Feel like a single parent to DS when step kids are over

[annie2600]

So I have a 10 week old son with my partner, he’s my first child. My partner has 2 children with his ex who are 6 and 9. We have a great relationship, I have not taken on a parental role as they do not require it (their mum is very much present in their life and we have a good relationship with her) we have them every other weekend and 1 night in the week.

We recently moved house and made sure their bedrooms were lovely, they picked out paint and wallpaper and both got new furniture. My OH does all the running round for the kids so they can go to clubs etc and picks them up/drops them up every time they come to ours.

It seems whenever they are over I end up looking after our baby while OH does fun activities with the older kids. As I am on maternity leave and live away from all my family this is making me very lonely as I spend all my days in the week alone with my son too (aside from occasional baby group) Don’t get me wrong I love my son to bits but I would love a break and me looking after him on my own 99% if the time isn’t really what I imagined this to be like.

When it’s a weekend we don’t have my step kids OH goes out for drinks or immerses himself in a massive DIY job so it is same story on them weekends too.

I have tried to speak to him and he admits he is finding it hard to balance, any advice on how we can make this work better?

It’s making me so down and dread my step kids coming which is horrible as we do have a great relationship but it’s obviously different now Baby is here. I just want to feel like a family again like we did before.

Also to add my step kids love their baby bro.

Think you're all right about the babysitting term, I automatically think of it that way because it is presumed I should look after him but really it should be 50/50 in our 'free' time. Presume it comes from the situation with BM where she looks after them most of the time and we have them EOW, maybe this has affected his mindset.

@AbiBanbury thank you seems you really understand my situation! It is hard taking baby on kiddie outings especially this time of year with the weather. And even then when it is just me caring for him when we are out it's easier just to stay at home!

Think I will just have to wait it out until DS is older and things become easier. In the meantime I will be making more plans for myself and OH will need to learn that the weekend is my only free time too. I need to be more forceful in utilizing it!

because it is presumed I should look after him

Knock this on the head sharpish!

@Notreallyarsed think you're right, making a rod for my own back by carrying on this way

He’s being lazy because he knows he can get away with it. To be honest I couldn’t be attracted to a partner who did that.
You deserve time to yourself too.

@Butterymuffin I'm always thinking it will be easier for him if I look after DS while we have SC but I should have realised he can't always have it easy because it's making me miserable!

Oh dear, annie, how was when the SC were little. Have you any idea, have you asked him?

but I should have realised he can't always have it easy because it's making me miserable!

And he should have realised that he wasn't playing fair, making you the default parent. Thank goodness for MN to point it out, all the best

It would be easier for him not to take the baby? No shit sherlock. It would be easier for you if he did...

@FinallyHere was very different when SC were little, he worked away for 3 months then back for 3 so guess the BM was primary parent. Now they've split up she is the one who has them the majority of the time.

Hi @annie2600 - your dp sounds quite like my ex. He has our three (a tween, a teen & an adult) & two toddlers with his dp. I sometimes feel our three are 'used' to get out of having to go back to parenting babies - if that makes any sense.
He made no secret of the fact that he didn't want any more kids & that he was only having more for his dp's sake (not saying this is your situation). His dp lets him away with this and as a result is tied to the house.
Babies can be quite boring (once you're a seasoned parent) & while they are transportable they are also limiting timewise due to feeding, nappies etc. so I'm not surprised he's leaving baby behind 😕.
My advice to you would be to arrange some me time for yourself & force him to take the baby both by himself & with his other kids.
Your challenge here is going to be balancing family time with his older kids right to have their dad to themselves sometimes & with your need for some time to yourself.
Good luck.

@Magda72 thanks for your reply! I do know there'll be times OH needs to spend alone time with the older kids obviously they will want alone time with their dad or might want to do a non baby friendly activity - but this definitely needs to be balanced better with the needs of DS and of me! Going to just tell him my plans in future and he will have to step up.

I don't want the us and them to appear to the SC like I just want to spend time with baby and not join in because that couldn't be more opposite. I want family time! And a break sometimes!

We have 3DC’s baby is now 10months; it’s -15 where we live, we emigrated when DS3 was 4mths but that’s a whole other thread...

The problem with arranging things for yourself (which I think is vital) is that it can end up with baby being with one of you and not both of you.

The other thing I’ve found to be invaluable, is that I take a shower before DH goes to work, at first baby was grouchy but now they have their own rapport. 10 weeks is so brand new for all of you. Your DH is probably struggling with how to blend and balance everyone.

If I was you I’d actually start with the weekends your DSC are there; could you take them to an activity - theatre/cinema/swimming and leave Daddy to have some bonding time? That might be quite nice for your DSC as they might be missing you too and vice versa.

Another thing to try when he comes home from work would be to pour yourself a nice glass of wine and head upstairs to make a phone call, your mum/sis/friend etc leave baby with dad, as I know it’s impossible to even have a good chat/catch up when your mind is completely occupied with baby.

Another is maybe go for a massage, just an hour and a half in the evenings occasionally and Daddy could put baby down for bed. The same for Saturday morning hair cut/nails etc

I remember with our first DD (now 7) I was so overwhelmed becoming a mum that I didn’t let DH do anything for the first couple of months as I thought only I could do it well, I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing but it’s important for you both to be a team as soon as possible- “parenthood is a marathon not a sprint” is what my nana says.

To stop his DIY projects (which I think might be a coping strategy/stress relief for him) make plans for the 3 of you, book somewhere for lunch, find things on that you want to go to/want to see - this gives you something to look forward to after a week in with baby and it means you can spend time together, also dad will have to muck in so you can eat a nice lunch. I know it’s hard and I know it’s seems so huge, I’ve been there, but you will find your groove together, it’s an adjustment all round

Yeah word to the wise

Don't do what I did and move back home because you're lonely/depressed/ overwhelmed and take your family at their word that they'll do anything, everything to help you

I believed that and i now really am a single mother, family are useless 90% of the time (given help is begrudging) and my M took us in for three months (stay for a year at least, she said) before she asked me to move out with my 9mo. 300 miles away from my adopted home city, friends, ex, and career.

I'm now working FT, single parenting a toddler, with very very little by way of support - and should have stayed in London where at least I had friends around me
Who really WOULD/ did do anything for us.

Cautionary tale

To a degree what is happening here is what happens when you have a baby with any older child (i.e. not step child).

The older child will inevitably require a different quality of attention and in many ways are harder work. It is quite common for the DH to focus on them, especially if the newborn is breastfed.

Please don't just assume things will get better when your child is older. If your husband and baby do not develop a close bond now, baby will not ask for daddy's cuddles and attention and will reach for you which becomes a circular situation. I think you are being too kind. This is not your partner managing his time poorly. he is choosing not be an active parent to your child.

Thanks guys, I know I should have expected this to some extent and I did know I wasn't going to get the same experience as people who have their first child together and no SC (which took a long time to get my head around) I'm just finding it a bit isolating and disappointing - I'm all for being one family unit and don't want it to feel like my SC are only part time family members but the 'blending' isn't really working at the min

I think you're completely reasonable to feel lonely and isolated, because your dh isn't being fair to you at all. I wonder whether some of the "best father in the world" act on contact weekends is him avoiding stepping up and sharing the care for his 10 week old who is pretty much all hard work and no reward at this age. You're absolutely right that he's not helping the "blended family" to work. He needs a kick up the bum, and you need a break

I wouldn't be best pleased ... how are the children meant to bond with their new brother or sister .... talk about divide the family.