Feel like a single parent to DS when step kids are over

[annie2600]

So I have a 10 week old son with my partner, he’s my first child. My partner has 2 children with his ex who are 6 and 9. We have a great relationship, I have not taken on a parental role as they do not require it (their mum is very much present in their life and we have a good relationship with her) we have them every other weekend and 1 night in the week.

We recently moved house and made sure their bedrooms were lovely, they picked out paint and wallpaper and both got new furniture. My OH does all the running round for the kids so they can go to clubs etc and picks them up/drops them up every time they come to ours.

It seems whenever they are over I end up looking after our baby while OH does fun activities with the older kids. As I am on maternity leave and live away from all my family this is making me very lonely as I spend all my days in the week alone with my son too (aside from occasional baby group) Don’t get me wrong I love my son to bits but I would love a break and me looking after him on my own 99% if the time isn’t really what I imagined this to be like.

When it’s a weekend we don’t have my step kids OH goes out for drinks or immerses himself in a massive DIY job so it is same story on them weekends too.

I have tried to speak to him and he admits he is finding it hard to balance, any advice on how we can make this work better?

It’s making me so down and dread my step kids coming which is horrible as we do have a great relationship but it’s obviously different now Baby is here. I just want to feel like a family again like we did before.

Also to add my step kids love their baby bro.

Congratulations on your baby!

It’s an adjustment all round when there’s a newborn. When DC2 was born, I wrapped her up and she came to all of DS’ activities. That’s the way families with small children work. Go with them and enjoy a hot choc together while the older DC play.

Your husband needs to make it possible for you all to participate in family life when his children are with you (ie. involve you and the baby where possible when they go out and do things) and stop leaving you alone when they aren't. He seems to like the idea of part time parenthood but not full time parenthood?

You need to get your partner to take your DS for a chunk of time on the weekends, whether he has his other kids there or not. I'd tell him you're surprised he isn't keener on bonding with the baby. And that DIY can wait. Book some time out with your own friends too.

Well, he needs to knock the other weekends of drinking sessions and mammoth DIY tasks on the head - he’s got 3 DC now, and he should be prioritising your new baby (and you!) when the older DC aren’t around.

Totally understandable to keep routines as close as possible to “ before baby”, at least in the short-term, because you don’t want any jealousy or insecure feelings from the DSC about their new half-sibling. But he should put you all first at the moment, and himself down the list.

Why are you putting up with him disengaging every weekend?

10 week olds are pretty portable, why don’t you go along with them?

I don't give him too much of a hard time because I don't want the kids to resent our new baby and they do need entertaining or they can become nightmares!

Think he thinks he's giving me a break from the kids by taking them out the way but in reality he's creating an us and them kind of situation.

I know I'm on maternity leave but that doesn't mean it's my full time job to look after our son even on weekends!

Maybe this is hormones but it's getting me so down, keep thinking of how much easier it would be if I moved back to where I'm from with all my family round me for support (there's a sea in between)

You are not a single parent. You have a partner who works and helps provide for your family. He probably assumes keeping the older children out of the way is doing you a favour. Why not join in? If they are preparing food in another room, why not join them? Baby can sit in your arms, in a Moses basket or a pram. Offer baby to a step child to hold? Ask for help feeding if you are not breastfeeding? Can they put the steriliser on or clothes in the washing basket? Ask for help. Don’t expect people to know what you’re thinking or feeling because you will constantly feel disappointed. Tell them how they can help, insert yourself into the family, expect to be included.

But there a lot of difference between giving him a hard time and asking for what you need.
He can't disengage like this. He needs to give the drinking and diy a miss, and put his new son in a sling and take him out with you and the older kids.

You are not a single parent 😡
Plan something you can do with baby; ceramic painting, bowling, kids am cheap cinema, swimming. The list is endless

I'd focus on the drinking/diy weekends, no reason they need to carry on right now.

He’s escaping into his older kids or diy and it is unfair on you. It is creating a them and us. His older kids and your DH need to fit around the baby most of the time, not all, but most. Like I presume you do! I’d go out on his diy weekends leaving him with the baby - take a day class somewhere - you need a break.

Bowling with a ten week old? Cinema?

I suspect he wants to devote time to them, when they are there which is understandable.

The issue is him escaping on then other weekend as well.

Have you told him the situation is making you want to move back to family.

Unless he realises how strongly you feel he won't do anything about it.

Thanks everyone, think single parent was the wrong term to use but seemed to sum it up for the title (my first post sorry)

I think you are right I need to concentrate on our non kid weekends first then move on to the ones where we do have our older kids.

I know things will get better as DS gets older, just really sucks right now. I have gone on the outings as a family but still seems to be me and baby all the time, pushing Pram, feeding changing etc. I don't expect him to ignore the older children obviously but a bit of help would be nice and don't want my DS to miss out on dad time either.

I have told him how much I miss Home and how much easier it would be if I was there, he apologizes (which he doesn't have to) but issue is still the same.

I have now organized a night out for our next non child weekend so he will have to stay in and babysit.

I haven't felt great since the birth of our son, first recovering from episiotomy, then sinus infection and virus, also anaemic so sure this is affecting my mood too

I'd ask him to take the baby with him to some of the activities he does with the stepkids. A 4 week old is much easier to take along on errands than a toddler.
On the other weekend, he needs to prioritise time with you and his baby over the DIY.

