (my DS s very good at speaking to me and telling me what's going on in his head). The trouble is, we have tried to give them both plenty of one on one time, treat them as fairly as possible, be super loving etc but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm scared not only for my boy but for DSD (I don't want her to not be happy here and not want to come)

It's difficult to put it into words without waffling. I feel so stuck. If I give DS a cuddle etc when Dsd is here, Dsd comes in for a cuddle too. I honestly don't mind as I can share my affection, but I know it's adding to DS resentment. If I don't show Dsd the same love, I don't want her to feel rejected

Has anyone been through this? Any advice? DS not having a Dad is causing a lot of the issue but how do we deal with that and not upset Dsd?

It's very early days OP, and in a way, sibling rivalry/bickering/showing off is all perfectly normal and you've just not seen this behaviour from him. He needs lots of reassurance that he's still very important to you but equally reminding if and when that his behaviour isn't acceptable.
Kids are funny creatures, and I think you could be really overthinking this one. This is a massive change, and you're all still finding your feet.

Keep doing what you're doing, it may take another few months for there to be a de-escalation. Obviously if there's no change by say, the end of April, it's time to seek external help.

Address the 'dad' thing with DP. I suspect that's a huge stressor for your son. In his mind, he wanted a dad, you got him a dad but he's not allowed to call him dad.

That's a deeply complex idea for a seven year old to cope with - I know 12 year olds that would struggle. He's still getting his head around right and wrong, truth and lies.

As you and DP are in this for the long haul, DP needs to let go of his reluctance sharpish. This is not about him.What happens in June, when father's day cards are being made?

I think this can work, will work, but you just need to reduce your expectations a bit.

Thank you weezol. This makes perfect sense

And thanks to all

I too don't think that encouraging your DP to be more a dad to your son is what your son needs/what is right for him. He sounds like a highly emotionally intelligent child but maybe so much so that although he can analyse situations with maturity beyond his years, it doesn't mean he has the maturity to know how to deal with what he is feeling.

My gut feeling is that his behaviour is his way of telling you that his issue is to do with accepting that his dad doesn't want to know him like he would like to know his dad, and that you trying to encourage him to treat your OH as his dad is only masking the issue. From your perspective, it would perfect if you could rebuild your family dynamics and just pretend that your OH is his dad with his DD joining that family when she's there.

Unfortunately, it is not how it is and I suspect only you want it this way at this stage. Your OH wants to take things slowly, and he is right, his DD probably isn't keen on having to accept that her dad has adopted a son who isn't always welcoming to her, and your DS, however much love your OH wants to have with his real dad what he sees your OH have with his DD.

I think instead of trying to convince him that your OH can be what his dad isn't, you need to help your child come to terms with him not having his dad in his life. I expect him having an issue with you showing affection to your SD is because it is indirectly telling him that he can do the same with your OH, when what he needs at the moment is reassurance that if he is not going to have a 'proper' dad like your SD, at least he wants exclusivity to you being mum to him only.

I think what he needs is you to slow down trying to blend the family, like your OH seems to believe and let it happen naturally when everyone is ready.

The thing is though swing, I'm not trying to force anything. We've moved in together and this appears to be the dynamic. I have loads of alone time with my DS. If Dsd is here, I can't just ignore her. She's very forceful in getting attention, and I worry about the impact on her if I'm focusing solely on my DS. I totally understand what you're saying in principal but in reality I don't know how to apply what you suggest

Sorry Twodots, I took it when you said that your OH wasn't ready for your son to be called dad but you said before that you agreed too.

I think it comes down to detail. You can give a hug to your SD in a way that is warm and friendly, but not the same way you hug your own child. Same with the tone of voice.

You are clearly being very welcoming to your SD and she is responding to it. It's hard to find the right middle. Maybe he is reacting no differently to many when they are facing becoming an older sibling and needing to share. My DD went from being an angel child to a real pain in the bum for a few months, but that didn't stop her falling madly in love with her brother. I thing she liked as much the idea of being an older sibling and looking after hum than she disliked having to share me and her dad!

So it could be this, but maximised due to the fact that you are a blended family and the dad in the situation is not 'his dad in the same way that he is to the other sibling.

