Stepdaughters mother is unbearable

[meme70]

I’ve been with DH 5 years I’ve 3 daughters 13,18,22 eldest lives in her own house.
SD is 11 her mother is controlling and demanding never buys her daughter clothes uniform etc and owes hundreds in child support.

I have provided and paid and got all SD clothes uniform etc as DH and BM argues why they shouldn’t leaving SD without I even provide clothes for SD at her BM as otwroawe she has none.

Well in the UK we aren’t allowed to take children out school for family holidays or we get a fine separated parents get a fine each.

So SD has been invited on a friends family holiday so School will fine both parents and DH doesn’t want SD out of school when it’s nit allowed.
So BM has said she’ll pay both fines

I’m upset as I have brought everything that SD neeeded for 5 years and her mother refused and DH is agreeing SD goes.
He expects me to do all her clothes buying washing cooking cleaning but not have a say in what she’s allowed to do.

What can I do to show these people they are disrespecting me and bringing they’re child up wrong saying we aren’t buying you clothes and uniform but you can go in a holiday that’s not allowed but we can fund the cash to pay fines ?

Thanks

Step back and leave them to it. Spend your cash on your own dc.

I’m confused does she live at your house full and the dm pays maintenance? Tbh I get maintenance and I buy majority of ds clothing although ex pays for clothing for his house a small collection ( his own choice) he doesn’t pay towards uniforms. I agree you need to stop paying and let your dh foot the bill.

Why are you even with a man who is so petty that he’ll leave his daughter without clothes or uniform because he thinks the mum should be buying them (they both should be providing and should both be ashamed of themselves). Does he provide for your 3 children or is it all a one way street for him?

I agree that you should just stop. The child has 2 parents and it’s their responsibility to provide for her. As bad as you might feel for your SD her mum and dad currently have no reason to put their hands in their pockets when they know full well that you’re going to cover it for them.

You sound like a very caring woman - don’t let them take advantage of it.

You are being taken advantage of by all parties - her mother and father. If the mother can afford fines, she can afford uniforms. Just stop buying them.

I'm gathering she lives with you? When you say you buy her uniform and the rest, is that because you have separate accounts and/or you are paying it out of your own disposable income?

If the latter, than you just shouldn't. These costs should come out of the joint account with maintenance going into it (if/when paid) or should be paid by her father.

The issue with the holiday is that there isn't much compromise, it's either agreeing to her going out of school or not. They both say it's ok, you say no, so you could say that 2 out of 3 wins. I do understand your frustration though, so definitely time to take a step back.

Under the law step parents can be fined too if that's what the LEA decides to do.

I would keep a record of you telling a parent you disagree with the child going on holiday.

It's one of those situations where you wish the LEA would take the parents straight to court without bothering about a fine which they can also do if they want.

I agree that the rules around who gets the fine is very confusing. Is it based on residency, PR, whoever is taken the child out, the luck of the draw?

Hi thanks for your replies

No she doesn’t live with us she was for a few months as social services had some issues with BM but all was okay
BM has to pay maintence never would

BM gets all SD child tax credits and child benefits and DH pays child support but BM refuses to buy anything for her child and as DH pays child support he feels BM should pay 50% of everything
I got SD clothes as I felt sorry for her as her parents just were at logger heads over providing for her.

I am not stopping buying anything - no my husband buys nothing for my daughters and does nothing for them I have and do all his daughters washing cooking cleaning for 5 years

Why am I with him as I live him - he’s a rubbish parent but he has rubbish parents so he’s not learnt by they’re mistake sadly.

Yes we have separate banks and I used my income to buy all SD needed and her BM knows this.

I do feel frustrated though as I do feel it’s weing he expects me to do his job but if I step back he gets cross with me.

I didn’t know SP can get fined but I’m not a parent with care ?

SD told me the family who are going have told SD friend to lie say she’s ill so they don’t get a fine these people are mother a teacher father a social worker sonwhat hope have we got ?

Thankyou

Sorry I am stopping buying everything plus I love him that’s why I’m with him I can’t force him to be a good parent

Sometimes love isn’t enough and you might be doing a disservice to your own dc by funding his own sd.