Congratulations on your baby!

This really stood out for me:

When it’s a weekend we don’t have my step kids OH goes out for drinks or immerses himself in a massive DIY job so it is same story on them weekends too.

This indicates that it isn't your stepkids who are the problem, here - it's your DH. He doesn't seem to have adjusted to the fact that he has a baby as well as two slightly older children.

The weekends that aren't set aside for your stepkids - you make plans for them, and stick to those plans. If you have friends, arrange to meet for a weekend lunch, and tell (don't ask - tell) your DH that you are leaving the baby with him. Or do something - anything - by yourself. Go to the movies. Take yourself to lunch. Have a walk. Anything! And stick to it, and don't allow your DH to brush you off with excuses.

Of course it's great that your dh is so devoted to his children and wants to spend as muh time as possible with them

But he needs to give his head a wobble and realise that his new child has to be a part of the family as a whole, and that won't happen all by itself. Blending a family takes conscious effort. He's letting down all three children (as well as you!) by treating it as two separate family units.

I'd have a serious talk with him about how you can all work together to integrate the children and work towards one family unit while they are there. It can be done, but only if everyone makes an effort.

Drinking sessions are out — he’s focussed on his other kids one weekend and on himself the other, which is not how it works! Diy is mutually agreed not just he feels like it. And you do need to go along occasionally to be setting the scene for him taking all 3 out (assuming bf so he can’t take the baby on his own for long at the moment, as you don’t suggest that as an option)

We are not bf he always just says it's easier if baby doesn't come.

Agree it's not my SC that are the issue but OH is not balancing his time well.

Think I will just arrange things for myself and he will have to babysit. I presume his thinking is as it's a non kid weekend and he works full time that this is his weekend for a break but what he doesn't realise is that I never get a break! I have not been away from DS for more than 3 hours yet and that was a trip to ikea which was hell anyway! Maternity leave is hard bloody work, even having the time to shower without baby screaming is difficult at times!

He's taking the piss by not giving you proper breaks. That's nothing to do with his other kids, he's just being selfish. Definitely book some time out for yourself and tell him he's looking after the baby. It's not babysitting, he's the dad!

Please get away from the mindset that he is babysitting - he isn't he is parenting his DS. He isn't doing you a favour babysitting, he is being responsible for his own child...

Don't beat yourself up. I appreciate that single parents out there feel insulted by you using the term to describe your situation but that shouldn't mean you're not entitled to feeling the way you do. Everything is relative. There is a certain inflexibility with tiny babies that sometimes means you can't just wrap them up and bring them out with you everywhere. I know mine had huge issues in the first 6 months and that just wasn't possible sometimes - let alone the exhaustion you feel as a new mum. I too have stepkids that are here every other weekend and when my dd (who is now nearly 3) was first born, it was incredibly hard (and still is). I too have no family nearby and limited friends (just the women I met through nct who are all doing family stuff at the weekends with their oh's). It is lonely so don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to feel that. It's tough raising a baby on your own and it's tough raising a baby when your oh is around and not engaging. There are many situations that make raising a child tough. You shouldn't be made to feel you don't have a right to find your situation tough. It is a tough role being a step mum. I can confirm that. It can feel isolating. I have single mum friends who have their own network based around the fact that they're single mums. I'm not intentionally excluded but am naturally excluded. And it's hard mixing with people who aren't in step family units because your weekends are inflexible and you can't make some social engagements because it's a kids weekend, so you end up falling off people's radars. Being part of a stepfamily is neither here nor there. Of course, this is different if you're surrounded by friends and family but if you aren't, it is hard. Have you managed to get yourself to baby groups in the week? This can help to build up a social circle. Now that dd is older, I might take her to go see family if it's a kid's weekend. Another, I might go on my own and leave dd with oh (so he has to manage all three together). But not in the early days. It's hard enough just getting a shower! Integration of activities does get easier as baby grows. We did walks together but 10 weeks is still so young. We were pretty housebound in those early days. But I can see there's also the issue of your oh generally not helping so you def need to think if you want to tackle him on that. Hang in there. It does get easier. Admittedly, my ss's are older (15 & 17) but we've had to split holidays because it was too hard trying to get everyone's needs met when we all went together (it usually ended up with ss's having a great holiday, dd not getting much say in what she wanted to do and two cross adults). Once you feel you're on top of motherhood, plan some weekends away with friends/family, even if it's with your baby because at least you'll be with other people. Also, as baby gets older, the amount of stuff in the car reduces!! In the meantime, can you ask people to come and see you on a kids weekend? Even if it's just for a day. It would be a really good tonic. x

Think I will just arrange things for myself and he will have to babysit

Parents don’t babysit, they parent. He needs to start from the sounds of it, because you’ve become default parent and he isn’t engaging at all.

He's not babysitting, as pp have said, he's parenting. The phrase I would start using is 'your turn'. When he goes out with the older ones, tell him this time it's 'his turn' to take the baby too. Of course it's easier not to - but as a parent you don't always get to take the easy option. And it's not fair that one parent always gets that benefit when the other doesn't.