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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult ss and holidays

75 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 14/01/2018 16:59

Ss 21 lives with his mum a 3 hr trip away. He refuses to have anything to do with me, never been able to give dh an explanation as to what his problem is with me. He therefore meets up with dh alone which is fine by me as I gave up after my last conciitory attempt a year ago. They spend a day together whenever ss is free.

He has always been asked on family holidays but refuses to come due to my presence. He is now telling dh he wants a holiday alone with him, or just him and dh’s other children.

I said to dh that when ss gets married (he has a serious gf), if anyone suggested he was welcome on holiday but not his wife, he’d be understandably upset.It seems dh is expected to have separate holidays- which is ridiculous. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

KayaG · 16/01/2018 11:02

SS is an adult. Time he started to act like one and pay for his own holidays.

He sounds horrible.

swingofthings · 16/01/2018 11:45

by agreeing to go this time he is committing to do so every year forever
just to be clear, I meant to write isn't committing!

swing..DH can get away with him IF he starts treating his SM with basic respect. An adult son does not get to divide a marriage..
Totally disagree. He is entitled not to like OP for whatever reason and wanting to spend quality time with his father, including a holiday, doesn't mean he is disrespecting OP. He is not dividing a marriage, it's OP having an issue with it who is putting a divide.

It would be different if money and time was an issue so that going away with his son meant he couldn't do so with OP, but that doesn't seem to be the case. He doesn't have to choose, he can do both.

My OH goes on holidays with his friends every year and he tells me that a few of his friends are given a real hard time about it by their wives, even as a one off (despite the fact that they also go on a number of holidays with their wives) and a few invited have said they couldn't go because 'they were not allowed by the wife'. I find this really sad.

If my OH told me that I couldn't go away on holidays with my kids or friends as a matter of principle, this would cause a serious issue in our marriage as to me, it would come across as manipulative and controlling.

MidnightExpress1 · 16/01/2018 14:03

Sorry swing but I have to disagree with you. This behaviour will only worsen especially if op dh give in this time. Is op and her dc expected to forfeit holiday so be adult son gets to go away. Does op get excluded from special occasions weddings and grandchildren for the remainder of their marriage. It’s no way to live been treated like second class all because she had a relationship with his DF.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/01/2018 14:03

EXACTLY!!! But an adult SS can say that his DF can't take his wife to a holiday and demand she is excluded??

swingofthings · 16/01/2018 15:32

Did I miss something? Did OP said that her partner said that she wasn't to go on any can't holidays? I thought she said that money and time wasn't an issue so I assume they can still have a family holiday without the SS but SS also gets to go on a holiday with his dad.

fannyanddick · 16/01/2018 17:07

I think a boys holiday skiing sounds like it would be fun and a good bonding experience. I agree that the son should treat you with respect and not have a problem spending time with you but this may be one of the last opportunity for a father son holiday. And your husband may resent you later if you put a stop to it as in the next few years his son with be holidaying with friends and his own family. Why don't you make it a condition that whilst on holiday he broaches the subject of growing up and how now the son is an adult he needs to treat you better and accept you as a member of the family.

Winosaurus · 16/01/2018 17:34

Is SS planning on inviting his gf along?
If he is that is a massive piss take

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 16/01/2018 21:00

Update- something has come up making the trip impossible on dh’s part so that’s that for now, although I know this isn’t the end of it. Swingofthings I would have thought it was obvious that this wasn’t about a holiday; it’s about my dh showing his son he will not be disrespectful to me. Ds was 9 when his parents split and 12 when I met his dad. He has always tried to cause division, eg making sure to sit on the other side of the pool to me on holiday and asking his dad to sit with him. WhiteCat yes if ss, as an adult, showed me even basic courtesy, I’d have no problem with the issue. Winosaurus no the girlfriend was never going!

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 16/01/2018 21:10

he wants to go skiing, can’t afford it on his own and says he wants to spend quality time with dh

He'd better get saving then. Quality time can happen anywhere. This is blatantly grasping and hoping to edge you out at the same time.

Biglettuce · 16/01/2018 23:47

I think it matters how much time he’s asking for. Yes it’s a bit crap of him to just go off you. However, if I were you, I’d agree to a weekend away, but not a full on holiday. Not unless you can both afford a few holidays a year. You need your own holiday with DP.

Magda72 · 17/01/2018 18:39

Hi @Aroundtheworldandback - I can't believe that your ss is still behaving towards you like this after 9 years!!! Why was he allowed get away with this behavior? No, he doesn't have to think you're the bees knees but he does have to respect you - you are his dad's WIFE.
Is he harboring loyalty to his dm?
I ask as I dated a man once whose adult son refused to have anything to do with me or with his dads previous gf. He basically felt angry as he perceived dad to be moving on (divorced years) while mum was sitting home alone. The issue wasn't really me, the issue was him being angry with his dad as he perceived him as having abandoned his mum & breaking up the family but he projected it on to his dad's partner. Their dynamic was one of the reasons we split & I think it caused the breakdown of this man's previous relationship also - he just gave his son too much agency & he dominated everything.
For the record the marriage broke down as his dm had an affair but everyone stayed schtum about that!