What’s DC stand for ? Thanks

My children have never gone without I would always go without myself

DC is 'Dear Children'.

If the child is not living with you, then I do think it is appropriate that her parents makes the decision on whether it is ok for her to miss school or not rather than you.

As you've recognised though, it sounds like you're the only proper parenting figure to this child, so it must be hard. Don't let this upset you, a few days missing school won't do much harm and most likely less than what she will get out of the holidays.

Very very sad that two parents would argue on who should pay for a kid's school uniform.

You are not the parent so have no financial responsibility for your SD. Nor do you have a say in how she is raised. You'll find life much easier if you focus on raising your own children. As a SM it's not your job to resolve disputes between the parents, no matter how sorry you feel for her situation. It is your job to hold your DH accountable and encourage him to be a better parent.

Your not her parent as much as you’d like to be.
It sounds like She needs you in her life as your the only one who will put her first unfortunately her parents are useless but they are her parents and it’s their decision.

I think you need to take a step back and concentrate on your own kids.
Your DH sounds awful and I can’t see why you love a man who can’t look after his own child, begrudges spending money on her and is fucking useless in general.

Well people love men that beat them up steal and murder and yes he’s tight but that’s as he has had to pay for everything for years as the mother won’t - the mother tells her daughter it’s your dads responsibility to buy everything.
I don’t like the way some on here are suggesting I don’t focus on my own children ? My children have come first I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old that live at home only and they come first above anyone or anything I’m unsure why people on here are suggesting I’m not concentrating on them?

Well it’s easy to say she should go on holiday out of school time when there’s a law in place you can’t that’s why you get fined - the issue is that her mother won’t buy her child any clothes ever and then will pay 2 fines for a holiday that’s my bug bare I have provided clothing for the child as her mother point blank refuses I’m sure most of you here wouldn’t watch a child go without ?

What am I meant to do. I cook for everyone in the house do all they’re washing etc and not do SD ? How bad does that make me look ?
Yes her dad should not make me feel or expect me to do everything for her but it’s pretty hard for any one who is a mother to leave a child out from the ages 6 to 11.

Believe me I don’t want to be her parent I just want a peaceful life and the mother won’t let us have one. If we don’t do as mother wants she then says we can’t see SD or she doesn’t want to see SD and that’s what I’ve lived with for many years.

I do understand people saying why do I love a man who doesn’t do much for his child sadly we live in a world where some people can’t parent or find it hard and him not buying her uniform or clothes won’t be happening anymore as I’ve put my foot down.
The rest of the care for SD I will gradually stear him to do. I have said multiple times she’s your child your responsibility then he says well your doing it for everyone else so what the difference doing it ( cooong washing ) for his daughter ?
I say as if you can’t why should you expect me to?

He wasn’t brought up the best no excuses but our parents do mound us into the adults we become - though I’ve made sure I’m completely opposite to my parents it doesn’t mean everyone can see the errors of they’re ways.

I do not want to be this child’s parent I am her step parent and I certainly don’t want to be buying everything she needs when she has 2 parents perfectly able so I have stopped as of this year. I’ve also told DH he can cook for SD Wednesdays as she’s with us 3 days then later he can cook for her another day.
As her mother gets child tax credits and child benefit again for her she can provide for her xhidnkkw the rest of us do for ours.

All I’ve tried to do is make this child feel not neglected and I’ve looked after her lies I do my children you can’t really treat a child different if they part live in your house it’s just not good for a child who already feels let down by her birth parents but I am stepping back gradually.

You seem to focus your blame on the mother even in your title when your dh is as equally if not so more responsible for what goes on in your household and how your treated. Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you this way. A decent person wouldn’t begrudge paying for a basic need of a child such as clothing, regardless of him having an shit up bringing that doesn’t make it right, it’s a poor excuse. Your other dc are around and witnessing your husband treat you in this way. The holiday is a red herring here plenty of parents go away and pay the fine the issue her is two squabbling parent who are a disgrace.

No the issue is the mother has made my life hell
When I was in intensive care fighting for my life as I had lost a baby at 5 minus pregnant to sepsis this mother kept texting my husband who was at my bedside to ah e the child even though this mother had been on holiday all inclusive alone for 16 nights with no children - they have 4 between them mother and her husband.