I have been told by quite a number of teachers that emotionally bright children do tend to be harder to raise too.

My son is the same age as yours. He has outbursts when he hates us, I'm the stupidest meanest mummy blah blah blah.

I can relate exactly to this, except that my DS did have contact with his dad most fortnights from age 3 until the summer, now his dad has disappeared it seems.

I’m wondering whether the ‘why don’t I have a real dad’ is actually the issue and whether you have answered all his questions about that - difficult I know but this is one of the things that helped my DS. Also we told him that a step dad was half dad half friend, but that he would always have a dad who ‘made’ him as well. Also really obvious things like saying step dad really cared about him/loves him and so on. DS didn’t really know the difference between dad and step dad, perhaps your DS and DP would benefit from this chat?

We are also seeing a psychologist, this is because as we were by ourselves since before birth, our mother/son dynamic is also a bit skewiff.

I feel for you as it’s really hard.

It's ok swing. It's so hard to provide a true picture on these things. I'd say the only person really forcing and rushing is my DS who is desperate for my DP to be his dad. I completely understand everyone's needs and perspectives and I carry it on my shoulders. I feel such guilt for his feelings. It is true, emotionally intelligent children are definitely harder work but if I get it right he should be a great adult

Thank you niceup and the1975. It's great to hear your perspectives

I'm terrified of talking to my DS. We had a difficult time around the last Father's Day where he was hyperventilating through upset. We talked about his dad for well over an hour. How do I broach this subject again?

I feel like I'm torturing the poor boy as he's always asking can my DP be his daddy. I don't know what to say to him anymore

I just know we can't go on like this. I want to help him so much

What does your DS know about his absent biological father?

Does he see fathers as something that don't stay around?

He knows very little. He knows someone helped make him but he can't see him as he didn't think he could be a good daddy to him. He also believes he is far away (all true) he's abroad somewhere....no idea where

He sees a daddy as someone who is nice and fun and who will pick him up from school. Can't get much more out of him than that

You describe how dsd asks for a cuddle if your ds gets one from you. Is ds confident enough to ask your partner for a cuddle if dsd has one?

A lot of the angry behaviour from your ds sounds like sibling rivalry. There's been many a time that I've had to intervene in an argument, punish one child and the other stick up for the sibling who was being a pain in a bum to them moments ago.

I agree with you that 3 months after co-habiting is too soon to call your partner Dad but I also agree with the posters that Father's Day could end up as a flash point for ds.

Last Father's Day was absolute hell. I'm dreading it

You seem to have a lot of problems from both dc reading through your other threads. You haven’t realistically been together long before you’ve moved it and this is why your DS is reacting to this situation.

As for your DS calling him Dad I think the fact you’re dp doesn’t feel comfortable him calling that then that’s something you’ve got to explain to your DS. My DH has been in DS life since he was two and he’s now 9 he refers to him as his name. It doesn’t mean they don’t have a good relationship though.

What stuff do you do with your DS on a one to basis.

Has he got a close relationship with a grandfather or uncle? Someone related who can do stuff with aswell as your dp?

I wouldn't say we had too many problems with the children at all until moving in. They were both so keen for it and excited. They had the odd squabble but nothing major...that was the one area where things seemed ok. My other threads are about the difficulties we have had with my DP ex. That's another story though

We do all sorts. Play football with him, take him swimming, race him on PS4 game, cuddle and watch a film, get him to help me cook. Last Saturday I sat and played monopoly with him (he loves it) which went on for hours and finished the game on Sunday morning.

I have no family nearby. My stepdad is a couple of hours away and biological dad is in California

Are school referring to a psychologist? If so you may be waiting quite a while. There's huge demand and lack of resources in that area.

Have you considered play therapy as a way for your DS to work out his anger issues? You could even try some role play/doll play/ Lego play etc yourself to try to understand what's making him angry?

I think that 7 is a funny age for lots of children generally. They become less egocentric and more interested in relationships with others. Has he just moved to Y3? If so that is a big adjustment in itself and moving house will have thrown him too. Keep the lines of communication open and he will know that you care.

Your DP isn’t your DS’s dad. And you are right not to allow him to use that term.

I agree.
What happens if you break up.

Your DP has no parental obligation to him and could just disappear from his life.