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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult ss and holidays

75 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 14/01/2018 16:59

Ss 21 lives with his mum a 3 hr trip away. He refuses to have anything to do with me, never been able to give dh an explanation as to what his problem is with me. He therefore meets up with dh alone which is fine by me as I gave up after my last conciitory attempt a year ago. They spend a day together whenever ss is free.

He has always been asked on family holidays but refuses to come due to my presence. He is now telling dh he wants a holiday alone with him, or just him and dh’s other children.

I said to dh that when ss gets married (he has a serious gf), if anyone suggested he was welcome on holiday but not his wife, he’d be understandably upset.It seems dh is expected to have separate holidays- which is ridiculous. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Inthishouse · 14/01/2018 23:02

I think you can't win in this situation, so it's best to step back and let DH do what he thinks is right but you don't have to pretend to be happy about it.
If you put your foot down and DH's relationship with his son breaks down, you'll get the blame, but equally, you can't force SS to accept you.

MidnightExpress1 · 14/01/2018 23:04

After your update that’s even worse that he wants your dh to pay for and I’m assuming you won’t get a holiday of your own and your own dc. He’s not a child anymore although he is acting like one and he should show you the common courtesy that you show his dp. It sounds like this is a power trip especially with the thread of cutting him off. If your dh panders to him he will forever be doing so.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 14/01/2018 23:06

SS sounds quite manipulative but it is understandable that your DH wants to maintain contact and is therefore considering this holiday

If your DH and his kids all love skiing but it's not you or your DC's thing then I would just let them get on with it TBH

If on the other hand skiing is something you would normally all do together then I would be more inclined to stand your ground and not let SS get his own way

Areyouready · 14/01/2018 23:08

I’m not following this.
Your husband’s son, wants to have a holiday with just his dad, and his own siblings.
You think you should go too, and take your own children. Your children have a different father.
You don’t like each other, but still want to go.
Just because you want to ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 23:09

What would DH say if SS said he wanted £5k or he wouldn’t want to see his dad again?

Sounds like he’s holding to him to random if the deal is fancy schmantzy holiday or the relationship is at risk.

It must be embarrassing to have a child that’s so rude, immature and grabby. Why has it got like this?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 14/01/2018 23:15

We normally go on a family skiing holiday but not this year for various reasons. Ss has made it clear to dh he won’t be coming on future famiy ski trips but would like a separate one.

I would love dh to grow a pair and tell him that he loves spending time with him but this is ridiculous, expense-wise too. Inthishouse yes, I assume I would get the blame if ss cuts him off. I guess I’m torn between wanting my dh to be happy and not wanting to be treated with disrespect by him in allowing ss to get away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 14/01/2018 23:18

AnneLovesGilbert I know. They are spoilt and all have either threatened or have actually cut him off in the past. One has now cut him off for 6 months now and dh is terrified of same again. I feel so much resentment that they have this power over him.

OP posts:
MidnightExpress1 · 14/01/2018 23:21

Op he is a man he can’t manipulate his df at your expense. Your dh is entitled to have a relationship with yourself and your dc. The fact he completely expects his df at 21 to pay for a holiday for him and his sibling is astounding. He should be paying for his own holiday at that age or going away with his dp. I think it will only get worse if your dh allows this poor treatment of you continue.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 14/01/2018 23:28

Thanks Midnight, if it were a family holiday and ss came with us then of course we would pay for him. It’s more the demanding of a separate one that rankles. Dh supports all the children financially, not great parenting I know but that’s another topic and I have given up trying to change his thinking.

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 15/01/2018 08:31

Op it sounds bad...your DH needs to back you up here..his adult son doesn't get to dictate his fathers relationship..its ridiculous...
As your DH wife you don't deserve that kind if treatment..the sole fact that your DH is even contemplating going without you and is not putting his son in his place screams trouble..your marriage won't last unless he changes something...you as a couple need therapy..

As for DC cutting him off..why would they if it meant him cutting the money off? He is not powerless

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 15/01/2018 16:49

Thanks WhiteCat, I know we need therapy for this. Dh has a deep rooted fear of losing his children and they are so aware of it. He has no reason to feel guilty for end of his last marriage as ex had an affair.

He says there’s nothing wrong with a ‘boy’s trip’ but i know there wouldn’t be one if ss had no problem with me. The attraction for ss is his dad pays which I have no problem with, but what happens when he has a family of his own- will dh holiday with them and us separately? Madness.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 15/01/2018 17:00

that means dh would be pandering to their fantasy that he didn’t remarry and that I dont exist.
I think you are imagining things that are not there. I go away with my kids without my DH every year and most likely will continue to do so when they are adults. It's nothing to do with pretending I've never married him and he doesn't exist, it just means that I can give them my full attention and from my perspective, I find it so much less stressful than constantly being in the middle trying to please both them and DH.