This mother has been at my door and screamed at me as she thinks I should do everything for the child not her ex the dad me.

This mother has takwn clothes from me for herself and her other daughter and then thinks its okay to demand more.

Yes my husband is not a great father doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me some people aren’t as kind as others and it’s not fair to say sometimes doesn’t love me all because he DIDNT supply everything for his child.
Why defend a women who tells her child unless your step mother carries in supplying your clothing and your dad paying for everything else you can’t see them or I don’t want to see you ?
To me this mother is a disgrace my husband has paid for everything else School trips hobbies etc and now he buys everything as I stopped and he’s realised he’s done wrong BUT. He’s told mother she is also responsible for providing with that she’s taken him to court so he has to provide and buy everything and all her childcare when mother works ? If you think the ‘mother’ isn’t to blame come live in my world for a week tidbsoon change your mind .

You don’t understand my issue with holiday
Why do you think it’s okay this Moyer can pay £120 school fines but will not at all clothe her children ????
Isn’t a holiday a luxury ? How’s that bringing up a child okay ?

Okay as I seem to keep being bashed on here I will not bother reading anymore I’m not sure why some of you think you have a right to personally attack me when all I’ve done is proved for a child that isn’t mine and keep saying basically I’m damaging my children letting this happen?
Believe me damaging a child is what the mother has done to her child and my husband pays for everything except clothing which is a lot School trips £200+ a time brownies then girl guides clubs etc then this mother has in her head she should and will not at any cost but her child anything or pay for anything.

So yes it is the mother that is wrong !
Can you imagine letting your child go without and if the dad and his wife won’t carry on doing as the mother says she won’t let you see the child or tells the child she doesn’t want to see her anymore ?
Seems this mother is being defended in here lmao well I hope you one day are blessed with a person like her as believe me she’s made me ill several times with her behaviours teaching her children to work cash in hand and use food banks to going on holidays getting take always and drinking and taking drugs but telling her children she can’t affird anything they need it’s thuere dads jobs to provide

I acme here as this mother has made my life hell and my husbands which she told him she will use her child to do this....

But your a fan of the mother so Thankyou for making me feel sh*t

I put my children first always have and I then cared for a child who’s mother is not deserving of a child I have a clear conscious it’s not my job to make my husband be the father he should and you need to stop bashing people on here and look at your own lives

Bye

No ones accusing you of neglecting your children, all people are saying is stop focusing so much on a child that’s not yours.
You can only do so much. And if you don’t want to do it, don’t.
I wonder how many times the child has heard you rattle of how much you do for her. Poor things probably got no self esteem and thinks all adults resent her.

Personally attacking you? Christ OP, you posted on a forum asking for people’s opinions, you got them. No one is attacking you, grow up!

You seem to be focusing all your hatred onto your SD mother. Yes, she should be providing for her child but so should your bloody husband. Take the blinkers off. It's no wonder children end up so bloody messed up. You're all adults and need to fix the situation ASAP!

Definitely a case of you didn't get the answer you were looking for. That is the risk of Mumsnet. People don't see eye to eye in all cases.

In my opinion as a sp, you need to withdraw slightly for your own mental wellbeing. There is such a thing as doing to much to no reward. I think that your DP needs to pay for your sd clothes and you should leave the financial burden of these fines on their conscience. By all means continue to provide love and support to sd but as you are not her parent I think all your worrying is putting you in the line for unnecessary anxiety and stress.
Your financial responsibility should be for your own dc. Leave the squabbling to your DP and your sd dm. Please take heart you care a lot about this child but I think you've done more than enough. The rest as they say is up to them.

You might not even get a fine

WTF that was a rant and half. No one said the mother wasn’t to blame but your full of excuses for your dh who won't even provide clothing for his child.Thats the crux of the situation. It sounds as if both are happy for you to pick up the slack. No one was attacking you.

There comes a time when a persons parents actions when that person was a child can no longer be used as an excuse.

That ends about 20. Your DH is a terrible Dad because he chooses to be. Not because it's all he knows.