Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

The ex and her "friend"

27 replies

HLH9 · 09/01/2018 21:05

Hi!

Totally new to all this but am hoping for people's opinion on something. I have no friends with children/step children to ask.

Basically, my husband's ex has a "friend". She won't call him a boyfriend as she says that's when it all gets complicated (they have already split once before, not long after she introduced him to my step son). She now says they are just friends, but she is always with him and he is always around my step son.
We have good reason to believe that her friend has been banned from driving due to driving under the influence. We have a very reliable source. He also moved back in with his mother and she takes him to work every day and picks him up. The ex also drives him everywhere. Even waking step son up at ridiculous times at night to pick him up (he hates it). We believe the ban must be due to end soon as our step son has been telling us that he is planning on buying a new flashy car.
The point I'm trying to get at is, would you be happy with this man driving your son/step son around straight after a driving ban? Are we right to be cautious, or do you think his ban is enough and he has done his time so to speak?
Maybe I'm overreacting, but was just wondering what others would think if they were in our position.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Advicewouldbelovelyta · 09/01/2018 21:11

I wouldn't be happy about it but there's not much you can do about it

NorthernSpirit · 09/01/2018 21:45

He’s served his ban, so if he can now legally drive it has nothing to do with you. If he can’t legally drive of course then that’s different.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/01/2018 22:25

So what’s the plan? How will you deal with it? Remember the ex can use anything at all against you in the same way.....

Original poster
HLH9 · 09/01/2018 22:27

Thank you both!
Maybe it's just something we have to accept is going to happen and just hope the man is sensible when our son/step son is in the car. My step son has already told us previously of someone texting while driving when he was in the car. Someone his mother arranged to drop him to her. So I'm sure he will tell us if her friend does anything he shouldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
HLH9 · 09/01/2018 22:31

ohreallyohreallyoh -

We'll just wait and see what happens.

Yes, of course she can. Not that we have done/do anything that she can use against us. We keep a diary of all incidents with her, as advised by our solicitor

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 09/01/2018 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlippingFoal · 09/01/2018 23:14

Glitchy site put my reply on the wrong thread... reported

Weezol · 09/01/2018 23:15

How old is your stepson?
Is she turfing him out of bed in the middle of the night to come with her?

Original poster
HLH9 · 09/01/2018 23:20

He's 9. Yes, she wakes him up and taked him with her. I don't think it is often, but when it does happen he tells us that he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 09/01/2018 23:29

CBB - C5 - 9pm - 10pm

BOTS - C5 - 10.05PM - 10.50PM

Short BOTS and straight after main show!

SoleBizzz · 09/01/2018 23:30

Oops sorry.lol

Weezol · 09/01/2018 23:37

I would be very unhappy with her getting a nine year old up because she allows a grown man to treat her as a free taxi.

I would be looking at this more than getting sidetracked by the friends driving history, as it seems she puts the friend's needs before her child getting sleep. What parent does that except in a medical emergency?

Original poster
HLH9 · 09/01/2018 23:45

It's one of the many things we have to look at and keep track of unfortunately, hence the solicitor telling us to keep a diary. I could write a new thread every week.

I'll put the driving thing on the back burner for now then. Who knows when the ban is up. No point working ourselves up at the minute I guess.

OP posts:
lifeandtheuniverse · 09/01/2018 23:50

Sorry - none of your business, you sound like you are both hypercritical.

any little infraction is being recorded on the say so of a child.

By the way - she can call him whatever, she wants, boyfriends, partner, shag whatever - her choice.

A couple of times she has got DC up to pick him up - 0300 then unreasonable, 1900-2000 not unreasonable. Mine told their father I had got them up in the middle of the night and driven to Mc Donalds to feed them!!! That was 1900 in the evening and was pizza express!!!

Other people can drive your stepson around it is not illegal. My Exs OW drove my DCs around, she ahd 9 points on her licence for speeding and had the spatial awareness of a blundering rhino - feck all I could do about it.

Original poster
HLH9 · 10/01/2018 00:01

We're not recording every little thing my step son says. Obviously things can get exaggerated or misunderstood when coming from a child second hand, but we can certainly record things like forgetting to pick him up from school. We don't bring every minor issue up with her. We're not that petty. The post was just out of concern that's all.

OP posts:
ShitWit · 10/01/2018 00:04

If there that many concerns about her parenting that your Husband is keeping a diary on his ex wife has he thought about having his son living with him full time? You don’t have to share details here but you’ve obviously had enough concerns about her to get legal advice about her, are social services involved, could his father raise concerns about the incidents he’s logged with them?

Original poster
HLH9 · 10/01/2018 00:19

We went to a solicitor when she told the Child Maintenance people we were having him 1 night a week, when we actually had him 50% of the time. They also arranged mediation for them. We do have him more than her now. She isn't as bad as she used to be. I just felt the need to bring up "the not picking him up from school incident" after being called hyper critical, which we're definitely not. It was my defence mechanism kicking in haha

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/01/2018 06:18

I think you are overeacting. Firsrtly, the getting him up, how often is that? It's not ideal but at least the man has continued to work and is probably indirectly helping to support your SS doing so. It sounds like he will be driving soon, so it's a temporary basis.

As for worrying about him driving again, don't jump to conclusions yet. If he thinks driving from the pub is ok, or binge drinking all through the night and then driving in the morning, and he will dropping your SS to school, then yes, I'd be concerned, but you don't know the circumstances that got him that ban and it could have been a one off. He wouldn't be the first one to have done so and learned his lesson. You don't even know if he'll be driving your SS.

Let it lie for now (that is his father), just keep an eye for any emerging concerns.

Original poster
HLH9 · 10/01/2018 09:59

He doesn't buy SS birthday cards so he definitely doesn't contribute to supporting him. He doesn't look after him either. He's just with them on weekends mainly, never on his own with SS.

That's fine, we'll leave the driving thing.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
HLH9 · 10/01/2018 10:00

He doesn't buy SS birthday cards so he definitely doesn't contribute to supporting him. He doesn't look after him either. He's just with them on weekends mainly, never on his own with SS.

That's fine, we'll leave the driving thing.

Thanks!

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 10/01/2018 10:02

Tbh I wouldn't be happy with it but there's not a whole lot you can do same as she can't control what goes on in your household.

CurlyRover · 10/01/2018 10:05

Oh and by your standards, I don't contribute anything to DSD. I see her at weekends and I'm rarely alone with her. But that doesn't mean I don't contribute to her upbringing. Not buying him a birthday card doesn't mean he's not contributing in other ways.

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 10:08

Indeed, she could argue that he was caught once, learned his lesson, and is otherwise an excellent driver, whereas she could say that she's heard from someone reliable that your driving is more than undesirable (or you've only been driving for X year or whatever else) and that she's not happy for you to transport her child at any time. Same thing.

Original poster
HLH9 · 10/01/2018 11:31

I'm not saying he should support him. I wouldn't expect that at all. That was just in reply to someone that suggested he did. It's going off subject now anyway. I'll forget the driving issue and leave it at that

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/01/2018 11:38

It does seem as if he is sticking to the ban assuming there is a ban in place. I wouldn't like any stranger driving my son around that I had no say in. But under the circumstances I don't think there's much you can do about it. You need to leave your ex and his partner to deal with this. No amount of hand wringing from you is going to make a lot of difference.