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 17/01/2018 18:47

Exactly Butterymuffin, quality time can happen anywhere, but for ss it can only happen at a 5* place on the slopes.

Magda he’s allowed to get away with it because dh so wants a good relationship with him. As I said upthread, two of them have previously cut him off. Apparently it’s a common theme in step families...I’m not surprised you split over it, but I won’t allow these adult “children” to change the course of my life and take away our happiness

OP posts:

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 18/01/2018 15:12

I'd drop my end of the rope and stop playing. You seem determined to make him "accept" you. It aint happening. Let it go and live your life. (As the song says.)

swingofthings · 18/01/2018 15:25

it’s about my dh showing his son he will not be disrespectful to me
You think that by saying no to his son, it will show that he respects you, but the irony is that it likely to do exactly the opposite. If it is something he did consider, it is something he was probably actually looking forward to do. You telling him that it is not acceptable is likely to end up with him having less respect for you stopping him, for the sole reason to prove to his son, who you clearly consider as competition for your OH affection, that you 'won' that battle.

Areyouready · 18/01/2018 19:48

swingofthings walk away from this thread, the op ‘deserves’ respect.
My very simple view is that people gain it, by actions, not by marrying someone’s father.
The jealousy is palpable, and so too the insecurity.

FannyFanakapan · 18/01/2018 20:00

I suggest they have a bonding lads and dads weekend away together - in the UK. See how keen the ss is then.. Your DH can say - Ive booked a cottage for this weekend in Wales/bournemouth/norfolk so lets go - you can buy me dinner on Saturday night. and we can do a bit of hiking/golf/sailing"

Bet SS wont be so keen on an exclusive weekend away with dad if it doesnt come with a £££ 5* ski package attached.

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 18/01/2018 23:14

No Swing, I don’t consider ss “competition”. I dislike him as I consider him manipulating, grabby and selfish in the extreme.

Holdonasecond no, I gave up a long time ago with trying to make him accept me- he’s an adult now and I’m lucky enough to have my own two children. I don’t need ss in my life at all, just very sad for dh that it has turned out like this.

Areyouready who’s jealousy is palpable? Mine? Wrong again. I have zero envy towards ss- how could I? My children live with his dad. But I do dislike him due tomorrow his behaviour.

Fannyfanakapan when I suggested a bonding weekend in London to dh, he just went sheepish and said “why London?” He knows full well ss wouldn’t settle for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 18/01/2018 23:16

*tomorrow behaviour- to his behaviour

OP posts:

Goldmonday · 18/01/2018 23:21

Sounds like a spoilt little brat who needs to stop worrying about his dads life and get on with his own.

Why does he need to go on holiday with his dad to have quality time? That sounds bizarre to me.

Goldmonday · 18/01/2018 23:23

Bet SS wont be so keen on an exclusive weekend away with dad if it doesnt come with a £££ 5 ski package attached.

Agreed, your DH is creating a greedy little monster.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 18/01/2018 23:32

Aroundtheworldandback

I'm not saying this to offend you but all your posts are about making him accept you. You want him to acknowledge you as DH's wife. Even this holiday is about that. He's not going to do that. I'd stop trying and truly LET GO.

You'll be so much happier.

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 19/01/2018 18:02

Holdonasecond im not offended but you don’t understand. I don’t give two hoots any more whether he accepts me or not- he never will anyway- but I don’t want to create a situation in future where ss has his own family and dh holidays separately with them, paying for them all. I would very much hope he would say “Free holiday for your family? Nope sorry my wife and I are a package”, NOT because I wish to holiday or have anything to do with ss, but because at least he’ll see an adverse consequence to his vile behaviour!

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 19/01/2018 18:11

I would feel very frustrated in your shoes, OP. Such a shame your DH can’t tell his very spoilt son to pay for his own bloody skiing holiday! How many children do you each have? Do you get on with any of them?

Original poster

Aroundtheworldandback · 19/01/2018 22:54

He has 3 and I have 2, none together. Until recently I got on well with one of them but she has now cut dh off as doesn’t approve of how dh lives his life (ie he’s happy). Very sad. Dh funds the ‘childtens’ lives and will always (yes even the one who’s cut him off). Not the best parenting but he’s just too kind for his own good- not just to his family but to everyone. Thanks all.

OP posts:

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 22/01/2018 10:59

Oh, OP, I understand perfectly.

Free holiday for your family? Nope sorry my wife and I are a package”

But why would you be a package? I go on holiday with my mother all the time. My parents are still married. My dad doesn't like weekend breaks much. He prefers longer holidays. So I go with my mum. This whole "my wife and I are a package" thing isn't real. Plenty of families don't do it. When you're not even his mother, it makes even less sense to do it!

The financial thing is a separate issue. Agree the amount of money he can spend on his kids and stick to it. But insisting that you have to go on holiday with them (when you don't want to) because of some status thing (you're his WIFE) is simply trying to win some fight that you'd be happier letting go of.

NOT because I wish to holiday or have anything to do with ss, but because at least he’ll see an adverse consequence to his vile behaviour!

See? You're still trying to punish him. Let it go.

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