Similarly, DH goes away with his friends every year and we also regularly go away without the kids.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 15/01/2018 17:31

Swing In your case it really is as simple as that- everyone’s happy with things. But in mine there is so much bad feeling and resentment on his kids’ part (who still blame him for dh not asking their ‘permission’ to marry me), and on mine because I wish dh would simply say “ss I have no intention of leaving my wife at home, unless of course you can tell me what your problem is with her”. that there’s definitely more to it.

I didn’t get remarried to lead separate lives, the odd holiday ok, but hypothetically when his kids have their own families and can’t synchronise their holidays, would that mean 3 a year without me? It just feels wrong.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2018 19:18

That’s because it IS wrong.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 15/01/2018 19:49

What he’s saying is: I don’t want to go on holiday with her- should that mean I can never be on holiday with you dad? Is this wrong? That’s what I wanted to know. Thanks AnneLoves, I guess I think it is too.

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 15/01/2018 20:16

Would the ski trip be a weekend or a full week and does your DH have adequate money and annual leave to be able to have the occasional trip with his kids in addition to all the holidays you would want to have together with him?

This is a really difficult situation and I can see how it is far from ideal for you but putting myself in your shoes I think I'd be more inclined to tolerate them having occasional holidays as long as it doesn't mean less holidays for you as a couple

I would also think about how unpleasant it might be sharing a holiday with someone who has made no secret of their dislike for you

I really hope for your DH's sake that his son improves with age as he sounds like a very bitter and manipulate person

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 15/01/2018 21:02

You’re right shaggedthru I wouldn’t fancy a holiday with him. Money/annual leave aren’t a problem for dh. Ss has always tried to put dh in a position where he has to choose. I would have thought at 21 he’s be past that. Thanks all for advice been interesting to read x

OP posts:
Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 15/01/2018 21:02

You’re right shaggedthru I wouldn’t fancy a holiday with him. Money/annual leave aren’t a problem for dh. Ss has always tried to put dh in a position where he has to choose. I would have thought at 21 he’s be past that. Thanks all for advice been interesting to read x

OP posts:
Areyouready · 15/01/2018 23:18

How old was your ss when his parents split up?
Perhaps he wishes he could travel back to a time when his world was fixed and safe?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/01/2018 09:51

I see you're trying to be sympathetic to the SS Areyouready but my primary reaction is cry me a bloody river.

My parents split up when I was a teen, when I was 21 I was at uni, living miles away, I was working, paying my way and juggling student loans, back packing around Europe when I could scrape the money together and making an effort to get home and see my Dad, SM, DM and siblings.

Having divorced parents doesn't give an adult, or a child actually, the right to expect financial recompense for life having not turned out as you'd hoped it would.

He's a grown man in a serious relationship of his own. He doesn't get holidays cos his Mum and Dad ended their marriage at some point in the past and he's snippy about his SM.

Where does it end?

swingofthings · 16/01/2018 10:21

Exactly you need to detach the emotional issues from the fact. By agreeing to go this time he is committing to do so every year forever. If money and time is not issue and therefore it doesn't mean you're missing out on a holiday yourself and you say yourself you wouldn't want to go with him then what's the problem?

Are you really expecting you DH to say to him that he will never go away with him at all just to give the message that you're more important in your OH life than his son is?

WhiteCat1704 · 16/01/2018 10:42

swing..DH can get away with him IF he starts treating his SM with basic respect. An adult son does not get to divide a marriage..

You really think its acceptable? If a SS gets married and only invites his father to the weddin that would be fine by you too?
If SS and his wife invite OPs DH for family dinner but exclude her you would be ok with that?
Who would want to live like that...

OPS DH married her and she deserves his loyality and support. DH needs to make it clear to his son that she is staying and she deserves respect and that him and her are a unit. If SS can't accept that he should pay for his own holidays!!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/01/2018 10:57

I’ve just started reading StepMonstet and sadly it seems that these power struggles and guilt trips are all too common in step families.

I’m not sure if the book will go on to have any actual advice, but from my own POV I have decided I’d rather take separate holidays with my DCs and for DP to go away with his and his extended family. He can afford much longer and better Hols than I can, but I’d still rather keep things separate than have to deal with all the competitive attention seeking.

DP and I also get some time away just the two of us, which really helps.

As people often say on here, what you have is a DP problem. He needs to start random up to his DS and stop letting them all manipulate him. If they’re honestly willing to cut contact (and funding) because he won’t bend to their will, he’s not really losing much, his DCs are grabby entitled buggers by the sound of it. Maybe some counselling will help him to man up and stop being taken for a ride and it could help you to express how you feel about it all in a neutral environment. But maybe have a look at that book too, I’ve a feeling that the sense of solidarity alone will be worth the read!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/01/2018 10:58

*Stepmonster

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/01/2018 10:59

*standing up, not random! Stupid phone.

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